Browsing Archives for Pie Near Woman

Pie Near Woman Goes on The QVC!

October 31st, 2010

…The food is incredible, the author is wonderful, her story is charming, please help me welcome Pie Near Woman back to QVC!

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I adore you Ree!  Let me give you a squeeze!

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I like to hug too David!

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Now give us a refresher Ree.  You went to college in LA.  You were very much a strict vegetarian.  Sushi was your favorite and then you took a job in Chicago, but stopped off to visit your family…

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Yes David, I made a pit stop in Oklahoma.

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A pit stop –   you mean like a few days?

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I think a pit stop can mean a lot of things -  don’t you David?

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Whatever moves the product honey!

Now Ree – do you have any cooking tips for our audience?

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Always be photographed from above?!?


Oh My Gosh!  I would never have thought of that!

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Now Ree – tell us that story again where you met your handsome hunk of a chapped ass husband.

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Let’s see if I can remember the latest version… I grew up in the city?

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Yes, that’s right!  Wasn’t it LA?

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No David – I think I grew up in Bartlesville…?

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Is that a city in Europe?

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Bartlesville is a city in Oklahoma David.

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Wait!  Isn’t your ranch in Oklahoma?

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Yes, but the ranch is almost an entire hour away from the bustling metropolis where I grew up David.

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You poor thing!  How did you ever adjust?!?

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I often soothed myself by taking long hot baths in hundred dollar bills.

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And when did you start to cook?

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Well there are a few versions of this story David.  I’m not sure which one is right for QVC.

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Do any of them involve leopard print tunics or zirconium crystals?

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No – but one involves reading cookbooks at night as a young child and baking cookies for every male within smelling distance of my overheated pheremones and the other involves sushi, Thai take-out, four meat eating babies and a virile cowboy that is fussier about his vittles than your average two year old!

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Well, our demographics are elderly, chain smoking women who pleasure themselves by purchasing Luminous Mist neck cream and Serenity Now prayer chains.

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Ooooooh!  Well in that case – I think I will go with the clueless, sushi swilling city girl who never cooked a day in her life until she woke up in a luxury lodge with four carnivorous toddlers and a heap of walking sex that I like to call Marlboro Man.

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Holy Smokes Ree!  We just sold out of your cookbooks!

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Was it good for you too David!

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It was customer top rated!

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Help me Ronda!   I haven’t even mentioned my Spanx yet!

“Honey, do these chaps make my ass look virile?”

Submitted by Joel Wheeler.

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Joel, e-mail your shipping address to me at mysistersfarmhouse@live.com and I will send you Tim Gunn’s latest book.

There were so many other strong contenders in this contest.  I know, I know – I should have picked yours.  Even if you didn’t submit one, I should have picked it!  At least now I can rest assured that some of the people who read this blog are far more twisted than me. Here’s just a small sampling of the madness…

His wearing of her blue eyeshadow was too much for both wife and dog.  Pie Near Woman faints after MM announces he is giving up the faux ranching life to join the revival company of The Village People for a 6 month booking in Vegas. Charlie is just mimicking Pie Near Woman, because as we know, he is completely co-dependent. – submitted by NCme – Faux ranching!  Ha ha ha

No ! I’m his superflamboyant twin brother Marlboro Ma’am, now get up off the floor both of you. - submitted by KM

Yet another attempt by Pie Near Woman to see how many fundamentalist homeschooling mothers will adopt a ridiculous, impossible posture. – submitted by Meanie.  FINALLY – someone that is meaner than me!

Where in the hell is my Tim Gunn Book? – submitted by WV Kay

Gestating Wildly – Har har!

A Forgone Conclusion - Brilliant! – both by Shelley.

Pie Near Woman ‘THE BREAD’

October 6th, 2010

Whenever I have friends or family over for dinner they always ask me one question…

Are you going to give us large sacks of cash like you did last time?

And I always smile and say…

Yes, I am making THE BREAD.

And then they say…

What about the sacks of money?

And I say…

I know, I know… THE BREAD… I am making THE BREAD.

And then they say…

When you say bread do you mean fat stacks of dollar bills in a grocery bag?

And I say -

It’s a foregone conclusion… even though that doesn’t make any sense at all.

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And then I smile…

I smile because I married a ranch tycoon and you didn’t.

I smile because when I post a photo of my dog on the internet, I make like ten thousand dollars.

I smile because I wear flowy gypsy tunics with angel sleeves while working over an open flame.

And I smile because there are currently three naked cowboys sitting on my counter-top.

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Take a piece of bread…

Place it in the toaster…


Turn your toaster all the way to blackest black of blackness blacker blackity black black.

This is brown.

You want it black.

Oh baby.

Do you ever want it black.

Blacker.

Way blacker.

Waaaaaaaaay blaaaaaaaacker.

Think of the blackness of Seal’s purply black scars.

And then think of Heidi.

And then think Seal and Heidi together.

In a giant tub of Butter.

We’re smokin’ now!

See that black part?

That’s where the flavor is.

That is the seasoning.

You know what happens next.

Yes you do.

You know you want it!

THE BUTTER!

I love butter so much!

The soft, silky texture.

The way it feels against my skin…

And my tongue!

And my face.

It’s so firm and unyielding…

Until you warm it up…

And then it changes.

To something slick and slippery…

And so, so deliciously satisfying…

I want to marry butter!

And have butter’s little butter babies!

I want to feel the butter’s babies inside of me!

Swimming around in my tummy!

Oooooh!  I can feel their chubby butter kicks!

I love my chubby butter babies SO MUCH!!!

I WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH MY CHUBBY BUTTER BABIES!!!!

Come here chubby butter baby!

Come to mama!

Mama loves you so much!

Eating THE BREAD…

It’s like eating a chubby baby made of butter!

My own chubby butter baby! (That is actually the baby of my other chubby butter baby who is the baby of me and butter!)

It’s the perfect crispy crunchy complement to anything you could ever want to eat!

Try it this weekend!

Served with some cowboy tenderloin!

And then make your guests put on your flowy tops!

And then give them a big bag of cash.

Love ya more than my luggage!

Pie Near Woman