Wild Cat Attack on Pie Near’s Ranch!

April 14th, 2011

Hi Everyone!

It’s Me!

Pie Near Woman!

Do you like my outfit!

Isn’t it beautiful!

I got it on Ebay!

Sometimes I like to wear outfits like this one to remind Marlboro Man that I am a woman…

And not just a pale, jiggly body permanently attached to a laptop computer!

It usually does the trick!

But in order to turn this trick, I had to go in search of MM.

And on our massively huge ranch, that is not always easy.

It could be days!

Months!

Years!

I better pack some provisions!

After what seemed like decades of searching, I finally located him on the lower upper eastern west forty of the baby back acreace.

He was out shelling lambs.

I waved him over.

“Honey!  Honey come here!  Mama’s got something special for you!”

As he rode his horse over to me, I strategically let my coat fall off one shoulder.

Girls…

It works every time.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded. “And why are you dressed like a saloon girl from a bad western!  Put your coat back on before the cowboys see you!”

I love it when MM is shocked by my behavior.


He grabbed my coat and tried to cover me up…

And suddenly…

Just like clock work…

Marlboro Man and I were having a moment!

Our lives flashed before our eyes!

We were young and viral and full of our parent’s money!

We were about to exhibit the behavior of a too long caged up bull and a steer in heat!

But then!

Out of nowhere!

The deafening thunder of wild horse hooves pounded past us in a cloud of dirt, debris and dark swirling hair!

“What was that?” I exclaimed.

“It’s Tia Juana!”  Marlboro Man explained.  “She is riding one of the wild mustangs again!”


“That’s impossible!”  I gasped. “Tia is at home polishing my luggage in the basement!”

“No she’s not.  She’s been helping me to care for the wild mustangs.”

“What?!?”  I exclaimed.  “Helping you?  Why do you need Tia to help YOU?!?”

“I don’t have time to explain it all right now,” MM said, “I have to go and get her!  She is heading into wild cat territory!”

“Wild cat territory!  No!  Don’t leave me here by myself!”  I screamed clinging to the fringe on his Armani suede vest.  “Tia is an illegal!  She is used to crossing dangerous territory under pain of death!  Stay with me Marlboro Man!  Protect me!  Cover me up with my coat again!  Please!  Please don’t go!”

“Are you crazy!”  MM said.  “She could be killed!”

And then Marlboro Man pushed past me, knocking me flat onto the moist grassy pasture.  I began to shiver and moan and whimper as the cold damp earth rapidly seeped through my tutu and into my fishnet stockings.  Little weeplets began to form in the corner of my eyes.  “Don’t let it be an ugly cry.”  I chastised myself.  “Keep yourself together Pie Near.  You want to make him feel bad, but you don’t want to look bad at the same time!”

But MM wasn’t thinking of me as he ran towards the galloping horse.

His only thought was for the safety of his domestic illegal Native American.

“Tia!  Tia!  TIA!!!!”  He cried.

Tia glanced back at him, but she did not slow down.

She just kept riding!

Straight into the jaws of danger!

“Let her die.  Let her die.  Let her die.”  I fervently prayed. I have no idea why I prayed that.  I love Tia.  I love her more n’ my luggage, but sometimes I just want to break her little neck!  I guess it’s just the stress of being a world famous blogger.  Just keepin’ it real folks.

In the meantime, Marlboro Man was slowly closing the gap!  He is a real fast runner.  He used to play highschool football and he went to ASU!


As I watched him run, my eyes lingered on his fine backside.  The way the muscle clung to his bone.  I wondered if he was well marbled.  No.  He’d probably be tough and rangy, but maybe if I marinated him overnight in a six pack of Dr. Pepper…

As I was lying there in the grass dreaming of a delicious rump roast for dinner, Chief Big Lotto rode up to ask me what was going on.

Chief Big Lotto is Tia Juana’s uncle.

He rides the range.

He speaks the tongue of the Wind Mother.

He listens with the ears of the Great One.

“Tia Juana has crossed into wild cat territory and Marlboro Man is trying to save her!”  I explained.

“Marlboro Man must follow the dreams of the ancestors.”  Chief Lotto intoned.

“What?  What does that mean?”  I questioned.

“Marlboro Man will taste the dust of the stars and the bitter root of many broken ram horns.”

