Browsing Archives for General Lunacy

I struggle with paying the water bill. I used to write about these struggles on a semi-annual basis, but sometimes in life it really is best to move on.  However, a few short months ago, I received yet another letter from my Rural Water Department, chastising me for once again not sending them the proper funds. Evidently I had miscalculated and wound up under-paying my bill by quite a significant amount.  This oversight resulted in the usual letter written in angry red ink with lots of arrows and exclamation points and circles and double underlines emphasizing my error, from the person at the Rural Water Department whom I refer to as ‘the red ink lady at the RWD’.

Why do I struggle so with paying the water bill?   It’s a long story, but let’s just say that our local RWD places far too much responsibility of the monitoring and reporting of household water usage on the actual inhabitants of said households. Also – in order to get the correct numbers to send to the RWD (along with the proper remittance) a long uphill hike is involved followed by reaching into a spidery hole, followed by trying to read numbers inside of a spidery hole, followed by writing down those numbers in a shaky spidery hole panic, and since none of those things are particularly pleasant, I usually opt to guess the amount of water we have used for the month.  Turns out – I am not a very good guesser.  And then I get another letter from the ‘red ink lady at the RWD’.

In protest of the latest red-inked letter  I received from the red ink lady at the RWD, I actually included a note with my delinquent payment and asked why the corrective letters are always written in red ink? Why not the more calming blue… or the more understated black? Even a peppy purple or a soothing mint green would be better than the caustic red that makes one feel like one has miserably failed an essay exam.

To this she replied in our next bill – “Red ink is the color typically used by accountants.”



Maybe I will send her one of those fancy pens with all the different colors of ink for Christmas. Then she can quickly switch from ‘angry accounting red’ to ‘not at all antagonizing blue’ when she scratches out the next letter of reprimand to me.

Which brings me to my latest chapter in my personal RWD wrestling match.

I sat down to pay bills on Monday, but I ran out of 44 cent stamps before I got to the water bill. Fortunately I had a huge collection of one, two and three cent stamps accumulated over years and years of stamp price raising. I decided to use them all up on the water bill. I wonder what the ‘red ink lady’ will think? Maybe I should have drawn a smiley face somewhere to make sure she knew I meant no harm?  But as you can see… there really wasn’t room for a smiley face.

The Country Doctor was horrified that I sent this letter.

But the Country Doctor has never reached his hand into a spidery hole after an uphill climb has he?

So his horror is somewhat pale in comparison to mine.

Pamp Ass Grass

May 29th, 2011

Customer – I am looking for some pompous grass.

Me – Pompous grass?

Customer – Yes… the tall kind… with the big plumes?

Me – You mean Pampas grass?

Customer – Isn’t that what I said?

Me – You said pompous…

Customer – Yes… that’s right.  I am looking for some pompous grass.

Me – It’s not pompous… it’s Pampas.

Customer – That’s what I said.

Me – You actually said pompous.

Customer – Do you have the grass or not?

Me – Which kind are you looking for again?

Customer – Pompous.

Me – We don’t have any pompous grass, but would you like to look at our PAMPas grass?

Customer – No!  I want the Pompous!

Me – I have an idea!  How about I sell you some PAMPas Grass and then once you own it, it becomes pompous by association…

Customer – Isn’t the customer is always right?

Me – Only the pompous ones.

Customer – I see your point.  I was a mite filled with self importance and perhaps behaving in an irritatingly superior manner, however, the plant for which I yearn is also somewhat ridiculously grand for a grass.

Me – Hmmmmm.  That is undeniably true.  One might even describe it as downright arrogant.

Customer – So… will you now show me the pompous, Pampas grass?

Me – Under those terms, it would be impossible for me not to.

Customer – Thank you.

Me – You’re welcome.  Please follow me.

