Browsing Archives for Pie Near Woman

This one may make your eyeballs bleed. It starts out excruciatingly slow with slides of the same old photos we’ve seen thousands of times and just when you are about to fall headlong into a coma from which there is no return, the narrator begins to quote Ree’s new romance novel…

“The ranch was so removed from any semblance of society. It was easy to completely forget that society even existed, let alone a society brimming with traffic, hustle and bustle and stress. I found it so easy to think clearly.”

I don’t know who was in charge of editing this book, but using the word ‘society’ three times and the word ‘easy’ two times in the same paragraph seems a tiny bit redundant to me. Call me crazy, but could Ree not locate an online thesaurus?  Or how about re-work those sentences jut a bit?

In order to help Ree with her next book which I imagine will be called Black Heels to Tractor Wheels to Unending Spiels and Big Bloggy Deals, I am going to suggest a few simple synonyms for the words society and easy.  That way, she can keep her mind focused on more pressing matters – like taking twenty two thousand photos of Charlie lying on the couch.

“The ranch was so removed from anything resembling civilization. It was easy to completely forget that the world even existed, let alone a non-stop jungle brimming with traffic, hustle and bustle and stress.  I could relax and think clearly.

Now we just need to switch out the uber cliche of the phrase – ‘brimming with traffic, hustle and bustle and stress.” because blah.

How about this?

Let alone a non-stop jungle swinging on the vines of it’s own exhaust.

Now let’s just re-do the entire paragraph…

“The ranch was so removed from anything resembling civilization. I could almost forget that the world even existed, let alone a non-stop jungle swinging on the vines of its own exhaust. The air was clear. The sky was blue.  I could see.  I could breathe.  I could hear myself think.”

There!

Isn’t that better!

Can a jungle swing on the vines of it’s own exhaust?

Who cares!  It’s better!

Next up Ree answers some questions, but her answers are totally boring, so I dragged Pie Near Woman out to give them a little flavor!

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Interviewer – Fill in the blank.  A cowgirl cannot live without…?

PNW – A millionaire cowboy husband, A Nikon D 700 SLR, a Canon EOS 1 Ds Mark III Digital SLR, a macro lens, a micro lens, a micro/macro/micro lens, a closet full of never to be worn designer clothes, a sequined mini, a gilded lily, a designer dog named Charlie, imported mascara, botox, a Kitchen-Aid mixer in every color of the rainbow, enough Jadeite to turn Martha Stewart green, an absurd collection of flowy tops in every obnoxious print under the sun, enough Spanx to feed the world, Limoges, Two MacBook Pros for each residence (guest house, other guest house, other guest house, the lodge, each suburban and the main house), a gardener, a nanny, a private tutor for each punk, a jet, an airport, and a housekeeper named Tia Juana who lives in the basement, does all the cooking and ghostwrites my best sellers!

Interviewer – What is the most romantic thing Marlboro Man has ever done for you?

PNW – Funded my rise to internet stardom.

Interviewer – What’s the most romantic thing you have ever done for Marlboro Man?

PNW – Let him have the hind milk.

Interviewer – Where’s the location of your most memorable kiss?

PNW – With MM?

Interviewer – Uh…

PNW – And do you mean me on him or him on me?

Interviewer – I mean where was the kiss?  What was the location?

PNW – Well it wasn’t on the lips sister!   And I won’t ever forget it!  The branding iron sort of made that impossible anyway!

Interviewer – Um… Maybe we should move on.  Why are chaps so sexy?

PNW – Are you a total dumbass?  I mean isn’t it kind of obvious?  Do you want me to put it on a pie chart or something?

Interviewer – I guess you’re right.  The way they showcase certain vital regions on a man’s anatomy…

PNW – What?  No!  It’s the BUCKLES you idiot!  All those straps and buckles.  They totally make me lactate.

Interviewer – Okay… Um… Paula Dean or Bobby Flay?

PNW – Bobby! Bobby!  Bobby!  My bags swell to the fullness of the land just thinking of him!  And honey!  We gotta lotta land!

Interviewer – Would you rather be forced to give up meat or give up butter?

PNW – Ooooooh! Who’s doing the forcing? Is it Marlboro Man? So boring!  How about Trisha Yearwood? I think she has all the markings of an excellent dominatrix.  Is Bobby forcing me? Can he beat me with a wire whisk first?  OMG!  I am so LEAKING!  Someone get me a dishcloth!  Not that shitty one!  The nice one from Williams Sonoma!  JESUS!

Interviewer – Favorite thing about country life?

PNW – The internet.

Interviewer – You’re stranded with nothing to do but read a book. What book would you want to have with you?

PNW – Where am I stranded?

Interviewer – Uh…

PNW – Can I be stranded at a Starbucks?

Interviewer – Sure…So what are you reading at Starbucks?

