A Ken Ham Smack Down at the Great Homeschooling Convention!

April 8th, 2011

Once upon a time…

In a galaxy far, far away…

Three notable Christian gurus were brought together under the lofty banner of


(Vention, Vention, Vention….)

Guru number one was Susan Wise Bauer, author of the Well Trained Mind a book that continues to inspire even the most simple minded of women to believe they should take their kids out of school and teach them at home.

Guru number two was Peter Enns, a learned biblical scholar who does not need a historical Adam to believe in a historical Jesus just because the historical Paul said he had to.

And Guru number three was Ken Ham.  A modern day Old Testament Prophet with a ferocious and fiery fixation on the literal interpretation of the first few chapters of the book of Genesis.  As well as everything else in the bible except for that part about the death penalty for disobedient children – but only because it is currently against the law and Jesus said that whole thing about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s which translated means obey your government even if it doesn’t let you kill your willful children.

Fortunately, the GREAT HOMESCHOOL CONVENTION (Vention, Vention, Vention) has a board of directors that is uniformly comprised of young earth creationists.


That was a close one!

For those of you lacking in a proper evangelical, fundamentalist, literal bible believing background – a young earth creationist is a person who has added up the amount of time it took to get from the heavenly perfection of Adam and Eve to the worldly ruin of Adam and Steve and this equals approximately 6000 years.

Therefore the earth can only be 6000 years old – because that is what the bible adds up to!  NEVERMIND the poor addle brained geology professors and their strata of sediment reading graduate students who have determined that the earth is millions of years older than that!  And NEVERMIND layers of rock that depict eons of critter life before any evidence of man shows up and NEVERMIND the findings of ancient civilizations that clearly pre-date 6000 BC!  We are talking about the BIBLE HERE PEOPLE!  And if the bible adds up to the earth being 6000 years old than it is 6000 FUCKING YEARS OLD!

Moving on!

The only problem is that Peter Enns fails to accept the Adam and Eve to Adam and Steve mathematical Genesis formula.

And worse!  He willfully and openly belongs to a heretical group of ‘so called believers’ known as BioLogos, an organization that makes a pathetic attempt to make the bible say that evolution is perfectly okay and that the earth is waaaaaaaay older than the biblical age of 6000 years.

Yeah right!

Like that one time in the Gospel of Matthew where the disciples all sit around talking about fossils and carbon dating and survival of the fittest.  I don’t think so BioLogos!  So the only question is – What the hell was the apostate Peter Enns doing at the Great Homeschool Convention?

Well I can certainly tell you that he was not there to participate in a group hug with Ken Ham and Susan Wise Bauer.

What you see in the above photo is pure myth.

Just like the myth of there never being a world wide flood that covered the tippy tops of all the mountains.

Because there was one.

Because the bible says so dammit!

What do I have to do to get through to you people!?!?!?!

And why is Susan Wise Bauer even attempting to speak to Ken Ham?  Does she not understand that it is her God given duty as a submissive female to remain silent?

Perhaps if she is lucky, she will be preserved through the bearing of children.

And why does she not have a veil upon her head?

Is this woman completely unfamiliar with biblical instruction?

And as for Peter Enns!

He is none other than the devil wrapped in an arrogant loin cloth of bad science and indecipherable theology.

For Chrissake!

He doesn’t even think that Adam was a real person!

What about Eve, Peter!

Was Eve a fake person too?

And Cain?

And Abel?

And what about the gigantic angel Nephilim people Peter?!?!?

I suppose they are just figments of the bible’s imagination too?!?!?

I am afraid that I must knee you in the groin again and again Peter.

To show you how much I love you in Jesus name.

And to keep your quiver from increasing.

So that your arrows do not fly into a true believer’s womb and create an army of half breed heretics!

Your seed shall not poison the flock Peter!

It will end here

and NOW!

It is my duty as God’s humble servant, to place you in a headlock and stem the lies crawling out of your arrogant worm riddled mouth.

I must wrap you like a pretzel.

A pretzel for Jesus.

And then I will pour salt on your wounds for his namesake!

For I am God’s prophet Peter!

His mouthpiece.

His sweetmeats.

The juiciest of the bunch in His great grapes of wrath.

I drip with the holy succor of God’s annointing.

It matters not if I am kicked out of every convention for my unconventional behavior.

While the wolves devour the flock in my absence.

And spit out their bones to be gnawed on by the dogs under the table.

My enemies call me ungodly.

They say I am not a good neighbor.

But they have never lived next to God the way that I have.

They have never sat in the tent of the Most High.

