Pie Near Woman and Sucking on the Government Teat

February 25th, 2011

Hi everyone!  It’s me!  The Pie Near Woman!  Tap, tap, tap.  Is this thing on?

I wanted to talk about the wild mustangs on our ranch today because it is how we give back.

We just give and give and give.

We give so much it hurts.

IT HURTS!

It’s like having breasts so full of milk they are like two extra tight bongo drums and you can bang on them all night long and they will feed all the babies in the world but what if there are no babies to feed?  No babies to feed for a hundred miles?  And what if your bongo boobs are red and tender from a mean awful case of mastitis?  And what if they feel like they are on fire?

That’s how much it hurts me to give.  It hurts real bad.  And sometimes, to relieve the agony of my bongo boob giving til it hurts agony, I will pull the old suburban over and nurse a flea bitten jack rabbit, or a grouse or a cockatiel or a basset hound named Charlie or a rogue cow named Snowball or maybe a rangy pea hen or a laid off cowboy or a straggling rattlesnake if I can find one.  Sometimes I nurse Tia Juana our free rangin’ native who lives in our basement and cleans my house in the wee hours, but she hates it when I do that.  She says it isn’t right to make her stay in the basement all day long, write my books all night long and then suckle me back to comfort before the break of dawn.  But I just remind her of her former life in that tee pee on the reservation and she quiets down and starts suckling from my ta tas pretty quick.

Or sometimes…

if I am in really bad shape…

And can no longer bear the fiery bongo boob agony any longer…

And I am all alone…

In my suburban…

And no one can see me…

I set my IPhone to vibrate…

And stick it in my hoo haw.

And every single time I get a texted or get a tweet…

I also get twatted!

It helps girls!

It helps me to give back.

And that’s what I am all about.

.

What was I telling you about?

Bongo boobs…?

Nursing a rattlesnake…?

Secret fun in the suburban with my IPhone…?

Oh yes!  The mustangs!

Oh look!  There’s my likable, attractive and clearly more well adjusted to ranch life sister-in-law Missy.

Hey Missy!  You want to nurse me?

Cause I got the mastitis bongo boobs again and it is literally killing me!


Missy never wants to nurse me.

She doesn’t understand the helping part.

Anyway.  Back to our wild mustangs and giving something back.


I made a pie chart to help explain.

Get it!  Pie Near Woman!

Pie Chart!

Oh my stinkin’ heck I am funny!

OMSH!!!!!!

Aren’t I?

Aren’t I hilarious?!?

Tap tap tap – this thing on?

I like to call this itty bitty titty pie chart of mine…

The Circles of Life.

Not just because it resembles a part of my body that nourished my punks, my readers and pretty much every, plant, mammal, reptile, person and small electronic device I have ever come into contact with, but also because these lovely round and abundant pie chart orbs flow with a never ending green river of American dollar bills.

Let me slice my pie charts up for you!!!

Slice #1

Ranchers in the big western states get virtually free public land on which to run their cows which was intended for the wild critters such as the feral horses that roam the West.

Slice # 2

Pilots make as much $200.00 an hour ramming little burros and elderly horses with their helicopters to make the wild round-ups go faster!  Who can blame them?  They get paid per horse.  Git along little dogie!

Slice # 3

Land baron Ranchers (like Marlboro Man!) in Kansas and Oklahoma make millions babysitting the feral horses from the western states for the government.

Slice #4

America makes more beef than it can consume running 93 million cows on cheap public land and fattening them up fast  in crowded feed lots on subsidized cattle feed made from genetically modified corn and soybean  as well as ground up dogs, cats, blood, manure, plastic, and a variety of some other crazy ass shit that is referred to as animal ‘protein’

This results in cheap subsidized hamburger being sold for an absurdly low price to fast food chains while the leftovers are dumped on third world countries at a price that undercuts farmers and ranchers in developing nations!

Slice # 5

Third World farmers and ranchers cannot compete with the cheap subsidized meat and grain from the US.

Slice # 6

Third World ranchers lose their farms because they can’t recoup their expenses from selling their crops and cattle for less than it costs to grow it in order to compete with cheap food from the US.

Slice #7

The third world rancher moves from his family farm to urban squalor in an attempt to find work to feed his family.

Slice # 8

The American rancher gets a million dollar payment from the government for babysitting the wild horses that were moved off of the public land to accommodate other ranchers in the west in order to raise cheap subsidized beef for the world.  He may also get hundreds of thousands of dollars in subsidies for various other crops that he grows much of which will also ultimately get dumped on developing countries forcing even more third world farmers out of business.

Are you seeing the circle in my circle of life yet?

Isn’t it such poetic justice!

Slice # 9

The American rancher uses his big government subsidy checks to fund his wife’s rise to internet stardom.

Slice # 10

The American ranch wife photographs the million dollar wild horses on her ranch and talks about all the giving she does thereby making a million MORE dollars on her blog!

