It’s Good Friday – Don’t Forget to Praise God for Murdering His Son For You!

April 22nd, 2011

Hey everyone!

Awesome news!

Today we celebrate the death of Jesus, the lamb of God who had to be sacrificed to atone for our sins!

I know!

It’s so COOL!

For those of you who are not lucky enough to be servants of the MOST HIGH GOD!!!  Let me just explain it to you…

You see there is a GOD!

AKA a big invisible man who lives in the sky.

He even has a PENIS!!!!

AND TESTICLES!!!!

AND HE SHAVES!!!!

THAT’S HOW WE KNOW THAT GOD IS A MAN!!!!

And guess what!!!!!

HE MADE US!!!!

It’s a long story, but basically he took some dirt and he formed a man and then he took a rib out of the man and formed a woman and then he put the man and the woman in a garden and he only gave them ONE RULE!!!

No Apples!

“You can eat anything you want,” he told them,  “but NO APPLES!”

That’s because the apples were MAGIC APPLES and they would give the man and the woman the ability to… to… to…

Fly?…..

See the future?….

Read people’s thoughts?….

Become invisible?….

Levitate objects with their minds?….

Understand the theory of relativity?…

No…

Nothing like that SILLY!!!

Instead they would be able to… to… to…

I don’t even know what the apples did, but it was bad stuff

VERY BAD STUFF!!!

So No Apples and everything is FINE!

But guess what!!!

SERPENT!!!

Because it turns out that Adam and Eve (that’s the man and the woman) were getting along just fine in the garden.  They didn’t even CARE about the apples.  There was plenty of other stuff to eat and it was gorgeous scenery and they spent their days exploring and discovering and creating artisan meals from fresh pineapples and pecans and painting water colors and making twig sculptures and planting rose bushes beside a little fountain they had wrought by inventing a windmill and a sluice and all this contentment and happiness in His creation made God bored.

Very, very, very bored!

He was SO BORED!

BORED, BORED, BORED!

“Why aren’t Adam and Eve breaking my one rule!” he demanded of himself.  “I can’t start wreaking havoc until THEY WREAK SOME HAVOC!!!!”

So then God had a BRILLIANT IDEA!

He made a serpent.

A talking serpent!

A beautiful, talking serpent!

A beautiful, talking, silver tongued, serpent with the ability to convince people to do things that they didn’t want to do.

And that serpent eventually became known as THE MARKETING EXECUTIVE/SALESPERSON/RAIN MAKER/PSYCHIC/VOODOO PRIESTESS/TELEVANGELIST/WOMEN’S MAGAZINE PRODUCER!!!!

And the serpent convinced Eve to eat a magic apple and then Eve convinced Adam to eat a magic apple and suddenly they both knew they were naked.  Which I guess means that the magic apple causes goosebumps!  So they hurried up and stitched some clothes out of leaves and then God came tramping into the garden and demanded to know why Adam and Eve weren’t running around naked anymore!  And then God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden for eating the magic apples and for not being naked enough to cause him delight.  And Adam and Eve no longer walked with God.  And they never would again – until God murdered his only son and made it all okay again.

I know.

It sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic, but trust me – it is the REAL DEAL!

So that is the GOOD NEWS FOLKS!

God loves you so much that He is willing to send a talking snake into your garden to trick you into eating an apple and the ONLY WAY you can EVER, EVER, EVER get back in good with God is to accept the KNOWN FACT that his son was brutally murdered to save you from your sins.

Because God requires a blood sacrifice.

He could have required a sofa sacrifice or a chocolate sacrifice or a cookie sacrifice…

He could have required us to plant a tree or a garden or a flower…

He could have required a nice gift of money to a person in need… or for you to volunteer once a month at a battered women’s shelter…

He could have insisted that you work to make sure that all children get education and health care and enough food to eat.

Or that you stay in excellent physical condition and cut out all partially hydrogenated fats.

But no…

It must be blood.

Because that is just the kind of guy that God is.

Which is the perfect kind.

Because God is perfect.

And we should try to be just like Him.

Amen.

Comments

  • Amy:

    So. Awesome.

