Pie Near Woman and the No Fly Zone

March 10th, 2011

I am absolutely terrified of flying.

I won’t!

You can’t make me.

I can’t!

I am shaking in my $300.00 Frye boots!

And also in my other pair of $300.00 Frye boots!

And also in my other pair of $300.00 Frye boots!!

That’s like $900.00 dollars of boots!

OMG!

I am so weeping!

And shivering!

And weeping!

I am sweating buckets of blood just like Jesus did when he flew off that cross at Calvary.

I used to fly all the time.

Hilton Head, New York City, L.A., Australia…

But then I got afraid.

And then I got even more afraid.

And scared

And afraid.

And scared.

And more afraid.


.

.

Does my fear of flying keep me from boarding an airplane and traveling all over the US?

Lawsie Mercy NO!

Does it make me sound like I have no brain!

Help me Rhonda YES!!!!

What were we talking about?

Oh yes – The No Fly Zone in Libya!

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.

.

I am for it.

Because I want to appeal to all the Libyan people and get more Libyan readers!

But I am also against it.

Because Muammar Ghadaffi reads my blog.

Hi Muammar!

But I am also for the No Fly Zone – because helping!


.


.

.

.

But I am also against it because my religious homeschooling militia group doesn’t believe in big government.

But I am for it because my homeschooling militia group could totally sell arms to the rebels for such an amazing fundraiser!

But I am also against it because our homeschooling militia group needs those arms to protect our children from the public schools.

But I am for it because it goes with my irrational fear of flying.

But I am against it because it goes with my irrational fear of being rational.

But I am for it because being for something is positive and upbeat and that is what I am all about!

,

,


.

.But I am totally against it if you are!

But I am so for it if you are too!

In general – I say ‘no fly’ if it makes people adore you for keeping it real.

And then I say ‘fly’ if it involves hundreds of people waiting in line for your autograph!

I love politics!

Wonderfully Awful,

Pie Near



Comments

  • annmarie:

    Yay…two for one today! You are funny. That’s it. I can’t think of anything better to say than that – and thanks for the laughs. Very much enjoyed these last two posts.

  • Kay in KCMO:

    But I am also for the No Fly Zone – because helping!

    I snorted. Loudly.

  • lawsymercy:

    “But I am also for the No Fly Zone – because helping!” HAHAHA!!! I love that. Thanks!

  • Wee Wee:

    Hi Rechelle,
    I love the pair of $300 Frye boots, another pair of $300 Frye boots, and yet another pair of $300 Frye boots! Hey, you forgot to mention that they are all the SAME style (i.e. Frye Jane), but in EVERY color that they are manufactured. Not like there’s anything weird about that — doesn’t everyone buy the same style of shoes in every possible color if they just so happen to like that particular style of shoes…even if the shoes are $300 a pair?

    Also, BTW, the other day, I ran across this photo of PW:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/mattschoenholz/2664670306/in/set-72157606141102766/

    Notice PW’s sweater… It’s a Missoni sweater. They usually sell for approximately $600. Anyway, I thought I’d just share that photo with you of PW “just keepin’ it real” as usual down home on the ranch. Err..actually, I think this photo was taken at her dad’s house; but you get the picture.

    • Shay in NZ:

      Heh heh, shouldn’t that be a “No Frye Zone” ? ;)

      Also Wee Wee, that pic folder had one or two of PWs girls looking SHOCK HORROR normal. They’re nice looking kids without the PW Alien Photoshop Actions

      • Rechelle:

        Dang it Shay! That’s brilliant! I need to start writing these by committee.

    • lawsymercy:

      I think if I spent $600 on a sweater I’d expect to look good in it.

      • TXAggies:

        Was just thinking the SAME thing … I’ve seen cuter stuff at Target !

        and, she looks FAT … or is it the sweater ? No, I think she’s just FAT.

      • Lindsay:

        HILARIOUS

    • Jessie S.:

      She looks like Wetsy’s mom in that picture.

  • poppy:

    YOUR BOKEH IS FAB!

  • I guess I’m the only dumbass left on the planet who doesn’t know who Pioneer Woman is. Even so, I think these Pie Near Woman posts are ingenious!

    • Rechelle:

      Thank you D’Ma and do yourself a favor and stay out of the PW tractor beam.

    • Nope, I’m a dumbass, too. I’d never heard of her either until I found Rechelle’s blog by random googling one day.

      I confess I’ve been over to PW a few times now, and I’m not all that impressed. It’s too freakin’ hard to find anything, and then when I do, I just feel, meh.

      But then, I’d much rather read something that has some teeth than the toothless drivel she serves up. It’s a mystery to me why she’s so popular, but then, I don’t understand how Fox News still exists either. I guess some things just aren’t meant to be understood. :)

      • I too never heard of her until I found this place and saw the barbie doll posts a few months ago. Hilarious!

