Browsing Archives for Pie Near Woman

Hi Everyone!

It’s Me!

Pie Near Woman!

Do you like my outfit!

Isn’t it beautiful!

I got it on Ebay!

Sometimes I like to wear outfits like this one to remind Marlboro Man that I am a woman…

And not just a pale, jiggly body permanently attached to a laptop computer!

It usually does the trick!

But in order to turn this trick, I had to go in search of MM.

And on our massively huge ranch, that is not always easy.

It could be days!

Months!

Years!

I better pack some provisions!

After what seemed like decades of searching, I finally located him on the lower upper eastern west forty of the baby back acreace.

He was out shelling lambs.

I waved him over.

“Honey!  Honey come here!  Mama’s got something special for you!”

As he rode his horse over to me, I strategically let my coat fall off one shoulder.

Girls…

It works every time.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded. “And why are you dressed like a saloon girl from a bad western!  Put your coat back on before the cowboys see you!”

I love it when MM is shocked by my behavior.


He grabbed my coat and tried to cover me up…

And suddenly…

Just like clock work…

Marlboro Man and I were having a moment!

Our lives flashed before our eyes!

We were young and viral and full of our parent’s money!

We were about to exhibit the behavior of a too long caged up bull and a steer in heat!

But then!

Out of nowhere!

The deafening thunder of wild horse hooves pounded past us in a cloud of dirt, debris and dark swirling hair!

“What was that?” I exclaimed.

“It’s Tia Juana!”  Marlboro Man explained.  “She is riding one of the wild mustangs again!”


“That’s impossible!”  I gasped. “Tia is at home polishing my luggage in the basement!”

“No she’s not.  She’s been helping me to care for the wild mustangs.”

“What?!?”  I exclaimed.  “Helping you?  Why do you need Tia to help YOU?!?”

“I don’t have time to explain it all right now,” MM said, “I have to go and get her!  She is heading into wild cat territory!”

“Wild cat territory!  No!  Don’t leave me here by myself!”  I screamed clinging to the fringe on his Armani suede vest.  “Tia is an illegal!  She is used to crossing dangerous territory under pain of death!  Stay with me Marlboro Man!  Protect me!  Cover me up with my coat again!  Please!  Please don’t go!”

“Are you crazy!”  MM said.  “She could be killed!”

And then Marlboro Man pushed past me, knocking me flat onto the moist grassy pasture.  I began to shiver and moan and whimper as the cold damp earth rapidly seeped through my tutu and into my fishnet stockings.  Little weeplets began to form in the corner of my eyes.  “Don’t let it be an ugly cry.”  I chastised myself.  “Keep yourself together Pie Near.  You want to make him feel bad, but you don’t want to look bad at the same time!”

But MM wasn’t thinking of me as he ran towards the galloping horse.

His only thought was for the safety of his domestic illegal Native American.

“Tia!  Tia!  TIA!!!!”  He cried.

Tia glanced back at him, but she did not slow down.

She just kept riding!

Straight into the jaws of danger!

“Let her die.  Let her die.  Let her die.”  I fervently prayed. I have no idea why I prayed that.  I love Tia.  I love her more n’ my luggage, but sometimes I just want to break her little neck!  I guess it’s just the stress of being a world famous blogger.  Just keepin’ it real folks.

In the meantime, Marlboro Man was slowly closing the gap!  He is a real fast runner.  He used to play highschool football and he went to ASU!


As I watched him run, my eyes lingered on his fine backside.  The way the muscle clung to his bone.  I wondered if he was well marbled.  No.  He’d probably be tough and rangy, but maybe if I marinated him overnight in a six pack of Dr. Pepper…

As I was lying there in the grass dreaming of a delicious rump roast for dinner, Chief Big Lotto rode up to ask me what was going on.

Chief Big Lotto is Tia Juana’s uncle.

He rides the range.

He speaks the tongue of the Wind Mother.

He listens with the ears of the Great One.

“Tia Juana has crossed into wild cat territory and Marlboro Man is trying to save her!”  I explained.

“Marlboro Man must follow the dreams of the ancestors.”  Chief Lotto intoned.

“What?  What does that mean?”  I questioned.

“Marlboro Man will taste the dust of the stars and the bitter root of many broken ram horns.”

“Huh?  What?  Are you giving a prophecy?”  I asked. ” I don’t understand what you are saying.  Me speaky white woman from golf course land.  You speaky illegal Native from Osage land.  You go talky talky, but me no understandy.  Talky talky, helpy, helpy.  Me no speaky you illegal tongue”

After I tried to explain myself, Chief Lotto stared at me for a long time and then he threw me over the back of his horse like a sack of grain.

