Browsing Archives for The Oracle Known as Steve


For Memorial Day weekend, we drove to southeast Kansas to visit one of the CD’s sisters and her family.

 

 

 

 

Because clearly…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They have a backyard pool.

 

 

 

 

 

Things were going along swimmingly.  Swarms of cousins filled the pool, the yard, and the house.  There was a mountain of barbecue and all the fixin’s.  I contributed a salad made from my very own garden.  It was a very nice party.

Until…

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Country Doctor started showing off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wearing a hideous, grotesquely unstylish pair of orange swim trunks, he commandeered the diving board  and began doing his very special, one of a kind, signature, cartwheel dive over and over and over again.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Orcale quickly snapped.  

He couldn’t take it.  

“Stop it!’  he screamed.  ”Stop doing those insane cartwheels off the diving board!”  

“No one!  NO ONE!  Especially these young impressionable boys should have to watch that!”  he shouted.

“Put on a shirt, and sit down and drink a beer like a man!” He rampaged.

 

 

The Country Doctor refused to listen.

 

 

 

So the Oracle took matters in his own hands, grabbed a hard rubber ball and zinged it at his brother in mid-jump.

 

 

 

 

The Country Doctor was hit!

 

 

 

 

 

The Oracle was triumphant!

Gleeful, he picked the ball up again…

 

 

 

 

 

And began bombarding whatever innocent child happened to be jumping off the board…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once enraged, it is hard to shut an Oracle down.  

With his wrath in full throttle…

he did throttle…

and then he throttled some more…

All the tender and exposed flesh of any young’un who dared to dive thereafter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But even the blistering beatings of his own children and their accompanying plaintive wails did not stop the Country Doctor from doing his special, signature, one of a kind cartwheel dive over and over and over again.  

 

You see…

 

The Country Doctor learned at a very young age…

 

that enraging the Oracle…

 

is half the fun.

The Oracle Answers.

November 24th, 2008

Well… I did it.  
I managed to lasso the Oracle Known as Steve and get him to answer a few questions, but it was not easy.  The Oracle likes to be on the move… he’s always pacing… pacing… pacing… skittering… skittering… pacing… stirring… chopping… making demands… skittering… chopping… pacing… pacing… making demands… pacing… chopping… chopping… pacing… so getting him to sit and answer questions for more than five minutes at a time was excruciating for him.  When he is sitting he seems to generate a sort of green glowing energy that makes everyone around him feel edgy.  I certainly can attest to feeling very edgy as I forcefully pulled one answer after another out of him.  
I think I might have felt less edgy  if I had asked him these questions while he was carving a turkey or making pies or… or… chopping something.  So EVEN THOUGH,  the Oracle made it clear that this will be the ONLY time he will ever answer questions for my blog, I am pretty sure I can get him to do it again.   I will just have to be more sneaky…and also… I will have to lie and pretend that the questions are from me… just me… because I am helpless without his knowledge… and also I will ask him questions while he is cooking… so he won’t notice so much.
Before I give you his answers, I think we should absorb the full impact of what your are about to experience as you read his answers.   I want you to realize that you may be looking at the only collection of answers to very important questions from a real live Oracle since the road to Delphi was closed many many aeons ago.  
Think on that my friends.  
You think on that!
The Oracle Speaks…

Dear Oracle,

WHY is it that the batteries in smoke detectors ALWAYS run low in the wee hours of the morning…beeping and scaring the bejeepers out of everyone? Is there some way to prevent this other than sleeping during the day?

A ton of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  Keep yourself on a weekly schedule to change out the batteries so you KNOW you always have fresh batteries.  Personally, I like the beeping.


Dear Oracle,

Going with the first poster – I would like to know – why do the majority of fires happen in the late hours of the night and wee hours of the morning?

I know a lot about fire.  That’s enough.

Dear Oracle, 

My cousin’s mother on my father’s side has a sister who’s third cousin’s (twice removed) son is going to college. He doesn’t actually have a question, but he wanted to be mentioned.
Fine.

Dear Oracle,
I would like to know what do you call a french horn player?
My sister Barb played the French horn.  I call French horn players… Barb.

Dear Oracle,

What is that odor emanating from my 17 year old son’s bedroom?

It’s the smell of disappointment.

Dear Oracle,
I’m a college student, and I’ve just survived the hardest week of my entire semester. I’m exhausted, I have tons of studying to do, and I have a cold. Do you have any advice that will help me get through my two tests next week before Thanksgiving break?

Hot Lemonade and Vodka.  IF you have a cold that’s the best answer regardless of if you are going to take a test or join the priesthood.  How can you go wrong with those two together?  I don’t really care if you succeed in your test.  I am who I am.  The Oracle should be the Oracle.

Dear Oracle,

How am I supposed to eat when my nose is completely stopped up from this cold I’ve got? I can’t breathe through my mouth and eat at the same time!

