Browsing Archives for January 2011

Ladd Drummond in the News!!!

January 27th, 2011

Okay so according to the above embedded news story from Oklahoma Channel 6 news (follow link if the video fails), Ladd Drummond claims that of the $1.04 million dollars the government pays him to take care of the 3400 wild horses that roam his ranch, he profits only one hundred thousand dollars?  Where is all the rest of that money going?  Is he taking these horses to fashion week in Paris?  Does each horse have it’s own masseuse?  Does he feed them gourmet hay?  Does he buy each horse a Pottery Barn quilt for a saddle blanket?

Also – do his profits include the money generated off of his wife’s blog that so stupidly chronicle the mustangs on their ranch?

According to this video, his expenses include:

1. Feed in the winter

2. Salt and mineral in the summer

Evidently it costs nine hundred and forty thousand dollars for three months of hay, salt and mineral in Oklahoma?

What is this mineral?

Solid gold???

Diamonds???

Plutonium??????

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For those of you who aren’t aware of the current debacle that is the Bureau of Land Management and it’s bizarre philosophy on wild horse care, it is a huge controversy spanning decades of love, lust, murder, and meat. I have been working on a post about it for weeks. There’s so much to learn. I may never get the dang thing finished, but I aim to TRY!

In the mean time…

Yesterday the sun came out and it warmed up enough to take some photos for the upcoming Pie Near Woman Rides a Wild Mustang Saga of Love, Lust, Murder and Meat.

Clad only in my third son’s snow-boots and my eldest son’s snow-pants, I played with the Barbies in the snow like a little kid.  My fervent and febrile prayer rising to the heavens that each and everyone of my neighbors was watching my snow encrusted foibles!

I’d like to send a special thanks to Lori for sending me some fabulous BLM mustangs for this story.  She even gave them the proper BLM brand!  You can see it on the little gray horse and also on the one that is almost overwhelmed by Pie Near’s tutu.  And yes, that is a new tutu.  It’s her winter molt.  She also has some new boots.  Closet inventory giveaway to follow!

But back to Ladd and his millions… uh I mean his hundred thousand. The main problem as I see it is this…

The government pays ranchers like Ladd Drummond $1.30/per something called an ‘animal unit’ (au) which equals one horse per day to care for a herd of wild horses.  Believe it or not one animal unit (au) does not always mean one animal.  A cow and her calf is also considered an animal unit.

au = one wild horse.

au = one cow and her calf

Therefore

one wild horse = one cow and her calf

The reason the government ships thousands of wild horses to Drummond and his ilk is so that cattle ranchers in the big western states don’t have to share the public grazing lands with the wild horses.

Let me just break this down…

Cattle ranchers in Wyoming, Utah, Montana, Colorado, California etc want to use public land to graze their cows.

This public land is supposed to belong to you, me and the wild horses, but it really seems to belong to private interests with powerful lobbies in Washington.

Unfortunately the cattle must compete for resources on the public lands with the wild horses who are protected by law and cannot be killed.

According to the BLM there aren’t enough resources on the land to support both the horses and the cattle, so the government opts to move the wild horses to large land barons in primarily Oklahoma and Kansas such as our hero of the haunches, Ladd Drummond.

The government pays Ladd Drummond $1.30 per mustang per day.

The government then charges ranchers who use public lands $1.35 per cow/calf per month.

So the government pays Ladd Drummond THIRTY TIMES what it charges ranchers in the big western states to graze their cattle on public land. Cattle ranchers in the west get cheap subsidized grazing land on which to grow their cows and Ladd Drummond gets rich off the taxpayers backs!  It’s a total win/win!  Yay!

Except taking care of horses is a lot easier than taking care of cows!  You never have to turn a horse into a hamburger patty.

I tell you what!  If I was a rancher I would get the HELL out of the cow business and get myself into the mustang business fast!

And then for Gawd’s sake!  Please write a blog about it!  There’s nothing better than reading about and looking at gorgeous pictures of the wild mustangs that I am paying Ladd Drummond a million dollars to babysit. So awesome!

I ran a bunch of errands in Manhattan (KS) today and opted to pick up some fried chicken at the grocery store in lieu of making dinner.  I knew that not eating that chicken was going to be a struggle for this brand new vegetarian, so I bought myself a small packet of fresh sushi for my own dinner to avoid feeling deprived.  Of course, I had to buy vegetarian sushi which consisted of avocado, cucumber and carrots wrapped inside of a bit of seaweed and brown rice.  Personally, I prefer a nice hunk of raw fish in my sushi, still – it was sushi and the thought of it made me feel like I had a special dinner too.

