Pie Near Woman, The Relaxed Homeschooler

March 13th, 2011

Hi everyone!

It’s me!

The Pie Near Woman!

I am going to take a break from my website to catch up on homeschooling my kids because I haven’t had much time over the past four years to teach them due to the amazing success of ME!  And nothing is more important to me than my punks and their education!  And if I can’t give it to them – nobody will!

Okay?

So I am going to take a little break!

But I will be back!

Love you more’n my luggage!

Love you!

So Love You!

Please promise that you will be here when I get back!

Please don’t leave me!

I am so afraid you are going to leave!

Say that you won’t leave me!

SAY IT!!!!!

SAY YOU WON’T LEAVE!!!!

Just stay right there at your computer and don’t move until I get back.

DON’T MOVE!

Just re-load my page over and over again.

Kay bye!

BYE!

I am going now!

I am leaving.

Are you still there?

Okay – that was just a test.

I am really leaving this time.

No, really.

I am going.

I am leaving.

Love you!

BYE!

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Tap, tap tap this thing on?

Hey everyone!

It’s me Pie Near Woman!

I’m back from my homeschooling break!

I know!

You almost gave up on me didn’t you!

BUT HERE I AM!!!!

I SO MISSED YOU!

AND I SO MISSED ME TELLING YOU HOW AWESOME I AM SO YOU COULD TELL ME HOW AWESOME I AM TOO!!!!!

It’s like a circle isn’t it?

The circles of my life!

We keep circling back to the circles of my life don’t we?

Did you miss me while I was gone?

But sometimes a little time apart can be a good thing.

Because guess what!

While I was gone I totally remembered how awesome I am at homeschooling!

OMG!

I am SO, so, so, so, SO,SO, SO, AWESOME AT HOMESCHOOLING!

So I dashed off a quick list of how to be an amazing homeschooler like me!

Enjoy!!!!

1.  Only Homeschool your kids when you FEEL like it!  And mostly I don’t feel like it because my children are not very good at continually stoking my ego like you guys are plus I am not type A!  But everyone has to do unpleasant things once in a while.  For instance – one time, I threw up all over my flowy top and then I had to wear it on the Paula Deen show!  I smelled pretty awful.  That’s why Paula is standing so far away from me.

2. Shopping! I love shopping!  Fortunately for me, homeschooling is mostly about shopping!  Markers, gel pens, and cute little metal organizer bins with chalk board labels from Pottery Barn Kids!  And bunk beds and dressers and armoires from Maine Cottage!  And vintage style desks, and chairs and sofas from Restoration Hardware!  And the most amazing table linens from Crate and Barrel! And cookware from William Sonoma!  Don’t even get me started on the light fixtures from PB Teen!  Not to mention the jewelry and baby items from Etsy!  Shopping is absolutely critical to my homeschooling success.

3. Purity. One of the biggest reasons that I home-school the punks is to keep them pure and untainted from all the satanic influences in the public schools.  Instead of teaching them about evolution (or as I like to call it, EVILution) we sit down at the TV and watch a marathon of The Real Housewives of Orange County together!  And then we watch American Chopper!  And then we watch The Bachelor!  You should see how pure my kids are! They literally look like they are made of marble and their eyes glow with what can only be described as evangelical fanaticism!

4. Latin. I teach my kids Latin because this is the language of the Pope and also of Jesus and also of all the illegals.  Teaching my kids Latin will enable them to speak to their own illegals someday.  Also – they will be able to talk to God in His native tongue.


5. Blogging! I mostly home-school because it helps my brand.  If you are ever in the market for people who will believe anything you tell them – look no further than Chreeschin home-schoolers!  Holy Shiites!  All you have to do is tell them that you home-school your punks, bake something with butter in it, mention going to church or prayer or something holy-ish sounding, talk a lot about how much you love your husband and how badly you want another baby and then give them a chance to win a fancy mixer!  You know that bible verse where Jesus said something about sheep being the dumbest animals of all time?  He was not even joking!

Besides!

I love helping!