  • the editor:

    Winning!

  • Sue from UK:

    Fabulous, as usual.

    I’m going totally OT here to send you alink for an interview with your Moss.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/8374530/Richard-Ayoade-Hidden-depths-of-the-bashful-filmmaker.html

  • Judy M. from Catonsville:

    You know what I don’t get? If you cannot stand PW, why do all your readers read her blog. And why do you waste your time making fun of her? Just wondering.

    • Rechelle:

      Judy M. from Catonsville:

      Because it’s fun. Amen.

      • Judy M. from Catonsville:

        Sorry, I thought I was spammed. I wasn’t looking in the right place. And, if this is fun for you, then OK.

    • Hellen Wheels:

      Hey, making fun of the Pioneer Woman is NOT A WASTE OF TIME! It’s a calling, a career, a holy mission! AND IT”S FUN!

      So lighten up, Judy M.

    • TXAggies:

      Judy M,

      We DON’T all read her blog … some do, most don’t.

      I did read PW in the past, about the time when her cookbook came out and I thought perhaps she WAS a REAL OKIE rancher wife/mom … NOT a MILLIONAIRE Rancher’s wife and blogging empire who has hired help to do everything that she says SHE does.

      • TXAggies:

        Oh forgot the main reason – We just love to read Rechelle’s wit !

  • ‘But I am against it because it goes with my irrational fear of being rational.’
    Good one!

  • NANCY H:

    BRILLIANT !

  • Stella:

    She’s cooking with Paula Deen…….that’s why she’s in Georgia….

    http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/photo.php?fbid=10150122561168577&set=a.10150122560448577.270947.104698228576&theater

    ..Stella..

  • Remonds me of Pie Near W – http://pauladeenridingthings.com/

  • Shay in NZ actually beat me to this, sort of, but I misread it as “No Fry Zone” – and given what I understand[1] of Pie Near Woman’s method of cooking, the mere idea should be a source of profound horror to her!

    [1] Everything I know about PW, I learned here – and that mostly by accident.

  • LP:

    Oh, how I LOVE when Ree appears in some mass-media outlet or other (HELLEWWWW, Paula Deen!!), because I can be assured that there will much wailing and gnashing of teeth by Rechelle & Co.

    I got no dog in this race. I like some of Ree’s recipes and find some of her stories amusing, but I never, not even for a MOMENT, thought that she was just plain folks. Any readers that made it as far as the lodge remodel had to to be thinking “Huh. Bitch has got some MONEY.” And really now…has she ever said she just didn’t know how they were going to pay the electric bill this month, or oh, my goodness, little so-and-so needs braces – how will we EVER pay for it? Lawsy me! No, she has presented her life as it is, and if you’re too stupid to figure out that this woman has got some SERIOUS money behind her, then, well, honey, bless your heart.

    I am also a Rechelle fan, having found her through *gasp* Ree’s blog.

    Rechelle, I have got to tell you, the post you did about your husband and brother making all the noise while you were trying to sleep? I HOWLED. I forwarded it to everybody in my address book. I went back and re-read it and howled some more. Man, I miss that Rechelle.

    I read all of Rechelle’s posts (OK, disclaimer. I no longer read the Pie-Near Woman posts because they are grasping, lame, and semi-hysterical), but I most love the ones that show Rechelle’s dry wit and intelligence, not the ones that make her appear to be a bitter, envious, say-anything-for-some-attention shrew.

    Oh, and all you NON-Ree-bots? Y’all are some of the most hypocritical bitches I have ever seen. You talk about the Ree-o-phytes and their endlessly complimentary comments, then you post stuff that KISSES RECHELLE’S ASS to a point that her ass must be sorely chapped. (Side bar…I highly recommend Gold Bond lotion.) Please stop. You are embarassing yourself and all of womankind.

    • Mo:

      How brave of you to risk being called a hypocrite yourself by using a Pie Near Woman post to voice your dislike of Pie Near Woman and your opinion that pro-Rechelle commenters are hypocritical bitches.

    • Skattebol:

      It is difficult to take seriously a comment from someone who states “I got no dog in this race”.

      • LP:

        @Skattebol:
        That’s all you’ve got? Really?

        And Mo, I suggest you go back and re-read my post verrrry sloooowly. Take your time with the words that are more than two syllables.

        • Mo:

          You say you read all the posts, except for PNW posts, but that’s where you chose to state your opinion on the ass kissing orgies that happen in any post’s comments. I read what you wrote really fast as well as realllyy sllloowww like you suggested, and you still sound hypocritical to me. All you wanted to do was let everyone know you are so very superior in your taste in humor and in how you express appreciation compared to many of the commenters here. Mission accomplished, in a really bitchy way.

          Also, I think KY Jelly would have been a better suggestion. Prevents chafing from happening in the first place.