PNW – I am wearing a flowy top embroidered in pure gold by the hands of twenty seven Chinese children, expensive complicated heels with thousands of buckles and straps adorn my perfectly pedicured feet, my long red hair that is actually dark brown is hanging down my back in a lush tangle of Nelly Olsen curls… I have angel sleeves… there are a twenty three bracelets on my left arm and fourteen necklaces around my neck.  My earrings feature owls mating with the most adorable chihuahuas…

Interviewer – Not wearing!… ReadingWhat are you Reading!

PNW – I’m not reading anything. I’m modeling my outfit for Starbucks!

Interviewer – But the question that I asked you is what are you reading while you are stranded at Starbucks?

PNW – I’m watching T.V.

Interviewer – There isn’t a T.V. at Starbucks.

PNW – Then I’ll just get my coffee to go!

Interviewer – You can’t! The doors are locked, there’s no T.V., the only thing you can do is read. What are you reading.

PNW – The menu?

Interviewer – It has to be a book. You must be reading a book. What is the book?

PNW – Does People magazine count?

Interviewer – No. A real book.  Like one of your own books.

PNW – I can read my own book?

Interviewer – Is that what you would read?

PNW – Yes!

Interviewer – Which one?

PNW – How many do I have?

Interviewer – Sigh.  Let’s move on to the final question. What are you most looking forward to with your upcoming book tour?

PNW – My fawning zombie fans who laugh on command and being near a Starbucks with no books!

Interviewer – Do you have any closing remarks?

PNW – Ooooh!  I have been practicing and practicing this one!  How does this sound?  I always thought that happiness was friends, having things to do and places to go and Broadway shows, but now I realize that happiness is really about being a famous blogger. That’s how you get contentment… and also love… which I love my husband very much… even though I am stuck on this shitty ranch in the middle of nowhere I still have contentment and love and millions of rabid fans and also millions of dollars! That is how you find contentment.  Love ya more’n my luggage!

I love you guys so much!

Thank you so much for all the wonderful birthday wishes that you left yesterday along with the links promoting your own blogs, your businesses, your products and you personal masseuse services!  Also thanks to my sister in Tayhoss for plumping up the comments in her own special way!  Love you little sister!  You complete me!

As for the rest of you!

Come here.

Closer.

No Closer!

Closer.

No.

Closer.

CLOSER!

I said CLOSER GOD DAMMIT!!

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I love you guys!

‘sigh’.

I am so contented right now.

So fat and contented.

Just like an old broken down milk cow!

Hey!

Watch this!

I can lactate on demand!

Now come here!

Closer.

I said closer.

CLOSER!

CLOSER YOU IDIOTS!

*crickets!*

I just love you guys so much!

Sometimes I…

I…

I…

I just want to breastfeed you!

I know!

But I can’t help it!

I have so much to give!

It pours out of me night and day.

Day and night.

Night and day.

Day and night and night and day.

And I want to share it with you.

I want to nourish you from my loins.

I want to feed your soul with the nectar of my heart and my soul…

And also my bosoms.

Love you, Love you, love, love, love, LOVE YOU!!!!!

Look at how much dirt I swept off my floors yesterday!

*crickets!*

Well… I didn’t really sweep them myself.

Lawsie Mercy!

I don’t sweep my own floors!

Who is going to feed the world from her soul and her heart and her bosoms and her loins if I am sweeping my floors?

Actually, Tia Juana, Marlboro Man’s half breed third cousin who lives in our basement and is allowed to come upstairs and clean the house when we are asleep, swept them for me.  I told her she better take a photo of her work to prove that she was doing it correctly or it was right back to the reservation with her!

I just love illegals!

ALSO!!!!!

I had a dream last night!


I was (typical) getting ready to take a bath in my kitchen aid mixer…

When suddenly big shiny droplets of my plentiful milk began to pour from my ta tas!

I didn’t know what to do!

But then I thought…

MILK BATH!

And suddenly my hands were caked with cow manure!

Because Marlboro Man had roped me and dragged me though a field!

And then he branded me!

And then DAVID from the QVC was suddenly beside me and I said,”David, get your ass in this milk bath that I squoze from my very own hidey holes!”

And then Bobby Flay showed up!

“Bobby!  Bobby!  Bobby!  Bobby!”  I screamed.

And then I told him that I used to breastfeed my babies during his show because whenever I see Bobby -

my bags swell to the fullness of the land.

And Bobby said, “You have told me that like twenty times already.”

“Have I told you lately that I love you?”  I asked him.

“You had me at hello” he replied.  And then he jumped in the tub.

AND THEN TRISHA YEARWOOD APPEARED!

” Trisha!”  I squealed.  “Is it really you?”

“Yes.”  She said.  “It is I.”

“Because it doesn’t really look like you.”  I insisted.