    You rock, Rochelle!

  • Mo:

    The goosebumps! That is EXACTLY what I thought when I was a kid.

    I know it’s supposed to represent “shame” but how is it a bad thing when a guy suddenly has a nekkid woman right there in front of his own nekkidness? He’d be all “schwing!”

    • ‘Schwing!’ This made me laugh out loud!!!

  • Jay:

    Ok, the title of todays post literally made me laugh out loud. It startled my cats and they ran in fear. Good times. :)

    Does this mean lent is over now? Will McDonald’s finally stop trying to ram Filet-o-fish sandwiches down my throat?

    Oh, and Happy Earth Day, everyone!

  • Nadine:

    And good Good Friday to you, too! In case you haven’t seen this video…trust me. You want to.

    http://youtu.be/7cMhcikAbCc

    • Rechelle:

      That was horrible!

      • Nadine:

        I know, that story is totally gory!

  • Jennine:

    It sounds CRAZY when you put it THAT way!

  • PWP:

    Loved this: And that serpent eventually became known as THE MARKETING EXECUTIVE/SALESPERSON/RAIN MAKER/PSYCHIC/VOODOO PRIESTESS/TELEVANGELIST/WOMEN’S MAGAZINE PRODUCER!!!!

    True!

    Amen to a great post!

  • Nanc in Ashland:

    Am I a big old hypocrite for not believing in Big Daddy, JC. and the Spook (who here went to a Catholic college and gets that joke?!) but still loving Easter because it means Cadbury Mini-Eggs?

    • You’re not alone, Nanc. Easter is an excuse for me to indulge in my vice of Russell Stover’s dark chocolate-raspberry whip filled easter eggs, Cadbury eggs and Reese’s PB eggs. And chocolate covered Peeps! Some of my most favorite treats are only available in the spring!

  • HAHAHAHAHA! Loved this post. I want to print this out and hand it to those people who ring my doorbell and leave pamphlets on my front stoop!

  • Amy:

    Bigot – “One who is strongly partial to one’s own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ”.

    Is your scorn and mockery limited only to Christianity or do you plan on being an equal opportunity bigot? Can we expect to see your clever “parody-ness” by including Islam and Judaism in your bashing repretoire?

    Yeah….I didn’t think so.

    You’re just a “weekend bigot” (PW and Christians).

    • Jay:

      Vegetarian – “a person who does not eat or does not believe in eating meat, fish, fowl, or, in some cases, any food derived from animals, as eggs or cheese, but subsists on vegetables, fruits, nuts, grain, etc. ”

      Is your scorn and mockery limited to only red meat or do you plan on being an equal opportunity vegetarian? Can we expect to see your “non-eatingness” of Chicken and Salmon in your bashing food repertoire?

      Yeah… I didn’t think so.

      You’re just a “weekend vegetarian” (Beef and Pork)

      You cant call someone a bigot (who is intolerant of all other groups) in one sentence, and then complain that they AREN’T intolerant of all other groups in the next.

    • Rechelle:

      Amy – Unfortunately, as a writer I am stuck with ‘writing what I know’ and I know Christianity and far too much about PW’s fantasy internet life. I know not Judaism nor Islam and my mockery of them would be from a place of ignorance which is never a good place for ridicule to come from. I think you will find that most parody is written on a subject the author tends to know very well. As to calling me a bigot – uh… I suppose I am intolerant of religion, but my attacks are focused on the damaging beliefs and behaviors that result from religion including everything from misogyny to pedophilia to refusing medical intervention for a sick child. If that makes me a bigot by your limited definition – okay – but it seems to include everyone because everyone is ‘partial to their own group’.

      • Bravo, what a wonderful and honest answer. Your open-mindedness with your critics is wonderful and something that I’ve not found on “the other side” with religious types.

  • Chris:

    Oh, that was great! And no more over-the-top than the book the story came from. And, as far as the equal-opportunity-bigot thing: uh, that story applies to ALL those Abrahamaic religions; it’s not like Christianity has a lock-on on fantasy-made-up weirdness, right?