“Huh?  What?  Are you giving a prophecy?”  I asked. ” I don’t understand what you are saying.  Me speaky white woman from golf course land.  You speaky illegal Native from Osage land.  You go talky talky, but me no understandy.  Talky talky, helpy, helpy.  Me no speaky you illegal tongue”

After I tried to explain myself, Chief Lotto stared at me for a long time and then he threw me over the back of his horse like a sack of grain.

“We must travel into the seven winds until the crowned serpent shows herself in the stars.” he whispered.

“Uh Chief…” I said, “I have to get back to the lodge and photograph myself making some cupcakes.  Can you put me down please?”

“My people don’t eat the devil cupcake.  It takes our strength and leaves us scarred and pitted with viper fang.”

“Oh… Okay… I could totally make some jelly donuts instead.”

But Chief Big Lotto had turned his attention back to the horizon where MM was trying to rescue Tia Juana!


And that’s when the first wild cat jumped out of nowhere!

She eyeballed Tia for several seconds but when she saw MM she darted away.

But the second cat was a different story.  He was not deterred by the speed nor the gluteal structure of MM.  Instead he sped right by him and headed straight to Chief Big Lotto and ME!

“Help!”

“HELP!”  I screamed.

The big cat sniffed my stockings and then reeled backwards and stumbled straight towards Tia Juana!

Marlboro Man was almost there!

But he was too late!

The big cat swiped Tia off her horse with it’s huge claws and pinned her to the ground!

Clasping her by the neck in his iron jaws of death, the big cat began to suck the very life from her!

And then… just like that… the big cat disappeared.

And Marlboro Man ran to Tia Juana to see if she was still alive!

Gently he scooped her off the ground.

Are you alright?  He asked looking her over for any injuries.

“I am fine”.  Tia said.  “Just a little bruised and embarrassed”.

“Embarrassed? What are you embarrassed about?” MM asked as he gently sat Tia Juana down.

“I should know better than to ride into wild cat territory.  I grew up on this ranch.  I know these lands better than anyone!  I feel like such a fool.”

“You are the least foolish person on this ranch!”  Marlboro Man said.  “No one understands the flora and the fauna and the wild critters the way you do!  No one speaks to them the way you do.  By the way, what did you tell that wild cat to make it go away?”

“I just whispered the critter love words of my ancestors.  You know the language too.  I taught it to you when we were kids!”

“Ah Tia.  You know those were just silly games we played.  I don’t even know what I was saying just now.  It’s like I was under a temporary magic spell from seeing you almost killed. There’s no such thing as magic animal languages!”

“But we used to talk to the animals all the time!  Remember?  Braaaaaay hosher hosher hosher Braaaaaay hosher hosher miaow whoof whoof Braaaaaay mooooo!”

For a brief moment MM’s eyes lit up with a fire of long lost understanding.  “Did you just say the donkey is on the roof?” He asked.

“Yes!  I knew you remembered!  I knew it”  Tia yelped. “You can still speak magic animal!  Somewhere deep inside of you MM there is still a man who loves the Wind Mother and cares for her offspring!”

“Oh Tia…”  MM said.  “That was a long time ago. Things have changed…”

“What do you mean?”  asked Tia.

“I mean this…” MM said as he leaned in and brushed some dirt off of Tia’s jugular vein.

“This… where your neck connects to your chest and you blood supply moves from your heart to your brain.  You are the connection Tia.  The missing piece.  You always have been.

But Tia backed away from MM.  A look of hurt and confusion swam in her large brown eyes.

“I have to go now.”  Tia said…

Tia mounted the wild mustang who had been waiting patiently for her.  “When we were children we ran amok on these lands like two thistle bushes pushed by Mother Wind.  You must try and remember.  Remember the olden ways.  The ways of my people.  The ways of OUR people.  That’s the real missing piece.”

And then she turned to go…

MM watched her ride away.

She was a part of this land like no other person he had ever met.

A part of the land…

A part of his ranch…

And a part of his heart…

To be continued…

Comments

  • Hilarious!!!!!!!

  • JennyME:

    Shelling lambs? Suede Armani vest? I cackled. Great post!

