Browsing Archives for April 2011

WAIT!!!! Come back! I thought I won the kitchen aid mixer!

Submitted by Maggee.

Maggee please email me at and we will settle up.

Everyone else who entered – thank you for the laughter that cracked open my rib cage as I read through them.  It was very hard to pick one – but it had to be done.

Hi Everyone!

It’s Me!

Pie Near Woman!

Do you like my outfit!

Isn’t it beautiful!

I got it on Ebay!

Sometimes I like to wear outfits like this one to remind Marlboro Man that I am a woman…

And not just a pale, jiggly body permanently attached to a laptop computer!

It usually does the trick!

But in order to turn this trick, I had to go in search of MM.

And on our massively huge ranch, that is not always easy.

It could be days!



I better pack some provisions!

After what seemed like decades of searching, I finally located him on the lower upper eastern west forty of the baby back acreace.

He was out shelling lambs.

I waved him over.

“Honey!  Honey come here!  Mama’s got something special for you!”

As he rode his horse over to me, I strategically let my coat fall off one shoulder.


It works every time.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded. “And why are you dressed like a saloon girl from a bad western!  Put your coat back on before the cowboys see you!”

I love it when MM is shocked by my behavior.

He grabbed my coat and tried to cover me up…

And suddenly…

Just like clock work…

Marlboro Man and I were having a moment!

Our lives flashed before our eyes!

We were young and viral and full of our parent’s money!

We were about to exhibit the behavior of a too long caged up bull and a steer in heat!

But then!

Out of nowhere!

The deafening thunder of wild horse hooves pounded past us in a cloud of dirt, debris and dark swirling hair!

“What was that?” I exclaimed.

“It’s Tia Juana!”  Marlboro Man explained.  “She is riding one of the wild mustangs again!”

“That’s impossible!”  I gasped. “Tia is at home polishing my luggage in the basement!”

“No she’s not.  She’s been helping me to care for the wild mustangs.”

“What?!?”  I exclaimed.  “Helping you?  Why do you need Tia to help YOU?!?”

“I don’t have time to explain it all right now,” MM said, “I have to go and get her!  She is heading into wild cat territory!”

“Wild cat territory!  No!  Don’t leave me here by myself!”  I screamed clinging to the fringe on his Armani suede vest.  “Tia is an illegal!  She is used to crossing dangerous territory under pain of death!  Stay with me Marlboro Man!  Protect me!  Cover me up with my coat again!  Please!  Please don’t go!”

“Are you crazy!”  MM said.  “She could be killed!”

And then Marlboro Man pushed past me, knocking me flat onto the moist grassy pasture.  I began to shiver and moan and whimper as the cold damp earth rapidly seeped through my tutu and into my fishnet stockings.  Little weeplets began to form in the corner of my eyes.  “Don’t let it be an ugly cry.”  I chastised myself.  “Keep yourself together Pie Near.  You want to make him feel bad, but you don’t want to look bad at the same time!”

But MM wasn’t thinking of me as he ran towards the galloping horse.

His only thought was for the safety of his domestic illegal Native American.

“Tia!  Tia!  TIA!!!!”  He cried.

Tia glanced back at him, but she did not slow down.

She just kept riding!

Straight into the jaws of danger!

“Let her die.  Let her die.  Let her die.”  I fervently prayed. I have no idea why I prayed that.  I love Tia.  I love her more n’ my luggage, but sometimes I just want to break her little neck!  I guess it’s just the stress of being a world famous blogger.  Just keepin’ it real folks.

In the meantime, Marlboro Man was slowly closing the gap!  He is a real fast runner.  He used to play highschool football and he went to ASU!

As I watched him run, my eyes lingered on his fine backside.  The way the muscle clung to his bone.  I wondered if he was well marbled.  No.  He’d probably be tough and rangy, but maybe if I marinated him overnight in a six pack of Dr. Pepper…

As I was lying there in the grass dreaming of a delicious rump roast for dinner, Chief Big Lotto rode up to ask me what was going on.

Chief Big Lotto is Tia Juana’s uncle.

He rides the range.

He speaks the tongue of the Wind Mother.

He listens with the ears of the Great One.

“Tia Juana has crossed into wild cat territory and Marlboro Man is trying to save her!”  I explained.

“Marlboro Man must follow the dreams of the ancestors.”  Chief Lotto intoned.