In my own quiet way.

Helping, Caring and Finding contentment – this is the essence of me.

Like I always tell my kids…

Don’t you dare grow up on me you sweet little punkin heads!

Because mommy has in no way prepared you for the real world!

Love ya more than my pie nie diddly widdly doo dah day!

Pie Near

Comments

  • Stella:

    I almost had a “pee in my pants” moment.

    ..Stella..

  • Lacey:

    Fantastic!

  • Nanbriar:

    Thank you! It takes a lot to make me laugh – I am so glad you blog.

  • If I say I like this and that you’re funny, no doubt I’ll be accused of being a ‘sheeple’. But whatever, I do like this! And you are funny!

  • Teri:

    Just the laugh I needed this morning.

    I think you’re my hero.

  • NANCY H:

    You are one talented woman, you should be writing for a sit-com or SNL.

    • Maureen:

      I agree-she should be a writer for SNL!

  • LOL

    Where do you get the clothes?
    Those orange boots are hysterical!

    Lori

  • spinny:

    Instead of teaching them about evolution (or as I like to call it, EVILution) we sit down at the TV and watch a marathon of The Real Housewives of Orange County together! And then we watch American Chopper! And then we watch The Bachelor! You should see how pure my kids are!

    Don’t forget Intervention.

    I have often marveled at this side of PW. For someone who proclaims to be a Christian, she sure seems to thrive on the misery of others. That’s what those shows always feel like to me. Glamorizing misery.

    The Real Housewives bitch and fight all the time, American Chopper is a family in turmoil and it is just sad, I really don’t need to re-hash the craziness and in-fighting of the Bachelor. And then there’s Intervention which I’ve seen her talk about being addicted to (bitch) — sorry to steal your gig, Rechelle. Really? Intervention? A show based solely and completely on the utter misery of people suffering from addiction.

    Apparently, Phillipians 4:8 isn’t in the Pioneer Woman bible:

    “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”

    • susan:

      spinny:

      i have marvelled at the absolute CRAP she watches!! and when she mentioned she and her girls watching that drivel about the spoiled, narcissistic housewives?!?!? what a waste of time….

    • spinny:

      BTW

      I just wanted to point out that it annoys me that I could type that bible verse from memory without needing to look it up. Why does my brain still retain useless information?

      • Rechelle:

        Surely there is literary value in being able to quote bible verses verbatim. All the great books intone scripture in some way or another! I am trying to put a positive spin on this – am I trying too hard????

  • LOL! (Latin OH Latin)

    That did me in……

  • Those “circles of my life” had me rolling!

  • Angie D:

    Oh Rechelle, you made me laugh so hard that I made pig noises-oink-oink and my dogs started barking! The big Ken head on the little boy is just too much!!!

    • Stella:

      When I see it, I think of her lactating and feeling MM. Why is that?

      muahahahahha.

      ..Stella..

      • Stella:

        feeling should read FEEDING!!!

        hahahaa

        That makes it even funnier!!!

        ..Stella..

        • Angie D:

          Gee thanks Stella! Now that’s a nasty picture I can’t get out of my head…*disturbed shudder*…make it stop!!! ;)

          • Stella:

            Muahahaha.

  • frenchfille:

    Just found your blog today – I die! I love how her facial expression seems to change to fit each scenario. You are brilliant.

  • ROFL…I think that is what they call ‘unschooling’. too funny!

  • Suz:

    one of your best!

  • ADoyle:

    Thanks for the laughs!

  • Reeformed Addict:

    I read everything you wrote in this post, but it was the wanting another baby part that made me unable to resist commenting. The baby bit. Can she please STFU about having another baby. Either have one, or don’t… either way… get a grip! And get over it! Thanks for letting me vent that.

  • The Ken head on the little body just kills me! I like how you call them Chreeschins! Too funny!

  • Mindy:

    lol This was the best Pie Near Woman yet! I’ve never even been to the PW website, so I often feel like I’m on the outside of an inside joke, but this one really tickled me.