  • TXAggies:

    The truth has been revealed … MM of the Armani suede vest and the earring (I swear I saw an earring ?!) has secretly been in love with Tia Juana, ever since their happy childhood days on the ranch …

    He was forbidden by his family to have any future with Tia Juana, since she was an Indian and he from a wealthy OK family dynasty, so they pushed their love into the recesses of their very souls … but now it looks as if the flames may have been reignited … !!

    Stay tuned for more of As The Ranch Burns …

    Great job as always, Rechelle !!

    • Lgirl:

      A bit like West Side Story!LOL

  • Debbie:

    I laughed and laughed and then I laughed some more. Brilliant. If Ree would have had only 1/4 of your writing skills … she’d probably die a happy woman.

    I’d give my right arm to see you photograph all this.

  • Wee Wee:

    My God that was good.

  • Isabelle:

    Brilliant!
    And the cats are beautiful!

  • Jo:

    Pure brilliance! You are so inspired to come up with these scenarios. Particularly liked the gazing into each other’s eyes photo. MM will be wishing there really was a Tia Juana.

  • Monica:

    “Illegal Native”! Coffee just exited my nose.

  • ameliajake:

    I just caught myself singing “Running Bear” . . . I’ll probably be doing it all day.

  • Sharon:

    Loved it!! I about spewed water on my screen when I saw Tia Juana.

  • Mo:

    I always thought Tia Juana would be older and possibly half-blind and hunched over from years of backbreaking hard work and sleeping on cold stone floors. But she is a hot young chippy! Who speaks the secret animal language of her ancestors! So so sexy.

    Will part two have a PNW vs. Tia Juana showdown, possibly in mud or jello? Will PNW lie cheat steal connive and manipulate, Dynasty-style, in order to keep her man? CANNOT WAIT!!!

    • Rechelle:

      Mo – You seem to be channeling Pie Near Woman better than I am.

  • Tami:

    Bravo!!!

    Just a wonder…. How close do you neighbors live?

  • Amy:

    Wow Rochelle, pure brilliance in both photo and prose. Armani fringed vest, Tia Juana polishing the beloved luggage…every sentence was better than the first. And the cats were AWESOME. Keep going, don’t leave us hanging!

  • Sue:

    Hilarious, again!!! What is with MM wearing an earring? Also, loved the cat action! Too funny!

    • Rechelle:

      The earring is problematic and yet – since MM is an ASU grad from the early 90′s, I think the earring kind of works.

  • Martha MC (EzGrandma in OK):

    What Amy said … pure brilliance in both photo and prose. And the cats … OMG … I just don’t have the words to adequately express my appreciation. I would love to come to one of your photo shoots!

  • km:

    The Pocohantas song is in my head

  • poppy:

    This Harlequin Romance is pure BRILLIANCE!

  • Reeformed Addict:

    Ahhh, a sort of Black Heels to Tractor Wheels! Are you going to hold a contest to name the story too? I’ve often wondered if whoever won that contest is getting any sort of compensation nowadays, and if they would like some sort of compensation. I figure it’s only a matter of time before PW starts seeing the lawsuits that other “big time bloggers” have seen.

  • Hilarious! And the show-cats almost stole the show! You manage to outdo yourself every time. What’s wrong with MM’s neck, btw?

    • Rechelle:

      MM’s head has been switched around to his son’s body one too many times. New MM on the way.

  • susan:

    “lower upper eatern west forty BABY BACK acreage”!!!!!!! Can there be any more oxymorons??? Wait…..”domestic illegal Native American”. OMG…there are so many facets of this post that have be rolling Rechelle. And…I am at work and have to be careful of not snorting too loud. Not easy I must say.

  • susan:

    OH – and how about MM’s hands groping PNW’s breasts????? PRICELESS!!!

  • I heard that Reese Witherspoon wants the part of Tia now.

    • Anon.:

      That’s hilarious!

  • Trudy:

    I’ve always heard that herding cats was hard…but oh, the mastery of the giant beasts!!!

    Again….another brilliant episode!!!!

  • I forgot to mention MM’s striking highlight job on his hair! I can almost picture PNW gettin’ down and dirty with a Frost N Tip cap on his head!

  • I’m so sorry Rechelle I just can not read this post. After seeing Pie Near Woman’s outfit, I am deep in the throes of a flashback to my Studio 54 days and I may not be back for a while.

