Browsing Archives for Books & Letters

Paying the Water Bill

March 7th, 2008

Moving to the country has resulted in some unexpected chores of which I am none too fond.

In order to face these unwieldy, difficult, troublesome chores I have to first, get up my strong.

I put honey in my coffee.  From what I understand this is a simple way to save the world as I am giving underemployed bees a job.

Unfortunately I add regular old half and half from a regular old cow on top of my politically correct honey, thus destroying all my good work.

Never the less, I am drinking this concoction to strengthen myself for the coming task.  For it is time to pay the water bill.

Which means I have to hike way out there, beyond the pond, clear up by the road. Once I get up there I have to root around in the frozen grass for the water meter. Then I have to haul up the heavy metal lid, yank out the spider encrusted insulating foam pad, and attempt to read the meter. Except that I can’t seem to read the meter. It is weird and confusing and complicated.  You are supposed to ignore certain numbers and NOT ignore other numbers and I can’t ever remember which ones are which… so I made the decision a few months ago to just start estimating our water use. Because – IT IS FREEZING and I am not going to go up there and READ THAT STUPID… DUMB… STUPID… METER.

So I wrote a short note to the rural water district saying I was just going to estimate our bill based on our past usage. I explained that the directions for reading the meter were too complex and I couldn’t figure them out so here is my money and look I will even pay a little more… thank you… goodbye.

The rural water district has now responded two times now by sending a fresh set of complicated directions explaining how to read the meter and at the bottom of this set of directions they angrily scrawl out a note IN RED INK stating that I need to read my meter and record the numbers properly.  Between the lines, what they really seem to be saying is that everyone else can read THEIR meters, WHY CAN”T YOU STUPID LADY!!!

So I tried to read the meter again, but got confused and I was kind of shaky and nervous over all that red ink and so my bill looks like this…

It’s all messed up and I still don’t know what numbers to write down.  And you know what – who cares?

When it came time to choose a stamp for the mean people at the rural water district I had pick either the ugly brown liberty bell stamp or the pretty flower stamp.

That’s what you get mean rural water district people.  Ugly bell stamp for you!
That ought to show them!

Mr. Darcy

March 4th, 2008

I was going to write something very astute and erudite today like I usually do, but I found myself hesitating. Unable to go on… There was a wall… A stone wall in my way… Blocking my path… I couldn’t seem to get past it.

Finally I realized that “the wall” was really fear. A deep seeded, stomach searing fear that I had not fulfilled my obligation to my readers. I had not taken my responsibility as a blogger seriously and as a result, I had basically left you limping along somewhere on a street in Kajurkistan with a torn robe, shredded sandals and only a few shekels in your pocket to buy cheap chotchkes at the local market stall.

I don’t even begin to know how to apologize for my inadequacies. But I hope you will give me another chance. A second chance… to give you enough information to be truly informed, so that you can live a fuller life and make better decisions.

So let’s attack this subject again shall we?

And this time – let’s get it right.

Let’s cover this subject completely…

(It’s coffee by the way)

Let’s examine every angle…
Let’s allow ourselves to marinate.

Perhaps…we should sleep on it???

So there won’t be any holes.


Let’s give it our all.

Go the distance.

Yes… I am starting to feel better.

But there is still much more work to do…




But I will do it!

I have to do EVERYTHING!

The burden!!!

The overwhelming, cumbersome, weighty, staggering,

heavy, tedious, crushing…


Peace out.


Subway Tile Patterns

March 3rd, 2008

I recently spent some time trying to find a tile pattern for the master bath shower. Here are a few things to consider before laying out your tile pattern.

First, I think it is important to be dizzy from hunger and also to be panicky because the tile guy is due to show up any minute.

It is always good to have the phone ring every four seconds and the children fighting with each other in the background.

I would also highly suggest working in a muggy hot room with a horsefly buzzing around your ears and to have a massive mountain of un-folded laundry in direct view.

These are the only circumstances under which tile should ever be laid out. Anything less is just not going to satisfy in the long run.

After I found a pattern I liked, I moved on to the main floor bathroom tub/shower tile layout.

Same hunger pangs, same children fighting, same phone ringing, same time crunch panic, different horsefly.

I am using subway tile in the main floor bath. Because I love subway tile.

Subway tile is my ideal life mate.

Its simplicity, its classic good looks, its quiet presence. We were meant to be together.

I picked out a bunch of trim pieces to try and dress the subway tile up.

But the subway tile resented the fact that I was trying to change him. The subway tile wanted me to accept him for who he was. The subway tile wanted to make it clear that he was never false with me, he never lied. He is just who he said he was, and I might have to learn to live with it.

So I started crying and said,” I was sorry and that I lost my head and he is so right and I am so wrong and I hope you can forgive me!”

Then the subway tile let out a deep sigh and said, ” dear, dear, never mind.” Then he said, “I guess I don’t really mind the blue stripe and a little of that crown…but THAT IS IT!!”. And we are both very happy with the results.