When I got home, I delivered an ice-cream shake to my eldest son who was home sick with a fever and a sore throat. Later, I went to check on him again and he asked me for some toast.

“You want me to make you some toast?” I asked.

“Yes.” he said.

“Okay.  But you have to think of three nice things to say about your mom when I bring it in to you or I am going to stand here and eat every piece in front of you.”

I then went to the kitchen and made his toast and then I started worrying about Oprah.

Whatever happened to Oprah?

I had read that she was going to make some life changing announcement on her show that involved a family member and that it had totally rocked her world and that I could find out all about it on her show.  My first thought when I read this news was, “Oh my gosh!  The baby lived!”.

I know that was kind of crazy, but that is where my mind went.

Where did yours go?

But then I totally forgot to watch her show, because I have forgotten to watch Oprah since pretty much forever, but it turns out that the big news was only that she has a half sister that she didn’t know about.  So after thinking that maybe the baby lived, this news was kind of a let down.

And then while reading my e-mail, I saw an article about how much Justin Bieber pays for his haircuts and suddenly I realized that I knew nothing about Justin Bieber!

Nothing!

I didn’t even know what he looked like!

But now I totally do.

And then I watched one of his videos and tried to watch two others and my total knowledge of all things Justin Bieber was vastly improved.

And then I took my son his toast and I said, “So what are the three things?”

And he said, “Three things what?”

And I said, “The three nice things you are supposed to tell me because I made you this toast.”

And he said, “Are you really going to eat the toast if I don’t tell you three nice things?”

And I said, “Yes.”

It took him a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time to think of something. And the toast grew cold. And all the hairs on my head turned gray. And then I died. And then my son buried me. And then he gathered with his brothers beside my grave and finally he came up with three nice things to say about his poor, dead mother…

1. You were the best ice cream shake bringer in the world.
2. You made the best cinnamon toast.
3. Your taste in music wasn’t completely terrible.

I want that last one on my tombstone…

Her taste in music wasn’t completely terrible.

After that I made some mashed potatoes to go with that store bought fried chicken and I called everyone in to eat it. And while they all hunkered down over their fried chicken and potatoes, I got out my very special not feeling deprived vegetarian sushi and guess what?

Vegetarian sushi isn’t very good.

You can put a ton of soy sauce on it and smear it all over with wasabi and it is still tastes like cold veggies wrapped inside of cold brown rice.

But I ate it anyway.

While my family ate fried chicken.

Because somebody around here has to save the world.

This one may make your eyeballs bleed. It starts out excruciatingly slow with slides of the same old photos we’ve seen thousands of times and just when you are about to fall headlong into a coma from which there is no return, the narrator begins to quote Ree’s new romance novel…

“The ranch was so removed from any semblance of society. It was easy to completely forget that society even existed, let alone a society brimming with traffic, hustle and bustle and stress. I found it so easy to think clearly.”

I don’t know who was in charge of editing this book, but using the word ‘society’ three times and the word ‘easy’ two times in the same paragraph seems a tiny bit redundant to me. Call me crazy, but could Ree not locate an online thesaurus?  Or how about re-work those sentences jut a bit?

In order to help Ree with her next book which I imagine will be called Black Heels to Tractor Wheels to Unending Spiels and Big Bloggy Deals, I am going to suggest a few simple synonyms for the words society and easy.  That way, she can keep her mind focused on more pressing matters – like taking twenty two thousand photos of Charlie lying on the couch.

“The ranch was so removed from anything resembling civilization. It was easy to completely forget that the world even existed, let alone a non-stop jungle brimming with traffic, hustle and bustle and stress.  I could relax and think clearly.

Now we just need to switch out the uber cliche of the phrase – ‘brimming with traffic, hustle and bustle and stress.” because blah.

How about this?

Let alone a non-stop jungle swinging on the vines of it’s own exhaust.

Now let’s just re-do the entire paragraph…

“The ranch was so removed from anything resembling civilization. I could almost forget that the world even existed, let alone a non-stop jungle swinging on the vines of its own exhaust. The air was clear. The sky was blue.  I could see.  I could breathe.  I could hear myself think.”

There!

Isn’t that better!

Can a jungle swing on the vines of it’s own exhaust?

Who cares!  It’s better!

Next up Ree answers some questions, but her answers are totally boring, so I dragged Pie Near Woman out to give them a little flavor!

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Interviewer – Fill in the blank.  A cowgirl cannot live without…?