Slice # 11

She cooks something with lots of butter in it on national television and makes even MORE money

from selling her cookbook on the QVC!

Slice # 12

She talks about corn fed beef being the best tasting in spite of the fact that it makes cows sick and requires huge doses of antibiotics to keep the cows alive prior to slaughter.

Slice # 13

She smears a steak with butter and talks about how jiggly her bottom is.

.

Slice #14

She photographs her husband’s ass.  (Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again)



Slice # 15

She crawls into bed with a Pottery Barn quilt and eats her antibiotic laced, growth hormone fueled, corn fed beef on the internet for all the world to see.

Slice # 16

The third world farmer unable to find work in the city, dies of starvation.

His son turns to a life of crime to survive and his daughter becomes a prostitute who will die of AIDS at age 23 after giving birth to three children who will wind up as slaves if they survive past age three.

Slice # 17

The ranch wife buys a new $200 dollar flowy top.

Slice # 18

She then writes a love story about how she met and married her handsome, rich virile cowboy

and that book becomes a best seller too!

Slice # 19

A developing world farmer in South Korea stabs himself in the heart and dies to protest the cheap subsidized American food that floods his country forcing him out of business .

Slice # 20

Amen

I just love this country!  Isn’t it awesome how the American government takes care of people?

Everywhere!

All over the world!

Especially me!

It is such a blessing!

Hey check it out!

Tia Juana took my pie charts and made me an outfit!

That girl is so hard to figure out!

Sometimes it seems like she hates me and other times she makes me a beautifully handcrafted bikini

that is simply rife with meaning for my family!

She said the ‘bottoms’ represent the biggest piece of the pie which belongs to me and Marlboro Man.

I don’t know what she meant by that, but I love symbolism!

Love ya more’n my luggage!

Pie Nubby Wubby Ding Dong Diddy Doo Doo Die



Comments

  • poppy:

    Pure poetry! Holy toledo, you mean I’m first?! Yay!

    • poppy:

      by the way, you might be interested in And the Waters Turned to Blood by Rodney Barker (if you haven’t already read the book)

  • OMG, this is awesome!

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    Brava, Rechelle!!!
    I humbly bow to your greatness…

  • I cannot stop laughin’ I need to go back and view this again. This is well worth the wait, on so many levels!

  • Hooty:

    Very informative. I’ll read more of the links when I have more time, but I appreciate your attention to keepin’ it factual.

  • I just went back and viewed this again. Powerful. Thank you Rechelle.

  • Lily:

    Holy! You have clearly found your calling!
    You are gifted and hilarious, but my overwhelming feeling is massive sadness. The humor was just the medium that conveys the unethical and scandalous story over at PW. I hope national TV picks up this one and all of your parodys, along with PWSux. A travesty.

  • Jennine:

    I haven’t heard the phrase “ta tas” since high school! Woman, you crack me up!

  • Ha! I sense a stronger push back as she rises to internet “stardom.”

    I was horrified to see her on the cover of a magazine when I was on my winter holiday travels not long ago.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/librarianguish/5450304136/

    I’m sure many of your followers have seen that already; it nearly ruined my vacation. She’s as far from a pioneer as it gets.

    Come back and talk to us after you’ve been stranded in the mountains in winter and eaten human flesh, lady.

    • @ Anne: I had to laugh when I saw that cover because of the irony — I mean the mag is called Where Women Cook and she cooks IN THE LODGE rather than her own own with children around her. LOL

  • poppy:

    She crawls into bed with a Pottery Barn quilt and eats her antibiotic laced, growth hormone fueled, corn fed beef {WITH A SIDE OF KIMCHI} on the internet for all the world to see.

  • Rhonda:

    Maybe your next post should be about medical costs. My daughter went to Mercy and had two IVs for the flu and the bill, before the BC/BS write-off was $2500. Then BC/BS writes off over half of that. The doctor that ordered the two IVs charged $232. Easy to forget when you are busy pointing your finger at someone else or when it is the field that is supporting your family.

    • Mo:

      What is this you’re saying, that some aspects of the medical field and insurance industry might be corrupt and/or part of a disorganized and wasteful system? Somebody call Geraldo Rivera!

      • Rhonda:

        Just saying I didn’t take a family trip to Europe. I don’t begrudge people making money, just find irony in the attacks.

        • some kid:

          +1

          As a 22-year old college student who can’t afford health insurance and had her credit ruined by a single trip to the emergency room, I have to agree.

          I loved this post, and agree with all the points you made, but it is a legitimate point that the American healthcare industry is hardly less corrupt than the food/ag industry.

          • some kid:

            * As in, I loved Rechelle’s original blog and her points in it. Comment replies …I’m not the best at them. :D

          • Mo:

            It is a valid point, but there is no industry out there that is free from corruption or undeserving of someone’s soapbox. Rechelle is not a wealthy blogger from a wealthy family who’s yearly income is supplemented further by milking a corrupt system.

