Browsing Archives for April 2011

Did you know I applied to graduate school?

Yes.

I did.

And I got accepted!

And ever since that fateful moment, I have been in a twist to make up my mind whether to actually go to graduate school or not.

Should I go?

Should I?

What about the four sons, three of which are on the cusp of college themselves?

What about all that tuition I am going to be paying in just a few short years?

What about my job at the Garden Center, that I love very much?

What about my blog?

And most importantly, whose going to keep Pie Near Woman going, if I go back to school?

These are the things I have been thinking about.

I applied to the English graduate program at K-State.  They have various tracks including English Literature, Cultural Studies, and Creative Writing.  I think they all sound very interesting, but I kind of think that getting a Master’s degree in Creative Writing is like getting a Master’s degree in flying on a unicorn.  It just sounds like way too much fun and sort of like moving permanently into a dream world inhabited entirely by characters from Winnie the Pooh, Nancy Drew books and Colin Firth.  So I had already crossed Creative Writing off of my list.  And then I attended a luncheon with some graduate professors and students and potential students like me and one of the professors turned to me and said, “So Rechelle… what track are you considering?”

And I said, “Uh… well… I like several of them… maybe English literature?”

And he said, “We think you should do Creative Writing.”

And I was like, “Uh… flubber, flubber, flub, flub flut, floo.” For some reason, I couldn’t seem to form any coherent words.  My mouth suddenly seemed to be full of gigantic wads of cotton candy surrounded by caramel apples surrounded by melting chocolate and rainbow lollipops the size of my head and a roller coaster and a water park and a trip to Hogwarts on the back of Harry’s magic broom!  This man had just handed me a golden ticket to DREAM LAND!

But I still can’t decide whether or not to go.

Maybe I need two golden tickets.

Maybe I need three.

Maybe I just need to stay the course and keep right on keepin’ on.

I have a good life.  It’s FINE!  It’s GREAT!  I have children and a garden and a job and THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!!!

But what about that ticket to DREAM LAND?!?!?!?!?

AND ALL THOSE MAGICAL UNICORN RIDES?!?!?!?

_______________________________

In other news…

We went to a wine tasting party…

At a dentist office…

When I RSVP’d to this party, I did not know that it was going to be at a dentist office.

I thought it was going to be somewhere fancy.

Like maybe a big fancy garden… or a big, fancy house…. or a big fancy anything that WASN’T A DENTIST OFFICE.

So half way there, I turned to my husband and said, “So where is this wine tasting party located?”

And I guess you can probably figure out how he answered.  But in case you are coming off a bender he said, “It’s at a dentist office.”

And I said, “It’s at a what?”

and then yada, yada, yada… we went back and forth for a while as I tried to comprehend that I was attending a wine tasting party at a dentist office.

So then I began to make deals with my husband…

“If we are having a horrible time, we are just going to leave.  We are just going to walk out. I don’t care if it is weird for us to leave, we are just going to leave!  I don’t want to spend the whole afternoon at a dentist office drinking wine!

The Country Doctor reserved the right to remain silent.

We arrived at the dentist office.

I was given a glass of champagne.

Then a glass of white wine.

And another glass of white wine.

It was about here that I began to have the time of my life.

Followed by three more glasses of wine and then at the end we got to have more of whatever we liked the best and I chose another glass of champagne because it was delicious and people just don’t drink enough champagne do they?  At least I DON’T!  And that is when I decided that I LOVE DENTIST OFFICE WINE TASTING PARTIES!

THERE SHOULD BE WAY MORE OF THEM!!!!

Big fancy houses are TOTALLY OVERRATED!

Over and Out,

Rechelle

Hey everyone!

Awesome news!

Today we celebrate the death of Jesus, the lamb of God who had to be sacrificed to atone for our sins!

I know!

It’s so COOL!

For those of you who are not lucky enough to be servants of the MOST HIGH GOD!!!  Let me just explain it to you…

You see there is a GOD!

AKA a big invisible man who lives in the sky.

He even has a PENIS!!!!

AND TESTICLES!!!!

AND HE SHAVES!!!!

