Pie Near Woman Has A Birthday Dream!

January 9th, 2011

I love you guys so much!

Thank you so much for all the wonderful birthday wishes that you left yesterday along with the links promoting your own blogs, your businesses, your products and you personal masseuse services!  Also thanks to my sister in Tayhoss for plumping up the comments in her own special way!  Love you little sister!  You complete me!

As for the rest of you!

Come here.

Closer.

No Closer!

Closer.

No.

Closer.

CLOSER!

I said CLOSER GOD DAMMIT!!

.

.

I love you guys!

‘sigh’.

I am so contented right now.

So fat and contented.

Just like an old broken down milk cow!

Hey!

Watch this!

I can lactate on demand!

Now come here!

Closer.

I said closer.

CLOSER!

CLOSER YOU IDIOTS!

*crickets!*

I just love you guys so much!

Sometimes I…

I…

I…

I just want to breastfeed you!

I know!

But I can’t help it!

I have so much to give!

It pours out of me night and day.

Day and night.

Night and day.

Day and night and night and day.

And I want to share it with you.

I want to nourish you from my loins.

I want to feed your soul with the nectar of my heart and my soul…

And also my bosoms.

Love you, Love you, love, love, love, LOVE YOU!!!!!

Look at how much dirt I swept off my floors yesterday!

*crickets!*

Well… I didn’t really sweep them myself.

Lawsie Mercy!

I don’t sweep my own floors!

Who is going to feed the world from her soul and her heart and her bosoms and her loins if I am sweeping my floors?

Actually, Tia Juana, Marlboro Man’s half breed third cousin who lives in our basement and is allowed to come upstairs and clean the house when we are asleep, swept them for me.  I told her she better take a photo of her work to prove that she was doing it correctly or it was right back to the reservation with her!

I just love illegals!

ALSO!!!!!

I had a dream last night!


I was (typical) getting ready to take a bath in my kitchen aid mixer…

When suddenly big shiny droplets of my plentiful milk began to pour from my ta tas!

I didn’t know what to do!

But then I thought…

MILK BATH!

And suddenly my hands were caked with cow manure!

Because Marlboro Man had roped me and dragged me though a field!

And then he branded me!

And then DAVID from the QVC was suddenly beside me and I said,”David, get your ass in this milk bath that I squoze from my very own hidey holes!”

And then Bobby Flay showed up!

“Bobby!  Bobby!  Bobby!  Bobby!”  I screamed.

And then I told him that I used to breastfeed my babies during his show because whenever I see Bobby -

my bags swell to the fullness of the land.

And Bobby said, “You have told me that like twenty times already.”

“Have I told you lately that I love you?”  I asked him.

“You had me at hello” he replied.  And then he jumped in the tub.

AND THEN TRISHA YEARWOOD APPEARED!

” Trisha!”  I squealed.  “Is it really you?”

“Yes.”  She said.  “It is I.”

“Because it doesn’t really look like you.”  I insisted.

“It is I”, she insisted and her face got all hard and stony and then I instantly recognized her.

“Oh my gosh Trisha!  It IS you!  Come and partake of the juice of my loins!” I giggled.

And Trisha greedily took a long noisy draught from the tub and when she finally lifted her head from my foaming white essence

she turned to me and said,

“It tastes like Ginger.”

And then Marlboro Man appeared out of the mist.

His fine haunches poking though the billowing clouds…

Followed by his forearms and then came the rest of him…

(Which is sort of a blank to me.)

Marlboro man said he could smell my nectar all the way down in the south north western forty!

And that it was feeding time.

“Climb on in Baby!” I exclaimed.  “You know I always save some for you!”

And then it started to get crowded and boring and repetitive

and to feel plasticky and overwrought and really, really tiresome

and there was no focus or new content.

Just the same old boring stories

day after day after day after day after day

and I could see the writing on the wall so I decided to cash in while there was still time!

And write a children’s book!

ABOUT CHARLIE!!!!!!

Don’t chuckle.

.

.

.

Once upon a time…

There was a dog named Charlie.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him!

Ha ha ha ha ha hah ohoh hohohohoho hwohwohoaso

hahahah araharthra hrehe hehehah anana hahrhr hahahahahahah

ahahauhauhuahu hauhau hauhau huahuhawu hawuha uhwu ahwuh uhawuhawu hauwh

wauhhahuahwoahhauhwhoahwuowhoauhowuhohawouhouhwaouhwouhoahohwohwohoahowuhoahwoh!

