Pie Near Woman and Photo-Chopping Your Babies!

November 22nd, 2010

Hello everyone!  This is Pie Near Woman!

Today I am going to share some of my favorite tips for photoshopping your punks to bloggy perfection.

Here we have a nice little girl.

I really like her cowgirl get-up because it exudes a wholesome, midwestern vibe that makes my stat counter spin out of control.   But her face lacks a little something that I like to call – marketability.

Fortunately, I had another little girl in the back of my pantry whose face has blogability written all over it!  Sadly, her skirt is short enough for a stripper and that doesn’t play well to my broad base of religious homeschoolers.

Let’s photo-chop her!

Remove the head from the first little girl.

This might seem a bit extreme, but if you want to attract the largest demographic on the internet – young fertile women in heat – you have to get down on your hands and knees and push!

Now grab a hold of that prettier little girl in the slut skirt.



Remove her head too.

And simply recombine!

Isn’t she so much more blogworthy now!

Let’s try a boy!

Here we have another merely average looking child that doesn’t exactly exude ‘blog star’.

Seriously!  Would you re-visit a site twenty times a day with kids that look like this?

I am SNOOZING!

There’s only one way to fix a bland little boy.

Grab a hold of a virile cowboy.

Yank off his head.

Snip away the boring blandness…. (shudder).

Haul out the big guns.

And stick it on!

Whenever I see a baby that looks like this….

I start to lactate.

Oh my gosh!

My mammary glands are gushing at the site of these beautiful, bloggable babies!

My flowy shirt is drenched!

See!  Anyone can have beautiful babies like mine!

It’s just a matter of turning your kids into the undead.


Somebody!

Anybody!

Please get me a breast pump before I start to nurse this lap-full of marketable adorableness!

Love ya more’n my luggage!

Pie Near


Comments

  • Hilarious, Rechelle. This may be an award winning post.

  • OMG! If I have nightmares tonight I know these dolls are going to be a part of them!

    You are having WAY too much fun with these dolls! Love it!!

  • Jennine:

    Pie Near Woman’s photo-chopped babies made me lactate AND ovulate.

    PERFECTION!

  • Ah Rechelle, satirically mocking shallow douchebaggery as only you can. <3

  • Sue:

    Total awesomness! Is that a word? Whatever, I can’t stop laughing!

  • Those flowy armed shirts are just the god awful ugliest and I’m no one to talk but have to mention that all that butter is really putting the pounds on Pie Near Woman’s face.

  • Rachel:

    WIN. You are a genius.

  • Heidi:

    I see a Saturday Night Live Skit here. Brilliant!

    Now please excuse me; when I saw the scissors I choked on my donut…..

  • Don’t know what to say except I am laughing my ass off! The Ken doll head on that little body is killing me. Now I know that no blood was spilled making this, but the tip of your glue gun is burned and it looks like blood. Kinda made this twisted soul giggle more!

  • Vee:

    Loved it!! I need a pair of scissors like that!

  • Marewood:

    I’m curious… if you dislike her so much, why give her the attention?

    • eclecticdeb:

      Uh DUHHHH….It’s funny????

  • I love your satirical wit!

  • Photo-chopped, is so perfect!

    I was beyond excited when I saw Pie Neer Woman this morning on your blog! There is nothing better than starting a Monday morning with rip roaring laughter.

    Thank you, thank you!

    Cat

  • That was golden.

  • Jill:

    This was the best yet…. And I did not think you could outdo The Bread post.

  • HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Ohdeargracious, that was some funny sheeiite! Ha!!

  • the editor:

    You. Are. Too. Much.

    I was wondering how one deals with insanely high foreheads.

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    Saw the Throwdown on the TV guide last night so recorded it for shits and giggles (and the ability to fast forward.) My husband and I watched it just before midnight with beers and ice cream. We managed to watch the whole thing, although that was mainly to give us time to finish our beers and ice cream. His final verdict of the show: “I can’t wait to see Rechelle do this with Barbies.”
    You have another Pie Near Woman Barbie Theatre fan.

    • Rechelle:

      I still haven’t seen it, but have photographed my version already. I really want to watch the actual version though because I am afraid I will miss something good. Hope it shows up on Hulu soon.

      • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

        You won’t need much butter, but you’ll need mashed potatoes. It’s all about her mashed potatoes. She cannot mention enough times how Bobby better have mashed potatoes, and her potatoes will beat his mashed potatoes, and this is Oklahoma/country/blah blah and there better be mashed potatoes, and hers are the best, and oh these mashed potatoes are so special, they are made from Yukon Golds and they are just the most awesome mashed potatoes ever, blah blah blah mashed potatoes.

        • Karen:

          Oh, that was so annoying. Is it just me or can you have mashed potatoes at nearly any other dinner throughout the year? Seriously, what is so damn important about mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving? Stuffing, now–that’s something most people don’t have at other meals throughout the year.

          I am not a Bobby Flay fan, but he got robbed. His meal looked way more appetizing than PW’s Plate of Beige. It was so…brown. Brown turkey, pale potatoes, brown stuffing, brown gravy. Oh, and brown pie.

      • NCme:

        There was a portion of the show where she made her “guests” raise their hands to her questioning, which I found hilarious, and yes, at least one of them was about mashed potatoes.

  • Kim K. in Western PA:

    Love it. Pie Near Woman is the best.

  • Rechelle, do you know the story you’re telling before you start taking photos, or do you just let it develop and write up the story later? Along the way?

    This is the sort of action I was always disappointed not to have with my Barbies as a kid. In the commercials they could stand on their own, and drive cars and stuff.

    Love it.

    • Rechelle:

      I have a story in mind, but I don’t write it until I have the actual photos to work with.

      It is really hard for me to end a sentence in a preposition. I always want to add ‘bitch’ at the end to make it right – like the birthday card. Have you seen that card? That is the funniest card. It goes like this…

      Friend – Where’s your birthday at?
      Other Friend – Don’t end a sentence with a preposition.

      Then you open the card at and the first friend is saying, “Where’s your birthday at bitch?”

      As you can see, adding the word ‘bitch’ as an instant fixer to sentences that end in prepositions so that my original comment would read like this….

      ‘I have a story in mind, but I don’t write it until I have the actual photos to work with, bitch.’

      But I figure that most people wouldn’t get the joke and I would be even more hated than I am already. So I will just stick with my original answer…

      ‘I have a story in mind, but I don’t write it until I have the actual photos to work with.’

      Even though ending that sentence with a preposition it is making me very uncomfortable.

      • Mackenzie:

        I’ve never seen that card before, but it is my new favorite.

        Also, I totally died when the scissors came out. Horrible <3

      • Jenn FL:

        I bought that card for my sister. I love it.

        These skits crack me up every time!

        • Barb:

          I purchased that card for my niece last year. Got such a funny response, I purchased a second one to have on hand.

      • Shelley:

        I LOVE THAT CARD!!! My coworkers & I re-use it & give it to each other at our birthdays (scratching out earlier signers). I think it actually says, “Where’s your birthday party at, bitch?”

  • PegK:

    HI -LARE-EEE-OUS.

  • NANCY H:

    I have never felt so good and so wrong at the same time.Help me,Rhonda.

  • judy:

    Sigh, Ughh. Guess I’m alone here. Still find the rest of your blog very interesting, whether it is a post I agree with it or not. Always thought-provoking.

  • Mee Too:

    This is on par with Tina Fey’s SNL Palin debate skit. Hits every note perfectly.

  • susan:

    per usual you are so hilarious Rechelle.

    By the way, does her GI-NORMOUS forhead bother others???? OMG…she really needs bangs to minimize. That is all I could think about when watching Throwdown…and the fact that part of her mouth DOESN’T MOVE!!!!

    • M C:

      Did you really just make fun of a pre-teen girl? That’s low.

      • Rechelle:

        This comment makes no sense.

  • Karen:

    I would like to go on record as stating that it uncategorically creeps me out when mothers refer to their older-than-a-toddler children as “babies”. Seriously. Her youngest is what, six? She calls him her baby. Creeps. Me. Out. It’s like that horrible, horrible children’s book “Love You Forever” where the grown woman breaks into her adult son’s home and rocks him while he’s sleeping. *shudder*

    My youngest is nearly 4. I haven’t referred to him as my “baby” since he turned two.

  • Danibk:

    PW’s fame is a boon for Rechelleunplugged. How would this blog survive if it weren’t for the hits from the PW posts? Rechelle, doesn’t that seem a little ironic?

    • Rechelle:

      I know. If I was really smart, I would only write posts about Ree. Dang it! Where is my BRAIN!

  • Danibk:

    You’re on the way. You do post mostly about PW these days and those are the ones that get the most attention.

