A Great Icebreaker – The Plagues of Egypt!

January 14th, 2011

The CD and I recently attended a party where one guest, his jaws well lubricated with fermented grape stood up and attempted to list off the ten plagues of the Egyptian Exodus.  I don’t remember how the conversation turned towards the plagues of Egypt, but somehow it sort of made sense for this guy to stand up and try to shout them out.  I was a stranger to most of the people at the party, so even though I am very well versed in the ten plagues of Egypt, having been taught my entire life that the bible is the most accurate history book in the world, I was a little reluctant to demonstrate my biblical prowess.  Eventually I did attempt to very timidly enter this conversation and I had a lot of trouble convincing this man that I knew my plagues.  After all – he was drunk and he was also a man.  He had no trouble remembering the obvious ones – frogs, locusts, water to blood, death of the first born, but any idiot could remember those!  When he faltered, I hesitantly tried to help him out.  This is how our conversation went… after I totally changed it to make if much more interesting…

Me – “Darkness”

Him – “Darkness?… darkness?  No, no, no.  Darkness was not one of the plagues.”

Me – “Yes it was.”

Him – “No… darkness was definitely not a plague.  Lets see… what else… frogs, blood… death of the first born…”

Me – “Flies”

Him – “Flies?… There weren’t any flies…. I don’t remember any flies…but maybe lice?”

Me – “Boils.”

Him – “Boils?  Maybe boils… but I don’t know… let’s see frogs, locusts, lice, death of the first born, …”

Me – “Hail.”

Him – “Hail?… ” he answered.  “Oh… I don’t think there was any hail…”

Me – “Diseased cows.”

Him – Yes… maybe… I do remember something about cows…”

Me – “Zombies.”

Him – “Zombies?  Ha ha ha!  Now I know you are wrong on that one!  There wasn’t a plague of zombies!”

Me – “Well… actually the flies are sometimes interpreted as zombies.  A sort of hoard of wild beasts intent on killing only Egyptians.  How else would you describe them?”

Him – “You version of the bible must be very different than my version.  My bible doesn’t have any zombies in it.”

Me – “Does your bible have the New Testament in it?”

Him – “It wouldn’t be a Bible without the New Testament!”

Me – “Is Jesus in your version of the New Testament?”

Him – “Uh yes… sort of a central figure that Jesus.”

Me – “Does he die and then come back from the dead in your version of the New Testament?”

Him – “Yes he does!”

Me – “Does his resurrection also bring back a bunch of other people from the dead as well?”

Him – “I seem to remember a story along that line.  Graves being open.  All sorts of people rising from the dead and wandering the streets when Jesus rose from the dead.”

Me – “Would those people qualify as zombies?”

Him – “Uh… I don’t think… ”

Me – “They are basically the undead.”

Him – “That is not really how I pictured those people.  I sort of see them as miraculously healed and whole, running to see their family and being joyfully received.”

Me – “Well that’s one interpretation I suppose, but in my version, they would be more traditional type zombies.  Scaring the crap out of everyone they see, walking around in their grave cloths, looking like a bunch of mummies, smelling like death, rotting flesh, covered in maggots… hopefully they disappeared when the chief zombie, Jesus disappeared.”

Him – “The bible doesn’t really say what happened to them does it?”

Me – “No.”

Him – “So darkness was a plague?”

Me – “Yes it was.”

Him – “Have we got them all?”

Me – “Let’s see – blood, frogs, locusts, flies, lice, boils, dead cattle, hail, darkness and death of the first born.  Yes.  I think we got them all unless you want to trade flies for zombies.”

Him – “Zombies do make a better story.”

Me – “Yes they do.  Zombies always make a better story.”

Comments

  • The bible – it’s always about the better story, isn’t it?

  • Kait:

    One thing that always bugged me was (and don’t ask me what part of the bible it is in cause I never read it) when Jesus “rose” from the dead he supposedly travelled right through the town and “NO ONE” recognized him not even his friends! Really???? Seems funky to me. That whole rising from the dead thing is very suspect.
    Snort
    Snicker
    Guffaw

    • eclecticdeb:

      Maybe because he was covered with maggots?

  • Kait – if you saw one of your friends wandering town who you knew was dead, would you say anything? Not me! I don’t really want to be tossed in the loony bin for seeing dead people. : )

    I definitely think Zombies should be in the bible.

  • You know what the New Testament needs? More zombies. Sort of like Jane Austen, but in this case there would already be some zombies in the source text.

    Also, if you haven’t seen it already, you should really check out The Loaded Bible. (sample | Amazon listing)

  • Rainy:

    Zombies! I totally need to mention that to my ex mother in law! She always hated it when I asked her if Adam and Eves kids had to have babies with each other to continue the human race, so I brought it up often!

