Browsing Archives for January 2011

Dear Governor of Alabama…

January 20th, 2011

Dear Governor of Alabama,

This is my son Jack.  He is nine years old.  He is in the third grade.  He wants to show you something…

This is Ethiopia.  It is a country in Africa.  It is where all people came from.  All of them.

It’s kind of a long complicated story, but basically all people on the face of the earth came from this spot and then eventually some of those people began to move away.

Some people moved to Europe

Some people moved to Asia and to Australia…

And some people even eventually made it to the Americas!

None of the first Americans were Christians.

Neither were the first Europeans, the first Asians or the first Australians…

Because there wasn’t even a Christ yet…

But all of those people were from the same place in Africa.

So we are all brothers and sisters Governor.

All of us.

We all come from the same place, share the same DNA and at some point in the human family tree, we were a very close family living in Africa.

Now that family has gotten very big, but we are still all related to each other.

In spite of our different religions, skin colors, languages, cultures and socio-economic levels…

We are all still brothers and sisters.

Jack wanted you to know that Governor.

And he’s a little sad that you didn’t already.

But he has great hope that you are a fast learner!

Good luck Governor!

Remember when this photo was my favorite photo of all time?
Remember when I used to stick it in posts for no other reason than just… because?
Remember how I used to go on and on and on and on about how this was the best picture ever taken in the history of picture taking because not only Colin Firth – but also because Colin Firth in coffee shower?
You don’t remember?

But then things changed.

And now this is my favorite celebrity photo of all time…

It’s not even a particularly good photo…

And it gets even worse when you try to embiggen it.

But it’s still my favorite celeb photo.

Because of the message behind the photo.

Which appears to be located just behind Stephen’s hand.

And that is supposed to be the end of this post.

But then while doing some investigative journalism (like I always do) I discovered something velly intellesting.

Remember when this was my favorite photo of all time?

Because I just told you that it was about nineteen seconds ago.

Well, this photo is not just about Colin and coffee.  It is also about helping.

Colin Firth is part of a campaign to raise awareness about the plight of coffee farmers and the options for consumers to participate in Fair Trade when purchasing their coffee!

I knew it!

I knew he could not be so beautiful for nothing!

Here he is talking about his work with Fair Trade.

And he’s so dang deferential!  Gaw!  Can’t you just be a tiny bit of an irritating bastard Colin?  For Christ’s sake!  You are making me bite my hands off!

He even won an award for his work on behalf of Ethiopian Coffee farmers!

If you don’t have time to watch the interview, Colin talks about visiting coffee plantations and how he felt kind of dumb and useless while there, but then he realized that the one thing he could do was be a beacon of light to the rest of the world on behalf of developing world coffee farmers.  Except Colin doesn’t use the phrase ‘beacon of light’ instead he says something like ‘less of a dumbass’ except not really that either, but he basically comes across as very humble and all self deprecating and so deliciously tolerable that long thick chains of drool are currently pouring out of my mouth.

You probably won’t believe this, but first world countries have a tendency to take advantage of third world farmers.  I know – shocking.  But if you buy coffee that is labeled with the Fair Trade symbol, you are not participating in taking advantage of those third world coffee farmers.  Instead, you are guaranteeing that the coffee farmer gets a fair share of the profits from the coffee he works so very hard to grow.   ‘Tis a very beautiful thing and it only costs you a dollar or two more per package of coffee, while it radically changes the life of a third world farmer.

Many different companies sell Fair Trade Coffee.

And also tea.

And also many other products!

This is the symbol for which you want to look.

So you can give this symbol (cleverly disguised because this is a family blog) to evil corporate coffee companies that care not for the people who grow their coffee.

Colin Firth having coffee dumped on him

And then you can take a coffee shower with Colin.

I can’t remember exactly how it went, but yesterday after reading that stupid post about Pottery Barn quilts on Pioneer Woman I sat down and wrote Ree an e-mail.  I had a few questions for her.  First of all I wanted to know why?