        • J:

          Rhonda,
          Several things to explain to you as you seemingly are not that sharp.
          1) you are taking a dig at Rechelle and her family by lamely attempting to compare health care to the mustang program. The mustang is federally funded. Health care is funded through a variety of sources. Could it be improved in terms of economics? Absolutely. But really you are comparing apples to oranges.
          2) Many folks take a vacation to Europe and they are not wealthy. My parents did numerous times to visit my sister who lives there. They were most definitely not wealthy. I have been to Europe, South America – I am certainly not wealthy. Many regular middle class families take vacations to Europe. You know how they do it? They save their money. That’s right, they are smart enough to save money for a family vacation. So your example really was not a valid one.

          • Mo:

            hahahaha I said “milking”

          • taylor5622:

            Is Rhonda one of Ree Drummond’s paid sockpuppets?

    • You know, the first thing that popped into my head when I read this wasn’t some jerky comment to Rechelle about how she should be focused on *all* the world’s ills, or that she should feel bad because she doesn’t feel worse about the suffering of every individual on the face of the planet. It also wasn’t the fact that I racked up over a quarter of a million dollars in medical expenses back in 2005 when I was diagnosed with cancer and went through surgery, chemo, and radiation plus all the assorted aftercare – and without insurance, that meant yours truly wound up paying a huge sum to the very kind and very fine medical professionals and organizations who treated me despite the fact I didn’t have that little card . Nor was it the thought of how lucky I was last year after being diagnosed again how fortunate I was to now have insurance that I pay out the ass for every month.

      No, the first thing that came to my mind was: man, that is some hilarious stuff right there.

      If I want to pontificate about the state of the world or go off on a real tangent based on some personal experience that doesn’t really jibe with things related to what’s posted here, you know what? I go off to my own site and do that.

    • susan:

      Good god Rhonda…what a Debbie Downer you are by throwing in medical bills. Can I talk about my bunions????

  • JustPeachy:

    Oh Pie Near Woman… I <3 you more 'n my luggage!!

    Side note: Did you notice a "Tia Juana Drummond" listed on the Farm Subsidy page? I die… LMAO

    • Probably the love child of one of those boys.

      What I want to know is – what are “livestock subsidies”? Just payments for having cows? What’s the point of that one?

    • poppy:

      Is that who taught her to make tres leches cake (with a cherry on top)? Who is this Tia? Did she escape from Witch Mtn? Anyone know?

    • Rechelle:

      That’s where I came up with the name. Do you suppose she is a real person?

      • Well she better be considering the government sent her a check!

      • poppy:

        This has really just bothered me all day! I think Tia Juana is just too strange a name to be real. What a slap in the face! I hope someone can enlighten us.

        • ‘Tia’ is ‘Aunt’ in Spanish, and Juana is an incredibly common name in Spanish/ Hispanic communities. I wouldn’t think Tia Juana is an actual name, but it’s more of calling out to your Auntie Juana.

      • Did you find a Mari Juana on the list, too?

  • So bittersweet. I laughed! Then I got angry! Then the frustration! Then the drive to want to do something about it!
    Pie Near Woman, you make me momentarily bi-polar. And I like it.

    Now off to shoot an email to my friends. After all, I do come from a third world country and that could be my area’s farmers starving and their daughters becoming prostitutes. Man, it’s a joke… but it really isn’t.

  • Mo:

    Has PNW always worn those fancy boots, or are they new? They are STUNNING.

  • farm wife:

    I am not a PW fan BUT as the wife of a recently disabled dairy farmer (massive stroke) I will tell you that EVEN if you have a lot of help with the work the cost of running a farm is astounding. I realize that a lot of money is being made and I am NO expert. What I know for sure is that after we sold our dairy herd because my husband will never be able to work again I have 40 head of beef cattle, this includes a bull, 23 cows and 16 assorted sized calves. I am feeding them a large round bale of hay per day. In our area that hay costs $40.00 per bale. So I kind of understand what it costs to feed these horses! The $40.00 per day does not include salt, minerals & supplemental feed during our harsh winter. My husband has farmed his whole life and is cognizent about the farm. I will keep these animals as long as I am able to financially so that he can look out and see and enjoy them but it is NOT CHEAP to do so!

    • Megan:

      But the Drummonds don’t feed the horses. In a recent television interview Ladd himself said that the horses take care of themselves and all the Drummonds provide is EXTRA feed in the winter and salt and minerals once a year. They are not feeding the horses every day, the horses graze on the Drummonds massive acres of land and that is the rub. They are getting paid millions annually and that money doesn’t go to the care of the horses.

      • Laurie V:

        How can you say they don’t feed them in one sentence and then turn around in the next sentence and say they only feed them in winter? Feeding them in the winter takes a lot of $. As farm wife said, hay is expensive, and if you have to give them any other type of feed it would cost much more. Depending on how many horses they have, it could take a lot of $$ each day to feed them for appoximately 5 months out of the year. And giving horses salt & minerals once a year doesn’t even make sense. They need it more often than once a year.

