Browsing Archives for The Boys

Jack the Knife

October 25th, 2008

My baby… my little tiny helpless infant baby… wanted to carve his own pumpkin.

So his father… his heartless father… showed him what to do.

And then he gave my baby… my suckling tiny tot baby a knife!!!

Which my baby… my tottering wee budgkin baby proceeded to USE!!!

And I tried to let him….

I tried to focus on my other children… my other children who are not my baby… and therefore I am not thrown into delirium tremors whenever they wield a sharp blade.

But with my just born, brand new to the world tiny bundle of joy… I feel entirely differently!

So I stood back and tried to think of the learning… and the independence… and the growth.

I said be careful… be careful… JACK be CAREFUL… nine hundred times.

And then Jack… my eensy weensy baby put down his knife.

And I gave him a magic marker.

So that he could make the marks and I could make the cuts.  

Because there is only so much a mother can stand.

A Visit to the Specialists

October 8th, 2008
On a recent visit to my quadracurny spare ribathesiologist, I encountered three specialists who were all too willing to tell me what was wrong with my skeletized innards.

As you can see ma’am…. you cross lateral bypass has seriously interferred with your hydrocephaletic nerve stream causing pressure on you stickiloital scrapula.


You think I lack experience?

You want to talk to someone with more knowledge?


I’ll see who I can find.


I’m sorry ma’am… but I completely agree with my colleague. Your scrapula is severely inclined to the posterior and your posterior… if you don’t mind me saying… is severely inclined to your other posterior. 

This calls for radical… immediate… and dare I say extremely expensive intervention!


You don’t trust me either!

Where do we get these patients?

Always questioning… questioning… questioning. It never ends!


There is one more guy who may be able to settle your qualms. 

Actually… I’m not sure if those first two jokers were right at all!

Clearly, the problem is residing in the hindicus quartercus and not at all the posterior posterior.

What are they teaching in medical school these days???

I mean look! It is so obvious! 
Your fallupian freternauts are all over the place! 
And check out those loopy loos!

They have migrated clear down to your tentralucus minor! 

Which is actually pretty major!

I am going to have to recommend a massive overhaul – starting with your tongue and working slowly and painfully down to you toe nails. We need to get you checked in right away. I hope you haven’t eaten anything today.

What’s that?

You want to try another clinic?

Okay, but we’ll be waiting for you when you come crawling back.

I have heard those guys down the road are complete wack jobs!

The Statue of Liberty Play

September 26th, 2008

Ethan’s football team has been practicing a special play.
It is called the “Statue of Liberty” play.  

Strangely, I had not heard of the “Statue of Liberty” play and I asked my sons to demonstrate it for me.  
They agreed.

First Ethan explained to me that the ball he was holding was called a football.  
“You throw it mom, ” he explained.  ”And sometimes you kick it… down a field… a football field.”
My son knows me better than I give him credit for…

Ethan cradled the ball to his chest… just like I used to cradle him… when he was my tiny little smudgkin wudgkin cuddle wuddle puddin head.  

Then Ethan said, “Down!”  
And I immediately dropped to my knees.
Then Ethan rolled his eyes and said, “Not you mom…”
And I said, “Oh… sorry…”



Then Ethan threw his arm up in the air.
See how Ethan is holding his arm up in the air???
That is the “Statue of Liberty” part.

He holds him arm there, because he is trying to fake the other team out.  
He is trying to convince the other team that he is a statue… the Statue of Liberty… and that they should probably not tackle the Statue of Liberty  or they might get hurt.

While the other team is totally faked out and so not tackling The Statue of Liberty… Drew runs behind Ethan and snatches the ball.  

Because Drew is on Ethan’s team and he has inside information that Ethan is not really the Statue of Liberty.  
So while the other team is all “how did the Statue of Liberty get on the field?…”

Drew scores a TD!

Here is a video of the same play.  
I would like to note that no politicians and no snakes were harmed in the making of this video. 

And also – no children were harmed by tackling a fake statue.  

Just covering all my bases here.  
And here is the game that made the play famous.