Pie Near Woman Haiku!

March 3rd, 2011

I am a dumbass
I can’t seem to make it stop
Somebody send help

I love flowy tops
Angel sleeves set me afire
At the kitchen range

Get a manicure
Talk about it for three weeks
Nothing else matters

Egypt might be free
But they probably don’t get
Big subsidy checks

If MM dies young
Mu’ammar Ghaddafi
Appeals to me much

When I can’t find words
There is always lactation
And my husband’s ass

I write children’s books,
Cookbooks and romance novels
They are all pure crap

Photo-shop is my lover
He makes my kids look perfect
Way better than yours

Dogs are my whole life
Because my children loathe me
And my husband too

A word that best describes me
Also narcissist

My hoo haw vibrates
Whenever Trisha Yearwood
Calls me ginger girl

Reasons I home-school
The trip to town takes too long
Poor people scare me

Have you seen my dog?
Maybe I ran over him?
Surely not again


  • Melinda:

    So simple haikus
    Might be easy to create
    Forgive and move on for you

    • Rechelle:

      So sorry I am
      Pie Near Woman is too fun
      Me no want to stop

    • REEflux:

      Sockpuppets are nitwits
      R is for REEvolting
      Keeping it real she can’t

      Merely a *burp* away,

    • poppy:

      Yo! Meinda!

      you forgot to get
      your hiney tingle because
      you’re first to comment

      (Anyway, it’s 5-7-5! Not so simple, eh?)

    • The Marlboro Woman:

      I want my Charlie
      To dump on people like you
      Does Ree pay you well?

  • REEflux:

    Holy Cow! I think this post is a masterpiece. I can’t stop laughing.
    Shit. It is hysterical …
    Thanks sharing your creativity…do you want me to ship you a skid of butter? Hate that ya got to waste it and all….

    Merely a *burp* away,

  • Anon.:

    The last one is perfect! hahahahaha Good job, Rechelle.

    • Maureen:

      You are absolutely brillant.


      My fav is the line “poor people scare me”". Made my hiney lactate!

      • Lindsay:

        Hello, I am Ree
        Self-deprecting humor
        Is my specialty

        Watch as I downplay
        The astounding wealth we have
        It’s really nothing

        But help me Rhonda
        For my simple lodge re-do
        Please help me choose paint

        I’ll not rest until
        I’ve been to every Borders
        On God’s great gREEn earth

        Get your picture took
        With me in my flowy top
        Checks made out to me!

  • Natalie:

    Wow this is brilliant
    Pie Near haikus make me laugh
    I love you rechelle

    Totally digging on the “poor people scare me” line.

  • ADoyle:

    The “Poor people scare me” line is brilliant!

  • JustPeachy:

    Rechelle, these are freaking priceless! Your wit is as sharp as a tack… I love it. Thank you for this morning’s laughfest.

  • J:

    Hilarious. the last Haiku… priceless. “Poor people scare me” is spot on and as others have stated, brilliant.

  • OMG, this is hysterical!

    Thank you for laughs!
    I needed it this morning
    Thursdays are hard!

  • Priss:

    There should be money
    to be made from our delight!
    A donate button?

  • Mo:

    Pie Near Woman’s new
    Matches STUNNING boots!

  • Rechelle:

    The forum at Pioneer Woman Sux also has some excellent PW haikus under the category A PWS creative writing assignment. Here’s a link – http://www.thepioneerwomansux.com/board/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=60

  • I love to laugh until I cry. The quilt picture had me weeping. That Indian!!! Was Trisha under the covers?

  • lolol –the manicure! You nailed it!
    “Nothing else matters”

  • susan:

    Your imagination and wit truly astounds me Rechelle. Brilliant. I thought her detailed nail polish remover was rediculous. What next? Details on how to clip toe nails, feet callouses and chin hairs?

  • The photo with all the body parts is freakin funny! And then the poor people scare me line…killer!

  • Where is Tia-Juana?
    Hidden from view in the basement?
    Tell-all book coming soon?

  • I'm Rhonda, and I'm here to help:

    Butter clogs your heart
    His ass looks stupid in chaps

    I adore you, Rechelle.

  • Pound of butter- $3.00
    Shellac nails-$40.00
    Never worn flowy top-$300.00
    Pie Neer Woman by Rachelle -PRICELESS!

  • NCme:

    Though haters you have
    Nobody does it better
    Rechelle rules haiku

  • poppy:

    Ode to Rechelle:
    across the smoky
    bar she radiates wisdom
    and glitters with truth

  • Irma:

    Marry me.

  • Kris:

    Boy Rechelle… you are a hateful, an obviously jealous (adjective
    1. feeling resentment against someone because of that person’s rivalry, success, or advantages) person. It’s your blog, so you are free to express your opinions, but it cracks me up that you “spam” comments if they are a direct personal attack, which is what you seem to spend quite a lot of time and energy doing about Pioneer Woman. You’re readers may be thoughtful, hilarious and insightful, but you certainly don’t come across that way.
    Have a nice day!

