Pie Near Woman Thanksgiving Throwdown Ya’ll!

November 30th, 2010

Hey everybody!  It’s me!  Pie Near Woman!

I’ve got something amazing to tell you!

I am challenging Bobby Flay to a Thanksgiving Throwdown so that I could finally get my sweet, self deprecating, yet so obviously superior awesomeness on prime time T.V. where I BELONG!

For my throwdown dish, I will be making lime jello with pastel mini-marshmallows because sugar, water and food coloring is what nourishes my soul!

Bobby is going to try to beat me with orange jello and fruit.

Good luck with that Bobby!

I guess he doesn’t know that the only fruit we do in Oklahoma…

is butter.

Doesn’t this green jello so beautifully bring out the highlights in my red hair?

In Oklahoma we mix our marshmallows the cowboy way!

You take an old lady… I’ve got my Ga-Ga here….

Flip her over and use her to stir!

I  keep her under for as long as I can to improve the texture and further oxygenate my Jello!

I just love my Ga-Ga’s hands.

When I was a little girl, I used to sit on my Ga-Ga’s lap and ask her to give me the rings off of her fingers.

Not because I was a greedy materialist who just couldn’t get enough bling, but because uh… because I…

Well…

I guess I really did just want those rings…

Speaking of never ending uncontrollable urges to display my wholly contrived awesomeness to the world…

Bobby and I are ready to be judged for our Jellos!

And who better to judge us than another completely unqualified celebrity chef!

Welcome Trisha Yearwood everyone!

Because she knows what ginger tastes like!

Trisha quickly grabbed two fistfuls of Jello (because that’s how we do it in Oklahoma) and asked me where the hell the potatoes were.

“Where’s the damn potatoes!?!” she screeched.

‘I’m a God damned Oklahoman and I can’t go for more than three hours without a hefty platter sized serving of POTATOES!”

I told her that I had put plenty of potatoes in my Jello.

Because isn’t that what marshmallows are made of?

After that – she just started sucking it down.

What a pro!

She sure knows how to judge a cooking contest!

And then she grabbed me by my ass and threw me across the table saying, “Ree!  Show that damned city boy Bobby exactly where he can stick his fruity no-potato Jello!!”

Wanting to please the judge, I scooped up a handful of my marshmallow Jello de-light and slapped it into Bobby’s non-stop yammering yap.

“Your on my turf  NOW Bobby!”

“Quid Pro Quo!”

But Bobby fought back!

He tried to yam up my never stop stutter trap with a blob of fruit saying something like, “If you would just shut the hell up and let me do the talking, this episode might rise above midwestern mediocrity into something resembling a heart warming Thanksgiving special!”

“Oh Yeah Bobby?”  I retorted, “I think you killed it already with your stupid Thanksgiving trivia quiz and your pointless turkey chalkboard chat!”

But Bobby screamed back at me saying, “Not only is your voice as irritating as a broken wheel in a gerbil cage, but everything you say has all the intelligence of freeze dried baby drool.”

“But Bobby!” I gasped, “I used to breastfeed my babies during your show!”

“See what I mean!” he said.

Bobby fought for control and forced me to admit that I can’t get pancetta in my Pawhuska grocery store!

I was just about to falter when suddenly my crowd of pre-programmed PW Zombies started chanting, “REE, REE, REE, REE, REE, REE!”

The crowd’s robotic enthusiasm renewed my strength and I grasped Bobby around the neck with my thighs yelling back at the undead audience, “BOBBY, BOBBY, BOBBY, BOBBY, BOBBY!”

It may have been the most awkward moment in all of television history!

And then Trisha the judge said her mouth was on fire…

but in a good way.

And after a litany of more judging banality to attempt to prove that she has more food smarts than some guy who only runs a Tulsa restaurant every day of his freaking life, she finally pronounced a wiener!

And the wiener is…

Me!

ME!

I AM THE WIENER!

Sorry Bobby!  But Thanksgiving in Oklahoma is all about the potatoes!

And us Okies always pick other Okies!

Because Thanksgiving should taste like that horrible crap your grandma used to make!

Love ya more’n my luggage,

Pie Near Woman

Comments

  • Nancy:

    ” I love my Ga-ga’s hands” with the hand sticking up from lime jello…oh good grief, that killed me. Still laughing…

  • I didn’t watch this on Food Network because I like Bobby Flay, and I didn’t want to see him lose his dignity. But I’m willing to bet that your version is WAY better! I love Ga-ga’s hand, too! LOL!!