        Do I think they should get millions for babysitting horses, no. Do I think they should be compensated for what they do spend on the horses, yes.

        • farm wife:

          They HAVE to be fed daily when there is 20 plus inches of snow on the ground. I live in the same state and there is little to NO grazing this winter.It has been extremely dry followed by an uncommonly harsh winter. Even in normal years cattle/horses must be fed roughage in the winter because there is little nutritional value in the dried grasses! Salt is fairly cheap but has to be kept out at all times otherwise cattle/horses will lick the ground to get the salt and minerals their bodies require. I did not comment to argue, only to make a point that if, and I assume they are, the animals are taken care of it is NOT CHEAP!

          • Sara:

            I don’t doubt that it costs money to feed the horses, especially when there is 20+ inches of snow on the ground. But, I just have one question, which may actually have an obvious answer. Where did these “wild” horses come from? If they are truly wild, shouldn’t they be able to live off the land on their own. It seems clear that this area is not their natural habitat. Maybe they should be moved to a more suitable location that can sustain them throughout the year, or maybe they should just be castrated so that they can no longer reproduce. They could be multiplying in numbers as we speak. How long can gov’t funds support the ever-growing number of these horses? I am an animal lover, and do not want to see them killed. But, it just seems like there should be some sort of plan in place for the future. There are lots of wild animals that live in the U.S. that do not require gov’t funds to sustain their lives. This “wild horse” situation just seems like it could easily get out of control fast.

        • Megan:

          Excuse me, I should have said they don’t feed them daily. Calm down. I am quoting Ladd Drummond, so pardon me, but he specifically said EXTRA feed in the winter. Sincerely doubt EXTRA feed in the winter equals $990,000 annually which is how much he said it costs his family to care for the horses.

  • Linda:

    This is investigative reporting at it’s finest.

  • susan:

    SPOT ON Rechelle! the cell phone?!?!? omg, I was laughing. Her binkini with the triangular ‘pie’ covering her woo hoo!?. So, so, so funny. Take those mental breaks whenever you feel the need. It done you good.

  • Jennifer:

    Somehow I stumbled here. While I find your Barbie fantasies slightly amusing and completely disturbing, I must comment on your explanations of the beef industry. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Please … find your way to a farm or ranch or feedlot. Heck, ask a local butcher. Don’t let your fixation on one particular ranching family lead you down a disparaging trail that demonizes an entire industry. I’m a small midwest farmer raising a 50-head beef cow herd. My animals receive the utmost care to maintain natural health and are fed high-quality grasses and grains. Oh, and P.S. I don’t put butter on my steak but my bottom is still jiggly. Probably because I sit too long reading trashy drivel like yours.

  • Stella:

    My God, this is fucking insane.

    This is fucking hilarious.

    YOU are fucking insane.

    YOU are fucking hilarious.

    You sure put a lot of work in to that one. WOW, Loved it!!!!

    MUAHAHAHAHAHA..

    STELLA!!!!!!

  • LucyJoy:

    Not only do you entertain us, you educate as well. Now THAT’S the kind of homeschooling I like! Keep it up, girl! You ROCK!

  • Bea:

    This is the kind of satire I like best – very informative AND funny!
    Great post Rechelle and very thought provocing.

  • Glyndia:

    Loved it!

  • Spiderjohn:

    What I don’t understand is, why do any of you give a shit what the Drummonds do?

    • What I don’t understand is why you, Spiderjohn, gives a shit, that we give a shit, that the Drummonds are full of shit. Now, go eat shit, aka one of gREEDs awful cowboy dishes;)

      • REEflux:

        Why do folks post their distaste of Pie Near Woman?

        At the most fundamental level, its done because it’s a right. But that isn’t all.

        Confessions of a Pioneer Woman are nit confessions. They are “lies by omission”, half-truths and sell-important drivel. She purports to keeping real, all the while serving starry-eyed groupies a bunch of marketing enhanced b.s. Hell. She even stole the pioneer woman title. The real Pioneer Woman is a statue in Ponca City.

        The sad part is that there are thousands of people believe that the “ranching” life she speaks of is accurate. It is not.

        If you enjoy her site, find her entertaining or even think she is a sweet, unassuming girl, good for you. However, don’t think for a moment that Real Women of Real, Unsubsidized Ranches worked by Real Ranchers who put food in your mouth will stand by while you lift pie near woman up to our status.

        Just sayin’

        Unlike Ree

        • taylor5622:

          First Rhonda, now Spiderjohn. Ree’s sockpuppets are working overtime. Fearing her empire is about to be exposed for the fraud it is, PW’s staff has stepped up their 24/7 patrol of PWSux and Rechelle.

