A Plague of Girls

March 7th, 2011

Suddenly and without any pre-apocalyptic warnings, my house is flooded with a plague of girls. They drip from the faucets. They are piled up in heaps in the corners of every room. They cling to my ceilings in silvery webs. I open a drawer – girls. I open a closet – girls. Yesterday, as I was unloading the dishwasher, three girls crawled out and scurried for cover behind the fridge. My question for you internet, is this. Where are the girls coming from and how do I get rid of them? Is there a pesticide? A relatively humane trap that will catch them and relocate them to some other house? Because I am not ready for this. I have grown accustomed to being the only female in this house and I want to keep it that way for just a tiny bit longer – like maybe ten more years.

And another thing – is the last minute shouted warning as they walk out of the house to attend boy/girl functions of ‘NO SEX! NO DRUGS!! NO ROCK AND ROLL!!!’ enough to keep my kids chaste and without offspring during this ‘awakening’ period of their lives? Or should I just pack them up and send them to BYU? Although, I don’t think my kids would do very well at BYU. Not because they couldn’t handle the honor code, but because they love basketball and they wouldn’t want to go to a school that kicks a great player off of a team just for being a dumb head. As KU basketball fans, we can certainly appreciate kicking a player off of a team for being a criminal miscreant, but for being a dumb head? I hope Brandon Davies can get his act together and get with another team next season. He still has his whole life ahead of him. His college basketball career shouldn’t have to come to an end because of this.


  • km:

    Chaste? Not a hope I’m afraid. Prepare them well, buy them condoms and tell them to wait if they can or if not, be safe about it.

    • MrsD:

      Amen! (This is – I think? hope? – what got me through the teen years without grandchildren. OTOH, it may have worked too well. They’re now nearly 23 & 28 and I’m still waiting. Hmmm….

  • km:

    I knew I read a good article about this topic lately. Here it is.
    Would this cause more trouble for you though among the religious families? Most definetly, I’m sure.

    • Rechelle:

      That is a good article. I uh…. I um… it’s a bit hard for me to imagine – but kudos to the Netherlands.

      • km:

        I know. It’s hard to think of your kids like this

    • GA in GA:

      Good article. However, I am afraid that DD’s DF would stroke out. He is still trying to understand how she got to be 15 so quickly.

      • km:

        I know. This is the topic in parenting where my Euro-ness is completely evident. During bleacher conversation I’m always the one saying “Em, no, actually, this is what we said/do/expect ” . I bet they’re locking up their daughters right now.

        • GA in GA:

          I think I will have DH read the article just to watch his reaction . . .

    • Wow – thanks km! I’ve been dealing with a plague of one girl here, and due to the fact she lives about 40 miles away she has spent the night here several times. We have some boundaries, such as my son has to move to the guest room when I go to bed (lucky for him I’m a night owl), but he can move back into his room in the morning. I’ve talked to him about being careful, and *shock* his dad bought him some condoms.

      Here’s the crazy part – my son’s almost step-mother insists that if they’re over at their house, she will drive him to *her* nearby parent’s house at midnight, then come and pick him up in the morning. WTF? Surefire way to drive the kid out of the house. She says, “I know what teenage girls are like!” Projecting, I’d say.

      I feel better now. Thanks again!

  • Carol:

    Your “plague” can be explained by all the girl bait at your house, namely in the form of those 4 cute boychildren of yours- or maybe they heard about all the doll photo shoots? Either way- hopefully your boys attract fun, smart girls who are fun to be around. Good luck to you!

  • GA in GA:

    Rechelle, good luck with your plague. As already stated, it is most likely due to the bait that lives in your home. But better that you have the problem in your home, than in another where vigilance might not be present.

  • Anna:

    I’d take a plague of girls over my plague of stink bugs any day. Consider yourself lucky.
    I bet the girls even smell good, too.

    • km:

      Just getting over a plague of snow myself.

    • Michelle:

      When my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I were in college, he took to his mom’s house one weekend to meet his family. His mom raised 8 boys in a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house. After I’d showered and spruced up the first morning I was there, his mom walked past the bathroom and said, “Oh my gosh! It smells like a girl in here! My bathroom has never smelled so pretty!”

      Your comment reminded me of that, and made me smile. I have a houseful of boys now, and I know exactly what she meant.

