Beefsteak Jesus

February 22nd, 2011

Hey guess what!

Last night I went to a basketball game for one of my sons and some of my relatives met me there.  It was really nice of them to come and I was glad to see them.  I had heard that they might be coming to the game, but they didn’t call me directly because these days most of my relatives communicate through my parents or through my children instead of talking to me.  This helps us to avoid infecting each other with our opposing philosophical viewpoints.  But since neither my parents nor my kids try very hard to keep me informed, I am often in the dark about what is going on with my extended family unless I find out by accident.  It’s kind of like attending a seance to find out who is coming to Thanksgiving dinner.  I sit at a darkened table.  The medium starts to shake and vibrate and the room gets smokey.  Then the medium throws her head back and in a thick, muddy voice begins to chant a rune about cranberries and sweet potatoes and how many place settings I will need. I try to decipher it, but I can’t really make out the details, so I just stumble home hoping against hope that there will be enough mashed potatoes for everyone.

So when I walked up to the ticket-taker to purchase my ticket for the game, she said, “Your family is here!”

“They are?”  I asked, thinking how in the world does this ticket-taker know who my family is?  And then the reality of being a blogger came crashing down on me, because how else would this person know who my family was?  Then the ticket-taker said, “I told your niece that I loved her shirt.”

“You did?”  I said.  And now I am thinking what shirt?  What was on her shirt?  What kind of shirt are we talking about here?

“Yes.” the ticket taker continued, “I loved her shirt!”

And then I started thinking that if this ticket-taker reads my blog and can recognize my family, then this ticket-taker also knows that I am an atheist and she knows that this has caused some problems between me and my family.  And maybe this ticket taker thinks I should stop being an atheist and start being a decent, bible believing christian again. And maybe the shirt to which the ticket taker is referring is a Jesus shirt!  Yes!  A Jesus shirt!  And the ticket-taker is trying to send me a message about how wearing the Jesus shirt is way better than being an atheist blogger!

And then I started imagining this shirt and what it might look like and the image that popped immediately into my mind was of a meaty Jesus hanging on a cross.  A very meaty Jesus.  A very meaty delicious looking Jesus.  This Jesus in my mind was way more meat than he was Jesus.  And there was smoke – but not from Hell, the smoke was from a nearby barbecue.  And the smoke and the meat and the Jesus all combined together and suddenly I was very hungry for a nice juicy hamburger!

And then I started to laugh.

And I walked into the gym and I saw my relatives.

And I saw that my niece was wearing a KU shirt.

And not a meaty Jesus shirt.

And then I laughed some more and said hello to my relatives directly instead of through a medium.

And then we had a nice time at the game and later eating pizza at a local joint at which I ordered a vegetarian pizza while everyone else had meaty pizza that was not at all comprised of the flesh of Christ.
_________________________________________________________

And now for you viewing pleasure – A quaint collection of meaty Jesus’s that I got off the internet.

Beefy Jesus

T-bone Jesus

Chicken/Sausage/Hamburger/Egg/Bacon/ on bed of cabbage Holy Infant Jesus.

How to make select cuts of Jesus…

Sausage Jesus with sausage kings/Mary/Joseph wrapped in ham robes in front of bacon/sausage manger on bed of kraut.

What is that blob off to the side behind the mini-hot sheep?

And who wants seconds?!?!?!?!

Comments

  • km:

    I am laughing at Sausage Jesus as I type. I can’t see the keyboard I’m peeking through laugh tears.

  • Ann:

    Really? I mean REALLY? If you had a nice time at the game, just freakin’ enjoy it. Why do you have to be so mean about it? By the way, who won the game? Did your son play well? Not important enough I guess. Please be nice, its who you are and why I can’t stop reading.

    • Rechelle:

      How am I being mean Ann? This is a post about me over-reacting to a situation and suffering a temporary meat/Jesus delusion. If I am ‘being mean’ to anyone – I am being mean to myself. And maybe I am being a little mean to Jesus – but since Jesus is only an imaginary character – does it matter?

      • Ann:

        The pictures were disrespectful if they were done to Deputy Dawg. That’s my point. You’re being a reverse snob, Why can’t you let them believe what they want to believe? You have your freedom, give them theirs. Yes you are being mean to yourself, losing your sense of humor seems to be sapping your innate kindness. I know you don’t want my tough love but here it is.
        ps. thanks for Kholera:)

        • Nicole:

          Wow Ann! It seems like you might know Rechelle in real life. So you decide to publicly berate her on her blog? That’s “nice” in your world? That’s “respectful”? Gee, sure glad you’re not my friend. You sound like a world class jerk. There was nothing but a bit of vulnerability in Rechelle’s post with then some funny pictures that would amuse her readers.

          What I don’t get is why anyone who profoundly disagrees with Rechelle’s world views would even read this blog, let alone comment on it. This is a blog for “outside the box thinker” types. When people like Ann comment, it seems as though they want to criticize Rechelle hard enough to maybe forever silence her, or at least restrict her thoughts to “pretty and happy” ones. Rechelle is a writer, not a mommy blogger and I hope she is never silenced by her critics.

