Browsing Archives for Books & Letters

Every month I wait on pins and needles
for the latest edition of my KTAG newsletter.

Which comes enclosed with my KTAG statement
which is this little device on my car that gets me through
the toll booth on the interstate.

As you can see from the above examples, the articles are always extremely enlightening and helpful. After reading my KTAG newsletter cover to cover, I can’t help but celebrate my state government for using my hard earned tax dollars to fund such worthwhile publications….

Oh dear! It appears I have also received
a new rural water bill instruction pamphlet!

Maybe they made this one easier to understand!

I think this page clearly needs a few more directional arrows.

As well as about five more overlapping boxes to
signify the extra important information.

But at least they will only be checking up on my inability
to apply these crazy-ass instructions once a year.

CDW – Hello sir, welcome to the Garden Center. Can I help you find something?

Customer – I need to find something for grubs.

CDW – Oh dear no…would you like to see our container plants?

Customer – What?

CDW – Maybe I can help you find a nice flowering shrub?

Customer – I said grubs…not shrubs… grubs.

CDW – Yes, we have some very beautiful shrubs they are just right out back. The almonds are bursting with gorgeous pink blossoms!

Customer – I um…actually, I was looking for something to control the grubs… in my yard.

CDW – Do you like petunias?

Customer – Petunias?

CDW – Yes, Petunias! We have several varieties and enough colors to make your head spin. I am partial to the tidal wave variety

Customer – Do they help with grubs?

CDW – Yes they do!

Customer – Really? How?

CDW – Well, you plant a nice bed of petunias to look at and then you don’t notice your grub infested lawn so much anymore!

Customer – Is there anyone else I can talk to?

CDW – Um no… everyone seems to be busy at the moment.

Customer – Can you just point me to your lawn chemicals!

CDW – No problem – they are right over there.

Customer – Can you show me where the grub control is in the chemicals?

CDW – Um… well…. it’s just that um… you see, I seem to have a condition.

Customer – What?

CDW – You see we have training every Monday night and we learn all sorts of garden know-how and I have learned a lot about trees and shrubs and flowers and how to work a cash register, but every time the words “grub” or “aphid” or “scale” or “mealy worms” or “maggot” or well…you get the idea… my eyes roll back into my skull and a clear fluid starts leaking from my ears, and my mind sort of drifts off to a much happier place full of waving grasses and bright sunny blossoms and tall majestic trees and containers! Yes! Containers full of elegant trailing blooms and tall spiky plumes and bright cheery flowers. Don’t you just love containers!

Customer – Uh…

CDW – Anyway… and I just can’t seem to stay with the whole grub thing. I wake up a few minutes later when we are talking about trees again. Could I interest you in a Capitol Flowering Pear?

Customer – I am just going to look around.

CDW – They are a beautiful tree and even though they are called a pear they actually do not have fruit…just nice clusters of white flowers…

Customer – Thanks…

CDW – You’re welcome.

Customer – Listen to me carefully… I am going to walk away from you now… and I don’t want you to follow me.

CDW – No problem sir. Glad I could be of help!

Time to pay the water bill again!

And this time I was ready for the challenge!
Until  I looked outside and it was nothing but rain, rain, and more rain.

You know what that means don’t you?
I am once again going to disappoint and enrage the local rural water district red- ink- pen- gone – wild- lady with my unwillingness to hike out to my water meter, yank off the heavy metal lid, wrestle out the spider encrusted insulator and fail to understand what all those numbers mean and how I am supposed to write them down.
So I set aside the water bill until one of my boys was around… so I could send HIM out in the rain and  I moved on to the cell phone bill…

Which is a whole OTHER tragedy.
Because I lost the envelope that goes with the cell phone bill.  Which means I was going to have to HAND-WRITE the address for the cell phone company which was going to take FOREVER and require more concentration and attention to detail than I have ever been capable of handling.
To avoid having to HAND WRITE the cell phone company’s address, I found an old envelope with a hole in approximately the right place, but not quite.
See – the address is too far down…  So I worked another one of my crafty miracles, and I taped the bill in place so it wouldn’t slip past the window.

Then I got to thinking about how the person opening this envelope might get a tad irritated that the bill is taped in place, and hard to remove, so I decided to try and make that person feel better about it…

But then I thought that maybe…just maybe… the smiley face might further enrage the person opening the envelope, and struggling to remove it, so I decided  I would cheer him/her up with  a pretty flower stamp which I only give to the most deserving of bill recipients.

But all I had left were…

Ugly liberty bells.

Never Fear – I  found a way to make it better!

Surely now the envelope-opener person will know I meant no harm.

They will also have other thoughts about me too.

But let’s not think about that.