    Oh, Rachelle, for a wonderfully hilarious read on the ‘murdered son’ routine, check this out –

    http://nogodsallowed.wordpress.com/2011/04/21/the-most-overlooked-part-of-the-easter-narrative/

  • Carol:

    I’m pretty sure god doesn’t shave. He has beard in all his pictures. But otherwise, spot on!

    • Sabazinus:

      Well, he doesn’t shave his face…

  • Great post Rechelle!

  • Mindy:

    Is that why fish sandwiches have been on sale? I’m so out of the religious times! Heh.

    Yay for not realizing that “good Friday” meant the courthouse was closing early and making me take an extra trip for nothing so I couldn’t pay a speeding ticket!

    Stupid good Friday. Awful Friday if you ask me.

  • DING DONG The Lord is dead….

    • I laughed!
      There’s something about picturing a house falling on god… but mostly about picturing god wearing the coveted Ruby slippers!! Werk it.

    • Rhonda H.:

      Why, oh why did I not see this in time to make it my facebook status on Friday?!?!?

  • I just don’t know how you do it. Time after time. I lost it on “cookie sacrifice”.

    Amy sounds real Christin…..

    She needs to stick another chocolate bunny in her pie hole.

  • So here’s a perspective (just MY perspective– not one I think anyone else needs to believe) from your Christian homeschooler fan (I should add a disclaimer that many Christians would not consider me one, but I do): The symbol of Jesus dying on a cross with people who were considered common criminals reminds us that each of us is as human as we are divine.

    The symbol of his resurrection to a new heaven, a new creation, reminds us that it is our calling to co-create a heaven on earth, to transform the earth into the heavenly existence FOR EVERYONE that is described by Jesus.

    I do not believe that God killed Jesus or caused his crucifixion. I do believe that the life and death of Jesus offer us a glimpse into the sort of love that we are called to bring to the world.

    I also feel very sad each and every Good Friday because I know that the Jesus I believe died on a cross would never ever have wanted that death to become a catalyst for anti-Semitism the way it has.

    Just my perspective.

  • Marilyn:

    Checking in from time to time and noticing only a few comments, I imagine most of your former readers have just moved on. Perhaps they understand the scripture from Matthew 7: “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.” NLT

    • Skattebol:

      Marilyn,
      Your comment from one long-standing reader (who often chooses to NOT comment, as what I want to write often has already been stated) is not thoughtful or provocative. It is simply passive-aggressive.

      • Skattebol:

        I meant to say your comment as perceived by one long-standing reader….

        • Marilyn – how many comments do you get? Looks like you check in enough to evaluate how many comments that this blog gets. Seems a bit obsessive.

          I have a verse for you Marilyn. It is from Cat 1….

          You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig. What is that shade you are wearing? Looks like Devils Blood Red to me! Oh, and I like your pearls!

    • Spinny:

      So Marilyn, apparently you choose to disobey the bible? After all, you are spending time reading unholy posts and commenting.

      I wonder how god feels about your direct disobedience of a simple command.

  • I had to laugh at Google ads beside this entry: CHRISTIAN PRAYER CENTER- Post a prayer request, thousands will pray for you. HAAAA!

  • Emily:

    Thank you, I really needed to read this today. I posted ‘Happy Chocolate and Brunch Day!” on my facebook, and was inundated with family members saying things like ‘Jesus is the reason for the season!’ (isn’t that Christmas?), and ‘You better thank JESUS for all those chocolate eggs’. In response to that particular person, I asked them why Easter is celebrated with eggs and other traditional pagan objects, and they returned with some of the most hateful, bigoted statements I’ve ever heard. This is someone I’m related to and it just made me so sad. So, again, thank you for posting this. It has cheered me right up.

    • theresa:

      I’m sorry you were attacked that way. Sometimes, Christians can be the most judgemental people,

      • LucyJoy:

        Boy! What a true, true statement, Theresa!