And this dog named Charlie was a basset hound.

But he really, really, really, wants to be a cow dog.

But he can’t.

Because basset hound!

So he stumbles around the ranch in a series of foibles!

I love the word foibles so much

Foibles, foibles, foibles!

FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES!!!!!!!!!!!

FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It totally makes me lactate!

And Charlie tries to be a cow dog, but he can’t because his owner makes him stay in the house all day so she can take photos of his nether regions for the internet and Charlie gets real sad about it!

He gets real, real, real, real, sad!

But no one can tell that Charlie is sad.

Because basset hound.

And so he runs away!

But his short legs and his long ears and his lacy black negligee makes it very hard for him to run very fast!

And then his owner finds him and drags him back to the ranch!

The end!

.

.And this is when my publisher told me that lactating women, Spanx, butter, and photos of my husband’s ass are not really a good combo for the children’s market.

So I called Tia Juana up from the basement and made her write the Charlie book for me.

She replaced the black negligee with a bowl of homegrown radishes.

And no… I didn’t grow those radishes.  I have never grown an actual radish in my life because WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO WRITE ALL THESE CHARLIE POSTS IF I AM TAKING CARE OF A GARDEN!?!

Maybe I should get Tia Juana to grow me some radishes?!?

Is it possible to garden in the dark?

Love ya more n’ my luggage!

Pie Ny Why Oh Why Deedle Wheedle Dum Dum D’oh!

Comments

  • Jennine:

    YESSSSSSSSSSSS! A Pie Near Woman fix!
    Bravo, Rechelle. Bravo.

  • Bridget:

    You have me at speechless. I am cheering you on from my computer desk. I love you a whole lot more than my luggage, I thank god that you were given your sense of humor, it is only through jesus that you can be so constantly funny, insightful, and creative. Oh wait it must have been Jesus and Ree that have given you these gifts. Yes saying all this with my tongue in cheek.

    After my night cap wears off. I want to come write some pie neer style comments to go along with this latest barbie theater. All I have to say is how great you are. How I can’t wait to read the charlie book. I bet it is going to be great. You are so smart and clever how you keep finding new crap to sell to the shleeps.

  • Oh good lord! I can’t stand this kind of laughter so late at night! I nearly peed my pants at the “foibles, foilbles, foilbles…..” (try saying that fast 3 times)!! Love your sense of humor!

  • Mo:

    I love your new comment disclaimer! But not as much as I love this latest installation of Pie Near Woman…this has got to be the best one yet, so good it makes my loins ache with fullness!

  • Now that was damn funny. I hope this is all going to end up in a book someday.

  • I am laughing so hard my guts are cramping. OK, I read it about 3 times and my favorite line is, “Marlboro man said he could smell my nectar all the way down in the south north western forty!”

    Wow….

  • Lori:

    LOL
    You are starting to scare me…..
    :)

    When will you address PW’s tingling hieney?

  • Nancy:

    “my bags swell to the fullness of the land” – that’s when I lost it. Still laughing!

  • annmarie:

    First of all, I never got around to saying how much I loved the David Cross video. Very funny. I wish it didn’t cut off when it did. He is funny and insightful. Also, you are funny and insightful. I read PW the other day and almost puked when I saw she was wrting a book about her dog. I read her posts just to aggravate myself but it’s not healthy because I end up just getting mad at what a moron she is and how much people love her moron behavior, but I know you will always come through for us. Whe I am reading her, in the back of my mind I am hoping you are also reading her and gathering new material for a new post. You have a terrific way of sifting through her crap. I love how she said her whole family was going to go on her tour with her and then oops, no they aren’t. She said the same thing last time. And OMG! that post about her dream. I wanted to stab myself. Really, her site is like a car crash. I want to look away, but I usually end up looking anyway. I’m sick and need help.