          Before departing for her Memphis book signing, Drummond undoubtedly ordered the minions to step it up and crush the opposition. Either that or heads will roll when she returns to the little ol’ ranch.

          Great post Rechelle. Keep up the great work!

  • Even though I haven’t seen Tia, she’s my favorite! Hysterical and disturbing at the same time, as all the best satire is.

  • I need to go find some grass fed beef.

  • LP:

    I gave my husband some of the backstory on the PW/Rechelle drama-rama, then told him to watch this. His only comment? “What the hell is wrong with this woman? Doesn’t she have anything else to do?” And then he made himself a gin and tonic and ate some butter pretzels.

    In the words of the immortal Randy Travis: “Forever and ever amen.”

  • Jennie:

    Wow. Bravo Rechelle, and welcome back.

  • Sara:

    Rechelle, the Pottery Barn quilt is just too good.

  • RecentReader:

    I like the Pie Near woman segment. Occasionally I go to her site to gape at the amount of butter used in a recipe, but I’m no “fan” and think that people who have risen to internet stardom are fair game for satirical attacks, just like any other celebrity.

    I will say I didn’t like this Pie Near woman episode. I thought it was vulgar and just not funny. I almost didn’t get to the part that I actually did like reading, the informative (and funny) pie chart segment.

    Probably it’s just a matter of personal taste, but if you are concerned about reaching a more general audience with this (not sure if you are, and certainly you don’t have to be, your blog after all) I would recommend toning it down a little bit, at least with the boobs and the hoo haws. I don’t know if libel is a concern for you, but sticking to criticism of things that she actually writes on her blog is probably safer, too.

    Just my $0.02. I’ve been reading for a little while now but never commented before. Hoping people don’t tear me a new one for what is, I think, friendly criticism based on my opinion.

    • Rechelle:

      The hardest thing about writing a blog is not finding and keeping an audience – it is staying true to your self in spite of the ‘opinions’ one recieves in the comments. Over time, I have gotten used to it and am relatively good at warding it off. I don’t mind when people disagree with me – but when the comments invade my ‘artistic’ space, I get a little testy. Just like any other entertainment venue, my job is to keep my audience’s attention. If I have to shove an IPhone in Pie Near’s Hoo Haw, to make that happen, I happily will. As to getting sued – You have got to be kidding me! Please, please tell me you are kidding me. Because if you aren’t kidding, than you are only attempting to bully me into some kind of weird submission, and that means you really are a sock puppet. But here’s the deal – Pie Near had a cell phone and she needed to do something with it and the only thing that made sense was for her to SHOVE IT IN HER HOO HAW! I can’t help it if that doesn’t read ‘general audience’ because you know – this whole atheist/pioneer woman hatin’/ anti meat industry/ general lunatic blog is so GENERAL AUDIENCE IN EVERY OTHER WAY!

      • REEflux:

        Hello RecentReader-
        I certainly don’t need to “take up” for anyone so please take my post as it’s intended: my point of view.

        We are “here” because of a shared thought process and/or opinion. The pioneer woman blog is amlie. Tho she brags, in a self-deprecating style, that our glimpse into her idyllic ranch life is real, it’s a sham.

        Why is that? Have you ever wondered why she can’t fess up to the reality of her lifestyle?
        The overly simplified version:
        My best guess is that she fears we would not approve of her. This would likely result in fewer site hits. Which would reduce her income.

        Consider this site something of a public service message. Little by little, the layers of the onion will be peeled away to reveal a hollow, shallow, self-absorbed, vain, mean-spirited person.

        Personally, I’d live to know if the drummonds are getting subsidies on the grass which is also being used to graze the 2200 mustangs…at $1.30/head per day. If so, that’s brilliant but may also not be allowable.

        But indigress…

        If you don’t like the dark humor, skip that passage. Heck, I skip passages about sweat dough :-). It freaks me out!

        RecentReader, you are welcome here. We are brought together because, collectively, we call bullshit. We are smarter than that.

        Sorry if this rambles…I’m on my iPhone at a soccer game (that’s what real moms do)

        A mere burp away,
        REEflux

      • RecentReader:

        Hi Rechelle. Thanks for your response. I’m not trying to stifle your artistic freedom, I’m just telling you what I, as one of your readers, don’t find appealing. I did that because, as I stated in my original comment, I don’t know exactly what this blog “is” for you, and where readers’ opinions rank. Obviously, with this response you’ve indicated that what you consider your artistic expression is more important than readers’ input. And that’s your right, because it’s your blog. If it’s about writing what you want and in the way you want to do it, and not necessarily about getting more people to read what you write, that is 100% up to you.

        About the libel: I wasn’t joking, but I find it unfortunate that you think I’m trying to “bully” you in some way with that comment. I was just saying it from the perspective of if it were ME writing this, it would be something I’d be worried about. It would at least flicker through my mind. Again, it’s not my blog, and I guess it’s something that you’re not worried about.