  • Wendy:

    You are insane

    /and I love it
    //wait was she REALLY on throwdown?

    • Yes, yes she was Wendy…Poor Bobby…

  • Oh my…I hope you can get the Jell-O out of Pie Near’s hair…Soooooo funny!

  • annmarie:

    Very funny stuff. The worst part of the show ( well, it was all bad) was when they annouced she had won and she said “I demand a recount!” I guess it was supposed to be funny and all “gee shucks, how did little old me win.” I find her so fake and irritating. And why was she wearing spanx? She mentioned that on her blog – said she was wearing them and sweating like a pig. Yuck. The words sweat and food should never be used in the same sentence.

    • Rechelle:

      Dang it! I forgot the recount! I was going to say ‘Ree Count’. I may have to stick it in somewhere.

  • I couldn’t bring myself to watch the show on Food TV but I’m sure yours was much more entertaining. I do love me some Jello rasslin. How’d you like my Okie accent? Not too bad for a New Yawkah, right?

  • Every time I see one of you Pienearwoman posts I can’t but help to wonder how many Barbies you will be getting under your tree this year :)

  • Jennine:

    ~stands and applauds~

    This just keeps getting better and better.

    This post channeled Ethel Merman AND Phyllis Diller AND Mrs. Roper.

  • I don’t usually comment, Rechelle. But this is too dang funny to pass up. I think you should just have a blog entitled Pie Near Woman. You’d get a LOT more comments. Just sayin’. :)

  • Oh, and “broken wheel in a gerbil cage” – BRILLIANT!! :)

  • Oh sweet life! Finally!

  • Deanna:

    I think Trisha needs to lay off the hormone therapy. And maybe off of Ree’s ass, too.

  • Deanna:

    Oh, BTW in Ree’s post today she showed a picture of burnt ranch land and mentioned her penchant for burning cookies and all I could think of was the blackety black toast…

    This totally need to be its own blog. Or at least have its own tab. Or something.

  • Nancy:

    Agreed! Pie Near Woman deserves her own space. So freakin’ hilarious.

  • I had no idea Trisha Yearwood resembled a Disney “man” character so much – but then, they’re all so neuter looking I suppose it makes sense.

    Thanks for the laughs!!!!

    • Emily:

      IKR? I had to lmao @ Phoebus as Trisha Yearwood…

  • Mo:

    So good! OMG GaGa … can’t believe you went there. This was absolutely perfect, but I think I would have peed myself a little if you also had MM standing off in the shadows wearing his hat in the house, hands in pockets with nothing to do. She is creating a world where he will be nothing but a caricature.

  • judy:

    again, sigh.

  • I'm Rhonda, and I'm here to help:

    Brilliant!

  • Jill:

    Brilliant Rechelle! I was laughing my ass off. You should do one on her post about her stupid black heels book being released in February. God, the narcissism…. I tried to post a response congratulating her on the new best harlequin romance, but my email must be blocked now (if that is possible), however, I doubt she and her sheeples would get the sarcasm.

  • Karen:

    Thank goodness I am not the only one annoyed by her “mistyping” the word “winners” as “weiners.” Stupidest gag ever.

  • Barb:

    Best one yet, Rechelle!

  • Linda:

    OMG, I love it.
    I agree this needs it’s own header or blog.

  • Teri:

    Brilliant….. totally made my morning.

  • Barb:

    It’s too bad that you have to rely on the popularly of another blogger to make your blog work. Haven’t you noticed that your following has greatly diminished since your rantings began? And all of your commenters seem of your same caliber.

    Why can’t you live and let live? She seems able to turn the other cheek to you. The web is huge. Why tangle yourself in with someone else? Talk about your own life and leave others alone. I enjoyed reading you when you actually wrote about you. Why are you so angry and explosive? Jealous, maybe?

    Why don’t you just “not read her” – just like I am going to do to you.

    Bless you, Rechelle. You need some serious help.

    • So why are you here again? Why do you and others like you feel the need to ‘police’ what is written on this blog? If you don’t like it, why do you bother to come here and read it? It seems like all it does is get your knickers in a twist and that can’t be good for anyone. Why can’t you ‘live and let live’, and let Rechelle write what she wants? As you said, the web is a big place…

      • judy:

        I’m one of those who doesn’t care for the Ree bashing…but I come back to this site because I do find much of Rechelle’s writing interesting and thought provoking, whether I agree with it or not. I think Rechelle could draw a following on religious, etc., issues without Pie Near Woman. I agree with Barb…live and let live.