    • Rechelle:

      Annmarie – I can completely relate to what you are saying here. I used to get a stomach ache every time I read her site. It is crazy how something so stupid can set off such an intense physical reaction. Ultimately, I think I was trying to reconcile what she said on her blog with what I knew about her reality and it made my mind contort into horribly twisted shapes and this caused my stomach to seize up and this made me feel sick. Okay – maybe that is not exactly what happened, but the minute that I realized that she was one hundred percent full of shit, that there was not a single word on her site that was truly authentic or based in anything approximating reality, I started to be able to read her site without feeling sick. Now I read her site for inspiration. No. One. Inspires. Me. MORE! We need to start a recovery from PW website. Kind of like recovering from religion but a lot dumber and probably a lot more fun.

      • annmarie:

        Oh, I love that idea – Hi, my name is Ann Marie. I started reading PW because a friend told me how much she loved her so I thought what the heck I’ll give her a try. At first I thought she was just kind of silly and long winded. I was disappointed my friend thought her worthy of a recommendation and wondered if my friend wasn’t as smart as I thought she was. I didn’t say a word though. I didn’t want to offend my friend. I kept reading and liked her less and less, but then I read her comments and thought there was surely something wrong with me for not drooling over her the way the rest of the internet was. I figured I must be jealous, but then I thought , no, I just don’t like her, she writes like a moron. Then she started asking people for opinions about how to decorate her million dollar second home and I figured at that point people would see what a jerk she was, but people got even more excited and I started to feel even worse about myself. But then just at the moment when I thought I would explode Rechelle wrote a hilarious post about bringing headlice to the ranch and I got very excited and now I have these pie near woman posts to help me through. Thank you for providing this service.

        • Bridget:

          I need to join this group. I can bring the PW cinnamon rolls or would that go against our goal? Hi, my name is Bridget. I need help with how to deal, handle, and understand the bowl full of crap that is the PW website.

      • Bridget:

        Rechelle: Do you really think that everything on her site is a farce? Did she make up the whole how I met the MM story? I wouldn’t put it pass her, but she must have no shame to make up that story. Well no self awareness. What else is false? I am dying to know.

        • Rechelle:

          Bridget – I don’t even know how much of it she actually writes. There is something so deeply unsettling about it and so strangely disconnected from anything resembling real ranch life. If you have ever been to a ranch or known a rancher – her telling of it is just so bizarre. You are now going to think I am crazy, but I used to think that two gay guys who lived in a penthouse overlooking Central Park in NYC wrote that blog and they were having a high old time fooling a bunch of religious homeschoolers in Oklahoma and Kansas and upscale California housewives. I thought that it had to be written by two gay guys because it just seemed kind of gay to me and I don’t mean no disrespect, but it did. Like a gay New Yorker’s satirical take on ranch life in Oklahoma. It was all about musicals and Ethel Merman and Vivien Leigh and photos of men in chaps and her husband’s ass and high end designer goods and fancy dogs and well… doesn’t that make much more sense than the actual story?

          I grew up around ranchers. Their lives are brutally hard. They work like the devil and barely get by. Their marriages don’t last. Their bodies are broken. They are hobbled and broke and scarred and hunched over. Their houses are a disaster except for the perfectly clean front room that is covered in animal hides and elk antlers. They only vacation in Colorado and that is once every six years for four days except they come home two days early because they are eaten with worry about the herd. Their wives and their children are stunningly beautiful with dark hair, intense features and flawless skin, but they are destined for a life of heartbreak, hardship, and horseshit unless they run to the city and never look back.

          That is my experience with ranching.

          You don’t see none of that on PW’s blog.

          • km:

            Add in incessant rain that means cow muck everywhere and you have farming in Ireland:)

          • My husbands family has been part of the feed lot business for a long time. I am big city folk, having grown up in Chicago. Before I went to the lot I had an idyllic picture of what that life would be like. After the first visit I realized how back breaking the work is. It’s a crazy existance. Up at 4 am to feed cattle, read bunks, get the sick ones out, and on and on… And there’s NO break. Those cattle have to be fed every day. And the flies! Hate the flies! Just this year, having been in the business for at least 25+ years, my father in law retired. To say his body has been broken by his work life, is a sore understatement.

          • Bridget:

            No that makes complete sense. I can totally understand how it would seem that her blog was written by gay New Yorkers. That actually makes more sense then saying that her blog is written by Ree herself.

            I just checked out the Charlie book on Amazon and I looked at the other books bought by people who got the Charlie book, and almost all of the other books were about Christian parenting or teaching your kid about evolution and the world the Christian way. Many of the Christian parenting books were some of the scary ones that you read about on the No Longer Quivering website. I truly wish these religious nut cases were worshipping the website of two gay guys.