        In general, I’m a little bit taken aback by the defensive tone of your response. It seems to me that you imply that I shouldn’t even leave my opinion on your writing, and that you blow out of proportion (via accusation of bullying) a well-intentioned suggestion to be a bit more cautious. It’s your blog, sure, but it’s also my right to tell you what I don’t like, because you’ve made your blog public and I read it. Or when I comment here, do I have to filter what I say as anyone who comments on PW’s blog does? Just like public figures leave themselves open to scrutiny of their every move, simply by being public figures, so must artists also accept criticism of their work if they decide to share it. It’s surprising to me that you think that disagreeing with you on matters of fact is ok, but that criticizing your writing isn’t.

        • taylor5622:

          Without writing a treatise on the subject, let’s have a brief overview of what constittutes libel.

          According to Black’s Law Dictionary libel is:

          “a method of defamation expressed by print, writing, pictures or signs. In it’s most general sense, any publication that is injurious to the reputation of another. A false and unprivileged publication in writing of defamatory material.”

          Wait a minute, there’s more! Waaaay back in 1964 in a landmark decision (N.Y. Times v. Sullivan, 376 U.S. 254, 1964), the U.S. Supreme Court reversed an Alabama lower court, ruling that there could not be a presumption of malice or bad faith consistent with freedom of the press under the First Amendment IF plaintiff (presumably Ree Drummond for purposes of this example) is a public figure. And therein lies the beauty of this court case.

          Essentially, this decision reversed previous common law that required defendants to overcome a presumption of falsity. In other words the burden of proof was formerly on the defendant. Unlike most conventional tort cases. Our Supreme court held “that misstatements of fact or unjustified comments or opinions published” concerning the conduct of public figures were, and here’s the part I love “constitutionally privileged , unless the false or unjustified material was published with ‘actual malice.’” Plaintiffs, not defendants, now have the burden of proving actual malice which under the best of circumstances is extremely difficult to do.

          I see nothing false or malicious about Rechelle’s post. It’s a fact the Drummonds are being nicely compensated by the U.S. government to “babysit” wild mustangs. Therefore, I don’t think it’s a great leap to presume some of that government welfare is being used to fund a blog that in my OPINION promotes a fairy tale lifestyle. As for the boobs and hoo haw statements, it’s satire and in my humble opinion, could be true.

          There you have it! Opinions based on facts with some satire thrown in. Hardly anything close to libel.

          You go Rechelle!

          *Sources used: Black’s Law Dictionary and Internet research.

      • TXAggies:

        Rechelle,

        Love it Love it Love it !! Pie Near Woman in all her Glory ….

        BTW, did you happen to see Machete – the movie, recently ??

        Disturbing movie but a whole lotta FUN …

        One of the first scenes had a lovely young woman who soon revealed that she had a cell phone hidden away in her Hoo Haw …

        • Rechelle:

          No – I haven’t seen it. But now I am afraid that I must.

    • Ladd's Head Goddess:

      RecentReader, are you seriously concerned about libel? Really? I’m actually surprised that you used the correct term of art for libel, which is for print (slander is for the spoken word). I don’t think that you understand that the Pie Near Woman is a satire. These stories are about the Pie Near Woman, they are NOT about The Pioneer Woman TM (Ser. No. 85236601). And, if there just so happens to be a few similarities between the two of them, so be it. Also, just another thing to note: an absolute defense for libel (or slander) in all U.S. courts of law is the TRUTH.

      • RecentReader:

        I don’t know why you’re so surprised: you don’t know anything about me, after all. Many years ago, I used to be a journalist, so I am a bit familiar with the criteria for libel. (This may be closer to grounds for defamation, I’m not sure.) I understand that to be recognized as libel, the written statement must be shown to be untrue. That’s why I suggested that IF this is something that Rechelle is concerned about, she may want to stick to criticizing the content of the blog, and not make comments about what PNW does or doesn’t stick in her vagina.

        Obviously, I do understand that this is satire. I wrote in my original comment that of course celebrities are fair game for satirical attacks.

    • poppy:

      Recent Reader-
      I kind of felt the same way when it was MM’s B-day and Ree went a little over-board on her hiney-tingling haiku. I also felt the same way reading through some of her old type pad posts. Some things should be kept private. I bet Rechelle’s family laughed out loud when they read about iPhones up the hoo haw. Ree’s family wading through Ree’s posts? Not so much. Anyway, aren’t you just dying to know how the iPads really got cracked?

      • RecentReader:

        I’ll bet Charlie had something to do with it…

        On second thought, definitely not. If he had, you know she would’ve posted at least 20 pictures of the event.

        • poppy:

          I was trying to be subtle. I think the iPad cracked after sticking it up her HOO HAW for the hiney-tingle.

