Browsing Archives for Just Call Me “The Garden Expert”

God is a Muskrat

January 15th, 2008

We have a policy at the garden center that states that if a tree or shrub dies in the first year after purchase, we will replace it for free.   

But the guarantee does not cover quite everything…

Customer – I bought a weeping willow here last year…
Me – Oh – what a nice tree!
Customer – Well… it died.
Me – Oh dear!
Customer – I have my receipt.
Me – Thank you.
Customer – So can I get my free tree now?
Me – First, can you tell me how your tree died?
Customer – It looks like a muskrat ate it.
Me – A muskrat?
Customer – Yes, it’s been chewed clean in half.
Me – Oh… Well I’m sorry to tell you that our guarantee does not cover acts of God.
Customer – It wasn’t an act of God… it was an act of a muskrat.
Me – Okay… But I am pretty sure that falls under the category of an “act of God.”
Customer – Are you saying that God is a muskrat?
Me – Uh… No… I am saying that when nature intervenes in the life of a plant… like an ice storm… or a lightning strike… you can’t say that the plant died because we sold you a bad plant…
Customer – So you are saying that God sent a muskrat to chew up my willow tree?
Me – No… not exactly… well sort of… but not really…
Customer – Why would God send a muskrat to eat my tree…?
Me – Uh… I don’t think God sent a muskrat to eat your tree… 
Customer – So then it wasn’t an act of God!
Me  - Not literally… no… probably not.  
Customer – So can I get my free tree now?
Me – No… I’m sorry…  
Customer – That’s alright.  I probably deserved that muskrat eating my tree for some reason.
Prolonged slightly uncomfortable silence.
Me – Um… Can I help you with anything else?
Customer – Have you got any of those burning bushes?
Originally published August 27, 2008

Beware The Dreaded LBS Deer!

January 13th, 2008

Sometimes customers at the garden center are so determined that the problems with their plants are absolutely, impossibly, absurdly, difficult to diagnose – that you have to get a little inventive to give them a solution.

Fortunately – this is not a problem for me…
Customer – I have a strange question for you…
Me – I bet you do.
Customer – Uh…   Well, I have a Little Princess Spirea…
Me – How strange!
Customer – Uh… that is not the strange part.
Me – Thank God!
Customer – Is there anyone else here that can help me?
Me – (In a high pitched mimicking tone) Is there anyone else that can help me?
Customer – Is that supposed to be funny?
Me – Are you ever going to get to your question?
Customer – Oh… okay – So I have this Little Princess Spirea and all the bottom leaves are gone!
Me – Gone?
Customer – Yes, they are gone!  The top leaves are still there, but the bottom leaves have completely disappeared!
Me – Fungus?
Customer – Impossible!
Me – Insects?
Customer – Never!
Me – Disease?
Customer – Surely you jest!
Me – Too much water?
Customer – Do you think I am an imbecile?
Me – Not enough water?
Customer – Ha!  Do you realize I have an advanced degree in every known horticultural science known to mankind?  I think I can properly water a plant!
Me – Okay then… do you have a cat?
Customer – Absolutely not!
Me – Are there any deer in the area?
Customer – Deer eating the bottom branches of a shrub!?!  What are you… an idiot?  I think the deer would eat the top branches  not the bottom branches!
Me – Yes well… have you not heard of the pygmy legless belly sliding deer?
Customer – The what?
Me – The pygmy legless belly sliding deer!  Surely someone of your garden knowledge stature has heard of them?  They are extremely rare – but oh how they love the Little Princess Spirea!
Customer – They do?
Me – Yes they do… and of course the poor creatures can not reach the top branches of any shrub.
Customer – Of course they can’t!
Me – Yes, because of the… you know… the legless part.
Customer – Why didn’t I think of it?
Me – That is what we are here for.
Customer – So what can I do?
Me – An infestation of the pygmy legless belly sliding deer is virtually impossible to combat.  
Customer – Oh…
Me – I have heard that midnight modern dancing around a campfire sometimes helps.
Customer – Really?
Me – Uhuh – but uh… it only works if they dancer is um… is um… completely naked!
Customer – Oh…
Me – Yes… buck naked AND you have to spread butter and jam all over your backside!
Customer – Well… I guess it is worth a try.
Me – Good luck!
Customer – Thanks!
Originally published September 4, 2008