“We must travel into the seven winds until the crowned serpent shows herself in the stars.” he whispered.

“Uh Chief…” I said, “I have to get back to the lodge and photograph myself making some cupcakes.  Can you put me down please?”

“My people don’t eat the devil cupcake.  It takes our strength and leaves us scarred and pitted with viper fang.”

“Oh… Okay… I could totally make some jelly donuts instead.”

But Chief Big Lotto had turned his attention back to the horizon where MM was trying to rescue Tia Juana!


And that’s when the first wild cat jumped out of nowhere!

She eyeballed Tia for several seconds but when she saw MM she darted away.

But the second cat was a different story.  He was not deterred by the speed nor the gluteal structure of MM.  Instead he sped right by him and headed straight to Chief Big Lotto and ME!

“Help!”

“HELP!”  I screamed.

The big cat sniffed my stockings and then reeled backwards and stumbled straight towards Tia Juana!

Marlboro Man was almost there!

But he was too late!

The big cat swiped Tia off her horse with it’s huge claws and pinned her to the ground!

Clasping her by the neck in his iron jaws of death, the big cat began to suck the very life from her!

And then… just like that… the big cat disappeared.

And Marlboro Man ran to Tia Juana to see if she was still alive!

Gently he scooped her off the ground.

Are you alright?  He asked looking her over for any injuries.

“I am fine”.  Tia said.  “Just a little bruised and embarrassed”.

“Embarrassed? What are you embarrassed about?” MM asked as he gently sat Tia Juana down.

“I should know better than to ride into wild cat territory.  I grew up on this ranch.  I know these lands better than anyone!  I feel like such a fool.”

“You are the least foolish person on this ranch!”  Marlboro Man said.  “No one understands the flora and the fauna and the wild critters the way you do!  No one speaks to them the way you do.  By the way, what did you tell that wild cat to make it go away?”

“I just whispered the critter love words of my ancestors.  You know the language too.  I taught it to you when we were kids!”

“Ah Tia.  You know those were just silly games we played.  I don’t even know what I was saying just now.  It’s like I was under a temporary magic spell from seeing you almost killed. There’s no such thing as magic animal languages!”

“But we used to talk to the animals all the time!  Remember?  Braaaaaay hosher hosher hosher Braaaaaay hosher hosher miaow whoof whoof Braaaaaay mooooo!”

For a brief moment MM’s eyes lit up with a fire of long lost understanding.  “Did you just say the donkey is on the roof?” He asked.

“Yes!  I knew you remembered!  I knew it”  Tia yelped. “You can still speak magic animal!  Somewhere deep inside of you MM there is still a man who loves the Wind Mother and cares for her offspring!”

“Oh Tia…”  MM said.  “That was a long time ago. Things have changed…”

“What do you mean?”  asked Tia.

“I mean this…” MM said as he leaned in and brushed some dirt off of Tia’s jugular vein.

“This… where your neck connects to your chest and you blood supply moves from your heart to your brain.  You are the connection Tia.  The missing piece.  You always have been.

But Tia backed away from MM.  A look of hurt and confusion swam in her large brown eyes.

“I have to go now.”  Tia said…

Tia mounted the wild mustang who had been waiting patiently for her.  “When we were children we ran amok on these lands like two thistle bushes pushed by Mother Wind.  You must try and remember.  Remember the olden ways.  The ways of my people.  The ways of OUR people.  That’s the real missing piece.”

And then she turned to go…

MM watched her ride away.

She was a part of this land like no other person he had ever met.

A part of the land…

A part of his ranch…

And a part of his heart…

To be continued…

Hi everyone!

It’s me!

Pie Near Woman!

In honor of being such a channeler of Helen Reddy, I am wearing a vintage 1970′s hand knit halter top with matching hat and bag!

Don’t I look great!

And guess what else!

It’s Michele Bachmann’s birthday today!

I love her!

I love her so much!

She is basically just like me.

It’s like we are Siamese twins with two different heads but the same body but also different bodies and born at different times from different mothers thirteen years apart but other than that we are in the same body at the same time sharing four lactating boobs and twenty five uteruses that have spawned eleven natural born children and twenty three unnatural born foster children!

I love Michele Bachmann so much!

I want to marry her!

And have babies with her!

In all of our uteruses!