Dear Ree,



And then I asked her what she was doing.


Dear Ree,


What are you doing?


After that, I think I may have used the words ‘pimp’, ‘Amazon’ and Pottery Barn’ in the same sentence.


Dear Ree,


What are you doing?

Does Amazon and Pottery Barn really need you to pimp products for them?


And then I told her to ‘grow a soul’.


Dear Ree,


What are you doing?

Does Amazon and Pottery Barn really need you to pimp products for them?

Why don’t you grow a soul.

Your best blogging pal,



I am eagerly awaiting her response.

I have also started to regularly leave comments on her site.  Since I must read her blog in order to find new material for Pie Near Woman, I might as well leave behind my thoughts and feelings about what she has written.  Strangely, my comments never seem to last long.


In other news!

I found a new parody blog!  They seem to be reproducing faster than a Mormon mommy blogger in a polygamous compound (and can someone please write that parody blog?).  If anyone knows of any more parody blogs, please let me know.  Here is my current collection…

Absentee Daddy – A dead beat dad advises the internet.

The Mommy Project – Kholera Jones blogs about raising her seven kids (Febreeze, Kenya, Hypnotiq, Benjamin Franklin, Godiva, Tsunami, Indonesia, and Exxon Valdeez) in the Ickes Projects in Chicago.  A hilarious, two fisted punch at the absurdity of wealthy white mommy bloggers.

Seriously, So Blessed! – Mormon mommy blogger Tiffany Amber Megan Nicole writes about her wonderful life, her perky yet oh so perfectly ‘preggo’ body, her awesome provider of a husband and her gorgeous baby twins, Alivyiah TreCole and Tridger Kaegrin.


In other other news…

Are you aware of the fact that Monsanto is an evil bastard?

I know it is a weird jump to go from perfectly preggo, Mormon mommy blogger to Monsanto, but I think there might be a tie between these two things.

1.  Monsanto is an evil seed producing bastard.

2.  Salvation for Mormon mommy bloggers is dependent on pleasing man/god/husband by producing quiverful of spirit children through his man/god/husband seed.  I think it is safe to say that anything involving the words ‘man/god/husband/seed’ equates ‘evil bastard’.

3,  Plus both evil entities are about seed and behaving as if one were a God!

I know!


But Monsanto is worse than just plain evil bastard/man/god/husband/seed.  In fact, I think Monsanto, might be the anti-Christ/man/god/husband/seed.  I will even prove it!  Look at the name- Monsanto!  If you rearrange those letters just a little bit you get

Mo – Saton.

Which clearly stands for…

More Satan!

Monsanto = More Satan.

Here’s the deal.

Monsanto makes genetically modified seeds.

Not to feed the world.

Not to end world hunger.

Not to make the world a better place with liberty and justice for all.


Because Monsanto sells Round-up!  And what better way to sell more Round-up than to sell Round-Up Ready Seeds!

So Brilliant!

So Monsanto has manipulated the genes of corn, soybeans, canola, and a few other crops to survive a Round-Up holocaust and they sell these seeds to farmers and then they sell millions of tons of Round-up to go with their seeds so that farmers can blast their fields with enormous amounts of Round-Up and their Round-Up Ready crops won’t die!  Because who doesn’t want to eat food that has been blasted with enormous amounts of Round-Up!






This story gets even BETTER!

Monsanto got a patent on their genetically modified seeds.  Unfortunately, seeds don’t understand patent law and they just go right on blowing into neighboring fields and getting deposited via bird poop on other folks’ land and getting moved about via farm machinery and work boots and you know… this is how mother nature works!

So Monsanto sued mother nature!

But mother nature refused to cooperate, SO MONSANTO SUED THE NEIGHBORING FARMERS INSTEAD!

For having their genetically modified seeds grow in their fields.



Because the judges decided 4/5 in a supreme court case in Canada that intellectual property rights trumps actual property rights!

Doesn’t that make so much sense!

But it gets even worser.