    • Rechelle:

      Can I help it if I write brilliant satire?

      • Bridget:

        No, you can’t.

        I have gotten a few of my friends to watch the you tube videos of the debates. We talked all about Mother Teresa today on our walk. My biology teacher is going to watch it with one of his classes that is full of homeschooled kids.

        Also the pictures and story of your trip the lower Ninth was beautiful. Thank you for transporting me back home for a few minutes.

        And because you are always giving out so many great book suggestions- I was going to suggest a book called The Double Bind- by Chris Bohjalin- all his books are worth looking in to. This weave together a modern day story with the story of Gatsby, Daisy and Tom. Well done. Also the Jesus Myth is fantastic, but I can’t remember who wrote it.

        I love the variety of your blog- and I love that you don’t have an entire section devoted to marketing and sell shit that I can don’t need or can’t afford.

      • Danibk:

        I wouldn’t call it brilliant. What might be interesting is the real story. Tell us, what happened between you and Ree? You used to be friends right? I bet that would be interesting reading! ;)

        • Hey Danibucket – Rechelle has already blogged all about that. It was very interesting reading. In fact, it was brilliant!

          • Rechelle:

            Danibucket?

            Cat – Have you heard of a fucket bucket? Somehow I think you have.

        • Debbie:

          Could it be that inbetween whining about the the brilliant satire postings, you missed a posting about that? Or two. Three, maybe?

    • Ryegirl:

      They get the most attention because they are hilarious!

  • Oh yeah….fucket bucket! Poor Danibucket….No clue;)

  • Danibk:

    What was that? Cat, Craps and Enema? Oh fucket. ;)

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    The Pie Near posts may get more comments, but Rechelle gets lots of attention and admiration for her other posts. We readers could all comment “Ooo, aah, you’re so wonderful Rechelle” on every single photo, post, and recommendation, but that would make the comments boring and we readers would look like a bunch of ass kissers like PW’s. But if Rechelle wants frequent “Love this post, you’re so wonderful” comments, I’d be happy to oblige as appropriate.

    • Nancy:

      Ditto. I’ve said before, this is the blog that I read daily. Rechelle is real. She admits to having *gasp* faults, to feeling passionately about issues, and she doesn’t have to give away mixers to get readers. She also doesn’t photoshop pics of her kids until they look like Precious Moments figurines, or go on ad nauseum about her husband’s ass. Rechelle’s blog is ALWAYS interesting, frequently hilarious, and full of timely, thought-provoking posts.

  • Lisa:

    Happy Thanksgiving Rechelle!

  • Elaine:

    Perfect, except for one small detail–you forgot to put the creepy sparkley bits in the doll’s eyes liket her photos always have.

    • In one of PW’s sets of photoshop actions, she has one called ‘bring on the eyes’. It should be called ‘Children of the Damned’ because when you use it to make the whites of someone’s eyes EXTRA white, that’s exactly what it looks like. I tried using it to ‘whiten’ my son’s teeth in a photo and it made it look like he had chiclets for teeth. I suppose I could fiddle with the opacity, but dang, that kind of scared me!

  • michelle:

    Another great post as usual love the barbie dolls where do you get them?? You have to do one on this showdown cooking thing rechelle as i dont get it here have only read about it that would be hilarious!!!!

  • Kay in KCMO:

    Sweet Fancy Moses. This is what happens when I don’t check in for a week. Pure. Fucking. Genius. What must the neighbors think of me and my howling?

  • Nevermind:

    I am so glad that you find her photoshopping her babies as creepy as I do. Why does she do that? Does she honestly not think that her kids are not pretty enough to just be featured as is? She has to make them more appealing or more marketable as you have so pointed out. I have noticed that she likes to make them more aryan looking. To me they look like space alien babies. Or space alien punks. Maybe this is why I have been banned from posting comments on her website?

  • Deanna:

    That was gobsmackingly brilliant!

    I can’t wait to see the Bobby Flay mashed potatoes melted butter wrestling (thr)hoe-down.

  • Bridget:

    I finally figured out where I have seen Pie Near’s babies, they look the overly fake/weird/strange people in the Kay Jewelry commercials. I guess she has figured out how to market her children.

  • Fabulous!! I am amazed that she can barely say ‘toilet’ but talks endlessly about lactating. It’s weird to me. I guess we are supposed to notice her breasts? Loved the pictorial!!