Browsing Archives for My Sister April

Clay Advises

January 29th, 2009

My brother-in-law Clay is a man of many talents and much wisdom.

After all, he has managed to stay married to my sister April for a long, long, loooooooong time.


Speaking as a person who also lived with April for a long, long loooooong time, I can honestly tell you that this is no easy feat.


So Clay, how do you do it?

How do you keep the home fires burning?
How do you stay with my sister year after year after year…… after year?


Clay thought for a moment.


He reflected.


He chuckled softly to himself…


He gripped his forehead with his fingers…


He sank into desperation.

How do I do it?
How do I do it?
How do I do it???
He asked himself over and over again.
Finally he hit upon a few answers….


Candy!


Booze.


More Booze!


Thanks for sharing with us today Clay.

I am sure that you have helped a lot of people.

When You Visit My Sister…

November 3rd, 2008


Your arrival will be choreographed to the last detail…


And when I say choreographed…


I mean that quite literally…


There will be an arabesque in your honor…


As you are graciously gathered in…


And sashayed to the front porch…


You may think your hostess is a little crazy….


I mean look at those menacing teeth!

But then she would burst into song to accompany her beautiful ballet and you would know that she is not crazy…. she is not menacing….

She is only a girl who loves to entertain…

And when I say entertain….

I mean entertain!!!
Here is a photo from the time that April and I released a country gospel tribute album to Abba called…
‘Country Roads Take A Chance on Me’.

Other than the title cut, the hits from that legendary album included…

I Just Ain’t Holy Enough To Homeschool

Oh Freedom… Oh Freedom… Oh Freedom My Kids go to Public School!

Jesus Loves the Little Children… Even If Their Mamas Don’t Homeschool Them (kind of).

My Jesus I Love Thee and I Kin Prove It Too Cuz I Homeschool Sup Dawg? (This was a rap tune).

The Devil Went Down to Georgia Disguised as a Kindergarten Teacher

And the more minor classic…

You Cain’t Make Me Stick that Satan Serum Immunization Into My Baby’s Arm!

The next year we released a highly acclaimed follow-up record called…

‘Mamas Mia’
It was a big hit, hailed by the critics as…
The Goo Goo Dolls meets Dolly Parton
A lot like Alison Kraus except not really and also waaaaay weirder…
If you took John Cougar, Jon Bon, and John Mayer and wrapped them up in a spinach tortilla with some banana peppers and a little tzatziki sauce, you would have yourself a mighty tasty treat. Mmmmmmm that sounds good. Especially the John Mayer part. Oh… and this band is uh… interesting...
‘Twisted Sister’ but even more twisted… and messed up.
Their music is like Mac Davis getting hit by a Mack Truck… over and over again.
Hey! Whatever happened to Mac Davis?
Actually it was Mac Davis that caused the band to break up.
And also because one of the band members…

I won’t say which one….

Got into her doctor husband’s stash of prescription painkillers and well…
She kind of lost her mind.

At which point the crazy sister (shown here with her back purposefully turned to disguise her identity) released a Mac Davis tribute album called…

‘Oh Lord It’s Hard to be Humble, When You’re Perfect in Every Way, I Can’t Wait to Look in the Mirror, Cuz I Get Better Lookin’ Each Day, All My Love, My Heart, and My Very Soul Burning For You, Mac Davis. Come Back to Me… Come Back’
(The modern spelling of the word ‘cuz’ is what made the song relevant to today’s youth)
This record was critically acclaimed for having a really long stupid title.
Thanks to Mrs. Mama for photographing the band during the good times and the bad.