Browsing Archives for Pie Near Woman

Hi everyone!

It’s me!

Pie Near Woman!

Guess what!

Elizabeth Taylor died!

Oh my gosh!

So sad.

She was such an amazing woman.

So many accomplishments in her life.

She reminds me of me.

I keep wondering why I never channeled her.

I have channeled so many famous women – Lucille Ball, Sylvia Plath, Ethel Merman, Helen Reddy…

The way I write, the way I live, the way I hock high end merchandise and low end food products on the internet.  It’s all very reminiscent of most of the premiere artists of the 1950s-1980s.

So why did I never channel Elizabeth Taylor?

Is it because she wasn’t dead until yesterday?

I don’t think a person has to be dead to get channeled.

Helen Reddy isn’t dead yet.

Well… she’s sort of half dead.  You could probably describe her as ‘dead-ish’.  I mean she used to be like the most famous blogger… I mean SINGER in the world and then nothing.  When was the last time Helen Reddy crossed your mind? When was the last time you checked her blog to see if she had a new post up? See what I mean? That must be kind of like being dead. That must be why I can channel her.

I am woman, hear me roar.

In numbers too big to ignore

And I know too much to go back and pretend.

Isn’t that a great Helen Reddy song?

From back when she was still relevant.

Except that last line is confusing to me…

“I know too much to go back and pretend…”

Go back where?

Pretend what?

What is she talking about?

Maybe I am just channeling too much Elizabeth Taylor right now and can’t really intercept the whole half dead Helen Reddy vibe.

Or maybe I am just too grief stricken to understand anything very deep and meaningful.

I am in an abyss of sorrow

From which there is no tomorrow

And I know too much to go back and pretend…

I wrote that song just now.

It just popped into my head.

Like everything else I write.  It pops and I write it!  Pop!  Write!  Pop!  Write!  I am like an eternally busting balloon that instantly re-inflates!

Goodnight Elizabeth Taylor.

I will try and carry on your legacy and your balloon in the most ethereal way possible.

I wear these angel sleeves for you dear lady.

And also for me.

Because I look fabulous in them.

Pie Near


Hi everyone!

It’s me!

The Pie Near Woman!

I am going to take a break from my website to catch up on homeschooling my kids because I haven’t had much time over the past four years to teach them due to the amazing success of ME!  And nothing is more important to me than my punks and their education!  And if I can’t give it to them – nobody will!

Okay?

So I am going to take a little break!

But I will be back!

Love you more’n my luggage!

Love you!

So Love You!

Please promise that you will be here when I get back!

Please don’t leave me!

I am so afraid you are going to leave!

Say that you won’t leave me!

SAY IT!!!!!

SAY YOU WON’T LEAVE!!!!

Just stay right there at your computer and don’t move until I get back.

DON’T MOVE!

Just re-load my page over and over again.

Kay bye!

BYE!

I am going now!

I am leaving.

Are you still there?

Okay – that was just a test.

I am really leaving this time.

No, really.

I am going.

I am leaving.

Love you!

BYE!

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Tap, tap tap this thing on?

Hey everyone!

It’s me Pie Near Woman!

I’m back from my homeschooling break!

I know!

You almost gave up on me didn’t you!

BUT HERE I AM!!!!

I SO MISSED YOU!

AND I SO MISSED ME TELLING YOU HOW AWESOME I AM SO YOU COULD TELL ME HOW AWESOME I AM TOO!!!!!

It’s like a circle isn’t it?

The circles of my life!

We keep circling back to the circles of my life don’t we?

Did you miss me while I was gone?

But sometimes a little time apart can be a good thing.

Because guess what!

While I was gone I totally remembered how awesome I am at homeschooling!

OMG!

I am SO, so, so, so, SO,SO, SO, AWESOME AT HOMESCHOOLING!

So I dashed off a quick list of how to be an amazing homeschooler like me!

Enjoy!!!!

