Browsing Archives for The Country Doctor

Creating Memories and Helping

January 9th, 2009

We purchased a living, balled and burlaped blue spruce for our Christmas tree this year.

After three weeks in the house, we had an unusually warm day on December 29th and decided to plant it.

The Country Doctor called Drew over to help him.

“Let’s plant this tree together son!” the Country Doctor exclaimed, “As the years pass, we can look out the dining room window and watch the tree grow.  When you are older, you will remember with fondness the day you helped your old dad plant the Christmas tree.”

“Whatever.” said Drew.

“Now pay attention son.” instructed the Country Doctor, “I am going to stand this tree perfectly upright.  While I do that, I need you to hang your arms uselessly at your sides and remain motionless” said the Country Doctor.  

“Like this dad?” asked Drew.

“That is perfect son.  Now, while I shovel the dirt around the roots, I need you to take a drink of your Coke and stare off into space.”

“Are we done yet dad?” Drew asked, ” Cuz I am getting kind of tired.”

“Yes son”  said the Country Doctor, “You have worked very hard and deserve a break.  Besides, this memory is already so precious that I can feel my heart breaking inside.”  The Country Doctor paused and wiped a tear from his eye.  ”You run along and watch some TV,” he called to his son who was already gone.

This has been another tear jerking family moment brought to you by The Country Doctor’s Wife.

Why is there a live evergreen tree on top of three paint buckets strapped together with duct tape in my living room?

Oh yeah… because we went to Panera for lunch on Sunday.

And while there… someone in my family… who is not me… got aggravated because he thought the store was confusing and he did not know where to stand in line to place his order.

And then this someone ordered a “You Pick Two” but was disappointed to find out that a “You Pick Two” means you only pick two items and not three. Because calling it a “You Pick Two” is not very clear.

After that extremely confusing lunch, we went to “The World’s Most Depressing Christmas Tree Farm”.

Our family used to go to the same Christmas Tree Farm every year… and then it closed. So we switched to a new Christmas Tree Farm… and then they closed. So we went to a new one this year.

Which I imagine might be closing very soon.

Like maybe right after we left.
“The World’s Most Depressing Christmas Tree Farm” had about the same number of marketable Christmas trees that you might find in a horse pasture… or in a cultivated field of corn… or on a professional football field… or on the moon.

I kind of liked this one… but only in comparison to all the other trees… which there weren’t any other trees.

This strange lack of trees at “The World’s Most Depressing Christmas Tree Farm” gave the Country Doctor the perfect opportunity to re-introduce an idea that he has been wanting to try for a long, long time. He has dreamed of buying a living “balled and burlaped” evergreen from the Garden Center where I work, and bringing it home to use as a Christmas Tree, and then when Christmas is over… planting the tree in the yard.

What this means… is that I am officially changing the Country Doctor’s name to The Country Druid.
It also means that we bought a live tree… an actual living tree for our Christmas tree. The Country Druid is going to attempt to keep a living tree alive… inside our living room… for three weeks… and then re-acclimate it to the freezing cold winter temperatures of Kansas… and then plant it in the yard.

I absolutely vetoed the three duct taped paint buckets.

I also vetoed using the old accordion case with the accordion inside as the “tree stand”.

Eventually, we set the tree on the floor, inside of a plastic bucket that we have to keep filled with fresh water and we put the tree skirt around it.

The boys strung the lights.

It did not take them very long.

Speaking of the boys…

This is how my eldest looks at me now.
Pretty much all the time.
What does that mean?

And here is our tree.

That is really quite a tree.
Yeah… I think when I look at this tree, my face looks pretty much the same as my eldest son’s does when he is looking at me.
But the Country Druid’s face is filled with joy.
So that should make for a peaceful holiday season around here.

A Visit to the Specialists

October 8th, 2008
On a recent visit to my quadracurny spare ribathesiologist, I encountered three specialists who were all too willing to tell me what was wrong with my skeletized innards.

As you can see ma’am…. you cross lateral bypass has seriously interferred with your hydrocephaletic nerve stream causing pressure on you stickiloital scrapula.


You think I lack experience?

You want to talk to someone with more knowledge?


I’ll see who I can find.


I’m sorry ma’am… but I completely agree with my colleague. Your scrapula is severely inclined to the posterior and your posterior… if you don’t mind me saying… is severely inclined to your other posterior. 

This calls for radical… immediate… and dare I say extremely expensive intervention!


You don’t trust me either!

Where do we get these patients?

Always questioning… questioning… questioning. It never ends!


There is one more guy who may be able to settle your qualms. 

Actually… I’m not sure if those first two jokers were right at all!

Clearly, the problem is residing in the hindicus quartercus and not at all the posterior posterior.

What are they teaching in medical school these days???

I mean look! It is so obvious! 
Your fallupian freternauts are all over the place! 
And check out those loopy loos!

They have migrated clear down to your tentralucus minor! 

Which is actually pretty major!

I am going to have to recommend a massive overhaul – starting with your tongue and working slowly and painfully down to you toe nails. We need to get you checked in right away. I hope you haven’t eaten anything today.

What’s that?

You want to try another clinic?

Okay, but we’ll be waiting for you when you come crawling back.

I have heard those guys down the road are complete wack jobs!