Browsing Archives for April 2011

Once upon a time…

In a galaxy far, far away…

Three notable Christian gurus were brought together under the lofty banner of


(Vention, Vention, Vention….)

Guru number one was Susan Wise Bauer, author of the Well Trained Mind a book that continues to inspire even the most simple minded of women to believe they should take their kids out of school and teach them at home.

Guru number two was Peter Enns, a learned biblical scholar who does not need a historical Adam to believe in a historical Jesus just because the historical Paul said he had to.

And Guru number three was Ken Ham.  A modern day Old Testament Prophet with a ferocious and fiery fixation on the literal interpretation of the first few chapters of the book of Genesis.  As well as everything else in the bible except for that part about the death penalty for disobedient children – but only because it is currently against the law and Jesus said that whole thing about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s which translated means obey your government even if it doesn’t let you kill your willful children.

Fortunately, the GREAT HOMESCHOOL CONVENTION (Vention, Vention, Vention) has a board of directors that is uniformly comprised of young earth creationists.


That was a close one!

For those of you lacking in a proper evangelical, fundamentalist, literal bible believing background – a young earth creationist is a person who has added up the amount of time it took to get from the heavenly perfection of Adam and Eve to the worldly ruin of Adam and Steve and this equals approximately 6000 years.

Therefore the earth can only be 6000 years old – because that is what the bible adds up to!  NEVERMIND the poor addle brained geology professors and their strata of sediment reading graduate students who have determined that the earth is millions of years older than that!  And NEVERMIND layers of rock that depict eons of critter life before any evidence of man shows up and NEVERMIND the findings of ancient civilizations that clearly pre-date 6000 BC!  We are talking about the BIBLE HERE PEOPLE!  And if the bible adds up to the earth being 6000 years old than it is 6000 FUCKING YEARS OLD!

Moving on!

The only problem is that Peter Enns fails to accept the Adam and Eve to Adam and Steve mathematical Genesis formula.

And worse!  He willfully and openly belongs to a heretical group of ‘so called believers’ known as BioLogos, an organization that makes a pathetic attempt to make the bible say that evolution is perfectly okay and that the earth is waaaaaaaay older than the biblical age of 6000 years.

Yeah right!

Like that one time in the Gospel of Matthew where the disciples all sit around talking about fossils and carbon dating and survival of the fittest.  I don’t think so BioLogos!  So the only question is – What the hell was the apostate Peter Enns doing at the Great Homeschool Convention?

Well I can certainly tell you that he was not there to participate in a group hug with Ken Ham and Susan Wise Bauer.

What you see in the above photo is pure myth.

Just like the myth of there never being a world wide flood that covered the tippy tops of all the mountains.

Because there was one.

Because the bible says so dammit!

What do I have to do to get through to you people!?!?!?!

And why is Susan Wise Bauer even attempting to speak to Ken Ham?  Does she not understand that it is her God given duty as a submissive female to remain silent?

Perhaps if she is lucky, she will be preserved through the bearing of children.

And why does she not have a veil upon her head?

Is this woman completely unfamiliar with biblical instruction?

And as for Peter Enns!

He is none other than the devil wrapped in an arrogant loin cloth of bad science and indecipherable theology.

For Chrissake!

He doesn’t even think that Adam was a real person!

What about Eve, Peter!

Was Eve a fake person too?

And Cain?

And Abel?

And what about the gigantic angel Nephilim people Peter?!?!?

I suppose they are just figments of the bible’s imagination too?!?!?

I am afraid that I must knee you in the groin again and again Peter.

To show you how much I love you in Jesus name.

And to keep your quiver from increasing.

So that your arrows do not fly into a true believer’s womb and create an army of half breed heretics!

Your seed shall not poison the flock Peter!

It will end here

and NOW!

It is my duty as God’s humble servant, to place you in a headlock and stem the lies crawling out of your arrogant worm riddled mouth.

I must wrap you like a pretzel.

A pretzel for Jesus.

And then I will pour salt on your wounds for his namesake!

For I am God’s prophet Peter!

His mouthpiece.

His sweetmeats.

The juiciest of the bunch in His great grapes of wrath.

I drip with the holy succor of God’s annointing.

It matters not if I am kicked out of every convention for my unconventional behavior.

While the wolves devour the flock in my absence.

And spit out their bones to be gnawed on by the dogs under the table.

My enemies call me ungodly.

They say I am not a good neighbor.

But they have never lived next to God the way that I have.