And felt the sear upon their skin of the Holy One’s charcoal.

There is only one way to escape the char my beloved!

And that is to hate everyone who disagrees with you and to publicly denounce them in front of the entire congregation.

Until they weep blood and their very bones rattle for forgiveness.

And until they do, I will direct my faithful to purchase their homeschooling curriculum elsewhere.

Until their children’s ribs poke out from hunger and their houses fall in from disrepair!

For if you can’t beat them, you can at least cut off a hefty portion of their income stream.

Thus saith the Lord Your God!



  • susan:

    That 6000 year bunk evoked such a negative memory of when I worked at an engineering firm for umpteen years and the “president” was looking at a book that had me awe inspired with photos of Zion National Park in Utah. I mentioned how remarkable and beautiful the strata was and how long it took to form. Well, he said “you know, its a LIE what they say about millions of year. Its no more than 6000 years.” I responded ‘what about carbon dating?’ . He said. LIES. I was gob struck silent. You cant respond to an idiot.

    • REEpetitive:

      Haven’t any of the Young Earthers seen Inherit the Wind with Spencer Tracy and Darren from Bewitched? Do the math!

  • REEpetitive:

    As an agnostic homeschooler can I say amen to this? No. I guess I can’t. I still can’t do it. But, that was great! I love the wrestlin’ over dogma, and cutting off a hefty portion of their income stream. Real Christian, that.

  • LakeMom:

    I am bummed now because I was at a homeschooling convention in late March where Peter Enns was speaking, but I did not go see him, thinking it would be all about creationism. I wonder if he talked about the controversy at all. It could have been provocative. Not being one of the homeschoolers doing it for religious reasons, I never even heard of the controversy — and I am guessing it was brewing pretty strongly then.

    Interestingly, SWB’s “History of the World” is pretty good. It puts history in story form. I have, a few times, had to put things in context for my kids, but we only use it as one material of many. I have never read “A Well-trained Mind” because I have no desire to follow that route.

    I am going now to read up a bit more on all this. Thanks for enlightening us in a very enjoyable way.

    • Rechelle:

      I tried to watch a video of Peter Enns talking about his ‘Adam as Israel’ biblical theory. It was extremely boring and he comes across as completely humorless and full of himself. Ugh! I can’t imagine what a real life meeting between Bauer and Enns would be like. Two people who regard themselves as supreme biblical scholars. It would be nauseating. At least if Ken Ham was around – he would keep things interesting. You know it’s weird – but I kind of like Ken Ham. I think he would be fun to talk to – way more fun than Peter and Susan. I always like a character – no matter what their brand of lunacy – and Ken Ham is a CHARACTER.

  • astounded:

    That was frightening!! Thank you!!!!! ;-D

  • nanne:

    OH MY GOD or NOT GOD or whatever you omg to!!

    that was so snl brilliant.

    i don’t know what was more spot on, the commentary or the wrestler/disco dancing dolls…

    rechelle…you really need to do something with this smart, wicked wit of yours. a book, a column– something.

    you are so appreciated here, but you need a larger venue for your evilish, spot on, hilarious & timely observations of whatever you focus on.

    i’m not an atheist (i had to goggle how to spell it)…i’m just a brought-up-in-a-really-great-interested in all faiths-not trying to convert anyone, old school methodist church person….who is married to a jewish man and have brought up two girls in the jewish faith…but brought them up to question and think and consider other opinions and faiths and to appreciate differences, find them interesting and find their own way…and to have a freakin” sense of humor!!

    well, that was boring…

    anyway, you keep jim hensoning your barbies– you are posting the kind of hilarious funny that actually makes you stop and think…thank you!

  • Mo:

    SWB’s hair is absolutely TRAGIC.

    Is there already a name for this genre (“barbie theater”)? If not, someone needs to come up with something asap.

    LOVE and THANK YOU. Had a very government-shut-down angsty day.

  • Alison:

    Thank you so much for doing this. After reading all of Ken Ham’s crap I was feeling a little like Peter Enn’s. Kicked in the groin and tied in a pretzel for Jesus. Sigh. But this made me laugh. A lot. And I laughed again today when I read it. And Susan has her hand on Ken’s butt which makes me even happier.

  • Tracy:

    Even better than Pie Near Woman! Keep taking on the crazies, this stuff is golden!