            I totally get that she does not portray ranching correctly, but I at least thought that she was telling the truth about parts of her life. I need some serious Pioneer Woman rehab. My guilty pleasure is to read through the comments and laugh and laugh and get angry at what people are saying. They don’t realize that they aren’t talking to a real person and instead believe that Ree is sitting with them in their living room. Wake up people.

          • joy:

            Ever seen “Christmas in Connecticut” with Barbara Stanwyck?

            IMDb’s description: “A food writer who has lied about being the perfect housewife must try to cover her deception when her boss and a returning war hero invite themselves to her home for a traditional family Christmas.”

            Guess who I thought of when I saw it for the first time last month?

          • Rechelle:

            Yes. I’ve seen it. When I visited PW’s ranch – she tried to make her chocolate sheet cake and threw the batter in the trash, she screwed up her cinnamon roll dough and threw that away too. We did eventually eat some of her rolls and I thought they tasted like store bought refrigerator rolls. Then she tried to make us breakfast, but srambled only eight eggs for six adults. We had zero lunch. Dinner was nice, but it was salad, mashed potatoes, and steak that her husband grilled. Funny… It’s almost as if we were in the home of someone who had no idea how to cook and very little skills in hosting company! Hmmmmmmmm…

          • joy:

            Too funny! And very weird. How can you screw up batter that you make in such enormous batches all. the. time. ?

            Also, Bridget, I read the comments sometimes too, just to torture myself. My favorite one today?

            “I just read your blog entry and because of you…I’ll have a wonderful 2001.”

            The whole thing makes me shake my head but it really highlights the fact that some of them aren’t exactly living in the here and now…

          • Bridget:

            @joy: what amazes me about the comments left on her website is that she gets hundreds of comments on a blog post that is just drivel, but everyone needs to chime in on how fabulous she is. She posted yet another post about the cows on the ranch and some how she already has 75 comments on a post that she makes every other day. I don’t get it and I dont understand why it bothers me so much. I know that it is not from jealously, but I am not sure from where it stems from. I just like trying to figure out human nature and why people love stupid, inane drivel.

          • joy:

            @Bridget: Yes to all that!!

            What’s really sad is how many of them say things like “I want your life!” or “Please invite me to the Ranch!” It’s like I can’t look away sometimes.

            Obviously she has figured out that she can have as many “sheep” as her husband has cows.

          • Iona:

            Few ranchers are the 76th largest landowners in the U.S. (Drummond Land & Cattle own a collective 120,000 acres.) or have so much land that they can sell a parcel of it for nearly $20 million back in 2001.

            With that kind of money, it was easy enough for PW to sponsor big giveaways to earn her even more money. Her old contract charged advertisers $25 to $40 per 1,000 impressions. Since she gets an estimated 13 million to 20 million hits per month, even if she only gets half of what they charge the advertisers, she’s easily making six digits a month. I can only imagine her current contract gives her more money, otherwise, why would she have switched?

            That BLM money now looks like a pittance huh?

            BTW, are you as sick to death of her “on her way to law school” line? As far as I can tell, she wasn’t actually accepted into any law school? She was just at home, thinking about applying. Is that more palatable than saying she wasn’t doing anything and directionless when she met her husband?

          • lytha:

            your theory makes sense — recently she mistook a horse for a donkey in a pet photo contest. shouldn’t someone who lives on a ranch be able to identify a horse? this horse was not donkey-like in any way.

            giving away her old clothing to her commenters is freaky. and of course there’s the creepiness of the awe of her followers.

            although some of her recipes are really good (restaurant style salsa), i have a hard time with her descriptions of her bodily (reproductive) functions.

            thanks for the laugh this morning,

            ~lytha in germany

  • eclecticdeb:

    O
    M
    G

    Too funny. I almost blew coffee out my nose.

  • Diane:

    Terrific!!! Also, you went to a great deal of work to set up the story line and photograph all the ‘scenes’ the way you did!

    I guess I should go over to see what Pie Near Woman is writing about but frankly, I stopped reading her 8 years ago (or at least 6 anyway) because she makes me sick to my stomach.

