Browsing Archives for December 2010

A.  With Pie Near Woman showing signs of wantin’ to breed again, MM separated her from the herd like a wild mustang.

Submitted by Nancy

B.  MM yells into the house, “Kids I found her! She’s spatch-cocked in the driveway again!”

Submitted by Amy F

I can’t decide which one of these captions is my favorite.  The first contender is brilliant and brings me to my knees in it’s stellar incorporation of ranching lingo.

The second one uses the word ‘spatch-cocked’ which is easily the best word I have ever heard in my life even though I had no idea what it meant until I looked it up….

1.  To split open a chicken or other fowl and grill or broil it on a spit.  Spatch-cocked can be used as a verb or a noun.  For instance you can ‘spatch-cock’ a chicken or you can just call a split open chicken a ‘spatch-cock’.  Ultimately, I guess you could spatch-cock a spatch-cock.

2.  To interpolate or sneakily insert words into a work that don’t really belong there.  Promoting your own book in the midst of a speech you are giving on somebody else’s book would be an example of ‘spatch-cocking’.

I have decided to take myself off the hook and let you, the readers decide.  For the next twenty four hours this blog IS a democracy!


(polls)

Barbie Campfire

December 10th, 2010

Is there another blogger that will go to these lengths to entertain you people?

LOOK AT THAT FIRE!

It’s perfectly proportioned to fit Marlboro Man!

It has REAL LIVE FLAMES!

I have smoke in my hair and on my winter coat!

I had to keep that fire going AND POSE THE FREAKING DOLLS AT THE SAME TIME!

THE DOLLS KEPT FALLING DOWN!

The tiny fire KEPT GOING OUT!

It wasn’t easy people!

I could have died!

I could have smelted myself in a BARBIE CAMPFIRE!

New Pie Near Woman story to follow soon.

You ain’t gonna want to miss this one.

You only have to watch the first few minutes to see that people who you know… read books and stuff, could really care less.

Here’s the breakdown.

1. Mindless Reebot introduces Ree Drummond by referring to fabulous ‘The Bread‘ post.

2. Ree approaches microphone and immediately informs audience that she is now a part of the national archives.

3. Her opening joke – She wakes up often with cows on her porch as well as ‘the things that come from cows.” (Baby cows?  Milk?  Burgers?)

4. She gets a weak laugh from scattered Reebots in the audience when she refers to the fact that she has mentioned sweat and manure in her talk already!

5. Audience member who has no idea who Ree is, asks her to explain her cookbook a little.

6.  Ree answers by covering her entire blogging history.

7. Audience is clearly not responding to her canned jokes in the manner to which she has grown accustomed on her blog and at heavily attended book signings.

8.  Ree Tries to warm up distant non-Reebot zombie crowd with one of her fool proof lactation jokes.

9. Lactation joke is a fail.

10. She repeats lactation joke.

11. Lactation joke still a fail.

12. She plays airhead card and claims that when she first started blogging she believed that blogs were only little ole free websites and did not involve interaction from readers at all!

13. Also claims that she started blogging only to show photos of her kids to her mom.

14. Pulls out her big gun and tells ‘James Garner kiss in elevator story’.

15. Audience is unmoved.

16. Pulls out OTHER BIG GUN and tells ‘Gary Coleman autograph in Benihana story’.

17.  Audience remains mostly stone-like.

18. Says that she began to use her blog to record her adjustment to country life from former golf course life even though she had already been in the country for ten years and seemingly would have had plenty of time to adjust.

19. Pantomimes how she took photos of cooking a steak for her blog. ‘I had the camera like this and had the tongs like this…’

20. Claims that her finished food photos are not at all styled.

21. Uses favorite new word ‘assurance’ again.

22. Audience member asks her if The Lodge will ever be a bed and breakfast.

23. Launches into long history of The Lodge, name drops a few other well known bloggers (Smitten Kitchen and Bakerella). Finally answers that The Lodge will not ever be a bed and breakfast because she likes being more, ‘FREE’. does big hand gesture to emphasize ‘FREE’ while laughing.

24. Audience doesn’t get why ‘FREE’ is funny.

25. Audience member asks if she can trade cooking lessons for flying lessons.

26. Ree states that she is terrified of flying because of living in the country for ten WHOLE years and of going nowhere during those ten years and that she just conquered a fear of flying about a year ago.  (PHEW!  That WAS lucky!)

27. Audience member asks her how she maintains so much consistency and yet posts so often.

28. Ree uses question to launch into her tale of how she solved a ‘raging case of writer’s block’ by posting the first chapter of her Black Heels to Tractor Wheels bullshit love story.  Except Ree doesn’t use the word ‘bullshit’ in her explanation.

29. At 15:50 SHE DOES HER FAMOUS ETHEL MERMAN IMITATION!!!

30. Audience members asks about her kids and their comfort level with the blog. Ree states that at ages 13 and 11 her daughters are ‘becoming interested in reading’.

31. Audience member asks her about upcoming movie. Ree answers by mentioning how her parents marriage was falling apart while she was dating Ladd Drummond and then apologizes for depressing everyone in the room.

32. Also says that she thinks Elle Macpherson should play her.

33. Promotes her upcoming children’s book about her stupid dog.

34. Says that the sparsely populated hall where she is speaking is a crowd to her because of her extremely isolated country life.

35. Audience member inquires about Ree’s cat, but really just wants to tell her own boring cat story.

36. Ree responds with her boring cat story.

37. Ree makes really stupid comments about Cowboy Josh.

38. Audience member asks her how many people work for her on the blog.

39. Ree answers this question by once again going back to the beginning of time which evidently started on the day that she wrote her first post. Finally admits that one guy… well actually two guys help her on the ‘back end’ of her site.

40. Audience member asks her about the mustangs and if they are ‘rescues’.

41. Ree answers by talking about cows and then finally addresses the wild horse question as if they take care of the horses out of the goodness of their hearts completely failing to mention the millions of dollars they receive in government payouts.

42. She concludes by using her other favorite word ‘impart’ and tells the audience that ‘if she can do it, they can do it’ then quickly reminds the audience of all her various products for sale and tells them that ‘cooking is not rocket science’ and that ‘photography, finding contentment in the middle of nowhere – that is really what she is trying to do.’

The End.

Amen.