    • Mo:

      Hah, that’s the one question I never ever got a straight answer out of anyone about. Incest is best I guess!

  • Joel Wheeler:

    >LOVE<

  • Martha in Kansas:

    Hysterical laughter.

    He seems to become less drunk and more willing to accept your version once you establish your zombie credentials. In your version.

  • Lgirl:

    I wish I had been at this party!

  • MORE ZOMBIES!!!!

  • WVKay:

    Yes. Zombies and incest. It’s in the bible.

  • Brenda:

    Not much of a Bible reader here. I was raised Catholic, not practicing now. My husband is Jewish. We have started a Passover Seder tradition and my favorite part is repeating the plagues. Locusts! Boils! Death of the firstborn! All of us Catholics love the plagues. What does that say about us?
    And I love the zombie idea. Maybe this year we’ll replace flies with zombies. That should go over great with the recovering Catholic crew in attendance.

  • Pshaw, my parties aren’t as exciting, mainly because all my friends are non-believing heretics, like myself.
    As a recovering catholic, I remember being a kid and thinking that the jesus on the cross inside every church was fucking eerie. Zombie-like eerie.

  • Bridget:

    Rechelle: this story reminds me of a quote I posted a few months back that my friend came up with to describe Christianity. In it he compares Jesus to a zombie. I am going to take a look around and see if I can remember which post it was because it is very fitting for the conversation that you had. And not to go all PW reader on you, but the telling of the story truly had me laughing. I gravitate towards people that are in possession of dry subtle wit and humor because these people’s delivery is just so fucking funny. Also I like to take note of their technique to improve my own humor. I think it is so very important for everyone to hone and develop a sense of humor. Well after they have perfected ther daily worship of PW first and Jesus second and homeschooling of their amazing and angelic little lambs third.

    I remember awhile back you sort of talked about the frustration that you felt towards your readers and the comments they left. I am wandering how do you feel about the like of us now. Also have you ever thought of putting up a forum section because there have been a few times when i wanted to talk about some current issue with some of the more regular readers, but couldn’t find a place for it.

    • Rechelle:

      Bridget – I love my readers. All of them. Even the ones that bug the shit out of me. In fact I miss some of the ones that used to really bug the shit out of me… sometimes.
      Forums – I have briefly thought about the idea of a forum. It might be fun to try it out. I have no idea what it would involve to add one, but it is an interesting idea to consider…

      • Bridget:

        My boyfriend and I used to design websites. I can ask him how difficult it would be to add a forum to your site. If you want I can look into the specifics. We might even have a template of a forum that you could use.

        That is good to hear. I am glad that you have come back around to loving your readers because if you don’t like us. I would be happy to tell you how amazing I think that you, how you are an inspiration for us all, and everyday you give my life meaning and fill my days with happiness. Until I started reading your blog. I never knew how beautiful sunrises, show cats, and Trisha Yearwood could be. Alright that is a bit much that might move me into the annoy the shit of you column.

        Do you think that changed when you changed the focus and intent of your website? Or have you loved your readers all along, but you were just sort of in a rough spot at that time? I think I remember reading about around the time you went to visit PW.

        Still looking for that Jesus quote, but it will be worth it once it is found. It is on my prayer list right after I pray for the return of the situation comedy, an overall increase in people’s intelligence, and higher quality movies.

      • jalf:

        Adding a forum would likely be super easy, technically.

        But I’m not sure it’s worth it. They require moderating, they tend to attract people who just want to hear themselves talk (whereas blog comments kind of encourage you to talk about *something* rather than *nothing*).

        In a way, a forum means you’re managing a community, which means dealing with a lot of new issues: how do you make sure newcomers still feel welcome, when there’s this clique of old-timers, how do you deal with spammers, with trolls, with people wanting to discuss the goddamn same thing for the 50th time? (Especially on a site that’s partly related to evolution/religion, I foresee some very repetitive threads where the same people make the same arguments and throw the same insults at each other

    • Priss:

      A friend sent this to me a few years back and I saved it. It’s not what you’re looking for but is still pretty darn funny:

      Creationism Explained

      The universe was created by an all-powerful all-knowing being who
      came down to us in the form of a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father who can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in
      humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

      Yup, that seems about right …….

  • susan:

    Due to your link to ‘the bloggess’ I have been reading her for a while now. So hilarious with her free association thoughts and run on sentences with a definite skewed humor. One of her funniest posts was fairly recent when she talked about zombies with wedgies. What a mind. I often wonder what her husband Victor thinks of her bizarre comments. He is probably the ying to her yang.