“It is I”, she insisted and her face got all hard and stony and then I instantly recognized her.

“Oh my gosh Trisha!  It IS you!  Come and partake of the juice of my loins!” I giggled.

And Trisha greedily took a long noisy draught from the tub and when she finally lifted her head from my foaming white essence

she turned to me and said,

“It tastes like Ginger.”

And then Marlboro Man appeared out of the mist.

His fine haunches poking though the billowing clouds…

Followed by his forearms and then came the rest of him…

(Which is sort of a blank to me.)

Marlboro man said he could smell my nectar all the way down in the south north western forty!

And that it was feeding time.

“Climb on in Baby!” I exclaimed.  “You know I always save some for you!”

And then it started to get crowded and boring and repetitive

and to feel plasticky and overwrought and really, really tiresome

and there was no focus or new content.

Just the same old boring stories

day after day after day after day after day

and I could see the writing on the wall so I decided to cash in while there was still time!

And write a children’s book!

ABOUT CHARLIE!!!!!!

Don’t chuckle.

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Once upon a time…

There was a dog named Charlie.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him!

Ha ha ha ha ha hah ohoh hohohohoho hwohwohoaso

hahahah araharthra hrehe hehehah anana hahrhr hahahahahahah

ahahauhauhuahu hauhau hauhau huahuhawu hawuha uhwu ahwuh uhawuhawu hauwh

wauhhahuahwoahhauhwhoahwuowhoauhowuhohawouhouhwaouhwouhoahohwohwohoahowuhoahwoh!

And this dog named Charlie was a basset hound.

But he really, really, really, wants to be a cow dog.

But he can’t.

Because basset hound!

So he stumbles around the ranch in a series of foibles!

I love the word foibles so much

Foibles, foibles, foibles!

FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES!!!!!!!!!!!

FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It totally makes me lactate!

And Charlie tries to be a cow dog, but he can’t because his owner makes him stay in the house all day so she can take photos of his nether regions for the internet and Charlie gets real sad about it!

He gets real, real, real, real, sad!

But no one can tell that Charlie is sad.

Because basset hound.

And so he runs away!

But his short legs and his long ears and his lacy black negligee makes it very hard for him to run very fast!

And then his owner finds him and drags him back to the ranch!

The end!

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.And this is when my publisher told me that lactating women, Spanx, butter, and photos of my husband’s ass are not really a good combo for the children’s market.

So I called Tia Juana up from the basement and made her write the Charlie book for me.

She replaced the black negligee with a bowl of homegrown radishes.

And no… I didn’t grow those radishes.  I have never grown an actual radish in my life because WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO WRITE ALL THESE CHARLIE POSTS IF I AM TAKING CARE OF A GARDEN!?!

Maybe I should get Tia Juana to grow me some radishes?!?

Is it possible to garden in the dark?

Love ya more n’ my luggage!

Pie Ny Why Oh Why Deedle Wheedle Dum Dum D’oh!

Pie Near Woman Gets Branded!

December 13th, 2010

Hi everybody!  It’s me!

Pie Near Woman!

Today, I want to talk about something very important!

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More important that dating, marriage and babies…

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More important than lactating, Spanx and butter!


It’s the single most important question of your life!

And that question is…

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What is your personal brand?

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Because nothing in the whole wide world is more important than choosing your brand.

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It will follow you the whole rest of your life.

And if you do it right, people will come to love your brand and to trust your brand

And defend your brand on the internet like a pack of rabid hyenas

and to mindlessly consume your brand long after it is interesting, inspiring or even intelligible!

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Trust me.

There is no more passionate nor more catatonic love…

Than the love of a favorite brand!

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And as in most things…

I am an expert on branding.

Not only because I am simply better than most people…

But also because I am a massive consumer of the best brands myself!

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I guess it takes one to know one!

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The first thing you need to know when choosing your brand is…

Who are the people who are going to love your brand?

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Are they conspicuously wealthy, bored out of their minds, middle aged housewives who choose to insulate

themselves from reality by creating a mental fort of womens magazines and wallpaper samples?

Or…

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Are they paranoid religious right-wing conservatives who have prayed for a biblical epoch for a homeschooling

prophetess who would make it alright for their hineys to tingle once in a while?

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Or better yet!

Stupid young women whose ovaries are on fire

and who can’t wait to have a baby because

MORE SHOPPING!

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As you may have guessed…

My readers are all of the above.

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And I have created a special place

and a special brand

where they can all come together over and over and over and over again throughout the day

and feel safe… and loved… and completely protected from that nasty, horrible place called…

reality.

(shudder)

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What does my brand look like?

To my readers it is a big beautiful butterfly!

(Emphasis on butter!)

But to me it just looks like every other successful brand in the world…

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Lawsie Mercy!

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Love Ya More’n My Luggage!

Pie Near Woman