I deal with this all the time  My nose is always stuffed up.  You have to eat in rapid bursts and gasp for air.  Hyperventilate between bites.  Pace.  Hyperventilate. Pace.  Hyperventilate. Etc…Etc…  

So Mr. Oracle,

I wish to know why do animals seem to like to crawl under houses to die. Don’t they know that they cause a horrible odor? Please tell me how to keep them away.

I don’t like animals for this reason.  Move.  Continually move.  Get a trailer.  When the animal dies… move the trailer.  This is very practical.

Dear Oracle,

What do you do with leftover pitchers of gravy? I don’t have a garbage disposal. Can you pour it down the sink?

I’ve never had any leftover gravy.  IF the gravy is a gift from a guest, it is clearly not leftover.  It is not my responsibilty.  When the gravy is mine, I finish it… one way or another.

Dear Oracle,

I seem to kill all plants in my house. Is it my subconscious? Do I have unresolved issues from my childhood? Now all the fish in the house have died as well.

I’m thinking I should wait til the last possible moment to get a Christmas tree, right? And is there any hope for the dog?

Thanks,
Rhea

The dog shouldn’t care when you buy a Christmas tree.  If he does… you need a new dog.

I personally have an aluminum Christmas tree.  Get one of those.
Dear Oracle: Is there a question you would like to ask US out here in blogland???

No.

Dear Oracle,
Can you tell me why my 5 year old thinks he is master of the universe, and why he will burst into tears when we fail to see the brilliance of his direction?

He  is just like his father.  Just less repressed.

So Oracle, 

I have not watched any television for a number of years. Now that I am meandering towards my twilight years (!), and not quite as actively engaged in well, you know, wood cutting and all, I’m thinking of subscribing to some sort of service in order to be able to watch TV. Are there enough shows available to watch to make this worth the price? (No, I do not yet know how much it will be – my rural telephone co. is working on making this an option.) Bear in mind that I do not find the abuse of women and children entertaining, nor would I watch anything with lots of violence. Screaming and sirens do not actually encourage good mental health, do they?

Keep cutting wood buddy.

Dear Oracle,

What is the odor emanating from my 90 year old father’s bedroom?

Disappointment.
Dear Oracle,

WHY did you come to my mind in church last week when my pastor read “The Oracles of God?”

That was weird. I almost laughed out loud…

Oh hey — Dear Oracle… would that be inappropriate to laugh out loud when my pastor read about the oracles of God and I thought of the Oracle of Steve?

Curious,
Jennifer

Not at all.  I encourage laughing out loud in church… whenever possible.

Dear Oracle,
Why is it that you know so much. Do you make it up or wing it as you go? Do you happen to know when McDonald’s sold its first Big Mac? I have a bet going but am not allowed to look it up on the net. I say 68.

I am not going to answer that.  I never wing it.
Dear Oracle,

What’s it like, to have a sister n law, that is so fun and loving?

I need to know, because my two sisters n law, drain every ounce of life blood out of me, whenever I am with them, and I need an answer, that will carry me through the upcoming holiday season with them.

A loyal fan in Michigan.

Your sister in laws seem remarkably similar to mine.

Dearest Oracle,
Why is it that my dog can only pass gas when she is snuggled up beside me?

Also, if you will indulge me one more time, why do men (in general) leave their “underthings” laying on the bathroom floor?

 Your dog passes gas continuously.  You only notice it when they are snuggled up with you. 

 I never leave my underthings on the bathroom floor.

Dear Oracle,
Please pick a wedding date for me…engaged for 5 years or so and i can’t decide. thanks.

 TOMORROW OR NEVER!!!  Good Lord!  Five Years!

Dear Oracle,

On behalf of millions of laundry-doing women worldwide can you please tell us where the odd socks go. I have a huge pile of socks with no mates, who were well mated before entering the laundry system.

Its’ not an odd sock… it’s a lonely sock.  If you get enough lonely socks together they are pairs again. Calling it an odd sock is the problem. How would you like to be called an odd sock!  

Dear Oracle,

This is a two part question.

1. Who is responsible for the music in elevators?
2. Do they sell a CD of Elevator music?





Pink Floyd

Pink Floyd

Dear Oracle,

Which is more environmentally friendly, a real Christmas tree or an artificial one? I think going to a Christmas tree farm (near our home) and cutting our own is better than buying an artificial one, but I’d like your input. Thanks.

Artificial… buy it once and use it for the rest of your life.. preferably an aluminum one made out of old beer cans.  It is even better if you drink the beer yourselves.

Oh Wise Oracle,

Will we finally get a decent offer, after the open house today?

‘Cause I’m tired of cleaning so much that you can ACTUALLY lick the floors and come away feeling refreshed.

Thank you, Great Oracle.

Why are you licking the floors?  Maybe you would sell your house if you got up off the floor.  

Dearest Oracle,
A test of your knowledge before I move on to pressing question?
Of the top of your head… Do you know how much a gallon of milk weighs and how long is a dollar bill?