  • Jan Blawat:

    My homeschooled son (who is now 25) discovered Zecharia Sitchin and has convinced me that the alien Anunnaki used their own DNA to cross with native apes 6000 years ago. The resulting humans were used to work in gold mines. If this is so, the Earth IS old, and our native ancestors are too, but we’re a more recent invention. I love this sci fi version of creation. By the way, we homeschooled through the high school years mostly to keep our kids alive. I’m in the edbiz here in California and can tell you the public high schools are zoos. Religion had nothing to do with it.

    • Rechelle:

      I am as sick of hearing that all public schools are ‘zoos’ just as you probably are that all homeschooled parents are nutjobs. It’s a ridiculous statement. Every school has it’s own leadership, it’s own chemistry and it’s own thaaaang. I am sure that many kids will graduate from California Highschools and go on to have wonderfully successful lives due in part to their public education.

      • Jan Blawat:

        It’s not all high schools in our state that are a problem. The district we live in closed the rural high school that enjoyed lots of community support, and shipped our kids to huge schools in the roughest parts of the nearest town. They had an hour bus ride in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. The wealthier parents put their kids in private schools. The rest of us – very reluctantly – went in together and homeschooled ours. It worked great for us and the kids, they’ve all gone on to do very well. This was 12 years ago, when the schools here actually had some money. Now it’s much worse. Half the teachers got pink slips and many of those who are left truly do feel like zookeepers. If you don’t live in California, be thankful.

  • JJ:

    I back you 100% Rechelle that parents and communities should be involved with their public schools – that if they have a complaint, they should be involved. But, unfortunately, there are schools out there that are “zoos!” And some are because there is a HUGE lack of parental involvement, some are WAY overcrowded, and have horrible management. There are complex reasons why some of our schools are not up to par. It is never balanced on one thing alone. I have taught in almost ALL of the districts in my county and they are all so different and there are some that have teachers, administrators, and involved parents and are STILL dealing with other societal ills everyday that keep them from getting to the business of education. There are a few districts that there would be NO WAY I would send my kid to already having seen some of the inner workings and knowing the challenges they face. And many of our state ( and federal) leaders “answer” to school districts facing difficulties is to pass it on to charters and private companies. Our wonderful leader in my state feels charters are the answer to ALL of public schools failings – he wants to give free reign to now big business charters and phase out our public schools. He continually disses our teachers and blames teacher unions. Never mind that our charters are hitting the same difficulties the public schools in those areas had – number one – poverty. Never mind that he keeps cutting funding and forcing more and more students into classrooms with less teachers. Education is complex and difficult and there is no one answer. I am so thankful for the district that my kids are in – we have a smaller house in order to live in this district, I stay involved with the district and I know our teachers and administrators are working in the best interest of our children. But my governor and state school superintendent seem determined to dismantle public education and pass it on to their cronies in the “charter” school business. And I have very little control over the kids that have extreme behavior problems and the parents who do not parent. Here is an idea – if you home school because of the quality of your local school, make sure you stay informed at what your state ( and the federal govt.) is doing with education. – The education of those kids in your local public school will still effect YOU and your family at some point in time. We have taken for granted our public education and it is at risk.

    • Kay in KCMO:

      “The education of those kids in your local public school will still effect YOU and your family at some point in time.”

      Right on, JJ; This can’t be emphazised strongly enough, IMO. Kids who receive a poor education sometimes grow up to be anti-social or even criminal (I’m trying very hard not to paint with a broad brush). There will be more victims of crime, more prisons will have to be built (at taxpayer expense) to house the perpetrators, there will be more sick people who can’t afford treatment, the list can go on.

      Then There is all that wasted potential; kids who could have grown up to be doctors, researchers, teachers, artists, professors will instead spend their lives working crap jobs for low wages never knowing what they could have been. One result of that is a lowered tax base which means that bridges don’t get repaired, roads don’t get built, there will be a reduction in police, fire, health services, etc. America’s future looks pretty bleak to me if we can’t get our public school system righted.

      (My apologies to all if this post looks weird or doesn’t have capital letters – a different font got installed over Arial and everything’s coming out funny and barely readable on my end. I need to get computer help.)

    • Jan Blawat:

      I agree that parental participation is necessary. In our relatively small elementary school, that was easier to accomplish. The high schools in our district are, by design, wayyyy too big. Severe budget cuts are a problem. Just recently the court schools were closed and all the kids who were previously incarcerated there are being kicked back to their parents and the public schools. Not a good situation for anyone.

      A group of us parents who homeschooled our boys through high school volunteered with 4-H and worked hard to keep them involved in our community that way.

  • Irma:

    I actually considered homeschooling my son when he was younger. Not because I had any kind of issue with the public school system, and certainly NOT because of any religious bent on my part ( I honestly didn’t know untIl about two years ago that religion was the major reason people picked homeschooling. Paint me naive.)

