How to Get His Attention

February 9th, 2008

You want I should tell you how to make a man go all weak in the knees for you?

Have you considered the Reuben?

Myself? I find it to have a high rate of success.

Something about the rye bread…the pastrami…the kraut…the cheese with the funny little holes.

He may not appear visibly moved. He may not even look up from his Newsweek while he eats. He may not even acknowledge your existence for weeks make that months at a time.

But on the inside he is a quivering pile of gelatin.

You are just going to have to trust me on this one.


Here we have the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound. Note the sweeping lawn, the white house, the porch and the multiple pointy roofs.

And now my house – note the sweeping lawn, the porch, the white house, the multiple pointy roofs.

Here we have a bunch of Kennedys lined up in matching bathing suits with matching parts in their matching heads.

Here we have a bunch of my family lined up with matching uh…matching um… matching arms akimbo.

Here is the famous photo of Robert and Ethel Kennedy’s family stretched out in front of a Italian Villa type mansion.

And here is the famous photo where we are sort of lined up and sort of in front of an Italian villa. Okay not really – but maybe… if you squint… really hard.

And now Jack goes for a touchdown pass in front of yet another Kennedyesque gorgeous, timeless, classic American dream house posed beautifully amidst majestic oaks on a sprawling lawn.

And here are several photos of my family doing the exact same thing.

Except it is colder.

And muddier.

And a little rougher.

I am not sure the Kennedys could handle it.

Oh and um… we have a bulldozer parked in the background and we don’t know if the bulldozer guy is ever going to come back and get it. Other than that….

The same…

The Country Doctor and I worked at the same place for about a year and during that time he asked me out once, but I was involved with someone else at the time. In fact, when he asked me out, this is how I responded.

“Gosh – I would really love to go out with you, but I am dating someone else.”

So we continued seeing each other at work and occasionally having brief stilted, embarrassed conversations. Eventually my work schedule changed and I stopped running into him.

A few months later, my boyfriend broke up with me, which was a very good thing as about the only thing that was healthy in that particular relationship was how much I loved his mother. She was a girl after my own heart. She was always buying crazy things at thrift stores and garage sales, hauling them home where her family would ridicule her for her strange purchases while I looked over her tarnished treasures and thought they were marvelous. Old woven rugs, vintage hats, corroded silver spoons – sometimes she would just hand her finds over to me, glad to know someone who appreciated her taste for strange old stuff. I knew that if I ended up marrying Don, I would have a miserable marriage, but a fabulous mother-in-law, and that really didn’t seem like a good foundation for marital bliss. Nonetheless, our break-up sent me into a tailspin from which I did not readily recover.

Shortly thereafter, I took a new job at a health food cooperative and also took a part-time teaching job at a private school. My sister and I moved into a new apartment with her disease ridden puppy Nick. April was engaged to Clay and I rarely saw her, but one day she came home and noticed that I had moved my mattress out onto the balcony of our apartment.

“What are you doing with your mattress out there?” she asked.

“Well… uh… um… I just wanted to sleep outside…you know get some fresh air.”

April just sort of stared at me…

There was a long pause…

Followed by a sideways glance…

Accompanied by a heavy sigh…

Finally she spoke, “Whatever happened to that guy that asked you out last year?”

“Oh… that guy?”

“Yeah him. Have you seen him around lately?”

“No.”

“I think I am going to give him a call.”

“What!”

“I think I am going to call him and beg him to take you out before you move into the woods, start wildcrafting herbal tea blends, while meditating and talking to trees!.”

So she called him. I had to leave for work and was not able to listen in, but I called her as soon as I got to work and made her recount every detail of the conversation. She had talked him into calling me and later that evening… he did.

Me – “Hello?”

CD – “Hello – is this Rechelle?”

Me – “Um…yeah…”

CD – “Well, hi…this is the notyeta Country Doctor.”

Me – “The what?”

CD – “The nothyeta Country Doctor.”

Me – “What are you talking about?”

CD – “Someday it will all be clear to you…until then would you like to go out and do something?”

Me – “Um…okay…”

CD – “Well… what would you like to do?”

ME – “I don’t know…what would you like to do?”

CD – “Well I would like to do what you would like to do.”

Me – “Um… well… I don’t know what to do – what do you want to do?”

CD – “Whatever you want to do…”

And so on and so forth – yeah it was riveting – anyway he finally pulled out of me what I wanted to do…

Me – “Do you still have that motorcycle?”

CD – “Yes”

Me – “Could we go for a ride on that motorcycle?”

CD – “Sure – that sounds great.”

And so that is what we did. We drove all over the countryside yelling tidbits of conversation into each other’s ears, stopping occasionally at a pretty view to talk. After a while we decided to get something to eat and this is where he took me.

The Yello Sub and guess what…

We both ordered the exact same sandwich!

A green turkey – which is a fabulous concoction consisting of turkey, guacamole, salsa, sprouts, cream cheese, on freshly baked and oven toasted whole wheat bread.

They have a lot of different sandwiches at the Yello Sub.

It is kind of a miracle that we would both love the exact same sandwich.

Do you want to know what happened next? Do ya? Well, do ya? Okay – They give you a card at the Yello Sub to let you know when your order is up. So while we were waiting, I asked the notyeta Country Doctor a question.

A question from which he has never really recovered…

A question that made him fall instantly in love with me.

And dream of having four boys with me. And of building a house with me. And of stapling our son’s head together while I watched in horror.

Do you want to know what the question was? Do ya? Well do ya?

The question was…..

What do you think about Ross Perot?



That’s right! Turns out I was the perfect date. First, I suggested a motorcycle ride, then we ordered the same sandwich and to top it off, I asked a politically minded question. The Country Doctor loves politics and even though I could really care less – I appeared to care and that is all that matters.

After that he was putty in my hands. And we lived happily ever after.