Explaining Myself

January 6th, 2009
I struggle with giving people details… explanations… spelling things out… outlining.
I am completely unable to tell someone how to work something… put something together… operate a tool… give instructions.  
Because these types of conversations are boring.
At least, they are boring to me.  
And I feel like I am telling someone what to do.  
I hate to tell other people what to do.  
It makes me feel weird and bossy.
So instead I make assumptions.
Gross, outrageous, bizarre, assumptions…  that people will be able to figure things out for themselves… fill in the blanks… connect the dots… without me having to tell them.
I would be a horrible, boss, manager, CEO, head guy, Big Kahuna, overlord, whatever, because I can’t ever tell people how to do things.  
Here is an example of how I would tell someone to do something… (not).
Me – Your job will be to operate this here cash register.
Guy – How do I work it?
Me – How do you work what?
Guy – This cash register.
Me – Um… you just… um… what?
Guy -How do you work this cash register?
Me – Uh… you… well… you… uh… one time… at Panera… I put my three year old son in someone else’s van!
Guy – You did!
Me – Yes!  And another time… My husband did surgery on my son’s head in the living room!
Guy – No way!
Me – Yes he did!  Do you like to watch The Office?
Guy – I love The Office!
Me – Me too!  I have an idea!  Let’s re-enact every single episode since the beginning of the show!
Guy – Okay… but what about the cash register?
Me – You be Jim and I will be Pam!
Guy – But what if a customer comes in and I have to sell something?
Me – Okay!  You be Michael and I will be Dwight!
Guy – Uh….
Me – Do you know what the strongest bear is?
Guy – What?
Me – Did you want to be Angela instead?
Guy – I… uh… I…okay I will be Jim.
Me – Oh.. is that because you think you are all cool and everything?
Guy – Uh… I am kind of nervous that a customer might come in at any moment and I won’t know how to operate this cash register.
Me – Oh… okay… well all you do is… push these buttons and then put the money in.
Guy – What if the customer uses a credit card?
Me – Oh… Um… Do you like Jane Austen?
Guy – What?
Me – Jane Austen!  You know… Pride and PrejudiceEmmaSense and Sensibility
Guy – Uh… I think I saw the movie Pride and Prejudice.
Me – Which one?  The Colin Firth one?  Because that is really the best one.  The new one with Kiera Knighlty is okay… but you haven’t really seen a Mr. Darcy until you have seen a Colin Firth Mr. Darcy.
Guy – Who is Colin Firth?
Me – Who is Colin Firth?!?!
Guy – I’m sorry… I don’t know.. .
Me – Oh… well that’s okay… do you like Johnny Depp?
Guy – Uh… I’m a guy… I mean… I like Johnny Depp… but probably not the same way…
Me – Oh… so do you like Julia Roberts?
Guy – Not really.
Me – Oh… what about Angelina Jolie?
Guy – She’s okay… can you show me how to do the credit card thingy now?
Me – The what?
Guy – The credit card!  I need to know how to operate this machine!
Me – Oh yeah… Well you just um… you just take the card and you uh… swipe it and then push the buttons… no the other buttons… and then you… Have you ever seen Remains of the Day?
Guy – What?  No.  
Me – With Anthony Hopkins?  He is my latest favorite.
Guy – Okay…
Me – Yes, I mean I kind of didn’t realize how great he was… You know… I just associated him with that creepy Hannibal character, but then I saw Remains of the Day and then I watched 84 Charring Cross Road and now I think he is probably the greatest actor of all time.  Have you ever seen 84 Charring Cross Road?

Guy – Uh… is that part of Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Me – What?  No.  It is about a book store in London!
Guy – A bookstore?  Like in Harry Potter?
Me – No… uh… a bookstore like a bookstore.  These two people played by Anthony Hopkins and Anne Bancroft live on opposite sides of the globe and they become friends via their love for great books and they send letters back and forth and these letters… well it is sort of like blogging in a way… Do you have a blog?
Guy – A blog?  Is that some type of gardening tool?
Me – Ha ha ha!  A gardening tool!  You are so funny!  Anyway – in 84 Charring Cross Road Anthony and Anne come to mean a great deal to each other and… it is just a wonderful story. You should rent it today.  If you love books you should really see that movie.  
Guy – I don’t really read that much.
Me – Oh…
Guy – So can you show me how to operate this machine now?
Me – Sure… do you like music?