    I can’t believe she has the kind of following that she does, but then again I can’t believe people follow Lady Ga Ga (Gag me) or many other public figures, so I guess it just proves how many people have the IQ of a soap dish in this country, now doesn’t it.

    • Kait:

      Oh come now. Lady GaGa is just a trend and she will go away soon. Besides, she can actually sing which is hard to say of many others out there.
      The only thing that really gets on my nerves is reality programming. It is all about as real as Pioneer Woman. And that tripe that is Jersey Shores! Give me a break. I can’t even watch the commercials.

  • the editor:

    Okay, I thought you went over the top on this one – way over the top. Then I looked at the PW site – the first time I had read it in months.

    I take it back. I take it ALL back.

    Who knew that she actually would blog about a dream, write a book about her dog (saying “please don’t giggle” – don’t worry I didn’t), and humbly – but oh so forcefully – push her ever expanding brand in virtually every paragraph? All done in the “Gee willikers, aren’t I just adorable?” voice that rings through every. treacly. sentence.

    After skimming through her “confessions” I felt chastised. Chastised for doubting you.

    Truth is indeed stranger than fiction; and in this case she grindin’ out some pretty strange fictions about her truths.

    Someone, please take away the Kool Aid.

    • Rechelle:

      I forgive you for doubting ‘the editor’ mostly because you just described the word ‘sentence’ with the word ‘treacly’. Fabulous.

  • Kay in KCMO:

    I snorted really loudly and obnoxiously at ‘hidey holes’ and at ‘lifted her head from my foaming white essence’ I completely lost it. Poor Tia Juana, having to live in the basement…

  • JoanS:

    Regardless of whether you like her or whether her site is built on fantasy rather than actuality, Ree has built an enormously successful site without makiing fun of any other blogger’s site. With your quality of writing, Rechelle, I believe you could also achieve a highly successful site without poking fun at another’s efforts.

    • Jaime:

      JoanS: Satirical writing REQUIRES that we look outside ourselves and observe the absurdity in the world around us. PW definitely qualifies as absurd. To describe Rechelle’s writing as “making fun” is just plain ignorance on your part.

  • LMAO! Tia Juana, killin me! It’s so wrong yet so right! Thanks for makin me giggle!

  • A milk bath!! OMG!!!! Too Funny!!!

  • Skattebol:

    Rechelle,
    You are so freaking hilarious. This was awesome…
    Jill

  • OMG, you.are.awesome!

  • Elizabeth:

    This is pretty creative for a 4 year old.

    • taylor5622:

      @Elizabeth Jealous much? Exactly who are you? One of Ree’s many sock puppets?

      Keep up the great work Rechelle! You have made my Monday morning. Food for thought: maybe next time you could photograph Pie Near Woman, et al in the Cuisinart…while it’s running.

      Keeping it real.

    • Bridget:

      I don’t think a 4 year old would have been able to pick up on the resemblance between Trisha Yearwood and the bearded Ken doll, but the rest of it. Yeah it shows the same maturity as four year old and that is why it is Brillant. I definitely think that Rechelle’s blog has graduated junior college at least while Ree’s blog is still on a sixth grade level. Wow this comparsion is more fun than I thought it would be. I will stop now before I demonstrate that I have just now entered into my teenage years even though I am a 30 year old woman. Elizabeth how old are you?

    • V:

      LOL I agree! If Rechelle didn’t waste her time on being jealous she could actually do something cool like writing a book … Just saying…

      • Bridget:

        I can’t think of a more over used, trite, and/or generic phrase than just saying. Just say what you want without that little disclaimer. It is also one of the more bitchy/cunty things to say. But then I am just sayin.

        • Bridget:

          Also I am not jumping to Rechelle defense because she can do that all on her own. I am just jumping in defense of some higher purpose- the purpose that Jesus gave me to point out how annoying the just sayin phrase is. Just sayin because Jesus told me to.

          • Rechelle:

            Hey Bridget. Do you ever read that homeschooling nazi lady on the homeschool page? I would love to hear your take on her. She is just plain scary to me.

          • Bridget:

            Which homeschooling Nazi? The main contributor to the homeschooling site? I would gladly give you my reaction to her. I just want to make sure it is the right one. I am having a hard getting a gauge on the main contributor. I am currently without work and school doesn’t start until the 24th and all I need to do is pass my calculus final with a 77%. Meaning I have lots of time on my hands and it would be fun to give you feedback on the homeschooling Nazi.