        • Rechelle:

          Judy – I swear to the God that I no longer believe exists that as soon as Pioneer Woman stops being the most annoying person in the blogosphere, I will stop making fun of her.

          • km:

            Hi Rechelle, isn’t it bizarre how much of our lingo has God stuff in it. If you were Irish Irish like me you’d be doomed to struggling for words if you had to omit the religious (and indeed the swearing).
            The Jesus, Mary and Joseph’s, the God love him sympathy, Holy Mother of God, Sweet suffering Jesus exasperation, God bless serves as goodbye,etc etc. Really it’s completely inherent in a lot of our expressions. It’s not any kind of mindful prayer. It’s just a part of regular everyday speech even for the atheist/agnostic.

            .

    • jalf:

      “Why can’t you live and let live?”
      Why should she? Would the world be a better place if everyone just let everyone else be? (and on the other hand, do these posts harm anyone? As you say, Ree seems to survive. So where exactly is the problem? Rechelle seems to have fun with it. So do many of her readers (I never even heard of the Pioneer Woman until I got here, so I don’t really pay a lot of attention to these posts, but they don’t bother me either). The only ones who seem to be upset by it are people like you: a few straggling commenters who for some reason feel hurt by Rechelle making fun of someone else, and yet they keep reading it. If Ree had a problem with it, I’m pretty sure she would say so herself. I don’t think she needs you to be her watchdog. So I’m left wondering why it bothers you so much. Are you worried for Ree’s self-esteem? Or that Rechelle is going to develop some kind of psychosis? Or is that *you* feel you’re being targeted somehow?

      And getting back to “live and let live”, are we all better off alone? Should we not be criticised when we do stupid things? Should we not state our opinions when we disagree? Should we not try to learn from each others? Or prevent those we disagree with from causing *too much* damage to the world?

      And that’s why I replied to your comment. Instead of “live and let live”, I think the world is a much more interesting place if we sometimes confront each others with our disagreements. I would hate to live in a world where everyone were allowed to do what they pleased, and no one else were allowed to interfere, comment or criticise. So I’m not going to let your viewpoint stand unopposed. If Rechelle has a beef with someone, why *shouldn’t* she post about it on her blog? Just like you should go write on your blog when there’s something you want to tell the world. That’s what blogs are for.

  • annmarie:

    Okay, I have to keep coming back here and looking at this because it was so funny and now I think my favorite part of all of this is the fact that in the background of one of your pics it looks like one of your kids, or maybe it is your husband, is sitting reading something. It’s the pick of Ree with her legs around Bobby’s neck. I don’t know why, I just love that someone is reading while you are doing this stuff. Seriously, it’s charming.

    • susan:

      I hadn’t noticed that annmarie! He has headphones on too in order to drown out all the throwdown smack.

      very funny Rechelle.

  • I normally can’t wait to read a Pie Near Woman episode and this was no exception. But what I really like is to read the comments.

    Unfortunately you’ve driven all the humorless, catty ones off. How can we get them back Rechelle?

    • Rechelle:

      I miss them too… sometimes.

  • Diane:

    Great as usual. I had no idea Ree was so FAT, and yet has that husband who stays slender from working his rear off! You can tell she just cooks; bakes, eats – takes photos and repeats it over and over.

    As to Bobby losing, I don’t THINK SO! Just because Ree had mashed potatoes that are the easiest thing to make in the world, should NOT have resulted in her being favored. I think Bobby is a gem for being such a sport, but I imagine they did it because of ‘politics’.

    Ree is a fat-A-capitalist and a spoiled woman – a bad example of what a woman should be!

    • km:

      Meow!

  • Elizabeth:

    I’m so confused. I’ve been reading PW’s cooking blog for years. I’ve always taken her persona with a grain of salt because I’m never that cheerful, I’m not a Christian, and I have about as much in common with her as a boa constrictor. I just appreciated her simple recipes when I was first learning how to cook.