Monsanto’s genetically modified seeds are rapidly polluting the major grain crops of North America.  As stated before, seeds don’t understand the whole ‘patent’ thing and they behave like seeds always have.  They cross and hybridize and interbreed with the next door neighbor seeds which is usually beneficial to plants.  But genetically modified plants are not desirable to everyone.  For instance, Mexico doesn’t want genetically modified corn crossing with their ancient corn. Because get this – it is the diversity of life that keeps life going!  So if some horrid corn blight comes around and wipes out all the genetically modified corn, there will still be ancient Mexican corn!  But if ancient Mexican corn has crossed with genetically modified corn – it might all die.  And then what?  No more corn!

At this point - 86% of corn, 93% of canola, 93% of soybeans 93% of cotton and 80% of papaya grown in the US is genetically modified. Some countries have prohibited genetically modified crops from entering their borders.  Most of Europe wants nothing to do with genetically modified seeds, food crops and the animals that eat the genetically modified food crops.  It’s only Americans, the developing world and a few other countries that are willing to plant seeds and eat foods that come from genetically modified seeds.  Because in America – nothing is more powerful than big business and Monsanto = big, big, BIG business.

The ramifications of genetically modified seeds are still unfolding and by and large, the results are not good.  Not only do these genetically modified seeds have the potential to destroy the healthy diversity of plant life which keeps world wide starvation at bay, they are also designed to promote a type of agriculture that is entirely chemically dependent to succeed.


Let me pour a little more Round-Up on your cereal!


At this point, you cannot tell by reading the labeling on most American food products if they contain genetically modified food stuffs.  Because the government has decided that Americans should not be able to make informed decisions about what they eat.  This is after all a democracy and everyone knows that the essence of democracy is to keep the public uninformed and then call this lack of information – de-regulation.  But you can find a list of foods to avoid here.  You mostly want to avoid anything with corn, canola or soy listed on the label (this includes many preservatives and the ever ubiquitous high fructose corn syrup).  You also want to avoid meat, as much livestock is fed genetically modified feed and the offspring of animals raised on genetically modified feed aren’t faring very well.  They have problems raging from sterility to giving birth to bags of water to weird hair bundles growing on the insides of their mouths.  If you insist on regularly consuming meat that is corn fed from a feed lot (which is most meat)  as opposed to grass finished beef, you might want to check your mouth and your children’s mouths for any unwanted hair bundles.  Do you someday want grandchildren that do not in any way resemble a bag of water?  Then you might consider cutting off all non-organic forms of meat to your kids. Do you hope to have children yourself someday?  Oh boy!  You better start thinking hard about what you eat. If the animals that eat genetically modified foods are sterile in three generations, how many generations before meat eating humans also become sterile?

If you must eat corn, soy, canola and meat, you should buy from a producer who you know does not use genetically modified products.  Or you can buy organic food which prohibits the use of genetically modified seeds and feed.  If you don’t want to change your eating habits, but do want to avoid being part of a world wide seed holocaust, than you need to demand that Americans be informed via food labeling about whether or not they are eating genetically modified foodstuffs in their bag of Doritos/pork chops/ and carton of half and half.

If you want more information on this subject – I highly recommend this film…

It is extremely well done, interesting, understandable, and terribly, terribly worrisome.

You can watch it online here.


Thanks to the work of caring and dedicated consumer activists, environmentalists and generally good people, there have been some recent halts to the work of evil bastard Monsanto (a.k.a. More Satan). Recent court cases have called into question the idea of suing a farmer for ‘gene flow’ meaning that reproductive life can’t really be controlled among plants. Also, the production of genetically modified alfalfa has come to an abrupt stop in the US. Many European countries and Asian countries continue to resist allowing genetically modified products to come into their countries even under pressure from the US as revealed in a recent wikileak. Genetically modified food may very well contribute something positive to the world’s food supply someday, but much more testing, thought and careful evaluation needs to occur before it should be unleashed on an unsuspecting, uninformed public.