          • Bridget:

            The homeschooling Nazi is scary. Also it seems that by homeschooling her children that she is ushering in the second coming of Christ. Her children being Jesus. It is crazy how well PW knows her audience and just plugs right into their brains with her website. The homeschooling section scares me.

  • Skattebol:

    “They don’t realize that they aren’t talking to a real person and instead believe that Ree is sitting with them in their living room. Wake up people.”

    I love your statement. So perfect…. Her following reminds me of the Stepford wives.

  • susan:

    ‘nether regions’………….just hilarious!!!! That is one of many buzz words that were spot one parodied.

  • I was struck dumb by the notion the she would really write a book about Charlie. Really??? And low the world has gone dark. The book, exists.

    • rozdabiker:

      Of all the things I understand about Pioneer Woman from reading her site, writing a book about her dog seems the most real. Obviously she can write at a childs level and I’ll bet the book will be a fun read for a 4 year old. Heck, Barbara Bush wrote a book about her springer spanial Millie and no one critized her or doubted that she wrote it. I wonder what Pioneer Woman will do with the proceeds of the book?

      • Jenny:

        Totally agree–the caliber of PW’s blog proves that writing books on a child’s reading comprehension level comes naturally to her.

        I recently flipped through her cookbook at the library and determined that it too must be intended for children. Why else would it include a recipe for frying an egg in a piece of bread? The endless photos of galloping mustangs looked like the trapper keeper I had in 5th grade. My eye twitched as I read the explanation of what grits are along with a closeup photo and the helpful hint that they can be found in the cereal aisle of the grocery store, “near the oatmeal.”

        Wow, no shit! I realize there are people who haven’t made grits before, but surely adults are capable of navigating a grocery store or (gasp!) asking someone who works there to help them find something.

        It astonishes me that so many grown-ass people bought that book. I thought about tossing the library’s copy behind a shelf, but was afraid someone might request it and inspire the librarians to buy a new copy so I resisted.

        Stay strong, Rechelle! Power to the people!

        • rozdabiker:

          Jenny
          awww, no…..give credit where credit is due. The PW cookbook might be heavy with pictures and words but there are some real gems of recipes. I use several of the recipes from the book and enjoy them a lot. The pie crust recipe alone is worth the price of the book. I know I can google “pie crust” but one gets thousands of recipes and PW’s is really good and really easy. Even better I didn’t have to sift through a google search. I have found her cookbook to be a rather basic but good cookbook.

          • Megan:

            Really, because 1) the pie crust recipe isn’t even her’s and 2) it was the grossest thing I have ever eaten and literally ruined my Thanksgiving pies. I had to go out and buy more ingredients to make new pies the next day.

          • TXAggies:

            Rechelle – I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!

            and yes’m, Jenny …. Pioneer Woman’s hallowed “cookbook” is but a mere compilation of tried and true recipes, some are tweaked or twisted a bit – but they came from those so very familiar PTA , Junior League and Church fund-raiser cookbooks … a bunch of recipes that you can find most anywhere, with some pretty but redundant photos

            Gotta say though, the woman’s chutzpah and her $$$$$$ success just freakin AMAZES me !!!!

  • taylor5622:

    I had to laugh at Ree’s latest posting on her “Everywoman” blog. This one had food photography tips. According to “Everywoman,” food looks exquisite when photographed on Herend’s Rothschild Bird pattern, a five piece place setting of which runs $545. Never use Jadite dishes “Everywoman” admonishes. More moderately priced, Jadite runs a fraction of Herend’s cost.

    Keeping it real.

  • DenverLARK:

    And yet another exhilarating Pie Near skit! Well done, Rechelle. Thanks for keeping me entertained. (You totally had ME at “hidey holes” — HILARIOUS.)

  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Basil Bazalgette, Bailey Green. Bailey Green said: 10 Things I've Learned About Food Photography: 1. Everything looks better on Herend Rothschild Bird http://bit.ly/h99S8a @thepioneerwoman [...]

  • Just Me:

    OH MY GAWD!!!

    hilarious, sad, sick, and twisted

    thanks

  • V:

    So, basically, your new comment disclaimer means that you are going to spam the comments you do not agree with? How’s that for keeping it real :-)

    • the editor:

      I note that *your* comment still made the cut.