        • Rechelle:

          Ann – I have no power whatsoever over what anyone believes. How am I stopping them from believing anything? I am very confused. I think you get a bit defensive when I write about religion and a blockage forms in your common sense. Trust me – I have not lost my sense of humor. That would be why I laughed at myself in this post. Good grief girl!

        • jalf:

          *is completely baffled*

          Are you sure you’re talking about the right post? Or the right *blog*, even?

          I’m not sure how a post like this shows that Rechelle has “lost her sense of humor”. This post looks like self-deprecating humor to me.

          What I didn’t see in the post was any kind of meanness. It’s not mean towards the ticket guy, not mean towards her family, not mean towards Christians, not mean towards atheists, it’s not even mean towards you.

          I enjoyed reading it. But perhaps that’s because I’m a flawed atheist who lacks the gene to detect meanness.

        • Spinny:

          How is Rechelle preventing someone from believing what they want to believe?

          Your overly-angry post at a self-deprecating, humorous story confuses me. Talk about losing one’s sense of humor.

        • susan:

          Ann:

          Losing her sense of humor? Mean spririted? Did we read the same post? You just continue to view the world with your half empty glass.

        • Reading this was like watching that Star Trek episode about the evil alternate universe. Does Ann have a goatee?

          • Bridget:

            I would like to share some anecdotal evidence as why religion is stupid, dangerous, mean and Rechelle’s beefsteak Jesus post is simply humorous and insightful. Okay well I am not going that far into the comparison, but I didn’t know where else to share this story which made me sad, angry and frustrated. Also Rechelle: please ignore my long winded email. I blame my own willingness to over share, as well as, a potent cocktail of coffee & ADD meds. in the morning followed by a proprietary blend of ambien CR, red wine, and loser sweat- made up of my tendency to over share (see above) and desire to convince one of my favorite bloggers to be my friend.

            The other day in my communications class a young girl (blonde hair, blue eyes, the quintessential American) shared her plans for the summer. This summer she is planning on taking a mission trip to a small village in Mexico. This village is very close to some dangerous boarder towns- towns that the police won’t even go into because they are being run and controlled by drug cartels. She is going by herself. When asked if she has any concerns for her safety or has made any plans if the situation goes wrong. She replied that no not really because her religion has taught her to have faith that Jesus will keep her safe and her parents, church and pastor said not to worry because they will be praying for her. There are all sorts of the things that are wrong with this situation.

            Well first before I get accused of being mean. I will say that it is fantastic this young girl wants to go and help out under privileged kids, but how f-ing stupid of her parents, members of her church and her church leader to encourage her to go into an extremely dangerous area of Mexico without any precautions other than prayer.

            She is completely unaware of the dangers she is facing and even admitted to knowing nothing about what is occurring in Mexico. But it is not big deal that the drug cartels are fond of kidnapping Americans, killing, beheadings and then placing those heads into catapults, and most of the towns are dangerous, violent and chaotic. Her parents don’t feel that females should concern themselves with the the evils in the world because men are the only ones capable of dealing with the harsh parts of reality. Also God has a reason for causing the ills of the world and if you pray and are faithful, you will be protected from anything bad.

            I need not explain anymore why it is FUCKING stupid to send this girl down to Mexico by herself thinking that she doesn’t have a care in the world because as she put it, “I have faith. My faith and believe in Jesus is extremely strong and I am also a nice and good person. I am not going to act like every other American.”

            Yeah, but you are going to look like every other American girl and I seriously hope that she doesn’t get kidnapped because no amount of faith or prayer is going to get her released. Also she doesn’t care what happens to her because she is doing it all for the glory of God. I hope she doesn’t get tortured because God is going to help her from feeling pain, anguish and humiliation.

            The sad thing is if she comes back in one pieces. It will be just more proof to her and her family that God exists, prayer works, and Jesus is the only safety measure you need. Forget actually using your brain, logical reasoning, and intelligence and trying to be realistic and smart when you are 18 and traveling to a dangerous area.

          • Bridget:

            That was suppose to read God isn’t going to protect her from feeling…

            I wanted to add. I don’t understand a religion that is willing to send a young girl into a situation that has the potential to get her raped, killed, maimed, or kidnapped. What ever happened to protecting and educating the young and teaching them how to protect themselves before sending them out on mission trips. Listening to her talk. And just to make it clear: I am not taking a class during the middle ages and she didn’t say she was going on a crusade. Just on a mission trip.

  • Mo:

    The cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes,
    The little Lord Jesus tastes great with pan-cakes.

    (Not mine, the meat-manger was on a caption “this contest” on DListed.)

    (And that’s how I’ll sing that verse for evermore.)

    Rechelle, the break done you good!

    • Mo:

      Oh my quotes are all screwered up.

  • Anna:

    I don’t think the pictures were disrespectful at all. How are they any different than the multitude of people who seriously claim to see their savior in french toast? Do you really think that a god, if there was one, would bother with french toast? Or stains on a wall? Cloud formations?