  • susan:

    i know…me talky talky too much in this post but i would LOVE to know how you “persuaded” your show cat to devour Tia. Catnip? Tuna? I also know this is rhetorical but wonder how long your were on your tummy in the brush taking photos. just wonderin’………..

    • Rechelle:

      The cats attacked on their own volition. In fact, I spent a lot of time shooing them away and then finally I just decided to go with it.

      I was photographing the dolls for about an hour. I had a different story in mind until the near fatal cat attack happened. Now I don’t even remember what the original story line was. I know I wanted to introduce the characters of Tia Juana and Chief Big Lotto into the storyline and I knew there was going to be a love triangle, but I didn’t know there was going to be real live wild animals involved.

  • km:

    You see, all that puppeteering when you were young is coming in handy now :)

    • Rechelle:

      For the first time in my life I am realizing that my puppetry past is actually beneficial.

  • REEflux:

    BRAVO!!!!!!!

    I can’t stand it…I’m paralyzed by laughter!!!!!!!!!

    And, what, may I ask, happened to MM’s neck? It seems his head has been, er, uh, REEmoved!

    • Rechelle:

      MM is suffering from having his head photo chopped onto his offspring one too many times. Evidently there is a limit to how many times you can head switch a Ken doll. Never fear – I found another MM on Ebay and hopefully he will arrive in time for a trip to Kate and William’s wedding!

  • Emily:

    OMG, the cats. Bwahahahaha…

  • poppy:

    Holy Shit, Rechelle! I just found out James Garner is part Cherokee! The irony!

    • Gary Coleman's Ghost:

      Like!

  • Lisa:

    I just saw on FB that Ree is getting her own show on the Food Network. Has anybody checked to make sure Rechelle’s head hasn’t exploded?

  • It’s rare that someone can consistently keep a high level of humor going in things like this, but I have to say this ranks right up there with my favorite in PNWT (that’s Pie Near Woman Theater, for those unfamiliar with the acronym). Well done, and this is so much more interesting than that tripe served up be Ree in her “love” story.

    Also, as an aside, has everyone seen this debacle? http://www.broadcastingcable.com/article/466755-Food_Network_Cooking_Channel_To_Debut_20_New_Series.php

    Third paragraph, and has not only mentioned Ree, but Trisha as well!

  • Shay in NZ:

    I am in awe of your brilliance! Loved it Rechelle.

    And as for the cooking programme. Sigh.

  • Shay in NZ:

    Dear Rechelle,

    I have a problem I’ve only just recognised:

    I now find myself scrolling thru PW’s comments from her sheeple until I find that loony Nezzy from the flamin’ Ponderosa.

    Help me Rhonda.

    Truly Worried in NZ

  • Anon.:

    Brilliant! This is probably my favorite episode of PNWT so far!!!

  • OMG This is so hilarious. I love it.

    I am new to your site and so glad to learn I am not the only one not in love with Ree. I saw this today on BlogHer http://www.blogher.com/exclusive-ree-drummond-her-pioneer-woman-food-network-show

    Interesting to say the least . . .

  • Marie:

    I’m pretty neutral on PW…and even though I am a liberal Christian (yes, there are such creatures), I’d much rather read Rechelle’s posts on atheism, religion, life in general, etc, than PW cartoons.

  • susan:

    i HAD to start my work day reading this again Rechelle. when you referred to animal talk with Tia and MM and deciphered what she said this hilarious ad went through my head. I love it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWnX8i9–UQ

  • kimm:

    The BEST ever!

  • Nanc in Ashland:

    FYI–the earring is because MM is being played by Earring Magic Ken, EMK was supposed to be the hip, happenin’ Ken of the early 90s. All my gay neighbors immediately recognized Ken was taking his first tentative steps out of the closet and through their economic support behind him by taking their EMK dolls to a San Francisco store that created fabulous and customized outfits for Barbie, Ken, GI Joe and other action figures. I can’t remember the name of the store but I remember walking by the window and seeing the absolutely stunning display. More details in Wikipedia’s Earring Magic Ken entry!

  • sheila z:

    You’ve outdone yourself on this one. The cat attack was extra special. The Food Network show will give you much fodder for more great Pie Near posts in the future. I look forward to them!

  • Lili:

    Brilliant and funny. Recent lurker outing herself to say thanks for all your usually funny and always thought provoking posts.

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