    I’m not a die-hard fan, though, and I came across this blog when I searched her husband’s name. I’m not one to shy away from alternative viewpoints of people, so I was really interested in reading about your trip to the Lodge and what you saw behind the PW mask. As a cynical, sarcastic person myself, though, I really don’t understand your hatred for her. Yes, she has done well for herself. Yes, she has taken advantage of the resources available to her. Yes, she tries to market herself in the best light possible and minimizes her flaws. What exactly is so awful about that? She had the audacity to marry a rich man and therefore she has no credibility as a blogger? You seem to hate her “keepin’ it real” tagline, but I honestly couldn’t get any indication of how she was NOT keeping it real when you visited the Lodge. I don’t know what you expected her to be and how she failed to live up to that image, but it does seem like the level of vitriol you have towards her seems wildly high. Why? Because she failed to serve you enough eggs and tried to videotape your political views? Even if she was playing the popular girl and tried to neg you by asking if you’d had a baby, why does it bother you so much even now? If she was really playing the popular girl role, then she’s got her own issues and insecurities which have no impact on you at this point, and the Pie Near Woman character or whatever makes you seem vicious and petty. What’s the point?

    • Ethel:

      Here, here, Elizabeth. Give it a rest, Rechelle.

      • Why don’t those of you who can’t understand or appreciate humor and/or satire give it a rest and stop reading this stuff already if you can’t pull the pole out of your rear end. The white-knighting is getting pretty old, and you never have any new material.

  • TXAggies:

    BRAVO !!!!!!! BRAVO !!!!!!!!!! BRAVISSIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    PW DID look rather chunky on the show, didn’t she ??? So much for being all flowy and willowy as I had supposed ….

    HAH

    Keep up the great spoofing, Rechelle !!!!!!!!!! We need you !!!!!!!!!

  • Sharon:

    FYI–www.thepioneerwomansux.com is back up and running.

  • Leilani:

    Hear, hear! :P

    I thought it was hilarious, Rechelle! Gotta love the “pre-programmed PW zombies!”

    “I’m not a fan of Ree’s, nope not me, I just found this place by searching her husband’s name. And then wrote an essay defending her!”

  • Suzanna:

    I agree with Elizabeth and now we are talking how “chunky” she is???? What is this junior high! Been there, done that….and too chunky myself for the t-shirt! :)

    • Rechelle:

      If you want to read a website that offers non-stop praise to the she-god known as Ree Drummond, I think you know where you can find it.

      Yeah – the fat jokes are a little stupid, but the queen of butter and spanx and flowy shirts did kind of set herself up for it.

  • Bobbie Thompson:

    All the trash from Kansas is blowing all over Oklahoma.

    • Meme:

      Yeah, I caught that too.

  • Lisa:

    I have to wonder what CD thinks when he walks in on you creating and photographing these elaborate tableaus. What does he say? Or does he just turn around and walk back out the door? If it were me, would the husband be pleased that I’d found a satisfying new hobby? Or would he be alarmed? Do tell!

    • Rechelle:

      I wish I could answer this question, but I can’t. Let’s just say that we don’t exactly agree.

      • Lisa:

        At any rate, I love it! :)

  • Stacia:

    I read both blogs, but I get the humor behind Barbie Theatre, so this doesn’t offend me. Please, never stop this Pie Near Woman series. I haven’t laughed so hard in years!

  • laughing so hard it hurts…
    thanks!!

  • joni:

    I noticed the kids were all sitting behind Ree as she cooked, then I noticed a woman with them, dark hair and a pink shirt. I wonder if that is the nanny? P

    I felt bad for Bobby, he is a talented, classically trained chef. Ree is really not any competition for him. It was rigged.

    Hy’s sweater/vest thingy was unfortunate. Missy is a cutey, although she didn’t get to say much. I guess Ree can’t a have pretty woman still the spotlight. Ree looks a bit rough around the edges, maybe some of her money can go to botox.

  • sandy:

    Love it………..as usual! Thanks for making my day!

  • Bridget:

    My christmas wish or well my winter solstice wish is that you would do a Pie Near Barbie episode that pokes fun of the comments that she receives and/or one about her gift giving guide or how her home & garden section has turned into one big shill.

  • Cincha:

    This was hilarious! I chanced upon that woman’s site a few months ago…and yeah, she is really annoying. I live on a farm (not a ranch), and my husband is NEVER as cleaned up as her husband is. My husband WORKS–logging, clearing brush, messing with the beef cattle, plowing fields, planting hay…I have a real job, and he’s a mailman when he’s not farming with his dad, because if we depended on the farm for a living every year, some years would be pretty lean.
    I think she married into money, wrote a hideously banal and annoying story about it, and talks waaaaay down to her readers. And homeschooling…yech. Homeschooling turns out lil’ robots, in my experience.
    Eh…just wanted to say your little photos were amusing as hell. Ty.

  • OMG I love it!! I laughed until I cried!! You gotta do this more often!!