And then she can nurse my babies and I can nurse her babies and we can nurse each other, but not in America – only in Canada.  Because Michele and I totally believe that gay marriage is a symbol of anti Americanism and if you want to be gay – that’s fine!  Just do it in another country!  And I am just joking about having babies with Michele because I am the least gay person you could ever meet except for when I am channeling Ethel Merman and photographing my husband’s ass.  Because when I do those two things I kind of feel like I am channeling a gay man, but then I remember that gay people can’t live in America so I must be channeling Helen Reddy instead.  Because Helen Reddy lives in Australia!

Oh my goodness!  I hate politics!  Ugh!  Except for Michele Bachmann who I totally love!  Why?  Because she is just like me!

She homeschooled her kids.

She is a world leader.

She is really, really pretty.

She’s so marketable to the religious right!

She’s all over the internet!

And she says the craziest shit you ever heard!

Yesterday Marlboro Man surprised me with a trip to Minnesota to hear Michele talk!

It was so amazing!

Here are some of my favorite Michele Bachmann quotes!

Happy Birthday Michele!

”[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said she has even said she is trying to save the planet.  We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.”

”Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful.  But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

”I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

“During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.”

”We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.”


”There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”


”If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”



”I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?”

”I don’t know where they’re going to get all this money because we’re running out of rich people in this country.”


”Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”


”This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.”

”And what a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”


After Michele was finished with her incredibly awesome speech, her husband stepped up to the microphone!

He said that since it was Michele’s birthday we should all give her $55.00 because that is a dollar for every year that Michele has been working her self to death by slitting her wrists and making blood oaths on behalf of real patriotic Americans.

Me and Marlboro Man stepped out of the crowd and gave her all the money we had on us which is a lot.

Because we are rich.

Two of the last rich people left in America!

I so hope she runs for PRESIDENT!!!!

So she can save us from extinction!

Here are some of the other people who were at Michele’s speech!  Lots of homeschoolers and thousands of babies!

I love babies!

I want to marry these babies!

And have babies with these babies!


After her speech, Michele invited me up on stage!

I was so excited!

Can you tell?

Can you tell how excited I was?!?

And my BFF from Oklahoma, the Senator’s Wife was there too!

Hi BFF Senator’s Wife!  I love you so much!  I would have babies with you too, but I am already having babies with Michele (in Canada only) and also with all the babies in Minnesota, so my uterus is kind of booked for a while.  But I still love you!  I love you more’n my luggage which is almost as good as wanting to have babies with you!


It was a dream like day!


And I didn’t want to EVER wake up!  So instead I decided to sing Michele a song for her birthday!  And since I was already channeling Helen Reddy in my 1970′s halter top with matching bag and hat, I decided to sing a Helen Reddy song!

A one!

A two!

A one, two, three, four!

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back and pretend

‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again!

Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything!

I am strong (STRONG)
I am invincible (INVINCIBLE)
I am WOMAN!!!!!!!

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained

If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (STRONG)
I am invincible (INVINCIBLE)
I am WOMAN!!!!!!!

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land


But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand!

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained

If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (STRONG)
I am invincible (INVINCIBLE)
I am woman!!!!!!!


It was a perfect day!

Goodbye Forever!

Pie Near

Hi Ya’ll!

It’s me!

The Pie Near Woman!

Today – I was going to make a rich ranch dip (inspired by my own rich ranch dip -  ha ha!) but then I thought WAIT A MINUTE!

Do you people even know how to slice an onion?

Help me Rhonda!

You probably don’t!

So I decided I better show you because if I don’t, how will you ever figure it out???

Can you guess which one of these tools you will need to slice an onion?

Take your time!

Did you guess the garlic press?

That’s a good guess!

But wrong!

Did you guess the medicine dispenser?

Lawsie Mercie!

So close!

But also wrong!

Did you guess the knife?

You are right!

I knew you could do it!


The first thing you want to do when slicing an onion is to remove the outer skin.

The skin is the yellow part on the outside of the onion.

Except on some onions the skin is white…

And on some onions the skin is red…

Just like people!

I know!  I know!

It’s very confusing!

Just try and stay with me okay?

We are almost there!!!!

After you remove the onion skin, slice the onion in half and lay the two halves on your chest.

This is called an onion poultice.

It’s an old timey remedy that will make you feel extra wholesome and full of the pioneer spirit!


Garnish your onion halves with some juicy, succulent olives!

Help me Rhonda!

Don’t my onions look so delicious!

Aren’t you absolutely drooling?

Can an onion make a hiney tingle?

Because mine sure is!

Use your onions however you like at this point!

Throw them in the face of a hungry cowboy.

Satiate a pack of wild punks.

Nurture your growing herd of basset hounds.

Trust me!  They spice up everything!

And your family and friends will savor every bite!

Bye Bye!

Pie Pie!