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CDW – Hello sir, welcome to the Garden Center. Can I help you find something?

Customer – I need to find something for grubs.

CDW – Oh dear no…would you like to see our container plants?

Customer – What?

CDW – Maybe I can help you find a nice flowering shrub?

Customer – I said grubs…not shrubs… grubs.

CDW – Yes, we have some very beautiful shrubs they are just right out back. The almonds are bursting with gorgeous pink blossoms!

Customer – I um…actually, I was looking for something to control the grubs… in my yard.

CDW – Do you like petunias?

Customer – Petunias?

CDW – Yes, Petunias! We have several varieties and enough colors to make your head spin. I am partial to the tidal wave variety

Customer – Do they help with grubs?

CDW – Yes they do!

Customer – Really? How?

CDW – Well, you plant a nice bed of petunias to look at and then you don’t notice your grub infested lawn so much anymore!

Customer – Is there anyone else I can talk to?

CDW – Um no… everyone seems to be busy at the moment.

Customer – Can you just point me to your lawn chemicals!

CDW – No problem – they are right over there.

Customer – Can you show me where the grub control is in the chemicals?

CDW – Um… well…. it’s just that um… you see, I seem to have a condition.

Customer – What?

CDW – You see we have training every Monday night and we learn all sorts of garden know-how and I have learned a lot about trees and shrubs and flowers and how to work a cash register, but every time the words “grub” or “aphid” or “scale” or “mealy worms” or “maggot” or well…you get the idea… my eyes roll back into my skull and a clear fluid starts leaking from my ears, and my mind sort of drifts off to a much happier place full of waving grasses and bright sunny blossoms and tall majestic trees and containers! Yes! Containers full of elegant trailing blooms and tall spiky plumes and bright cheery flowers. Don’t you just love containers!

Customer – Uh…

CDW – Anyway… and I just can’t seem to stay with the whole grub thing. I wake up a few minutes later when we are talking about trees again. Could I interest you in a Capitol Flowering Pear?

Customer – I am just going to look around.

CDW – They are a beautiful tree and even though they are called a pear they actually do not have fruit…just nice clusters of white flowers…

Customer – Thanks…

CDW – You’re welcome.

Customer – Listen to me carefully… I am going to walk away from you now… and I don’t want you to follow me.

CDW – No problem sir. Glad I could be of help!

Time to pay the water bill again!

And this time I was ready for the challenge!
Until  I looked outside and it was nothing but rain, rain, and more rain.

You know what that means don’t you?
I am once again going to disappoint and enrage the local rural water district red- ink- pen- gone – wild- lady with my unwillingness to hike out to my water meter, yank off the heavy metal lid, wrestle out the spider encrusted insulator and fail to understand what all those numbers mean and how I am supposed to write them down.
So I set aside the water bill until one of my boys was around… so I could send HIM out in the rain and  I moved on to the cell phone bill…

Which is a whole OTHER tragedy.
Because I lost the envelope that goes with the cell phone bill.  Which means I was going to have to HAND-WRITE the address for the cell phone company which was going to take FOREVER and require more concentration and attention to detail than I have ever been capable of handling.
To avoid having to HAND WRITE the cell phone company’s address, I found an old envelope with a hole in approximately the right place, but not quite.
See – the address is too far down…  So I worked another one of my crafty miracles, and I taped the bill in place so it wouldn’t slip past the window.

Then I got to thinking about how the person opening this envelope might get a tad irritated that the bill is taped in place, and hard to remove, so I decided to try and make that person feel better about it…

But then I thought that maybe…just maybe… the smiley face might further enrage the person opening the envelope, and struggling to remove it, so I decided  I would cheer him/her up with  a pretty flower stamp which I only give to the most deserving of bill recipients.

But all I had left were…

Ugly liberty bells.

Never Fear – I  found a way to make it better!

Surely now the envelope-opener person will know I meant no harm.

They will also have other thoughts about me too.

But let’s not think about that.

Paying the Water Bill

March 7th, 2008

Moving to the country has resulted in some unexpected chores of which I am none too fond.

In order to face these unwieldy, difficult, troublesome chores I have to first, get up my strong.

I put honey in my coffee.  From what I understand this is a simple way to save the world as I am giving underemployed bees a job.

Unfortunately I add regular old half and half from a regular old cow on top of my politically correct honey, thus destroying all my good work.

Never the less, I am drinking this concoction to strengthen myself for the coming task.  For it is time to pay the water bill.

Which means I have to hike way out there, beyond the pond, clear up by the road. Once I get up there I have to root around in the frozen grass for the water meter. Then I have to haul up the heavy metal lid, yank out the spider encrusted insulating foam pad, and attempt to read the meter. Except that I can’t seem to read the meter. It is weird and confusing and complicated.  You are supposed to ignore certain numbers and NOT ignore other numbers and I can’t ever remember which ones are which… so I made the decision a few months ago to just start estimating our water use. Because – IT IS FREEZING and I am not going to go up there and READ THAT STUPID… DUMB… STUPID… METER.

So I wrote a short note to the rural water district saying I was just going to estimate our bill based on our past usage. I explained that the directions for reading the meter were too complex and I couldn’t figure them out so here is my money and look I will even pay a little more… thank you… goodbye.

The rural water district has now responded two times now by sending a fresh set of complicated directions explaining how to read the meter and at the bottom of this set of directions they angrily scrawl out a note IN RED INK stating that I need to read my meter and record the numbers properly.  Between the lines, what they really seem to be saying is that everyone else can read THEIR meters, WHY CAN”T YOU STUPID LADY!!!

So I tried to read the meter again, but got confused and I was kind of shaky and nervous over all that red ink and so my bill looks like this…

It’s all messed up and I still don’t know what numbers to write down.  And you know what – who cares?

When it came time to choose a stamp for the mean people at the rural water district I had pick either the ugly brown liberty bell stamp or the pretty flower stamp.

That’s what you get mean rural water district people.  Ugly bell stamp for you!
That ought to show them!