  • empty nester! YEEHAW:

    I was sitting on the sofa enjoying a coffee one morning and a girl wearing only a t-shirt comes out of my son’s bedroom. She just smiled and acted like “NO BIG DEAL!”
    I promptly marched, okay, I STOMPED into his room and shouted, “I DON’T KNOW WHO SHE IS BUT GET HER OUTTA MY HOUSE AND NEVER LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!”
    It didn’t BUT I STILL feel angry at the disrespect 10 years after the incident. He was 18, out of school and working full time but STILLLLL my house, my rules…..RIGHT????

  • Albug:

    Ahh the joy of raising boys. Keep them close and keep the girls closer you can better keep your eyes and ears on them. Condoms, definitely a necessity along with an honest talk about waiting and safe sex, hopefully delivered by a united front with their father. But, honestly, by the time you start seeing the girls lurking about it’s over. Your boys have been raised right so their upbringing may win out, but they are young men so you know… Good luck.

  • Kathy from NJ:

    If you have a septic system, please tell your sons NOT TO FLUSH THE CONDOMS. They will cause very expensive problems. I know someone who learned of her (21 yo) son’s sexuality this way – septic problems, septic pumped, septic man came into house and said they needed to change two things – change TP to Charmin and stop flushing condoms. “Oh, we don’t use condoms.” “Well, someone in this house does….. “

  • LucyJoy:

    Whooo…Another reason I’m glad I didn’t have children. Best of luck to you, Rechelle!

  • Well, at least they’re at your house and you can keep track of what’s going on. I think that’s a positive thing. They’re smart kids and will figure it out, just like we did.

  • nanne:

    we have boys…boys who are creeping in through texting & facebook leaving comments that our girls look like super models,…..

    boys calling the house, boys, boys, boys!!

    it’s my husband’s fault….he’s a boy.

    for my college age daughter, all i can do is say to her, what probably sounds to her ear like the charlie brown parents–blah, bla, bla, bla, blah…..be a lady, be responsible, be cool, be in charge of your body and the situation….stop being so damned pretty …being smart is way enough!!!!!!

    for my 8th grader…..i’m sad to say, i have become the mean, hatched faced mommy monster who says to her when the cutest & nicest boy in her class asks her to go to the movies…”we don’t have single dates when we’re in eighth grade….we go with a group of friends..” and, maybe make her think that there is a possiblity that i might be sitting in the back row of the movie theater….trust is a great thing, but pure, unadulterated fear of embarrassmentt is mighty effective….


    • km:

      Last sentence is a great pearl of parenting wisdom….love it

  • Megan:

    Just don’t be my MIL – only woman in a house full of boys and a royal bitch to any girl/woman who dared to be dazzled by her sons. Almost 15 years of marriage later and three children and I still walk on eggshells and don’t show affection to my husband in front of her for fear of being deemed a, “clinging vine”.

    Be nice to those girls Rechelle, you never know which one of them will be selecting your nursing home!

  • I have two girls and a boy, and you just scared the living shit out of me, Rechelle. Thanks for that.

    My first thought when I started reading the comments was, “Mine are going to wait until they’re married.” And then reality set in. They probably won’t. I sure the hell didn’t. And I don’t have hell to threaten them with anymore, so how am I going to deal with this? [dammit! I KNEW there was a reason I was a christian all those years!]

    In other words, I have no advice whatsoever. I’m hoping you’ll post more about how you deal with it, though, ’cause I could use some advice! :)

  • JJ:

    It is a good thing to have them at your house – then your kids won’t be taking off to God knows where and you can be more aware of what is going on. Always welcome the teenagers – even the girls!

  • poppy:

    When I read that there are girls clinging to your ceiling in silvery webs, my mind immediately pulls up the image of the gremlin on the airplane wing in The Twilight Zone Movie.

    • poppy:

      and, yeah, I close the window shade when I fly

  • Spinny:

    I have a friend with a 16-year-old son. Each day, as she drops him off at school, she gives him the best bit of motherly wisdom she has to offer:

    “Don’t get anyone pregnant today!”

    • I have told my son many times – “don’t make any babies!” I think it actually works, to some degree.

  • “No drinking, no drugs, no sex, no animal sacrifice of any kind… Oh God, I’m giving them ideas!”

  • My friend always tells her boy this… “if you can’t keep it zipped at least wrap it up tight.”

    • Rechelle:

      Ha ha ha ha – That made me laugh.

  • Jaime:

    Ahh..Rechelle…girls. They come, they giggle in that obnoxiously high pitched voice, and they try to woo our boys away from us. I always keep them close so I can help weed out the losers. But, more importantly, your take on Brandon Davies disappoints me! Sure, what he did was just a personal choice, but HE SIGNED THE CONDUCT PLEDGE! He knew what he signed up for when he decided to go to BYU. I applaud the school for following through with the consequences that were made perfectly clear from the beginning. Enough with the superstars and bending the rules/expectations…Finally, a school with integrity despite the financial and social repercussions.