    • WVKay:

      You really need to visit. It will put all Pie Near Woman posts in perspective. They are spot on.

  • Shay in NZ:

    Oh Rechelle, you’re Reetarded. And I say that with love.

    ; )

  • The Marlboro Woman:

    Priceless Rechelle, you’re sheer genius. The advertisers should be tripping over themselves for space on your site, not REEzilla’s.

  • I think my favorite part was where you called the offspring, punks:) but the plastcized Lucy/Barbie runs a super close second!:) ROFLMAO!:)

  • Betsy:

    So I have to ask did you become a vegetarian so YOU wouldn’t be supporting the Drummonds? I’m assuming you still feed your family beef, how far can you research to make sure the beef your feeding your guys doesn’t come from them?

    • Rechelle:

      We are lucky to be able to buy most of our beef from a local rancher, but I became a vegetarian after watching a few documentaries on the meat industry and reading a few books – not because of the Drummonds. I also just wanted to see if I could do it.

  • rozdabiker:

    Rechelle,….are u aware that Google has placed a homeschooling ad on the side banner of your website? My jaw dropped in amazement when I saw it.

    • Rechelle:

      I missed that ad dang it!

  • Emjay:

    That’s bREElliant. You crack me up.

  • Maureen:

    Unbelievable..love the part about throwing up on the blouse-that is what it looked like!

    I know you won’t like this but I adore you! :-)

  • Monica:

    These just keep getting better ‘n better.
    By the way, I was in my local Target store yesterday and noticed that someone had move all of her “Black Heels” books to the Fiction section.
    You weren’t by chance in Ann Arbor yesterday, were you?

  • Rechelle, these are so funny. I wish you would make a whole separate parody site called Pienearwoman.com with a homeschooling section, a cooking section and a confession section. I find that I have room in my life for both this site (your brilliant perspective) and Ree’s site, which I just can’t turn away from, the same way I have to flip through my Victoria’s Secret catalogue whenever it comes in the mail. It’s not real but it’s purty!

    Your satiric take on it is pure gold. A vital component to the mom blog phenom. Bravo.

    • susan:

      what a great idea emmasmom!!! though it would require so much of Rechelle’s time and energy, and if she were to try to keep us abreast of her other interests also I think she would take a permanent mental vacation. i too eagerly to hear and see on a daily basis what she is up to.

      But then, Kansas State played last night and will again play this Saturday in March Madness so maybe she and her family attention is elsewhere!

    • susan:

      that was interesting Ladd. though is truth I have a lead foot right here in Houston so can understand going from A to B the fastest way. the arrogance was a bit disconcerting though. thanks for that link.

  • Amy:

    My fave part was about pie neer throwing up onnher blouse and then wearing it on Paula deen. Snerk.

  • Hi, Lily the one-eyed Cat from Australia here.

    I got bumped by Pioneer Woman! I’ve only been blogging a week and it was my very first comment anywhere, ever. Left a comment on Cappuccino and the Kitty … no, not critical, I didn’t point out that caffeine is not the best thing for a Cat’s health. I simply said that I had experienced a little trouble with my line of vision when I first lost my eye and would pick food out of the bowl and eat it off my paw.

    It didn’t appear. That really made my tail fly up so I commented again asking was reference to a disabled Cat too Yuk for such a sanitized site. I was cranky by now and got a bit carried away and asked should I register the domain “Pioneer Woman’s disabled Cat prejudice”.

    O.K., I probably should have shown more restraint but even this didn’t prompt my innocuous little comment being approved. So, I made a final comment “… still waiting.”

    Ah, well, such is the life of a new blogger. I’ll just go and amuse myself by doing some tail flick abstract art on a mixer.

    Love you more’n my litter.

    Lily

    • LP:

      This cracked me up. In particular, the phrase “made my tail fly up.” In Alabama, we say something “just went up the back of my neck” or if you’re in less polite circles, it “chapped my ass.”

      I’ve had even less offensive (not that your comment was in the least offensive) comments deleted from PW’s site. No matter what other things Rechelle does/says that “go up the back of my neck”, she leaves (almost) all comments there for all to see and comment (attack?) on.