    • Rechelle:

      Thanks for that definition Kris. I had no idea!

      • So, this means Rechelle’s site is educational, what with the definitions and all. Way to go, Rechelle!

    • Well isn’t that special! [/churchlady] It seems you don’t get it, Kris. Rechelle isn’t attacking Ree Drummond so much as she’s skewing the ‘Pioneer Woman’ brand. Pioneer Woman isn’t a real person, I’ve likened her to Betty Crocker- she’s a made up mascot and nothing more. And it’s a brand that deserves to be skewed. And, so far, Rechelle hasn’t deleted your comment in which you call her ‘hateful and jealous’, two standard Ree-bot replies when they feel someone has attacked their sainted leader. Oh, the sweater that could be knitted from the shorn wool of the PW sheeple! Too bad nobody would ever get a thank you if they sent it to gREEd, though.

      Have a nice day! :)

    • Kait:

      You are a boob. Go away. If she killed direct personal attacks yours would be gone. Therefore you are a boob. A LACTATING BOOB. Go back to reeland.

    • Kris – We all laugh at the word jealous! ROFLMAO! Anyone intelligent knows that the word jealous in a comment means a lame person. You are really very simple. Just go back to gREEd. She is going to need you. gREEd has such a simple blog for you to follow. We are much to sharp for the likes of you! Poor Kris!

    • The Marlboro Woman:

      @ Kris

      A comment like yours would have been summarily deleted by REEzilla’s censors. Keep in mind, Rechelle did NOT have to approve your inane drivel.

  • Kim K. in Western PA:

    Umm, I (I’m blushing) my hoo haw vibrated while I was laughing at your post.

  • EJS:

    I am late for the party but here it goes……

    Click…always looking
    Nothing ever new is there
    More money for Ree

    Love you guys more’n my backpack!!!!

  • Joel Wheeler:

    I love M.M.’s ass
    I’ll bake a cake in its shape
    and frost it with chaps

  • I feel sorry for Charlie
    Good Luck Charlie
    Charlie is on his own:(

  • Reeformed Addict:

    Your Pie Near posts make me feel not so alone in this world. Her recent manicure and haiku posts… just embarrassing. wth!

    Kris: I shared your sentiments for about a minute. But I have SEEN the light! lol

  • michelle:

    I can always count on you for a good laugh after a hard day at work and you did not dissapoint with this episode of Pie Near Woman!!!! Thank you Rechelle for entertaining me again and I have to say since reading your blog i very rarely go to hers anymore as i just cant be bothered but i am just curious as to know does she get a lot of publicity over there(USA) as over here(Australia) have never heard of her and to be honest she seems like she would be really full of herself.

    • Rechelle:

      She’s made the morning talk show circuit several times now. Her publicist works over time getting that girl on air. She generally comes across as a simpleton on television saying the same things over and over again. Her mind seems to run in loops.

      • michelle:

        Thanks for that thank god we dont get her here!!!!! She is so selfish and boring i wonder how much they give to the communities that need it?? Her and her family are just so greedy and i dont know why she keeps flogging her husbands ass as its not that great!!!!!

        • Reeformed Addict:

          OMG, thank you!!! I don’t think his ass is great either!! Or his biceps, or his friggin monkey butt goatee!! WHEW!!!

  • TXAggies:

    You’re killing me, Rechelle … the Manicure … the angel sleeves afire … the Indian !! haa hah

    Here’s my late donation -

    Ree shows recipes
    We have all seen them before
    But she makes the money

  • TXAggies:

    oops let me try that again -

    Ree shows recipes
    We have all seen them before
    She makes the money

  • TXAggies:


    Photos are my life
    I take them all day long now
    Have you seen my kids?

    • Priss:

      Love that one!

  • TXAggies:


    Even on my trips
    I can still home school my punks
    I am Amazing

  • The Marlboro Woman:

    Purty and priceless
    Rechelle has done it again
    Exposed PW’s fraud

    • Priss:

      And that :-D

  • km:

    from my deck of cards
    I shuffle, dogs, ass, chaps,and
    horse,lactate, profit

  • Lily:


  • Absolutely your best work yet……

  • yay:

    I call this one “How to Cook”

    Butter bacon cream
    Shredded cheese and store bought beef.
    Amen. That is all.

  • Ruth:

    I think you need to start equally picking on Dooce. She has made way more money than ree and that’s all they do is BLOG!

    • Jennine:


      I get the sense that Dooce is genuine and authentic. Ree is anything but genuine, misrepresents herself and her “pioneer life” and can’t write her way out of a bag.

      It’s comparing apples to oranges.

  • beth:

    I am absolutely delighted with your haiku, find you to be a comic genius and love, love , love your ….mind.
    Buttery delights
    sink into my readers thighs
    not a brain have I.