    • Rechelle:

      Sorry to disagree with you Jaime but as usual religion seems to err on the inflexible asshole side instead of the forgiving merciful loving side. Whatever Davies has done, I don’t see how kicking him off of the team helps him and isn’t the mission of an educational institution to help kids?

      And seriously an 18 year old kid signing an ‘honor code’ in front of his parents is very different than a sophomore in college who has played two seasons of NCAA basketball. It’s like making a successful female entrepreneur abide by the cookie contract she signed when she was a ten year old girl scout. Rules change as you get older and experience life.

      What is really much more interesting to me is a school named for Brigham Young who had 55 wives having a ‘sexual purity’ honor code. You gotta be freakin kidding me!

      • Jaime:

        Again Rechelle… I respectfully disagree. I’m not saying that I AGREE with the honor code…I just understand their position. The honor code is signed by every student, every year. Each year they are given the option to sign or not attend. The signature may be in front of their parents when they are high school seniors, but in subsequent years, is signed during the online enrollment process. If the student chooses, as he/she experiences life and priorities change, they can choose to not sign and attend a different college. The RULES don’t change even when a person’s personal growth does. That’s why they have the freedom to choose a different college. Again, do I AGREE with the rules-no, absolutely not. I think they are rigid and unrealistic. But if you sign the damn thing, then you’re choosing to live by it. Do I feel bad for the kid? Sure…he didn’t do anything “wrong” per se, his only offense is BREAKING THE RULES. Now, he is obliged to accept the consequences that he knew in advance would be enforced! Here’s my attempt at an analogy…I think red traffic lights in the middle of the night are stupid. There’s no traffic and no reason to stop. Why can’t I just look both ways and keep going? I can. But, I know, that when I applied for my driver’s license I agreed to follow the rules of the road. Do I AGREE with that particular rule? No. Do I understand that there is a consequence if I’m caught breaking the rule? Yes, a ticket. What are my choices? Either follow the rules or don’t get a driver’s license. Granted, we aren’t talking about a moral/ethical issue, but the principle is the same. I think we may have to agree to disagree on this one Rechelle :)

    • susan:

      me thinks you are a bit ‘controlling’ Jaime.

      weed out the losers? agreed I have seen some ‘less desirable’ girls for my sons way back then but dont you think you have to allow your children to see the light themselves? the more you pound your views into that age where they are trying to find themselves by breaking away, sometimes the path opposite what you demand becomes appealing. ideally that is how we learn to navigate through life with all the bumps and bruises.

      that Brandon Davies story is sickening. all lost out…

      i completely agree with Rechelle. again, religious hypocrisy abounds.

      • Jaime:

        I must apologize for the tone of my comment. Rechelle and I are real life friends and I often use her blog to communicate since I’m too damn lazy to pick up the phone. When I used the word “losers” I was being facetious. I forget about the thousands of other people who read this blog who don’t understand my sense of humor. I am anything but “controlling” and completely agree with your take on child rearing.

  • Jumping in to defend a school who dares to set the bar and encourages young people to meet the standards by challenging them to rise above the herd and take a stand for morality. Maybe a challenge not everyone wants, BUT if you pledge/sign a contract to do so you’d better be ready for the consequences even if it looks pithy to the rest of the world. This is a lonely battle–morality is not high on society’s list lately. Not sure what IS. What’s the difference between an 18 year old and a sophomore signing the same code? I didn’t get that part of your response. Good luck on the boy/girl thing. I know you don’t buy into this train up a child rhetoric of the Bible, but heaven help you if you don’t have some sort of code you’re teaching them to live by.

    • km:

      Why is sexual activity included in morality?

      • Rechelle:

        Because religion says it is km – duh! :)

    • Rechelle:

      Madhadder – Instead of relying on heaven to help me, I think I will choose my brain to help me and I will ‘train’ my kids to use their brains as well. Although I don’t believe in ‘training’ my kids the same way I would ‘train’ a dog or a pet canary. Instead I encourage my kids to consider the consequences of their actions (which never involve a fiery furnace of any sort) and make their decisions accordingly. However – if they were to screw up – I would not kick them off my team.