They have never sat in the tent of the Most High.

And felt the sear upon their skin of the Holy One’s charcoal.

There is only one way to escape the char my beloved!

And that is to hate everyone who disagrees with you and to publicly denounce them in front of the entire congregation.

Until they weep blood and their very bones rattle for forgiveness.

And until they do, I will direct my faithful to purchase their homeschooling curriculum elsewhere.

Until their children’s ribs poke out from hunger and their houses fall in from disrepair!

For if you can’t beat them, you can at least cut off a hefty portion of their income stream.

Thus saith the Lord Your God!


Hi everyone!

It’s me!

Pie Near Woman!

In honor of being such a channeler of Helen Reddy, I am wearing a vintage 1970′s hand knit halter top with matching hat and bag!

Don’t I look great!

And guess what else!

It’s Michele Bachmann’s birthday today!

I love her!

I love her so much!

She is basically just like me.

It’s like we are Siamese twins with two different heads but the same body but also different bodies and born at different times from different mothers thirteen years apart but other than that we are in the same body at the same time sharing four lactating boobs and twenty five uteruses that have spawned eleven natural born children and twenty three unnatural born foster children!

I love Michele Bachmann so much!

I want to marry her!

And have babies with her!

In all of our uteruses!

And then she can nurse my babies and I can nurse her babies and we can nurse each other, but not in America – only in Canada.  Because Michele and I totally believe that gay marriage is a symbol of anti Americanism and if you want to be gay – that’s fine!  Just do it in another country!  And I am just joking about having babies with Michele because I am the least gay person you could ever meet except for when I am channeling Ethel Merman and photographing my husband’s ass.  Because when I do those two things I kind of feel like I am channeling a gay man, but then I remember that gay people can’t live in America so I must be channeling Helen Reddy instead.  Because Helen Reddy lives in Australia!

Oh my goodness!  I hate politics!  Ugh!  Except for Michele Bachmann who I totally love!  Why?  Because she is just like me!

She homeschooled her kids.

She is a world leader.

She is really, really pretty.

She’s so marketable to the religious right!

She’s all over the internet!

And she says the craziest shit you ever heard!

Yesterday Marlboro Man surprised me with a trip to Minnesota to hear Michele talk!

It was so amazing!

Here are some of my favorite Michele Bachmann quotes!

Happy Birthday Michele!

”[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said she has even said she is trying to save the planet.  We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.”

”Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful.  But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

”I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”

“During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.”

”We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.”

”There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”

”If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”

”I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?”

”I don’t know where they’re going to get all this money because we’re running out of rich people in this country.”

”Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

”This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.”

”And what a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”

After Michele was finished with her incredibly awesome speech, her husband stepped up to the microphone!

He said that since it was Michele’s birthday we should all give her $55.00 because that is a dollar for every year that Michele has been working her self to death by slitting her wrists and making blood oaths on behalf of real patriotic Americans.

Me and Marlboro Man stepped out of the crowd and gave her all the money we had on us which is a lot.

Because we are rich.

Two of the last rich people left in America!

I so hope she runs for PRESIDENT!!!!

So she can save us from extinction!

Here are some of the other people who were at Michele’s speech!  Lots of homeschoolers and thousands of babies!

I love babies!

I want to marry these babies!

And have babies with these babies!

After her speech, Michele invited me up on stage!

I was so excited!

Can you tell?

Can you tell how excited I was?!?

And my BFF from Oklahoma, the Senator’s Wife was there too!

Hi BFF Senator’s Wife!  I love you so much!  I would have babies with you too, but I am already having babies with Michele (in Canada only) and also with all the babies in Minnesota, so my uterus is kind of booked for a while.  But I still love you!  I love you more’n my luggage which is almost as good as wanting to have babies with you!

It was a dream like day!

And I didn’t want to EVER wake up!  So instead I decided to sing Michele a song for her birthday!  And since I was already channeling Helen Reddy in my 1970′s halter top with matching bag and hat, I decided to sing a Helen Reddy song!

A one!

A two!

A one, two, three, four!

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back and pretend

‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again!

Oh yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything!

I am strong (STRONG)
I am invincible (INVINCIBLE)
I am WOMAN!!!!!!!

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained

If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (STRONG)
I am invincible (INVINCIBLE)
I am WOMAN!!!!!!!

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin’ arms across the land

But I’m still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand!

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained

If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (STRONG)
I am invincible (INVINCIBLE)
I am woman!!!!!!!

