Browsing Archives for October 2010

Pie Near Woman Goes on The QVC!

October 31st, 2010

…The food is incredible, the author is wonderful, her story is charming, please help me welcome Pie Near Woman back to QVC!

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I adore you Ree!  Let me give you a squeeze!

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I like to hug too David!

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Now give us a refresher Ree.  You went to college in LA.  You were very much a strict vegetarian.  Sushi was your favorite and then you took a job in Chicago, but stopped off to visit your family…

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Yes David, I made a pit stop in Oklahoma.

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A pit stop –   you mean like a few days?

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I think a pit stop can mean a lot of things -  don’t you David?

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Whatever moves the product honey!

Now Ree – do you have any cooking tips for our audience?

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Always be photographed from above?!?


Oh My Gosh!  I would never have thought of that!

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Now Ree – tell us that story again where you met your handsome hunk of a chapped ass husband.

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Let’s see if I can remember the latest version… I grew up in the city?

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Yes, that’s right!  Wasn’t it LA?

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No David – I think I grew up in Bartlesville…?

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Is that a city in Europe?

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Bartlesville is a city in Oklahoma David.

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Wait!  Isn’t your ranch in Oklahoma?

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Yes, but the ranch is almost an entire hour away from the bustling metropolis where I grew up David.

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You poor thing!  How did you ever adjust?!?

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I often soothed myself by taking long hot baths in hundred dollar bills.

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And when did you start to cook?

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Well there are a few versions of this story David.  I’m not sure which one is right for QVC.

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Do any of them involve leopard print tunics or zirconium crystals?

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No – but one involves reading cookbooks at night as a young child and baking cookies for every male within smelling distance of my overheated pheremones and the other involves sushi, Thai take-out, four meat eating babies and a virile cowboy that is fussier about his vittles than your average two year old!

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Well, our demographics are elderly, chain smoking women who pleasure themselves by purchasing Luminous Mist neck cream and Serenity Now prayer chains.

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Ooooooh!  Well in that case – I think I will go with the clueless, sushi swilling city girl who never cooked a day in her life until she woke up in a luxury lodge with four carnivorous toddlers and a heap of walking sex that I like to call Marlboro Man.

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Holy Smokes Ree!  We just sold out of your cookbooks!

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Was it good for you too David!

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It was customer top rated!

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Help me Ronda!   I haven’t even mentioned my Spanx yet!

“Honey, do these chaps make my ass look virile?”

Submitted by Joel Wheeler.

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Joel, e-mail your shipping address to me at mysistersfarmhouse@live.com and I will send you Tim Gunn’s latest book.

There were so many other strong contenders in this contest.  I know, I know – I should have picked yours.  Even if you didn’t submit one, I should have picked it!  At least now I can rest assured that some of the people who read this blog are far more twisted than me. Here’s just a small sampling of the madness…

His wearing of her blue eyeshadow was too much for both wife and dog.  Pie Near Woman faints after MM announces he is giving up the faux ranching life to join the revival company of The Village People for a 6 month booking in Vegas. Charlie is just mimicking Pie Near Woman, because as we know, he is completely co-dependent. – submitted by NCme – Faux ranching!  Ha ha ha

No ! I’m his superflamboyant twin brother Marlboro Ma’am, now get up off the floor both of you. - submitted by KM

Yet another attempt by Pie Near Woman to see how many fundamentalist homeschooling mothers will adopt a ridiculous, impossible posture. – submitted by Meanie.  FINALLY – someone that is meaner than me!

Where in the hell is my Tim Gunn Book? – submitted by WV Kay

Gestating Wildly – Har har!

A Forgone Conclusion - Brilliant! – both by Shelley.

This is what it looks like when the school bus arrives these days.

This would also be why my kids haven’t made the bus in weeks.

None of us are willing to beat the sun out of bed.