    • Angie D:

      Really, you didn’t like that part? Because the bongo boobs and the vibrating hoohaw made me laugh my lily white ass off! but that’s just me I guess…

      • RecentReader:

        Hi Angie. Like I said in my original comment, I’m sure it just comes down to personal tastes! My taste in satire is more…subtle, I guess. I really feel it’s most brilliant when the writer doesn’t have to resort to vulgarity or even outrightly making fun of their subject. I saw glimmers of that in this post, in the breakdown of the pie chart. But in general I didn’t like it, no.

        I’m not exactly sure why. I’m not a prude, one of my favorite web comics is QUITE NSFW. Maybe I feel it’s different when talking about a real person.

        • taylor5622:

          A real person?? Are you by chance referring to The Pioneer Woman aka Ree Drummond? Hardly a REEL person in my humble opinion. I don’t know many ranch women who operate multi-million dollar blogs under the pretense they’re some “little ol’ ranch wife” just “keepin’ it real.” Nor do I consider fairy tales real.

          As for your earlier comments concerning libel, I should have posted my response closer to the bottom. Surely you’re familiar with NY Times v. Sullivan, a landmark case that shifted the burden of proof in libel suits to the plaintiff. This case is taught in most college level Journalism 101 courses. Scroll back up to my previous comment for more details.

          Aren’t you being a little over zealous in your cautionary slap on Rechelle’s wrist? Ree Drummond is a public figure and as such should expect scrutiny and criticism.

          Not everyone is addicted to this phony woman who demands nothing less than hero worship from her followers. Had your comment been posted on Ree’s site, it never would have made it through her blog’s heavy-handed moderation. That’s censorship.

          • RecentReader:

            Taylor, I think you’re the one who’s being overzealous here. As I’ve expressed in my reply to Rechelle, the statement about libel was not intended as a “slap on the wrist”, but more something that just popped into my mind as what I’D have thought about before hitting the “publish” button if I were in Rechelle’s position. If it’s not a concern for her, for whatever reason, including having investigated thoroughly that she’s safe, or just not giving a flying fuck, FINE. As I’ve said, her blog. More power to her. The thing that I was far more taken aback by was the fact that I was accused of attempting to bully someone for even noting that it may be an issue.

            As for the “reality” of Pioneer Woman, argh. Obviously I don’t mean that she in any way “keeps it real.” But she’s real in the sense that I’ve seen her face, ok? She exists as a physical entity, and that entity is not, quite frankly, one that I like to picture sticking anything in it’s vagina. I don’t know why some of you seem to find that so hard to understand. The mental image was just kind of revolting.

            If Rechelle’s intention with this post was to invoke a sense of “I just threw up in my mouth a little,” then her writing is damned effective. It’s not my favorite kind of satire; that was the only real point of my original comment. The whole libel thing was completely off-hand.

  • Kathy J:

    Well, if the HSUS would stop complaining when anyone tries to do something about wild horse over population we wouldn’t have to pay a bazillion dollars for ranchers all over to keep the surplus. If you could humanely slaughter horses for food here that would help the over supply as well. If there were large predators to thin the horse herd it would help but for some reason no one wants wolves and mountain lions either. Everyone feels sorry for the horses but no one sees them slowly starve to death so that is OK.

    Just as an aside – all our cattle were run on land that we own and pay taxes on so not EVERYONE in the mythical west has a lease from the gov. Those leases are a big issue on several levels.

  • michelle:

    Hi Rechelle, My god you are soo funny!!! When is the book of Pie Near Woman coming out???? Surely that is the next step??? LOL Just love your humour and HONESTY!!!!

  • Jan Blawat:

    Could I please put in a word for the nation’s small cattle ranchers who work their butts off (so you can’t take pictures of those) and do NOT get subsidies. They live on very little on land and in houses that their families have had for many generations. In California it costs a LOT just to hang on to what you have. Most of them raise grass-fed beef and their land is the only place left where wildlife can still live. That said, thank you for your extensive investigative work. Things like that give real ranchers a bad name.

    • I would agree wholeheartedly with that. I live right in the middle of cattle/farming country and I’ve got plenty of neighbors who get subsidies a time or two – I understand completely what they’re used for – but they’re NOT getting them each year and they’re damn sure not getting MILLIONS of dollars! I know some who don’t get subsidies at all (we’re one of those) and it’s a damn hard way to make a living. Which is why I’m all the more disgusted with those worthless assholes, the Drummonds.

  • Tori:

    Wow. Jealous much?

    • Rechelle:

      Yes Tori – horribly so. I am so filled with jealousy my skin has actually taken on a greenish cast. I only wish that I could drool out page after page after page of inane, Amazon and Pottery barn commercials for the mindless Reebots to read. Then my life would be complete. And shortly thereafter I would stab myself in the head.