      • TXAggies:

        Excuse me, but I think she meant to say “I got no dog in this HUNT”

        leastaways, that’s how we say it down here in Texas

    • Rechelle:

      LP – I appreciate your perspective. I know that many of my longer time readers are very uncomfortable/disappointed with Pie Near Woman. But I have to tell you – I love Pie Near Woman. I love her SO MUCH. She is so much fun to write. Even though she is a satire of PW, she is also her own girl and she totally cracks me up. I just enjoy the heck out of her. I look forward to developing her more. We are going to go to a Pie Near militia/homeschool night in the near future. There will be a POT LUCK! Pot Luck Militia Night! How can you not love that??? I see Pie Near Woman as not just making fun of PW, but also commenting on lots of the weirder elements of American society. And she is much more interesting to me than writing about my own boring life. Besides, I have two teenagers (almost three) and they hate ‘being blogged’. I have to respect that and give them their privacy. Writing in a character is just much more enjoyable to me at this point in my ‘blogging’ life.

      • Emily:

        Don’t forget…chreeestian homeschoolers don’t believe in luck. It is a POT FAITH dinner.

        • Mo:

          Better stay away from the word “pot” too — COVERED DISH FAITH dinner.

  • Amy:

    Thumbs up to LP.

  • Linda:

    Middle finger up to LP.

    • LP:

      Well, of course, Linda! Because how ELSE would an educated, informed woman respond to someone who DARED to disagree?

  • Patricia:

    I swore I wouldn’t comment anymore here, although I do LOVE reading Rechelle, because she is talented and very funny. I relate to her humor. But I have to say that I agree with LP all the way – she is so right regarding the comments from the ‘non REE bots” . I always think to myself when I’m reading some of these comments that they sound like the ‘sheeples’ (I think they’re called) that follow Ree so blindly. Is no one else allowed an opinion that differs from the Rechelle “sheeples” ?

    (I sure hope I used correct grammar and spelling in my comment ! Couldi it be that some of the mistakes people make in their comments are just typo errors ? ) Let’s see how many jump down my throat now…..

    • LP:

      Patricia, don’t worry about it. When the non-Ree-bots have nothing else to fall back on, they always resort to pointing out grammatical errors, or…Lawd, help us!…making fun of colloquiallisms.

      I loved your comment so much!

      • Skattebol:

        LP,
        I was not making fun of your colloquialism. I just find it difficult to take seriously someone who uses bad grammar, whether it is is through a colloquialism or because an individual is lazy in writing.

        Regarding comments left on Rechelle’s page – if you look carefully, there are many comments in which the individuals are not kissing her ass, unlike on PW’s blog, in which 99.99% of comments are kissing PW’s ass.

        Yes, individuals have left comments on this blog stating that this post is awesome, this post is hilarious, this post is spot on (paraphrasing) – and the readers are not kissing Rechelle’s ass, but stating that they liked the particular posting. On PW’s blog, the comments posted seem to be written by a group of vapid, idiotic women who are seeking PW’s approval, without thought to what she has actually written.

        Additionally on Rechelle’s blog, there are also many comments that provide an opposing perspective, an articulate alternative perspective that are never deleted. In fact, it seems that Rechelle welcomes an alternative perspective to her thoughts, as evidenced by the display of hateful and unnecessary comments left here.

        So, LP, please shut up… Skattebol
        .

        • Nanbriar:

          I am so glad the Rechelle leaves these comments. I admit that I read Pioneer Woman – I was reading it before I started reading Rechelle and have seen it dwindle down to a I’ll show you what I have and want and get whenever I want it.

          I know that someone sure does edit PW’s blog comments because there is NEVER anything hurtful or non compliant with her opinion in her comment sections.

          After reading her blog about her youngest wanting to go “widing”: (riding) in case some of you don’t read PW.

          How could anyone not comment to her to get that child into some speech therapy at his age. I read quite a few of the comments out of personal interest and everyone thought it was so cute. Yes, I can have an opinion on that, my son just graduated from two years of speech therapy because he wanted to “wide” also, he started speech therapy at age 5. I didn’t comment on PW’s site because I knew that it would never stay in the comment field no matter what kind of advise I put in there.

          I guess I just wanted to agree with you Skattebol that if she was keeping it real – we would get to see real comments like we see with Rechelle.

        • LP:

          @ Skattebol: No, I will not, however nicely you may ask

          Your comment was contradictory in so many ways.

          Bless your heart.

    • km:

      The passive-aggressive meeting is down the hall

      • km:

        This was to Patricia:)

    • Rechelle:

      Patricia – There used to be lots of voices of dissent on this blog. Over time they have sort of disappeared although there is still some debate on various topics. There are many reasons for this. For one – I don’t think I was very good at creating a good space for debate. Many of my posts on controversial topics have been emotionally charged rather than intellectually centered. I tend to be kind of an emotional person. I would like to get better at fostering debate (more brain less emotion). I have much to learn in this regard.