PNW – A millionaire cowboy husband, A Nikon D 700 SLR, a Canon EOS 1 Ds Mark III Digital SLR, a macro lens, a micro lens, a micro/macro/micro lens, a closet full of never to be worn designer clothes, a sequined mini, a gilded lily, a designer dog named Charlie, imported mascara, botox, a Kitchen-Aid mixer in every color of the rainbow, enough Jadeite to turn Martha Stewart green, an absurd collection of flowy tops in every obnoxious print under the sun, enough Spanx to feed the world, Limoges, Two MacBook Pros for each residence (guest house, other guest house, other guest house, the lodge, each suburban and the main house), a gardener, a nanny, a private tutor for each punk, a jet, an airport, and a housekeeper named Tia Juana who lives in the basement, does all the cooking and ghostwrites my best sellers!

Interviewer – What is the most romantic thing Marlboro Man has ever done for you?

PNW – Funded my rise to internet stardom.

Interviewer – What’s the most romantic thing you have ever done for Marlboro Man?

PNW – Let him have the hind milk.

Interviewer – Where’s the location of your most memorable kiss?

PNW – With MM?

Interviewer – Uh…

PNW – And do you mean me on him or him on me?

Interviewer – I mean where was the kiss?  What was the location?

PNW – Well it wasn’t on the lips sister!   And I won’t ever forget it!  The branding iron sort of made that impossible anyway!

Interviewer – Um… Maybe we should move on.  Why are chaps so sexy?

PNW – Are you a total dumbass?  I mean isn’t it kind of obvious?  Do you want me to put it on a pie chart or something?

Interviewer – I guess you’re right.  The way they showcase certain vital regions on a man’s anatomy…

PNW – What?  No!  It’s the BUCKLES you idiot!  All those straps and buckles.  They totally make me lactate.

Interviewer – Okay… Um… Paula Dean or Bobby Flay?

PNW – Bobby! Bobby!  Bobby!  My bags swell to the fullness of the land just thinking of him!  And honey!  We gotta lotta land!

Interviewer – Would you rather be forced to give up meat or give up butter?

PNW – Ooooooh! Who’s doing the forcing? Is it Marlboro Man? So boring!  How about Trisha Yearwood? I think she has all the markings of an excellent dominatrix.  Is Bobby forcing me? Can he beat me with a wire whisk first?  OMG!  I am so LEAKING!  Someone get me a dishcloth!  Not that shitty one!  The nice one from Williams Sonoma!  JESUS!

Interviewer – Favorite thing about country life?

PNW – The internet.

Interviewer – You’re stranded with nothing to do but read a book. What book would you want to have with you?

PNW – Where am I stranded?

Interviewer – Uh…

PNW – Can I be stranded at a Starbucks?

Interviewer – Sure…So what are you reading at Starbucks?

PNW – I am wearing a flowy top embroidered in pure gold by the hands of twenty seven Chinese children, expensive complicated heels with thousands of buckles and straps adorn my perfectly pedicured feet, my long red hair that is actually dark brown is hanging down my back in a lush tangle of Nelly Olsen curls… I have angel sleeves… there are a twenty three bracelets on my left arm and fourteen necklaces around my neck.  My earrings feature owls mating with the most adorable chihuahuas…

Interviewer – Not wearing!… ReadingWhat are you Reading!

PNW – I’m not reading anything. I’m modeling my outfit for Starbucks!

Interviewer – But the question that I asked you is what are you reading while you are stranded at Starbucks?

PNW – I’m watching T.V.

Interviewer – There isn’t a T.V. at Starbucks.

PNW – Then I’ll just get my coffee to go!

Interviewer – You can’t! The doors are locked, there’s no T.V., the only thing you can do is read. What are you reading.

PNW – The menu?

Interviewer – It has to be a book. You must be reading a book. What is the book?

PNW – Does People magazine count?

Interviewer – No. A real book.  Like one of your own books.

PNW – I can read my own book?

Interviewer – Is that what you would read?

PNW – Yes!

Interviewer – Which one?

PNW – How many do I have?

Interviewer – Sigh.  Let’s move on to the final question. What are you most looking forward to with your upcoming book tour?

PNW – My fawning zombie fans who laugh on command and being near a Starbucks with no books!

Interviewer – Do you have any closing remarks?

PNW – Ooooh!  I have been practicing and practicing this one!  How does this sound?  I always thought that happiness was friends, having things to do and places to go and Broadway shows, but now I realize that happiness is really about being a famous blogger. That’s how you get contentment… and also love… which I love my husband very much… even though I am stuck on this shitty ranch in the middle of nowhere I still have contentment and love and millions of rabid fans and also millions of dollars! That is how you find contentment.  Love ya more’n my luggage!