  • My tail is drooping like a Dandelion having gone through a wind storm. I’m embarrassed and feel like a bully. Pioneer Woman published my comment, No 546 … better late than never.

    DON’T CLICK. Take my word for it.

    I’ve written a Letter of Apology.

    Dear Pioneer Woman Mods,

    I’m so sorry for my lapse of judgement when attempting my first ever (I mean first ever, anywhere) comment on Pioneer Woman. I also apologize for allowing my comments to sink so low that I accused you of being prejudiced against one-eyed Cats. Worse, I may have even used the words disabled Australian Cats. It was very poor behaviour and there’s no excuse. I can’t even blame youthful exuberance because I’m not in the bloom of youth. Let’s put it this way, if Kitty and I were an item it would definitely be a Cougar relationship.

    When my Comment didn‘t appear I studied all prior ones and wrongfully assumed that my pithy little comment on how I coped when I first lost my eye didn’t compare well with the mass sycophantic Kitty adoration and I was “bumped”. I also wrongfully assumed that my comment would have stood out like the proverbials – a Yukky moment of realism that needed sanitizing with hospital grade bleach, in other words hit the Trash button. I’m so new to blogging that my own Blog has only received one Comment (excluding Spam) after 7 Posts, so I had no idea how long it would take to approve so many Comments. I’ve learned the hard way … daaaays. I promise in future I won’t allow my tail fly up with such reckless haste. However, please assure Kitty if ever he wishes to comment on my Blog (www.lifewithlily.com) to explain his lack of a tail he’ll be most welcome. His Comment will be approved within 10 minutes.

    Kitty is a nice looking, cuddly, Cat, a bit boofy around the jowls being a Tom or, hopefully by now, a Tomette. Forgive me, but it is beyond my comprehension that 500+ people can comment on Kitty’s OOOOHHH factor with so much drivel. It’s almost as if there is a recipe. Lots of Oohs, Aahs, Tooo Cute, Aww, OMG. Do you pay someone to write a variation of the same theme under different names? As a new blogger, these are things I need to learn.

    I’m ashamed to say that I was prepared to put our bad start behind us by denying I only had one eye in any other Comments I made on Pioneer Woman in order to get published, further adding to my list of recent personal failings. My lovely gravatar is so small you’d barely know. What the heck, it’s only a teensy thing to overlook, I thought … a 50% fib if you like. But, that’s not keeping it real and neither of us would want that.

    Not so long ago Pioneer Woman wrote, “I don’t even know if anyone reads this silly little blog of mine.” At the time I didn’t have the first clue about blogging but, guess what, now I do and there’s a nifty little gizmo called Google Analytics. You should open an account, you’ll love it. I’ve only been blogging for a little over a week and I’m already getting over 100 hits a day. I’m sure you’re getting heaps more, but at least you’ll know the numbers and will be just as excited as I am every morning at 6 a.m. when I open up the Dashboard. Would you believe Georgia is currently the most popular State for my readers in the U.S.? Which is your most popular State? … we could share stats … what do you think?

    Your new (hopefully forever on the Approve button) friend, Lily.

  • Stella:

    Well Lily, whilst you were licking her ass, I hope you were giving her the rough side of your tongue!!!

    ..Stella..

    • Be assured I am very thorough when it comes to personal hygiene, Stella. However, I prefer the words bottom or backside. Ass (or as the Poms and Aussies say, Arse) is a little too common for my liking.

  • melissa:

    viewing these Pie Near Woman sketches are a little like watching Charlie Sheen recently – funny in a somewhat horrifying ridiculous way. You want to stop but can’t – and neither can he (or Rechelle)

    • Rechelle:

      Is Charlie Sheen making fun of Pioneer Woman too?

      • nomorebutter:

        That just made me choke! Too funny!

    • Ann:

      I’ve been thinking the same thing – they are very similar. Charlie/Recsheen. Perhaps, they are related.