    • Rechelle:

      V. You old fishbag you! Funny girl! So funny! Ha ha ha ha haha ha!
      You are just pretending to be a dumbass right? Right?

      • Skattebol:

        Rechelle,
        Having read your blog for awhile now, I think you write very well and are extremely articulate. So I continue to ponder how individuals can misinterpret what you are writing. You very clearly state in your comment disclaimer that you will spam a comment if it is a personal attack or if it is boring and has been stated numerous times. As such, I am having tremendous difficulty understanding V’s comment to you, as nowhere do you state you will spam a comment from someone who has an alternate opinion.

        But, I am also trying very hard to understand why so many individuals worship Ree Drummond. So maybe I will never understand individuals in the world of blogging….

    • Reading comprehension not high on this year’s new year’s resolutions list, I see.

  • Jennie:

    PDub recognises true love when she sees it…and she isn’t in the least bit patronising – check out her comment on this post at her pal, Julie’s, blog:

    http://www.anotherchanceranch.net/2007/01/the_wedding_of_.html

    Pity we can’t all be photoshop fantastic isn’t it Ree?

    Oh, and Recehelle, we watched True Grit last night – thanks for the review!

    • Oh my STARS! Who is the person who does that blog! It seems that she was making fun of that couple & the wedding party! Am I wrong?

      • Jennie:

        Julie is a very good friend of Ree’s – they like to attend rodeos together, spout faux Christian values and extol the virtues of their husbands. Julie was one of the main “cheerleaders” at the ranch during the Bobby Flay throwdown.

        They also both enjoy looking down their noses at people less rich and/or attractive than they are…

        • I like you’re quote, “faux Christian values.” There are those that say athiests can’t be moral….What’s so moral about a “Christian” (who claim to be the most moral of all people) obviously poking fun at that couple…. Sick.

      • Sasha:

        Horrified by that blog post by her friend Julie, and that she commented on it. Those bloggers are not people I could ever admire if they think that’s an appropriate stab at humor. Or even interesting. Or even funny. It’s just mean girl mean.

    • What I noticed at that link: “our prayer list”, which consists of two cancers, one recovery from surgery, a Marine getting ready to deploy, and…..a job search? One of these things is not like the other, and reminds me of certain relatives of mine who ask for people to pray for them to pass a test (hey, how about studying?) or to pray for them while they go out and cut the lawn (no kidding).

    • Rechelle:

      That is the strangest blog post I have ever read. And I have read a lot of them! What exactly was the point?

  • sandy:

    I’d give my left nonlactating boobette to have your writing skills!

  • Johanna:

    You need to be writing for Saturday Night Live. Your writing is brilliant!

  • Samantha:

    Rechelle your Pie Near Woman is PERFECTION! I read them over and over and see more and more in them each time. Your writing and your artistic eye never fails..IT NEVER FAILS to be spot on. Thanks for keeping it real!

  • Sharon:

    All I can say is that I love the satire and your sense of humor:)

  • I quit reading PDub several years ago when I finally figured out that it was mostly b*llshit. BUT….not before making, or attempting to make, several of her recipes. The cinnamon rolls did not come out; the pot roast was tough as shoe leather; and the cheese/herbed potatoes with cream cheese gave both my husband and I diarrhea. Really.

    Now I just peek in there once in a while to see the bumb ditch is up to. See what a marketing degree from USC can do for you?

    Thanks for “keepin’ it real” Rechelle.

    Jules

    • rozdabiker:

      Jules…..LOL……do you guys always have sensitive digestive tracts or is it just PW’s recipes?

  • Lori:

    ‘Now I just peek in there once in a while to see the bumb ditch is up to.’

    Me too Jules. Me too.

    Lori

    • Kait:

      Me three. What I can’t stand are the comments of love and respect and crap that her drivel seems to attract. I cannot believe there are THAT many stupid people. Gaaah. I still think they want to stay on her good list and perhaps one day they will win a Kitchen Aid or a knife set or hell a used shirt!

    • I even post every now & again to see if my “contributions” will get deleted. After her pile of dirt post, I suggested that maybe her kiddos start sweeping up the floors. Yech. That was a disgusting post. I’m so tickled that Rechelle poked fun at PW’s dirt piles!

