Browsing Archives for March 2011

I really like being a vegetarian.  It makes me feel special.  Like I am a special breed of human.  Like there is the more standard meat-eating variety of human and then there is the unique hybrid variety known as vegetarians.  As opposed to the ‘standard meat-eaters’ who enter the world via their mother’s bloody birth canal, vegetarians are grown in greenhouses by people wearing straw hats and peasant blouses.  These blouses are embroidered in a pleasing array of brightly colored Native American designs and a variety of turquoise and beaten silver jewelry completes the look.  Everyone plays the guitar and excels at interpretive dance.  There are frequent flower festivals and workshops on wild crafting.  It is not unusual to speak Gaelic and wax poetic on the sighting of a bird on a wing.  Picnic baskets abound.  I can only imagine how incredibly unique a vegan must feel and what their greenhouse workers wear!

I bought some tofu to try out, but so far the quavering white substances only adorns the shelf of my fridge.  Does bean curd have an expiration date?  I have no idea how to cook it.  I found a recipe for tofu cutlets in mushroom gravy, but that seemed strangely meaty to me.  Should I really be trying to make tofu resemble chicken fried steak?  Doesn’t that kind of make me seem like a wannabe meat eater?  Personally – I think trying to make vegetarian fare resemble meat is a strange approach to giving up animal flesh.  Seriously!  If you were a cow, would it make you feel that much better that your vegetarian neighbor kept right on eating food that looked like a ground up version of yourself?  In the aisles of the organic/health/vegetarian food stuffs at the grocery store, I have discovered an enormous range of products that try to make tofu look and taste like meat.  Tofu dogs, tofu burgers, tofu bacon, tofurkey… I picked up a tube of tofu sausage and stared at it for a long, long time.

“Should I buy this fake sausage?  Should I take it home and fry up little patties of processed bean curd and vegetable protein made to look and taste like pig flesh?  Is this what vegetarians do?  Will this fake sausage bring my family closer together?  Will it make my dreams come true?”

The fake sausage had all sorts of warnings on it like ‘only eat this fake sausage product while it is extra hot or it is going to taste like crap‘ and ‘don’t even think about eating this in the vicinity of real sausage as you will instantly become a meat eater again‘.  I decided to not buy the fake sausage.

So far I haven’t bought any of the prepared vegetarian fare.  It’s amazing what is available.  Frozen dinners, pizzas, breaded cutlets that look just like chicken patties, lasagna, stir frys, curries, burritos!  Pretty much anything you can get in the ‘standard meat eaters’ frozen food aisle, you can also get in the ‘special hybrid vegetarian’ aisle.  Except all the vegetarian prepared food has an ethnic flair.  Instead of chicken pot pie, vegetarians get coconut rice and dahl pot pie which makes you feel strangely empty inside.  You can almost hear the food developers saying…

“Those poor meatless bastards.  They can’t eat chicken pot pie anymore.  I know! -Lets’ put some coconut milk and curry sauce on top of these miniscule amounts of chopped vegetables and rice and see if that makes them feel better.”

And then there’s the packaging in all that prepared food.

Never fear – I still buy plenty of packaged food items.  Although I have evolved into something of a compulsive obsessive recycler since I became an atheist.  Recycling helps me to fill up the god shaped hole.  Presently, we recycle cardboard, tin cans, aluminum, milk jugs, plastic bottles, glass and several other items reducing our kitchen waste significantly.  Still – I can’t imagine a vegetarian stocking up on prepared food.  It doesn’t go together to me.  Making a bean burrito from scratch just isn’t that hard.  Frozen rice and veggies?  Really?  That takes like twenty minutes to make.  I guess I have tried a few of the prepared vegetarian soups and they have been really good.  I eat them for lunch sometimes when I can’t be bothered to make a bean burrito from scratch.  I also have easily eaten my weight in prepared hummus since I became a vegetarian, so I guess I need to shut up about the whole food packaging thing.  I am not exactly milking a cow and making my own cheese am I.

The Hills Are Alive…

March 3rd, 2011

With the sound of MOOOOOOOSIC!

Pie Near Woman Haiku!

March 3rd, 2011


I am a dumbass
I can’t seem to make it stop
Somebody send help


I love flowy tops
Angel sleeves set me afire
At the kitchen range

Get a manicure
Talk about it for three weeks
Nothing else matters

Egypt might be free
But they probably don’t get
Big subsidy checks

If MM dies young
Mu’ammar Ghaddafi
Appeals to me much


When I can’t find words
There is always lactation
And my husband’s ass


I write children’s books,
Cookbooks and romance novels
They are all pure crap

Photo-shop is my lover
He makes my kids look perfect
Way better than yours


Dogs are my whole life
Because my children loathe me
And my husband too


Manipulation
A word that best describes me
Also narcissist

My hoo haw vibrates
Whenever Trisha Yearwood
Calls me ginger girl

Reasons I home-school
The trip to town takes too long
Poor people scare me


Have you seen my dog?
Maybe I ran over him?
Surely not again