    • Skattebol:

      My family and got together today – more to be together, following the recent death of my mother, rather than to celebrate Easter. Anyhow, we were talking about when Easter falls each year, which led into a discussion about the adoption of pagan rituals into Christianity, as well as the adoption of the time of the year for Christian holidays, based on Pagan holidays. Pagans ensured that their religion would not be lost by upholding certain rituals and holidays within the new religion of Christianity, hence the christmas tree, easter eggs, and the colors that symbolize these holidays, etc. Studying Wicca has been a fascinating endeavor – although I do not practice it, I have learned much about the tension between pagan religions and early Christianity.

      • Thank you for that comment. I am sorry about the recent death of your Mom.

        I always enjoy what you have to say. You always make me think.

        • km:

          Our Celtic crosses were a compromise between the Christian cross and the pagan Sun worship. So you could kneel and worship etc but who knew which one you were worshipping??? Sneaky.

          If you can wade through the first 100 pages a very good book is “I dream of Scipio”. It’s opening chapters are so tedious I threw it in the cupboard for 2 months before trying again. After that opening it’s a great read.

          Ireland is riddled with Christian and pagan mishmash. Bonfire night/Midsummer is now St. John’s Eve, Our Halloween slapped onto All Soul’s (always thought that was clever) etc etc. You realize how tenuous all fo this is.

      • Chris:

        I think the rabbits and eggs thing is from Eostre/Ostara — the northern-European fertility goddess that the xtians co-opted the holiday from. (Just like they did Saturnalia with xmas). After all, they couldn’t very well call their holiday ‘Passover’, now could they? Check Wikipedia, it has a good explanation.

  • sara:

    I just read this somewhere and found it appropriate for this write-up:

    “If God created the world, where was he before creation?….
    How could God have made the world without any raw material?….
    If he is ever perfect and complete, how could the will to create have arisen in him?….”

    (from a 9th century Jain text)

  • I thought of you when I saw this e-card-

    http://www.someecards.com/easter-cards/good-friday-easter-jesus-crucified-funny-ecard

    Hope you’re enjoying the bi-polar Kansas spring weather!

  • Jill:

    I’ve been thinking about your blog a lot this weekend. I hope you don’t mind me using your platform to pose a question to your insightful readers (and yourself, of course). I have been a non-believer since about age 9. I was however, forced to attend church until high school. I have also read the bible and studied (minimally) Christianity and other religions.

    I married a non-practicing Catholic. We didn’t talk much about our beliefs until AFTER our children were born. Twenty-five years of marriage and we’ve had some pretty heartfelt conversations about God, religion, etc. Turns out we’re on the same page! My question involves my kids. My youngest son has decided he wants to become a Catholic. His baseball coach is a pastor (non-Catholic). He’s a great coach and a nice man. But he also prays with the boys before every game. Now he’s asking the kids whether they go to church, what religion they are, etc. My kids know nothing of religion (they thought the Noah’s Ark toy given by grandparents was the Farmer-with-the-Boat and they’ve asked if they’ve been “vapitized”).

    My son is worried that his wish to follow an organized religion will a) disappoint me, b) infringe on my love of sleeping-in on Sunday, c) start a neverending conversation about religion. He’s only wrong about a). He’s a great kid and he has questions. Of course I think my beliefs (or non-beliefs) are right, but I don’t want to quash his thirst for knowledge. I’ve offered to take him to church – even though it seems hypocritical to me. I’m really at a loss of how to handle this situation. I don’t want to force my son to be an athiest, just as I didn’t appreciate being forced by my parents to be a Methodist.

    As strong as my athiesm is, my “coming out” about it is a fairly recent development. I’m not shouting my beliefs from the mountaintops, but neither do I shy away from an honest answer when asked. This response is getting too long, so I’ll get to the questions already!

    Did your husband and kids “become” athiest when you did? Do they still attend church? Do you explain your new beliefs to your kids and expect/hope that they feel the same way?

    Thanks for your blog – it’s the first thing I read every day.

    • LucyJoy:

      While I don’t have children, Jill, I knew quite a few kids when I was growing up who dropped their kids off at church school and or church & then they’d go off to have breakfast & pick their kids up after the service was over. Perhaps this is a good alternative for you; you wouldn’t feel like a hypocrite. Or, does your son have a friend he could go to church with?