1.  Only Homeschool your kids when you FEEL like it!  And mostly I don’t feel like it because my children are not very good at continually stoking my ego like you guys are plus I am not type A!  But everyone has to do unpleasant things once in a while.  For instance – one time, I threw up all over my flowy top and then I had to wear it on the Paula Deen show!  I smelled pretty awful.  That’s why Paula is standing so far away from me.

2. Shopping! I love shopping!  Fortunately for me, homeschooling is mostly about shopping!  Markers, gel pens, and cute little metal organizer bins with chalk board labels from Pottery Barn Kids!  And bunk beds and dressers and armoires from Maine Cottage!  And vintage style desks, and chairs and sofas from Restoration Hardware!  And the most amazing table linens from Crate and Barrel! And cookware from William Sonoma!  Don’t even get me started on the light fixtures from PB Teen!  Not to mention the jewelry and baby items from Etsy!  Shopping is absolutely critical to my homeschooling success.

3. Purity. One of the biggest reasons that I home-school the punks is to keep them pure and untainted from all the satanic influences in the public schools.  Instead of teaching them about evolution (or as I like to call it, EVILution) we sit down at the TV and watch a marathon of The Real Housewives of Orange County together!  And then we watch American Chopper!  And then we watch The Bachelor!  You should see how pure my kids are! They literally look like they are made of marble and their eyes glow with what can only be described as evangelical fanaticism!

4. Latin. I teach my kids Latin because this is the language of the Pope and also of Jesus and also of all the illegals.  Teaching my kids Latin will enable them to speak to their own illegals someday.  Also – they will be able to talk to God in His native tongue.


5. Blogging! I mostly home-school because it helps my brand.  If you are ever in the market for people who will believe anything you tell them – look no further than Chreeschin home-schoolers!  Holy Shiites!  All you have to do is tell them that you home-school your punks, bake something with butter in it, mention going to church or prayer or something holy-ish sounding, talk a lot about how much you love your husband and how badly you want another baby and then give them a chance to win a fancy mixer!  You know that bible verse where Jesus said something about sheep being the dumbest animals of all time?  He was not even joking!

Besides!

I love helping!

In my own quiet way.

Helping, Caring and Finding contentment – this is the essence of me.

Like I always tell my kids…

Don’t you dare grow up on me you sweet little punkin heads!

Because mommy has in no way prepared you for the real world!

Love ya more than my pie nie diddly widdly doo dah day!

Pie Near


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Hi everyone!  It’s me!  The Pie Near Woman!  Did you recognize me in my nursemaid uniform?  This is what I wear when I home-school the punks.  It helps me to feel connected to my inner Laura Ingalls Wilder while simultaneously allowing me to breastfeed whenever I feel like it!  I love homeschooling!
But I also love teaching you – my readers – my friends – the only friends I have.
So today I am wearing my nursemaid uniform to home-school you about my favorite word…

FOIBLE!!!

We have so many foibles here on the ranch.

We are constantly doing foibles!

Look at me!

Look at me doing foibles!

I am such a foibler!

I foible all the time!

I love to foible!

Foibling is my life!!!

Foibles, foibles, FOIBLES!

I foible in the kitchen, I foible in the rain, I foible with my Charlie, I foible in great pain.

My breast they leak with foible, my IPhone loves me best, I foible with my camera and I foible with great zest.

I so love to foible!

And I love to DO foibles!

And foibles love to DO ME!!!!

But sometimes I get confused and in a hurry and I wreck the suburban into a fence so that I can have another foible and then I foible my way across America with my foible-full cookbook and foibling romance of a rich ranch dip wrapped inside  a creamy redheaded foible…

But then other times I get in a hurry and I accidentally write foible as FOYBULL.

Which makes me think of bullshit.

Which makes me think of my entire blog!

Which…

Which…

Which…

Never-mind.

Foible.

It is my favorite word.

It should be your favorite word too.

Because I said so.

Amen.

Goodbye forever!

Or at least until my next foible brings us back together!