Pie Near Woman Congratulates Will and Kate and Recommends Some Fabulous Pants!

April 29th, 2011

Hi everyone!

It’s me!

Pie Near Woman!

Today – in honor of the royal wedding, I am channeling Kate Middleton!


Make that Katherine the Great!

Congrats to the Royal Couple!

May you sire a thousand royal babies together!

And may they look just like Kate…

And maybe Princess Diana…

And possibly William prior to his hair loss…

But please don’t let them look like William’s dad!

Hey Kate!

This is my Prince Charming!

Isn’t he beautiful!

We sired a bunch of babies too and one of them looks just like him!

Isn’t he darling!


And by the way Kate and Will…

If you are looking for a good deal on pants – this is your lucky day!

Enter Paco.

Paco is my new illegal.

He tends my garden.

And he also models my new favorite pants.

Please note that he is neither high nor wasted.

And neither are his pants.

I got these pants at Talbott’s.

And no, I don’t normally shop at Talbott’s because hello!

Significant lack of $300.00 flowy tops!

But then I thought – what about my readers?

They can’t all be billionaires can they?!?

That would be impossible!

Some of them might even be poor!

And where do poor people shop?


So I decided to go there and see how the poor half lives.

It was so sad!

I felt so helpless!

I only wish I could do something!

In the mean time… back at the ranch… Marlboro Man and Paco have really hit it off.

MM loves dusky, husky outdoorsy men.

Who have beautiful forearms…

And finely hewn abs.

And firm delectable haunches…

And strong foreign accents…

And moustaches…




Hey you guys!


Marlboro Man!

I am right here!

I can totally see you!

I am not even partially obscured or anything!

I’m the red head standing in the WIDE OPEN FIELD in MY WEDDING DRESS!


Enter Tia Juana!

She is also not wasted nor high and neither are her pants!

Here we go again!


Marriage is so full of foibles sometimes!

I hope Princess Kate is strong enough to bear it!

I really just wanted you guys to see how beautiful I am in my wedding dress.

I know.


Perpetually wasted and propitiously high,

Princess Pie Near


  • Char:

    Rechelle you are already so very creatively talented in creative writing. I am a lurker, love your site, love your writing. Many laugh out loud moments have come my way from reading your work. Love the wedding dress, PNW is beautiful in oh so many ways.

  • It’s the Basset Hounds that make this perfect!

  • Congrats on your grad school gig. With your talent, KSU should hire you to teach their creative writing classes.

    Another hilarious pie near woman adventure. Where do you get the props for these posts? The bassett hounds, Paco, Tia Juana and my favorites, the interchangeable heads.

    • Rechelle:

      Ebay is my lover.

      • poppy:

        Here I am wondering if I should pack up my vintage Fisher Price Little People Farm set and ship it to Kansas.

  • Jennine:

    Holy balls… you had me at Paco’s six pack abs.

  • poppy:

    MM is really rockin’ the red scarf. It’s kinda flowy. I hope Princess Pie Near will provide us with a photo essay on Paco’s Taco. Brokeback cowboys everywhere will be clamoring for a bite! God save the Queens! I have a feeling Pie Near’s garden will produce some GIANT zucchinis this year. Her real, live Mexican great uncle, Luchan, will be so impressed with the juicy cucumber harvest. Plus, cilantro is her life. It’s a win-win for everyone! Yay!

  • Linda:

    Poor Paco has no boots.

  • Marie:

    I can’t stand it, you got me this time. Thought I was going to die laughing, “neither high nor wasted”. Hysterical. Those grad school people are right on, creative writing seems like where you should be.

  • dimples too:

    I love funny! This is beyond funny! You’re our hero, you know!

  • GA in GA:

    OMG! I am poor??? Just because I shop at Talbotts?!?


    BTW, they do occasionally have somewhat flowy tops at Talbotts. But they do not cost $300.

  • TXAggies:

    HAH Love it !!!! Love those Paco abs !! and I didn’t know I was “poor people” either … cuz I shop at Talbot’s some, and Coldwater Creek, and Ann Taylor Loft, and even gasp … yes it’s true, sadly … at Macy’s and JC Penneys !!!
    oh, the horrors we “poor people” must endure … so glad Pie Near Woman doesn’t have to suffer these same retail indiginities

    • TXAggies:

      oops I mean indignities … must … use … spell check

  • Penny:

    Oh wow….I checked your blog to see if a new post was up BEFORE going to the bathroom. BAD IDEA as I was laughing so hard I nearly had an accident!!! Note to self…..use bathroom before checking out Pie Near Woman’s blog!

  • Stella:

    hahaha, love it.
    Love the whole MM and Paco thing too……….I always wondered about that guy………seriously, who wears chaps all the time, unless you’re a member of the Village People.

    I have to say, PNW’s dress was quite lovely!!!


  • Kait:

    We have half the village people now. When are the cops going to show up? Guess you have to get Princess Pie Near a little car and have her speed down the gravel road.