Browsing Archives for January 2011

Brother on Brother

January 10th, 2011

Middle school scrimmage this weekend.

For a short time my two middles were on the court together.

I love you guys so much!

Thank you so much for all the wonderful birthday wishes that you left yesterday along with the links promoting your own blogs, your businesses, your products and you personal masseuse services!  Also thanks to my sister in Tayhoss for plumping up the comments in her own special way!  Love you little sister!  You complete me!

As for the rest of you!

Come here.

Closer.

No Closer!

Closer.

No.

Closer.

CLOSER!

I said CLOSER GOD DAMMIT!!

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I love you guys!

‘sigh’.

I am so contented right now.

So fat and contented.

Just like an old broken down milk cow!

Hey!

Watch this!

I can lactate on demand!

Now come here!

Closer.

I said closer.

CLOSER!

CLOSER YOU IDIOTS!

*crickets!*

I just love you guys so much!

Sometimes I…

I…

I…

I just want to breastfeed you!

I know!

But I can’t help it!

I have so much to give!

It pours out of me night and day.

Day and night.

Night and day.

Day and night and night and day.

And I want to share it with you.

I want to nourish you from my loins.

I want to feed your soul with the nectar of my heart and my soul…

And also my bosoms.

Love you, Love you, love, love, love, LOVE YOU!!!!!

Look at how much dirt I swept off my floors yesterday!

*crickets!*

Well… I didn’t really sweep them myself.

Lawsie Mercy!

I don’t sweep my own floors!

Who is going to feed the world from her soul and her heart and her bosoms and her loins if I am sweeping my floors?

Actually, Tia Juana, Marlboro Man’s half breed third cousin who lives in our basement and is allowed to come upstairs and clean the house when we are asleep, swept them for me.  I told her she better take a photo of her work to prove that she was doing it correctly or it was right back to the reservation with her!

I just love illegals!

ALSO!!!!!

I had a dream last night!


I was (typical) getting ready to take a bath in my kitchen aid mixer…

When suddenly big shiny droplets of my plentiful milk began to pour from my ta tas!

I didn’t know what to do!

But then I thought…

MILK BATH!

And suddenly my hands were caked with cow manure!

Because Marlboro Man had roped me and dragged me though a field!

And then he branded me!

And then DAVID from the QVC was suddenly beside me and I said,”David, get your ass in this milk bath that I squoze from my very own hidey holes!”

And then Bobby Flay showed up!

“Bobby!  Bobby!  Bobby!  Bobby!”  I screamed.

And then I told him that I used to breastfeed my babies during his show because whenever I see Bobby -

my bags swell to the fullness of the land.

And Bobby said, “You have told me that like twenty times already.”

“Have I told you lately that I love you?”  I asked him.

“You had me at hello” he replied.  And then he jumped in the tub.

AND THEN TRISHA YEARWOOD APPEARED!

” Trisha!”  I squealed.  “Is it really you?”

“Yes.”  She said.  “It is I.”

“Because it doesn’t really look like you.”  I insisted.

“It is I”, she insisted and her face got all hard and stony and then I instantly recognized her.

“Oh my gosh Trisha!  It IS you!  Come and partake of the juice of my loins!” I giggled.

And Trisha greedily took a long noisy draught from the tub and when she finally lifted her head from my foaming white essence

she turned to me and said,

“It tastes like Ginger.”

And then Marlboro Man appeared out of the mist.

His fine haunches poking though the billowing clouds…

Followed by his forearms and then came the rest of him…

(Which is sort of a blank to me.)

Marlboro man said he could smell my nectar all the way down in the south north western forty!

And that it was feeding time.

“Climb on in Baby!” I exclaimed.  “You know I always save some for you!”

And then it started to get crowded and boring and repetitive

and to feel plasticky and overwrought and really, really tiresome

and there was no focus or new content.

Just the same old boring stories

day after day after day after day after day

and I could see the writing on the wall so I decided to cash in while there was still time!

And write a children’s book!

ABOUT CHARLIE!!!!!!

Don’t chuckle.

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Once upon a time…

There was a dog named Charlie.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him!

Ha ha ha ha ha hah ohoh hohohohoho hwohwohoaso

hahahah araharthra hrehe hehehah anana hahrhr hahahahahahah

ahahauhauhuahu hauhau hauhau huahuhawu hawuha uhwu ahwuh uhawuhawu hauwh

wauhhahuahwoahhauhwhoahwuowhoauhowuhohawouhouhwaouhwouhoahohwohwohoahowuhoahwoh!

And this dog named Charlie was a basset hound.

But he really, really, really, wants to be a cow dog.

But he can’t.

Because basset hound!

So he stumbles around the ranch in a series of foibles!

I love the word foibles so much

Foibles, foibles, foibles!

FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES!!!!!!!!!!!

FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES, FOIBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It totally makes me lactate!

And Charlie tries to be a cow dog, but he can’t because his owner makes him stay in the house all day so she can take photos of his nether regions for the internet and Charlie gets real sad about it!

He gets real, real, real, real, sad!

But no one can tell that Charlie is sad.

Because basset hound.

And so he runs away!

But his short legs and his long ears and his lacy black negligee makes it very hard for him to run very fast!

And then his owner finds him and drags him back to the ranch!

The end!

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.And this is when my publisher told me that lactating women, Spanx, butter, and photos of my husband’s ass are not really a good combo for the children’s market.

So I called Tia Juana up from the basement and made her write the Charlie book for me.

She replaced the black negligee with a bowl of homegrown radishes.

And no… I didn’t grow those radishes.  I have never grown an actual radish in my life because WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO WRITE ALL THESE CHARLIE POSTS IF I AM TAKING CARE OF A GARDEN!?!

Maybe I should get Tia Juana to grow me some radishes?!?

Is it possible to garden in the dark?

Love ya more n’ my luggage!

Pie Ny Why Oh Why Deedle Wheedle Dum Dum D’oh!

I need to send this one to all my relatives who are constantly sending me the ‘Jesus loves you so much but Obama is the anti-christ and we need to pray him the hell off this planet e-mails’. Do ya think it would open their minds?