      And having consensual sex as a sophomore in college is not an immoral activity. Sex is a normal human function. I have no idea why religion got involved in sex, but they sure started screwing people up the minute they did. The only part of Davies story that bothers me is the pregnancy (if there is actually a pregnancy, which may only be a rumor) and that is because clearly Davies was not prepared for fatherhood. I have to wonder if Davies felt comfortable buying a packet of condoms knowing that he would be recognized as a BYU player wherever he went. The same goes for his girlfriend – did she feel like she could acess birth control knowing that everyone knew she was breaking the honor code by even preparing herself for a sexual encounter. It’s ridiculous how these type of codes place kids in weird situations where they have to overcome a bunch of strange barriers to be responsible in the bedroom. I know very well how religion can mess with your mind, making you feel like perfectly rational behavior (like buying a condom) is immoral. This is even worse for Davies as he had to worry about being caught. It is such a disaster.

      And if you can’t see how playing on a national team in the national spotlight on national television with travel, special appearances, being treated like a celebrity can change a person from a naive boy into something quite different – I don’t know how to help you. I will tell you one thing – Davies is far from the only kid at BYU having sex with his girlfriend. I just hope the rest of them have got a black market condom supplier.

      • You’re right, there are more of the BYU kids having sex than just he and his girlfriend. The only difference is that they’re married. Seriously, when I was a trainer at KU and we traveled to BYU for games, most of the kids were married. I found it odd, at the time I knew nothing about Mormonism. Not that knowing the little more that I do now makes it less odd, still odd. But since they’re married they aren’t breaking the code.

      • Jaime:

        Rechelle…..drugstore.com. Nobody knows weather you’re buying deodorant or condoms, and it’s shipped to your door. If they are rooting through the students’ mail, then that’s a felony- unless, of course, the student signed a release form giving them permission :)

  • nanne:

    hi rechelle!

    i am a fourth generation graduate of the university of alabama….and i am only noting that so you know i come from a school that takes sports very, very seriously. we’re not so much into basketball (although we like to win at everything) as football. football is a huge, huge deal in my home state.

    alabama is also a major party kind of school….i’m constantly amazed that i actually survived, much less graduated. i had a really good time…

    it most likely goes without saying that the byu honor code is incredibly antiquated, holds them back, could make the entire world regress a thousend years….but, as much as i hate to say it…brandon davies did sign & agree to abide by that same honor code in exchange for a free education.

    i certainly think the whole attitude of byu and certain other religious institutions towards sex and other issues are way, way more harmful than the deeds themselves. but…i’m sad to say, davies made an agreement that had its basis not only in an outdated philosphophy, but in monetary terms…somewhat of a binding contract.

    he needs to go to tuscaloosa and play at alabama!!!!

    love your writing and your funny take on life!

  • JJ:

    The Brandon Davies thing is outrageous – in the sense that really – no sex ? Really ? a lot of priests can’t even hold up that end of the bargain, and Mormons? They always seem to be a little strict on that – trying to pay penitence for their polygamy past maybe. And how DID they know? It mentioned in an article I read that he ‘fessed up, but usually that doesn’t happen unless the question is raised. Cameras? that’s kind of illegal ( and a little sick)l – a leak from maybe someone else who wanted a chance to shine? Or maybe the pregnancy thing? First thought than is – How far a long must she be? Anyway it went down not looking good.
    BUT – Brandon is a big boy – now – an adult and he signed a legal document ( even if they had crazy things in it) – he knew the consequences. Hell I signed student loan papers – young fool that I was! And you can say he is coerced by parents , whatever. He still had the consequences laid out and as you go through life consequences hit you plain as day in the face. AND he was dealing with Mormons – again not known for their flexibility. Were there not a lot of schools wanting him badly? Won’t he probably be able to get in SOMEWHERE else – well maybe not if his contract had any other crappy restrictions. Just because you are wonderfully talented does not mean you should get out of your consequences – we see celebrities, politicians, RELIGIOUS leaders, etc. try to weasel out of trouble and get away with crap all the time and it ticks us off. Too many teens, etc think they should just be able to carry on – what are consequences? I had kids in high school that were coming in with ankle monitoring devices and it was all a joke. This is a consequence? I get to go to school, see all my friends and they think I am cool? I stole a car and no biggy here I am!
    Now , again I do not agree with a no sex clause – I don’t think it is realistic – and business and school officials should stay out of an adult’s bedroom – unless there is illegal activity going on ( like sex in a car you just stole) and you may get caught, you may not, the sperm may swim too slow or it may be right on target, the Mormons may be peeking , whatever the case at some point in time there could be a consequence and you have to pay up. He is talented, I am sure there is a good lawyer in his future – he needs to learn from this to successfully move on.

  • Lgirl:

    You wouldn’t have this problem if you homeschooled! ;-)