Browsing Archives for November 2010

Cookie in the Light

November 23rd, 2010

Must even my cat disapprove of me?

Hello everyone!  This is Pie Near Woman!

Today I am going to share some of my favorite tips for photoshopping your punks to bloggy perfection.

Here we have a nice little girl.

I really like her cowgirl get-up because it exudes a wholesome, midwestern vibe that makes my stat counter spin out of control.   But her face lacks a little something that I like to call – marketability.

Fortunately, I had another little girl in the back of my pantry whose face has blogability written all over it!  Sadly, her skirt is short enough for a stripper and that doesn’t play well to my broad base of religious homeschoolers.

Let’s photo-chop her!

Remove the head from the first little girl.

This might seem a bit extreme, but if you want to attract the largest demographic on the internet – young fertile women in heat – you have to get down on your hands and knees and push!

Now grab a hold of that prettier little girl in the slut skirt.



Remove her head too.

And simply recombine!

Isn’t she so much more blogworthy now!

Let’s try a boy!

Here we have another merely average looking child that doesn’t exactly exude ‘blog star’.

Seriously!  Would you re-visit a site twenty times a day with kids that look like this?

I am SNOOZING!

There’s only one way to fix a bland little boy.

Grab a hold of a virile cowboy.

Yank off his head.

Snip away the boring blandness…. (shudder).

Haul out the big guns.

And stick it on!

Whenever I see a baby that looks like this….

I start to lactate.

Oh my gosh!

My mammary glands are gushing at the site of these beautiful, bloggable babies!

My flowy shirt is drenched!

See!  Anyone can have beautiful babies like mine!

It’s just a matter of turning your kids into the undead.


Somebody!

Anybody!

Please get me a breast pump before I start to nurse this lap-full of marketable adorableness!

Love ya more’n my luggage!

Pie Near


I read Sarah Lyall’s The Anglo Files, A Field Guide to the British over a year ago. My husband got it for me for my birthday last year. It has been on my to-do list to write a glowing review of this book ever since and I am finally getting it done.

I loved this book. It is funny, scandalous and interesting plus you learn a few things about England that they just don’t teach in schools!

Things like how gay the culture is. I am sure that the previous sentence is going to offend someone so sorry in advance – but Sarah Lyall said it – not me and the way she says it is both hilarious and terrifying. It all comes out when she writes about the private boys schools in England. Her comments reminded me very much of the way that Frank Schaffer wrote about English boy’s schools in Crazy for God. Their stories seem to dwell on some of the same uh… ‘areas’.  From Lyall’s perspective, it is almost as if the oversexed atmosphere of these schools ‘penetrates’ everything in the culture from the British reserve to the poor service.  Well – that might be a leap, but let’s just say that her chapter on English Boarding schools is forever burned in my mind and that is really the only part of the book I remember!

Lyall is an American who currently is the London correspondent for the New York Times. She lives in London with her author husband, Robert McCrum. Her book is the story of how she adjusted to life in Great Britian after she married an Englishman. She covers everything from child rearing (she has two daughters) to British men and how poorly they tend to interact with women, to English aristocracy to how impossible English men are to British schools to the difficulty of communicating with English men, to sexism in the work place, to how extraordinarily impenetrable the males of the UK can be (unless they are enrolled in an English Boarding school). Did I mention her chapters on difficult English men?

Her writing is hilarious, smart, and titillating. A great gift for the Anglophile on your list and if YOU are the Anglophile on your list – I guess you will just have to gift yourself!