    Rechelle, lots of us are living parallel lives, today my aunt told me not to argue with my spouse because “you never know when he might be called to heaven” , to which I snickered because he’s just as much an atheist as I am. And people don’t give up, which is our problem.

  • Lynda:

    LOVE the meaty Jesus pictures! Mo, had to snort at your song, too funny. Glad you had a nice visit with your relatives.

  • I think the meaty baby jesus has a carrot boner.

    • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

      Susie, that is one of the greatest sentences I’ve ever read in my life. Thank you!

    • susan:

      What a hilarious comment! And what a contrast you are to Ann. Thanks

  • I think if there was a god, he’s got more important stuff to do than make a guest appearance on our breakfast. The meaty Jesus (awesome band name!) pictures are fun! I don’t think Jesus or his dad ever said we couldn’t laugh. I don’t find these pictures to be disrespectful of Jesus at all. There are plenty of things done, often by people who claim to be religious, that are far more disrespectful (I’m looking at you Catholic priests) to Jesus than a meaty nativity on sauerkraut could ever be.

  • DenverLARK:

    Rechelle,

    The disturbing, meaty blob, behind the sheep, is a CAMEL! I had to google it and found this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/g-rock/sets/72157603647848118/with/2172008007/

  • action squirrel:

    I have the same wonderfully warm connection with my relatives. It is such a delight!

  • Heidi:

    I am not offended by your meaty Jesus pictures and only wonder why those people didnt take their meat on tour to make some money.

    When our back door started losing all it’s paint last winter, our neighbor told us he was sure he saw the face of Christ in all the paint chips. I scolded him for not telling me sooner so I could be on Oprah with it.

    And, yeah, I’m a Christian. But I think we are still allowed to laugh.

  • Ann:

    You are all such unbeleievable assholes. This is your audience now Rechelle? I meant the picture where the crucified Jesus was cut into meat parts. You and your new readers are as mean and unjustified in your tirades as I’ve ever experienced. I think you should go back to christianity and be a catholic…I mean you’re pope material…you never make one fucking mistake. Not that I want to be associated with this mindset but FYI I’m an atheist too fuckwads.

    • Rechelle:

      Ann – I am really struggling with the amount of anger you seem to be feeling about this. I don’t think there has been any response that could be described as a ‘tirade’. I make plenty of mistakes – but I don’t see one happening in this particular post. The ‘Jesus cutlet’ poster is not anymore bizarre or cruel than the idea of crucifying a person for someone’s sins is it? Besides, Catholics do claim to literally eat the body and blood of Christ, so why not create an inspirational visual to go with it?

    • I’d say it takes an “unbelievable asshole” to stomp into someone’s comments and start telling them off on what is and what is not acceptable and/or disrespectful. It isn’t as if Rechelle made those images herself. She pulled them off the ‘net because they went well with what she was thinking to herself at the bball game – plus, they’re pretty funny, really, given that people seem to see the face of jesus everywhere, and as Rechelle says, there are church-related rituals that just about equate to cannibalism (eat of my flesh and all that).

      What is wrong with you? Someone piss in your cheerios today, or are you this self-righteous and overbearing about everything that you need to go around being just as offensive as the level of offense you have taken (for reasons that no one here can apparently see, I’d add)?

    • susan:

      jesus Ann!!! I surmise many of us fuckwads have been following Rechelle for some time as she has struggled to find her voice. Myself, 3 years.

      Tirade. TIRADE?!?!? What got your panties in a knot today. The anger baffles me.

    • Ann, you seem really angry. I pesonally find you’re coming to Rechelle’s blog and calling her readers ‘assholes’ and ‘fuckwads’ to be much more offensive than the ‘Miracle of Transubstination’ picture. Maybe you’re low on iron and need more red meat in your diet?

      • Jesus Meat.. Very Serious Business.

    • Spinny:

      Rechelle’s readers are mean? Are you faking this strange and unwarranted outrage? I honestly don’t understand what you are talking about.

    • jalf:

      Perhaps you should read Rechelle’s post again. The entire post was about how she made a mistake.

      She’s not saying she “never makes mistakes”, she’s pointing out a mistake she made, and laughing at it.

      is it possible you misread, or misunderstood her post?

    • M C:

      I found the crucified Jesus poster to be incredibly disrespectful as well. The rest of the post (pictures included) was fine and humorous.

      • Mo:

        I don’t mean this in an inflammatory way at all, but why do you find the crucified meat Jesus disrespectful but not the others?

  • This reminds me of…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1-bbz3crjw
    You should totally check out That Mitchell and Webb Look on Netflix if you haven’t yet – they have three series up now.

    • Jo:

      mitchell & webb. very funny.

  • The manger scene caused me to laugh so hard my iced tea came out my nose! Hate when that happens! Rechelle, I am going to assume this is your fault, since others seem to be misplacing anger as well. Your fault, all your fault! Why can’t people laugh at the silly things? I thought all the pictures were funny Rechelle! :)

    • LucyJoy:

      While I wasn’t drinking iced tea, I did snort! How funny!

      Could the “blob” possibly be a camel?

  • Rosie:

    “Blob” is a camel.