      I think you’re being a wonderul parent to allow your son to explore religion. He may find as he matures that religion isn’t for him, either, but, IMO, since he’s asking & wants to participate, if nothing else, it can be a great learning experience for him!

      Best of luck!

    • Nadine:

      I would say, take him to church if he wants the experience. It’ll be an experience for you, too, and that way you could talk or not talk about it at his leisure. Like Lucy, I don’t have kids, but I really really enjoy some of the insights on Dale McGowan’s blog, The Meming of Life, in case you haven’t seen it yet. He handles things so well and even-handedly, he might be a good anchor/inspiration for you and your son on this journey. Check him out: http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/

      • Cheyenne:

        Jill, I’m a non-religious parent of two (ages 7 and 5) who deconverted a couple of years ago, and I strongly second checking out Dale McGowan’s blog. He also has a book by the same name. He talks about teaching kids how to think, not what to think, and even most religious people would agree with many of his ideas.

        As far as letting my child join the Catholic church, I would say NO don’t do it! It sounds like peer pressure and a religious role model are strongly influencing his desire to do this. What I would do is say that I respect his interest in religion, and that since our (your) family hasn’t really talked about religion (I’m assuming from your comment) that we should learn more about it. Then go to different churches together and talk about it afterward, go to some other religious services if possible (Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, etc.), or research them. Read stories and mythologies from around the world. Then when your son is older, and has really had time and maturity to put thought into his beliefs (at least teen years, younger kids haven’t developed to that level of higher thinking), then let him make a choice and support him in that. To me letting him join a church right now is giving up your parenting in this area to people who are going to indoctrinate him into their religious beliefs, and he will likely never have the foundation in critical thinking and understanding of other world views.

    • Rechelle:

      Jill,

      Sorry I didn’t answer you sooner, I was out of town and offline for the weekend. My children stopped attending church when I did and so did my husband. I was the one driving the church bus in our family. Once I lost interest, my family was happy to give up going and no one has once asked if we could go back. They like sleeping in on Sundays and having more free time. It’s wonderful.

      I have told my kids that they can choose whatever religion they want. They don’t have to have their mother’s beliefs and that I will love them no matter what they decide. And then I usually give them a talk about using their brains and thinking critically and blah, blah, blah. I have told them that I will get them to church if they really want to go. So far no one has taken me up on my offer.

      I think the coach is kind of weird to ask the kids about their religion. He seems to be actively evangelizing his team. This is worrisome to me. He should stick to baseball. There are so many problems with evangelizing a group of kids – it teaches them that certain religious groups are acceptable and certain are not. Then there is hell and heaven and who goes where.

      On the other hand, I imagine that if I grew up in a non-religious home, I would have lots of questions about God too. I would want to explore these things too. I am sure there are some good resources out there, but I don’t know of any at this point. Ultimately, I would let my son go to church, but I would probably want to balance the experience by possibly attending several different kinds of worship services from many different world religions and I would also spend some time exploring the origins of the universe thru various science experiences (a planetarium, natural history, anthropology, etc…) Maybe every Sunday the two of you have a little outing and start sorting it out together. It could be kind of fun. YOU SHOULD WRITE A BLOG!!! Just kidding – but it would be an interesting experience. Would love to hear how it all goes down.

      • I agree with the idea of exposing your child to a variety of thoughts and experiences so that he can make his own choices. I grew up in forced atheism and it messed with my head as much as forced religion does. In fact, my brother and i rebelled by sneaking out and attending church. He is now a fundagelical and I really do believe he might have gone a different direction had he more guidance and support in his curiosity as a teen (when he started exploring). I feel very lucky in that I ended up at a very liberal Lutheran University — chosen so I could explore religion — and never felt pressured or judged. But I also had a lot of very progressive mentors in my life. My brother glommed onto the people with definitive beliefs because his questions were never given weight in our childhood home.

      • Jill:

        I just commented on all the wonderful replies and my computer choked! Trust me – what I said was brilliant. I’m too angry at technology right now to recreate my response, but I want to thank you all for responding to my questions. I have added Dale McGowan’s blog to my favorites (after Rechelle’s). Thanks again!