It was a perfect day!

Goodbye Forever!

Pie Near

Over the past few days I have noticed an uptick in readers landing on a post I wrote about Susan Wise Bauer.  Bauer, as you may recall is the Christian homeschooling guru who wrote The Well Trained Mind.  Apparently Bauer’s influence reaches well beyond God’s most holy people – the Christian homeschoolers and into further outposts of Jewish and secular homeschooling populations as well.  She maintains a forum self labeled ‘the hive mind’ which sent notable numbers of traffic to this site when someone left a link on the forum to one of my early Pie Near Woman parodies.  Up until that point, I had never heard of The Well Trained Mind and it’s hive minded forum.

But the recent traffic that is landing on this site is not coming from the WTM forum.  Instead, these folks are seeking out information on Susan Wise Bauer.  I had to wonder why and after a brief google search I found out that there is currently some serious dissent among the ranks in the Christian homeschooling world.  I know!  SHOCKING!  And the topic at the epicenter of the present debate – is EVOLUTION and the BOOK OF GENESIS!

Evidently Susan Wise Bauer publishes not just her own Christianized versions of historical text books for bible believing homeschoolers, she also publishes some religious curriculum written by Peter Enns through an imprint of her Peace Hill Press publishing company called Olive Branch books. Peter Enns is the senior fellow of biblical studies for an organization headed by Francis Collins called BioLogos.  Francis Collins is the guy famous for decoding the human genome and for somehow being a devout Christian at the same time.  In other words – he is the rare super smart scientist who still believes in unicorn fairy dust.  So Enns is tight with Collins and that is impressive to a certain segment of Christians (the ones whose brains still work pretty good), but to those who are fearlessly unafraid to believe that the world was not only created by a male God with a penis in six days and then destroyed by a flood, except for six people and eleventeen twillion animals who all survived on a boat and then they got out of the boat and re-populated the entire world and then all those people got really super evil again so God had to come down to earth and impregnate a thirteen year old virgin with his God seed and then thirty three years later, he had to stand idly by while the resulting God seed child was nailed to two ‘morsels of wood’ died, put in a tomb, and then rose again, walked around for a while, saw a few old buddies and then flew up to heaven where he currently judges the quick and the dead and loves us so, so, SO much, but can’t quite bring himself to stop the FUCKING TSUNAMI FROM KILLING THOUSANDS OF JAPANESE AND CRACKING OPEN A NUCLEAR REACTOR.  But whatever Jesus!  You still the man!  You are still so totally awesome and I still totally fucking believe in you!



So Ken Ham pulls out his hammer of iron at a recent homeschooling conference and starts doing his best John Calvin imitation by slamming fellow conference speaker, Peter Enns for being such a non-literal Adam believer and for SO not believing in a world wide flood like Jesus totally said so!

And then Susan Wise Bauer was accused of getting her homeys together and kicking Ham’s ass out of the conference for not playing nice with the smart scientist Christian man and for scarily disrupting the sales of her Christian homeschooling merchandise by spreading a bunch of lies amongst her sheeple!  Although according to Susan, she had nothing to do with Ham’s dismissal.

And then Ham GETS BUSY and starts spewing his vitriol all over the freakin’ internet, drawing lines in the sand and rousing his people to back him and shun Bauer and Enns.

It’s kind of like a tsunami hit a nuclear reactor at the Christian Homeschooling Convention!

Holy (and I do mean HOLY) shit!

You can read a less profanity laced version at  Christianity Today

Here’s a link to BioLogos.

Here’s what Susan Wise Bauer has to say….

And here’s Ken Ham’s response…

As always – I am happy to be the crossroads between Christian homeschoolers and the correct interpretation of the Bible. It is my fondest wish that people would only come to see the real truth in scripture and live accordingly.  Off to spend the rest of the evening memorizing Ezekiel and Lamentations (my favorites!)!

Your faithful devout bible believin’ homeschool lovin’ servant,



I just visited the Well Trained Mind Forum to get the link and noted that the most traffic the forum has ever gotten was on March 23, 2011 – the very day that the Ken Ham/Peter Enns/Susan Wise Bauer story broke.

Also – It would appear that Ham is attempting a bit of ‘finance terrorism’ towards Bauer as he is currently and forcefully promoting homeschooling textbooks written by a biblical literalist on his facebook page.

I wonder how Bauer will respond?

I love how Christianity makes people so much better than the rest of us lowly sinful folk.  Don’t you?