      I suppose that if you weren’t aware of some of the history of this blog, the comments might sound ‘sheeple-ish’, but I think these days people are mostly just being supportive in the comments of Pie Near Woman posts. I have considered turning the comments off on Pie Near Posts to prevent sheeplish sounding comments and also to stop the occasional defense of me, which is very nice, but has happened so often that it begins to feel a mite awkward. I am not sure what to do about it all. I can’t see myself deleting comments, so I might turn them off for these posts in the future. Have I rambled on long enough about this yet? Geesh!.

      • JJ:

        Nice Rechelle – this comment gives me more insight to your “inner workings”! I know how hard it is to keep the emotion out.
        Have anymore book recommendations? Heading out for a long trip soon, more of a stressed out in-law thing than a vacation. I would appreciate something good to read while I sit on the beach, drink margaritas and try to lay as low out of sight of my mother-in-law as I can so I stay out of trouble. Anything good and light ( remember, I will be sipping margaritas) – maybe something with witty humor or sarcasm?

        • Rechelle:

          David Sedaris has a relatively new book out – a very slim volume with a collection of short stories about animals. I think you could describe it as a book of fables. It is extremely clever. Anything by Bill Bryson makes me laugh. I loved The Anglo Files by Sarah Lyall – a book about an American adjusting to life in England. Racking brain, racking brain – I can’t think of any funny books! Everything I have been reading lately has a serious agenda. I need to get a funny book too! Good luck with hiding from your mother-in-law on the beach.

      • I love Pie Near Woman! She is hysterical! She pokes fun at so many topics, not just PW. I will admit, I hate reading the comments of them though. I get that everyone has an opinion and all that, it’s just that they’re FUN posts, satire man! If you can’t laugh it off, agree or not, then you need to get a grip. It’s all in fun.

    • Rechelle:

      Patricia – on typos – I don’t mind typos at all. Shoot fire! I am full of typos myself. I only comment on them when the person who has left a typo-ridden comment has said something spectacularly stupid (at least according to me.) This would go back to the emotionally charged essence of me.

  • Amy:

    Thumbs down to Linda’s middle finger up

  • AnnB:

    LP — yes,yes,yes. (dog-less also).

  • Ann:

    Yay LP! I’ve always heard the “dog phrase” as in the race or in the fight.

    @TXAggies: I’m a Texan & an Aggie mom…your comments are your own. However, they don’t show the true “Spirit of Aggieland” – quite the opposite.

    • TXAggies:

      Yes indeed, my comments ARE my own … and, yours are YOURS

      I don’t know what comment might have offended your Aggie sensibilities … ? Was it the one about her strange sweater or her looking a bit “fat” … only being Truthful my dear

      and Aggies are Truthful, at least most of us are … and I don’t believe PW is an Aggie, so I don’t owe her any Aggie allegiance

      But you go right ahead dear

  • Stella:

    Quite frankly, I get a hoot out of EVERYTHING written here. And I can’t agree or disagree with anyone. There are a lot of valid points here.

    But I will probably continue with my snide little comments every now and then………..after all, I am only human.

    ..Stella..

  • Thanks Rechelle, I’ve enjoyed every post and enjoyed the comments. I followed PW for awhile because my MIL gave me the cookbook, unfortunately, my youngest is an avid vegetarian, we are Unitarians, yet home schoolers, we try to be as green as possible and are progressive to our bones. So after awhile the things she wrote started to ring false. When you give an impression that your life is a certain way in order to “comfort” your readers than in essence you are being false. I’m probably over educated, considering my lack of understanding of some things, but from reading her blog, I assumed that her husband was an average struggling rancher, working with his family, marrying a city girl who knew nothing about ranching at all and that she got up every morning with him, raised his children, cleaned their house, did their laundry, worked on the ranch (to a certain degree) and then home schooled all four kids.
    I’ve Les Miserable. I teach chemistry. I’m not stupid. I understand English. I tell my daughters, ” withholding the facts is as bad as not telling the truth because in the end, either way I will come to the same conclusion.” They know that. I know that. Why don’t PW’s readers understand that?
    Oh and my husband and I were charismatic, evangelicals who became atheists. Good luck on your journey. We will be following you.

  • Patricia:

    km : was I not aggressive enough for you? It’s not in my nature to be aggressive, but next time I’ll add “bitch” at the end of my comment….
    1 passive-aggressive definition
    Function: adj
    : being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive way (as through procrastination, stubbornness, and unwillingness to communicate) passive-aggressive personality>
    passive-aggressively Function: adv

  • LP:

    This is all more fun that I could possibly have imagined.

    I do enjoy a civil (usually) debate.