THAT’S HOW WE KNOW THAT GOD IS A MAN!!!!

And guess what!!!!!

HE MADE US!!!!

It’s a long story, but basically he took some dirt and he formed a man and then he took a rib out of the man and formed a woman and then he put the man and the woman in a garden and he only gave them ONE RULE!!!

No Apples!

“You can eat anything you want,” he told them,  “but NO APPLES!”

That’s because the apples were MAGIC APPLES and they would give the man and the woman the ability to… to… to…

Fly?…..

See the future?….

Read people’s thoughts?….

Become invisible?….

Levitate objects with their minds?….

Understand the theory of relativity?…

No…

Nothing like that SILLY!!!

Instead they would be able to… to… to…

I don’t even know what the apples did, but it was bad stuff

VERY BAD STUFF!!!

So No Apples and everything is FINE!

But guess what!!!

SERPENT!!!

Because it turns out that Adam and Eve (that’s the man and the woman) were getting along just fine in the garden.  They didn’t even CARE about the apples.  There was plenty of other stuff to eat and it was gorgeous scenery and they spent their days exploring and discovering and creating artisan meals from fresh pineapples and pecans and painting water colors and making twig sculptures and planting rose bushes beside a little fountain they had wrought by inventing a windmill and a sluice and all this contentment and happiness in His creation made God bored.

Very, very, very bored!

He was SO BORED!

BORED, BORED, BORED!

“Why aren’t Adam and Eve breaking my one rule!” he demanded of himself.  “I can’t start wreaking havoc until THEY WREAK SOME HAVOC!!!!”

So then God had a BRILLIANT IDEA!

He made a serpent.

A talking serpent!

A beautiful, talking serpent!

A beautiful, talking, silver tongued, serpent with the ability to convince people to do things that they didn’t want to do.

And that serpent eventually became known as THE MARKETING EXECUTIVE/SALESPERSON/RAIN MAKER/PSYCHIC/VOODOO PRIESTESS/TELEVANGELIST/WOMEN’S MAGAZINE PRODUCER!!!!

And the serpent convinced Eve to eat a magic apple and then Eve convinced Adam to eat a magic apple and suddenly they both knew they were naked.  Which I guess means that the magic apple causes goosebumps!  So they hurried up and stitched some clothes out of leaves and then God came tramping into the garden and demanded to know why Adam and Eve weren’t running around naked anymore!  And then God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden for eating the magic apples and for not being naked enough to cause him delight.  And Adam and Eve no longer walked with God.  And they never would again – until God murdered his only son and made it all okay again.

I know.

It sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic, but trust me – it is the REAL DEAL!

So that is the GOOD NEWS FOLKS!

God loves you so much that He is willing to send a talking snake into your garden to trick you into eating an apple and the ONLY WAY you can EVER, EVER, EVER get back in good with God is to accept the KNOWN FACT that his son was brutally murdered to save you from your sins.

Because God requires a blood sacrifice.

He could have required a sofa sacrifice or a chocolate sacrifice or a cookie sacrifice…

He could have required us to plant a tree or a garden or a flower…

He could have required a nice gift of money to a person in need… or for you to volunteer once a month at a battered women’s shelter…

He could have insisted that you work to make sure that all children get education and health care and enough food to eat.

Or that you stay in excellent physical condition and cut out all partially hydrogenated fats.

But no…

It must be blood.

Because that is just the kind of guy that God is.

Which is the perfect kind.

Because God is perfect.

And we should try to be just like Him.

Amen.

I know you are breathless with anticipation about Pie Near’s interview with Gwyneth Paltrow regarding her new cookbook ‘My Father’s Daughter’.  I also know that you didn’t even know about Pie Near’s interview with Gwyneth Paltrow, but that is okay – because Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t know about it either!  So this will be an extra special surprise for everyone!  Even as we speak – Pie Near is agonizing over whether to wear her fringed Native American blanket dress or her rodeo queen bandanna miniskirt with matching denim vest.  Paltrow however, has decided on a see-thru navy gown covered in silvery stars.

In the meantime… because I love you and because it’s Tuesday – here is a video that will help to set the tone.

Bon Apertif!