  • Betsy:

    You follow Ree pretty closely, don’t you?

    • Mo:

      I’m only guessing, but probably as closely as you follow Rechelle.

    • Rechelle:

      No one inspires me more.

  • Leslie:

    First: I adore you. You’re smart, thought-provoking, and you have some kind of effing genius for parody.

    The reason I was pressed to comment this time (and I could gush and gush about a million (foibles!) parts of this post that crack my face up, but this is more than that):

    I’m reading Purple Cow and just got to the little section about how you know you’ve reached success and created something “worthy” when it invokes parody.

    And immediately I thought of this, and her, and this …

    And. She’s created a Purple Cow.

    Add that to the ranch roster.

    Sigh.

    • Rechelle:

      Thank you Leslie. I do realize that the PW parody is a sort of compliment to PW although I would like to point out that I have been mocking PW for years – long before she was the lead salesperson for Amazon toolkits. I take comfort in Stephen Colbert’s parody of ‘Papa Bear’ and my mind is eased. My hope is that the parodies make people think about what they consume. Not that they need to stop reading her, just that they take their daily dose of PW with a very large grain of salt and don’t allow her ‘lifestyle’ and her ‘non-stop barrage of accolades pointing them to participate in empty American consumerism’ to direct their actions. I guess I am offering PW immunizations. So that people can read her and not be infected.

  • Jody:

    Ha-ha-ha, this was hysterically funny! I’m linking you for sure as soon as I get a blog ! You’re my dream come true – I thought I was the only one who couldn’t stand her. I thought I was petty and small minded – now I find out that I’m not alone and my disgust was justified! Whew. Relief. Someone else who gtes sick of how perfect Ree is and how she acts like her life is so facsinating and everything about her family is so awesome.

  • Nicki:

    Seems to me you were hoping for something more from your little trip to the ole rancho of PW. Something you didn’t get and now you are bitter. You even admit in other posts to trying to be like her! You admit to trying to copy her style. Why? In the hopes of being something you are not?! Having something she has? Dont be jealous of her. Be yourself, Seriously – don’t you realize you only have the following on your blog now becuase of her???? You got too much time on your hands! It must have taken you ages to write and photograph the above little story….you need to get a life. you need to move on. PW is not everyone’s cuppa tea (not even mine) but making it your life long ambition to bitch about it…..? I certainly wouldn’t waste my time on it – no matter how much I didn’t like something or someone. Put your energy into something positive. you’ll be a happier person for it. I pity you. And I wont be back to visit your site either. That is the beauty of the net. you can read what ya wanna read and leave the rest behind. You need to do that as far as PW is concerned, for the sake of your own sanity, woman! You are showing yourself to be a bitter, judgmental, critical person. Not very becoming. and certainly not worthy of my reading time. In short – you come across crazy!

    • Recycled post, Nicki. Move on.

      The majority of us who read Rechelle don’t find her crazy, but rather, inspired, creative and highly amusing. She neither comes across as jealous or spiteful. She’s generating a brilliant satire of what PW has become.

  • Nicki:

    @LucyJoy – you can be sure I’ll be moving on LucyJoy.

    This website has just as much garbage on as PW’s does. Same shit. Different day….or should that be same shit. different site? Yeah thats it.

    Don’t bother responding i’ll not be reading anything else associated with this site.

    • Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

      Seriously, what is with the “I’ll never darken your door again, and you should seriously consider what my exit says about you” approach to takingyour leave? Seriously, if you don’t like the content, don’t read it. Not that hard. Or skip over the bits that don’t interest you. Again, not that hard. But spare us the melodramatic proclamations, please.

      And, on a more personal note, I follow Rechelle’s blog and I’ve never so much as seen PW’s site. So, no: Rechelle does not Owe It All to PW.

  • Luke:

    @ Michael BAHAHAHA! someone should feed those same lines to Rechelle……”Seriously (Rechelle), if you don’t like the content (on PW site) , don’t read it. Not that hard. Or skip over the bits that don’t interest you (on PW site). Again, not that hard. But spare us the melodramatic proclamations, please.” BAHAHAHAHA! Blogger bashers are so uncool! I’ll never ever understand trashing someone’s blog…if you don’t like it. Don’t. Read. It.