My more pressing question…
How is it that my husband can spot a groundhog in a field while driving and texting yet can’t keep the kids and do laundry at the same time?

 He likes groundhogs.  I like groundhogs.
I am curious to the Oracle’s portrait? Was it a gift? Commissioned especially for him? Love to hear the background story on that…

It appears to be  a painting… but it is actually a rubbing.  

(Rechelle interjecting to say that the Oracle’s sister Lois created the painting as an exercise in an art class.  I always admired it and eventually she gave it to me.  Sorry Oracle.  Please continue…)
What kind of job will leave my husband feeling fulfilled and appreciated? And are they hiring?

Barbecue tester.  The guy who reaches into the grill with his thumb and forefinger and gets the first piece.  It is a hard job to get.  That’s a job I would like to have.
Dear Readers, 
I will save the questions that came in late for another session with the Oracle… if there ever is another session.  I hope there will be.  I really think he has helped a lot of people today.  Don’t you!?!  
THANK YOU ORACLE!!!

A Conversation With the Oracle

October 26th, 2008

The Country Doctor’s family is in the midst of planning an 80th birthday bash for the Country Doctor’s dad – Joe. This event is being hosted at our home and e-mails have been flying through cyber space to firm up the details. I have been in close contact with the Oracle Known as Steve during this time. Here are a few of our exchanges. One of the Country Doctor’s sister’s has also been thrown in for a little variety. 
I started out with a simple, clear, CONCISE statement as to what the CD and I would plan on contributing to the party…

Dear all:

The Country Doctor and I can do the bread and butter and any condiments. We will also take care of beverages (tea, water, soda) and paper products. We have five bedrooms available (which includes the dismal basement bedroom). Plenty of room on various floors as well.

Rechelle

Dear Rechelle:

 I talked to the girls and they would like to reserve the guest room on the first floor to lay our pretty little heads on Saturday evening. We prefer the cotton sheets to flannel and if we could get a little fresh lavender on our pillows we’ll mention you when we say our prayers at night. 

Thanks Dear. 
Uncle Steve

Dear Steve,

You’re not my uncle.
You also may not pick your room. 

They will be assigned in order of arrival. 
Please take your time in getting here.
Rechelle

Dear Rechelle,

We hope to stay overnight too if possible so would like to reserve a room. Anywhere is fine.

Christi

Dear Christi,

Yes Christi, you can have the room Steve wanted.

Rechelle

Dear Rechelle,

Several people have hinted that I should be in charge of the party. Rechelle… I’m sorry I’m a little too busy this time but I will consult.

Dear Steve,

So glad you are available to consult. I have no idea how I could handle this shindig without you.

Dear Rechelle:

You are so very very much welcome. It is always a pleasure to share the benefits and wisdom of my many many social endeavors with those who are just beginning their first tentative forays into these gentle arts. I have so many fabulous recommendations, let’s get together soon, to share ideas, and then I can work up a little plan for you to use.

Thanks again for your prompt response. If nothing else we have that.

My warmest regards
Steve

P.S. I have attached a recipe for country gravy which I am sure you will find to be ambrosia compared to what usually gets served. I would suggest a big batch as it will go quick quick dear…

P.P.S. Jason has agreed to join us for our kibitz. His ideas on finger sandwiches are simply divine. 

Ta.
Steve 
Dear Steve:
I do not have enough room in the entire house plus the surrounding eight acres for your gravy.  If you will remember last time you made gravy at my  house, the basement flooded, the toilets backed up and the pond overflowed.  Please leave your gravy making skills at home.  
Rechelle
 

Dear Rechelle:

In reviewing your earlier, brief but lovely, note, I noticed that when listing the proposed beverages (tea, water, soda) you unfortunately failed to list some very desirable potables. I am sure that your  limited list is meant to represent the basics and not the full extent of the offerings. As I am sure this is the case, perhaps the addition of some punctuation such as this (tea, water, soda…) would be better. This would help to insure that nobody could possibly misconstrue your missive. After all we wouldn’t want people to think that there won’t be any say lemonade or milk or BEER. I’ve got a little mantra that I embraced years ago. Everything is better with the three B’s… Butter, Bacon and BEER.

I’m so glad we caught this oversight now. While it is still correctable.

A pleasure, I’m sure.

Steve

P.S. Sometimes when I’m feeling especially silly I will add Brisket
and Beans for a total of five B’s but let’s not get that silly yet.
Ta ta,
The Oracle

Uh Steve… 

I am not of the understanding.

You go wacky wacky and I go honny honny lo lo.

What is this beer of which you speak?

I would like to discuss the decor instead. Who is in charge of the
draperies?

and the SWAGS!!!
Rechelle
That’s all for now…  Here at CDW we will keep you updated on any more breaking communications from the Oracle Known as Steve as they come flying in.  
On Pins and Needles,
Rechelle