      • Samantha:

        Hey Rechelle, a bit OT but I just wanted to say that I recently re-read about your visit to the PW Lodge/studio-as I call it. The first time I read it I was happily entertained. The second time, I REALLY read it and well I’m in AWE of YOUR TALENT. You are way too clever, it is almost scary. Everything and I mean everything you choose to write on is exceptional even the lighter fare is so thoughtfully structured. You need to get an agent and get hooked-up with a major publication/blog whatever and share your talent….you are one smart cookie and we need more journalists of your caliber out there forcing us to THINK! I also love how you embrace your critics for that alone will make you stronger.

        • Samantha:

          almost forgot…the pie near woman tweets are a daily comic TREAT, thanks for the chuckles.

        • Rechelle:

          Thank you Samantha. I am slowly learning to embrace the critics. Very, very hard to do sometimes. I still mostly want to punch them.

      • V:

        Haha now we are talking. It’s about time you admitted that you are jealous!

    • taylor5622:

      @Tori

      Sockpuppet much, sweetie? You really need to get a new adjective Ree, oh excuse… I mean Tori.

    • REEflux:

      Tori-
      Jealous? Are you serious? That is the best thing you can use for a defense?
      Lemme educate you because clearly you are a nitwit.

      We find dishonesty distasteful. In fact, I (and I’d guess my other pals in this site) are insulted at the expectation of the pioneer woman that we would not notice the heavy editing of her version of “keeping it real.”

      Heavy editing is aka lying. She is a liar.

      Lil ol ms REEpulsive refers to her brother as retarded. She gives him that label freely then “edits”‘ every single post to remove that hateful word and substitute it for “developmentally disabled.”

      Now we have a heavy editing coupled with mean spirited.

      And if this isn’t enough, she portrays herself as “giving back”. The Macy’s commercial, where she doesn’t have time, but sometimes backs some of her lasagna to give away. Nevermind that it is shitty lasagna. And the wild horses…how they provide a sanctuary formthosempoor lost souls. Oh, what’s that you say. A Tulsa tv station pulled BLM records and discovered that those 2,200+/- head are generating a $1.30 per day per horse? I’m sure she overlooked that part…it’s only the government they are taking from…

      So far, we have a heavy editing, mean spirited, charitable posing fool.

      With a herd of wannabes like you trailing behind. You are pitiful.

      You want to post a rebuttal? Please do! I’d love to read that you have some substantive defense other than “jealous” or some other highschool crapola like that.
      Infant believe I wasted Rechelle’s bandwidth. So sorry, Rechelle, dear. This Stupid Sack of Sockpuppetedness had it coming.

  • Lindsay:

    Could someone post a link to when Pie Near Woman visited the Lodge? I’ve gone through a lot of the posts but it must be way back there in yonder archives.

    Also I’m curious, what was it about the VISIT made your lightbulb go off? Was there any one thing that made you go, “hhhhmmmmm, I smell a rat”, or just a culmination of the entire weekend in PW’s company?

    Sorry if you’ve explained this a b’jillion times before already. I’m just super curious.

    Today in PW’s “Confessions” there’s another picture of MM’s chapped ass. And more Charlie talk. I think she’s egging you on, lol!

    • Rechelle:

      Unfortunately, Pie Near Woman has never been invited to The Lodge. And quite honestly, I am not sure she would go if she were invited. The Lodge story is about my visit.

      The two most disturbing parts of my visit to the Lodge were when Ree looked at me and said, “You have a baby don’t you Rechelle?” when she knew very well I did not have a baby and when she hauled out the massive video camera and began auditioning us and I am sure most importantly – checking to see if we looked good on film. I was also very bothered by the tiny breakfast and non-existent lunch. How is it that this fabulous cook couldn’t provide her guests with any chow? Overall, she seemed to vibrate between a very canned version of herself and basking in our adulation. Both of these behaviors made me nauseous.

      • I guess if the meals weren’t necessary for a photo op, nobody gets fed! And maybe you all looked better on camera than she did and so she retaliated by not fixing you a salt and trans-fat filled meal!

      • rozdabiker:

        that was it…that was all? Surely there was something else that is just too repulsive to tell. There must have been something else that happened to trigger all the disgust and animosity.

        • REEflux:

          Rozdabiker -

          It’s always nice to field questions from Sockpuppets. :-)

          Please re-read Rechelle’s post above. She didn’t indicate normdidnshe say that “this is all…”. In fact, Rechelle gave two (2) examples of things that bothered her the most. The really cool thing about hanging with s is that our posts don’t get changed or deleted…so i bet you can search the archives for the “something else must have happened” story.

          What animosiy to you refer to? I’m not seeing it.

          Merely a *burp* away,
          REEflux

        • Rechelle:

          Sorry to disappoint you Roz – but it is really PW’s blog that bugs the shit out of me and not just the fall out from my trip to see her. If the girl could just for one second step outside of her designer bubble world, and write like a grown up, I would give her some slack. Maybe…

      • Lindsay:

        Riiiiiiiiiiigghhtt, right right right right. I’m sorry, I misspoke. Of course it was Rechelle who went and not PNW! Silly me.