Browsing Archives for Just Call Me “The Garden Expert”

Pamp Ass Grass

May 29th, 2011

Customer – I am looking for some pompous grass.

Me – Pompous grass?

Customer – Yes… the tall kind… with the big plumes?

Me – You mean Pampas grass?

Customer – Isn’t that what I said?

Me – You said pompous…

Customer – Yes… that’s right.  I am looking for some pompous grass.

Me – It’s not pompous… it’s Pampas.

Customer – That’s what I said.

Me – You actually said pompous.

Customer – Do you have the grass or not?

Me – Which kind are you looking for again?

Customer – Pompous.

Me – We don’t have any pompous grass, but would you like to look at our PAMPas grass?

Customer – No!  I want the Pompous!

Me – I have an idea!  How about I sell you some PAMPas Grass and then once you own it, it becomes pompous by association…

Customer – Isn’t the customer is always right?

Me – Only the pompous ones.

Customer – I see your point.  I was a mite filled with self importance and perhaps behaving in an irritatingly superior manner, however, the plant for which I yearn is also somewhat ridiculously grand for a grass.

Me – Hmmmmm.  That is undeniably true.  One might even describe it as downright arrogant.

Customer – So… will you now show me the pompous, Pampas grass?

Me – Under those terms, it would be impossible for me not to.

Customer – Thank you.

Me – You’re welcome.  Please follow me.

Grass is A Suncrop

April 24th, 2010

Me – How can I help you?

Customer – I want to grow some grass in my backyard.

Me – Awesome!  What can I help you with?

Customer – I have read that putting peat moss down over the grass seed is a good thing.

Me – Oh.  Okay.  We usually just recommend hay or straw, but if you have heard that peat moss is a good thing, I am sure it is.

Customer  - I need some grass that does well in the shade.

Me – Grass doesn’t do very well in the shade.  If you don’t have at least partial sun in your backyard, you might want to consider some other types of ground-cover.

Customer – I have read that there are some types of grass that do fine in the shade.

Me – Grass is a sun crop.  There might be a few varieties that claim to grow well in the shade, but good grass really needs the sun.

Customer – Well.. I have read that some grass grows well in the shade.

Me – Okay.. well grass is a sun crop – if you plant it in the shade, you will just have to replant it every Spring.

Customer  - What kind do you sell?

Me – We sell the kind that grows in the sun. 

Customer – Why don’t you sell shade grass?

Me – Because grass is a sun crop.

Customer – But I…

Me – Do you ever see grass growing on the floor of the forest?

Customer – No, but…

Me – That is because grass needs the sun.

Customer – The internet said…

Me – Grass is a sun crop.

Customer – I think.

Me – Sun crop.

Customer – You aren’t..

Me – Sun crop.

Customer – Why don’t you…

Me – Grass is a sun crop.  That’s why it grows on the open prairie.  That’s why it covers the plains.  It’s a sun crop.

Customer – So you are saying that grass doesn’t grow well in the shade.

Me – Grass is a sun crop.

Customer – Grass needs the sun?

Me – Right.

Customer  - But do you have any grass that grows in the shade?

Empty and sad…


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