“What?  What does that mean?”  I questioned.

“Marlboro Man will taste the dust of the stars and the bitter root of many broken ram horns.”

“Huh?  What?  Are you giving a prophecy?”  I asked. ” I don’t understand what you are saying.  Me speaky white woman from golf course land.  You speaky illegal Native from Osage land.  You go talky talky, but me no understandy.  Talky talky, helpy, helpy.  Me no speaky you illegal tongue”

After I tried to explain myself, Chief Lotto stared at me for a long time and then he threw me over the back of his horse like a sack of grain.

“We must travel into the seven winds until the crowned serpent shows herself in the stars.” he whispered.

“Uh Chief…” I said, “I have to get back to the lodge and photograph myself making some cupcakes.  Can you put me down please?”

“My people don’t eat the devil cupcake.  It takes our strength and leaves us scarred and pitted with viper fang.”

“Oh… Okay… I could totally make some jelly donuts instead.”

But Chief Big Lotto had turned his attention back to the horizon where MM was trying to rescue Tia Juana!

And that’s when the first wild cat jumped out of nowhere!

She eyeballed Tia for several seconds but when she saw MM she darted away.

But the second cat was a different story.  He was not deterred by the speed nor the gluteal structure of MM.  Instead he sped right by him and headed straight to Chief Big Lotto and ME!


“HELP!”  I screamed.

The big cat sniffed my stockings and then reeled backwards and stumbled straight towards Tia Juana!

Marlboro Man was almost there!

But he was too late!

The big cat swiped Tia off her horse with it’s huge claws and pinned her to the ground!

Clasping her by the neck in his iron jaws of death, the big cat began to suck the very life from her!

And then… just like that… the big cat disappeared.

And Marlboro Man ran to Tia Juana to see if she was still alive!

Gently he scooped her off the ground.

Are you alright?  He asked looking her over for any injuries.

“I am fine”.  Tia said.  “Just a little bruised and embarrassed”.

“Embarrassed? What are you embarrassed about?” MM asked as he gently sat Tia Juana down.

“I should know better than to ride into wild cat territory.  I grew up on this ranch.  I know these lands better than anyone!  I feel like such a fool.”

“You are the least foolish person on this ranch!”  Marlboro Man said.  “No one understands the flora and the fauna and the wild critters the way you do!  No one speaks to them the way you do.  By the way, what did you tell that wild cat to make it go away?”

“I just whispered the critter love words of my ancestors.  You know the language too.  I taught it to you when we were kids!”

“Ah Tia.  You know those were just silly games we played.  I don’t even know what I was saying just now.  It’s like I was under a temporary magic spell from seeing you almost killed. There’s no such thing as magic animal languages!”

“But we used to talk to the animals all the time!  Remember?  Braaaaaay hosher hosher hosher Braaaaaay hosher hosher miaow whoof whoof Braaaaaay mooooo!”

For a brief moment MM’s eyes lit up with a fire of long lost understanding.  “Did you just say the donkey is on the roof?” He asked.

“Yes!  I knew you remembered!  I knew it”  Tia yelped. “You can still speak magic animal!  Somewhere deep inside of you MM there is still a man who loves the Wind Mother and cares for her offspring!”

“Oh Tia…”  MM said.  “That was a long time ago. Things have changed…”

“What do you mean?”  asked Tia.

“I mean this…” MM said as he leaned in and brushed some dirt off of Tia’s jugular vein.

“This… where your neck connects to your chest and you blood supply moves from your heart to your brain.  You are the connection Tia.  The missing piece.  You always have been.

But Tia backed away from MM.  A look of hurt and confusion swam in her large brown eyes.

“I have to go now.”  Tia said…

Tia mounted the wild mustang who had been waiting patiently for her.  “When we were children we ran amok on these lands like two thistle bushes pushed by Mother Wind.  You must try and remember.  Remember the olden ways.  The ways of my people.  The ways of OUR people.  That’s the real missing piece.”

And then she turned to go…

MM watched her ride away.

She was a part of this land like no other person he had ever met.

A part of the land…

A part of his ranch…

And a part of his heart…

To be continued…

I know we just did this, but dang it!  I couldn’t pass up a chance to see what you guys would come up with on this one.

The best caption will win a $20.00 gift certificate to the online store of their choice.

I am working on the rest of the story that goes with this photo.  It’s a real tear jerker.  Stay tuned!