    The reason I faced this decision was that my son was very, very gifted in math and science….and bored out of his tree MISERABLE in school. We spoke to the teachers and the principal, and were not offered any real constructive way to help my son develop in the way his brain clearly wanted to. And so yeah…homeschooling seemed like an option we needed to explore in our particular case, but again, only to encourage and satisfy his hunger in those fields on knowledge.

    Long story short, turns out that all it took was to move him in to another school district, two kilometers over, where they created a secondary curriculum for him in science and math. He is sitll in the same class as his friends, he just gets different assignments in those subjects. His English, History, Phys Ed etc classes are the same as everone else, he gets the specialized work he craves in others, all while he gets to spend time with kids his age and I get to keep making money. I LOVE MY PUBLIC SCHOOL.

    • JJ:

      I’m so glad you found a good system for him Irma. And doesn’t it show how different school systems can be – even right in the same county?
      And why don’t those kids in your old district have that same benefit – the reasons can be so varied from funding, to administration, to teacher – even the pressure of a system struggling to make AYP. So why are those issues not looked at?

  • BMG580:

    I believe Rechelle is in JoCo Kansas. If I still lived there I would keep my children in public school too. Her perspective is affected by the school that her children attend, in a fairly affluent area with very low crime rates. I lived in JoCo for 2 years and thought I’d move to a paradise of affordable housing, great schools with reasonable class sizes and no traffic to speak of.

    I live in the suburbs of a major city now and our schools are seriously overcrowded and underfunded. I don’t want my 5 year old in a class of 30 students in an elementary school with 1100 total students K-5. It’s too big, it is chaotic and the teachers are seriously overworked and outnumbered. I also don’t have an additional 15k lying around to afford any of the private school options in our area. Our odds are much better homeschooling academics while supplementing with private music and art lessons. If we move and the public school situation is better we’ll reconsider our options.

    • Kay in KCMO:

      Rechelle is no where near JOCO.

    • Jo-co Kansas schools are not all that they once were. The two major school districts in Johnson County, the Shawnee Mission and Blue Valley districts, are both facing budget shortfalls. Shawnee Mission is closing two elementary schools and two middle schools and eliminating teacher positions, which will result in larger class sizes. They are also proposing that the fee for attending all day kindergarten will be increased to $300 per MONTH next school year. In the Blue Valley district, they’re planning on cuts in jobs and increasing class sizes and increasing fees to save them around $6mil next school year.

      My son attended a public school in one of the Jo-co districts up until this past year, when we decided to home school. Our reasons were many, but primarily because of increased class size and the rigorous ‘teach to test’ curriculum that so many districts are now using. Districts have become obsessed with test scores that, in my opinion are valuable only for determining how much money the district gets, not how well the students are doing. We home school through the Lawrence Kansas school district, and while we still have to take the state assessment tests, they aren’t the focus of education.

      • JJ:

        Here in Indiana, Kindergarten is NOT mandatory – I’m not sure how many states have made it mandatory, but it seems kind of silly not to.
        Indiana does not fund full day Kindergarten, but districts in our state have deemed it important enough to try to find ways to fund it. Some districts used to charge a fee for those wanting full day – however, our state leaders declared that a big no-no and the districts could not charge. They also blocked districts from charging a fee for transportation – which many did after the state drastically cut the portion it was supposed to cover. Again it was declared unconstitutional to charge a fee and now we have overcrowded buses. Our state also decided districts should not have any other options for trying to raise funds through property taxes – they switched the general education fund to SALES tax, then placed a property tax cap ( which doesn’t really keep our property tax from going up) to lessen the amount disbursed to the other education funds ( again transportation). Oh, then our sales tax ran short and the governor had another “reason” to not fully cover promised funds for education. However, charters and privates just got a larger slice of the state funding pie. These problems are being echoed in all states – the problem is so perverse – wish we could have someone come up with something better to solve our funding problems…

      • TXAggies:

        Wow … we used to live in Overland Park KS and I went to Elem school there. I think we were in the Shawnee Mission School District ?? I went to an elementary school on Antioch Rd … Cherokee Elementary ?
        When we lived there we still had big sunflower fields behind our house .. haven’t been back there in a long time …

        • If Cherokee is the one I’m thinking of on Antioch, it’s a church now. Was closed by the district about 11 years ago (I think. I know it was before my son was born) and then bought by the 7th Day Adventists. The district and that whole area of OP has changed a lot!