Pie Near Woman and How to Slice an Onion

April 5th, 2011

Hi Ya’ll!

It’s me!

The Pie Near Woman!

Today – I was going to make a rich ranch dip (inspired by my own rich ranch dip -  ha ha!) but then I thought WAIT A MINUTE!

Do you people even know how to slice an onion?

Help me Rhonda!

You probably don’t!

So I decided I better show you because if I don’t, how will you ever figure it out???

Can you guess which one of these tools you will need to slice an onion?

Take your time!

Did you guess the garlic press?

That’s a good guess!

But wrong!

Did you guess the medicine dispenser?

Lawsie Mercie!

So close!

But also wrong!

Did you guess the knife?

You are right!

I knew you could do it!

The first thing you want to do when slicing an onion is to remove the outer skin.

The skin is the yellow part on the outside of the onion.

Except on some onions the skin is white…

And on some onions the skin is red…

Just like people!

I know!  I know!

It’s very confusing!

Just try and stay with me okay?

We are almost there!!!!

After you remove the onion skin, slice the onion in half and lay the two halves on your chest.

This is called an onion poultice.

It’s an old timey remedy that will make you feel extra wholesome and full of the pioneer spirit!

Garnish your onion halves with some juicy, succulent olives!

Help me Rhonda!

Don’t my onions look so delicious!

Aren’t you absolutely drooling?

Can an onion make a hiney tingle?

Because mine sure is!

Use your onions however you like at this point!

Throw them in the face of a hungry cowboy.

Satiate a pack of wild punks.

Nurture your growing herd of basset hounds.

Trust me!  They spice up everything!

And your family and friends will savor every bite!

Bye Bye!

Pie Pie!


  • Stella:

    Wish my onions were that firm and perky!!!


  • Linda:

    I’m so glad you didn’t slice your finger nail bed off. lol
    Were your onions lactating?

  • susan:

    aaaahhh Rechelle…noticed an infant spoon in your display of kitchen tools! I have 2 in my kitchen drawer at home that go back over 30 years.

  • slh:

    This is so much help, I knew ther was a faster way to get’er done………..to funny. Rechelle you are over the top, I think you just hit a home run. LMFAO

  • Michelle in TN:

    I was just wondering since I am new to your site but it seems to me that you have a problem with the pioneer woman. Is it true that you visited her ranch and had lice at the time but did not tell anyone? Please tell me that this is not true. Not sure what to think about that.

    • A problem? In what way Michelle?

      Is it a “problem” when a blogger doesn’t bow down and worship an imposter? In this case that would be Ree Drummond who uses the Internet to perpetrate a charade on the gullible?

  • Kris:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Hilarious! You are a creative genius!!

  • annmarie:

    OMG! On top of this being hilarious, my four year caught a glimpse of it and ran over to see. She was so thrilled to see this. She kept saying “what’s on Barbie’s boobies” and I cannot stop laughing right now. Funny post!

  • Lisa:

    OK, I’m on the record as not being a fan of Pie Near Woman, but I’ve got to hand it to you. The crocheted dress (which brings to mind the “cozy” my Granny used to camouflage the spare toilet paper roll) coupled with the orange boots? An instant classic. Bravo!

  • dimples too:

    The funniest post that I have ever read. You are a born comedian.
    I’m your fan, along with many others. I’ll laugh now when I clean an onion. Just wish you could quit your job and do this full time. God knows there’s enough material! Take care!

  • That was *hilarious.* I really hope these are going to end up in a book someday.

  • Actually, I was going to guess the can opener. You are too funny Rechelle. Love Pie Near Woman’s new spring look.

  • Shay in NZ:

    Lawsie mercy, the tears are running down my face from this.
    Darn onions.

  • Kay in KCMO:

    “Just like people.” I lost it at that point.

  • Haha! That crocheted dress is super swell!

    I thought maybe the whisk on the left might do the trick with the egg.

    Funny thing about the word “whisk.” Anybody here ever watch the PBS series Frontier House? AWESOME, in so many ways. But there’s a particular scene where one of th women talks about her “wHisk” (heave, very heavy on the H).

  • Mo:

    Well I just died and am dead over the fabulousness. I would have never in a million years thought to pair purple tights with orange boots under a repurposed tank-top toilet paper cozy.

    And what good are big firm generous onions if you don’t share them with the world? It’s “Come to Mama!” for all who see her — children, spouse, brother-in-law, and gun-toting house guests alike.

  • Spinny:

    I grew soooo tired of PW posting about the only correct way to dice an onion. Yes, PW, we’ve all seen the Food Network and we’ve all seen the “correct” way to dice an onion.

    I still don’t dice onions “correctly”. I’ll venture a guess that nobody cares that my onions aren’t diced according to specifications.

  • [...]  Note:  And if you’re daunted by chopping onions, read Rechelle’s excellent in-depth tutorial. [...]

  • How did I miss this? Herd of Basset Hounds got to me.

  • OMFG That’s hilarious!

  • Lily:

    freakin priceless!