The Country Doctor Builds an Ark

July 5th, 2010


First you have to measure the depth of the water in cubits.

So you know how big to make your ark.

And then you assemble a large vessel using a great amount of gopher wood.

This is Shem…

Ham…

And Japeth.

(Japeth always was the thinker…)


And this is Caanan.

You know the one…

The grandson that grandpa Noah cursed when Caanan’s dad Ham saw Noah naked in his tent after an all night bender in the vineyard.

Because this demonstrates God’s mercy, justice, love and his divine and omnipotent insanity.

Finally the time came to see if the ark was seaworthy…

The sons of Noah gathered some inner-tubes.

They hoisted the ark out to the water…

Deeper…

Deeper…

Deeper…

Even deeper…

Yes… deeper.

The Country Doctor removed the inner-tubes.

For some reason he seems to think that this vessel is going to float on it’s own.

He really must be a man of astounding faith.

And then God shut the door.

So the Country Doctor decided to scrap the ark project and build a dock instead.

“If we are going to drown for our faithless iniquity, ” he said, “we might as well fry up a nice mess of fish caught from this here dock which we shall fashion with our own hands, in our own likeness, before we go.”

This is a weight.

One of the Country Doctor’s patients made this weight just for this ark project.

Which is now a dock project.

Because an ark is supposed to float, but a dock is not.

At least not this dock.  NO, no no… not THIS dock!

For some reason that I can’t really understand, the CD hates floating docks.  He hates them passionately.  He regards floating docks with the same disdain that I reserve for store bought salad dressing, Folgers coffee and Pioneer Woman.  Which explains why his dock looks like an ark… well… it looks more like an ark than a dock…because he designed it to stick into the bottom of the pond.  So that it won’t float.  There will be no floating with this dock.  None.  None at all.  Don’t even say the words ‘floating dock’ in front of him.  He will react like you just poured hot acid on his inner thigh. And yes… this dock seems to be missing the actual ‘dock part’ but that is only because… because… I have no idea why.  I guess he intended to build the ‘dock part’ later.

The trouble is that his dock did float.  He didn’t think that it would, but it did.  It was designed to be the extreme opposite of a floating dock , but it is a floating dock anyway.  Evidently wood floats.  Even really heavy, creosote soaked wood floats.  Who knew?

And since floating docks are the CD’s worst nightmare, this was not a good moment.

Fortunately, the Country Doctor had a solution.  He had a scrap metal weight.

He thought he would use the weight to sink the poles into the bottom of the pond and hold the dock in place during floods.

Instead, he is going to use it to keep the dock from floating.

They took the weight out to the dock on a hastily assembled mini-ark.

Drew got a little nervous.

He was worried that his dad was going to drown putting that weight on the dock.

I told him that his dad could just let go if he got into trouble, but Drew didn’t buy it.

He is one of little faith.

The CD and Calder attempted to attach the weight to a bolt that was sticking out of one of the poles.

They worked at if for ten minutes.

And then they dropped the weight.

And it rapidly slid to the bottom of the pond.

Never to be seen again.

I guess the boys are going to have to hold that dock in place for… like… probably… forever.

The Country Doctor kept trying to salvage his dock.

For one hundred years he labored.

But it was all for naught.

It began to rain.

It rained for forty days and forty nights.

His faithless family abandoned him for higher ground.

The promise of a rainbow was not enough for them.

It left them feeling empty… and hollow… and in need of a hot cup of tea.

“What’s a stupid rainbow when we could be playing COD on the X-box?” they said.

The next day the CD began to draw up plans for a new dock design.

This one will ALSO absolutely NOT FLOAT.

He may not have the gift of prophecy, nor speak with the tongues of angels, but once he sets his mind to something.

There ain’t no changing it.

Comments

  • Erp:

    He’s never lived in a tidal area then. Floating docks are a necessity there.

  • I recommend that next time, you tether that purple float to the dock/ark & float in the sun while drinking daiquiris. I’m assuming that’s what Noah’s wife would do too :)

  • just a farm girl:

    we have the pond and I wish for a dock……..I might dare to stand on IT and look at the water. But as it is—my husband who I call the resident “farmer”–doesn’t care if we have a dock. so you are lucky to have a husband who wants a dock and can’t be stopped. I’m a little envious…… The real reason I want a dock has something to do with my snake phobia I’m ashamed to admit.

  • Great story… did not see the demise of the weight coming but if your CD is anything like my CD, it was probably wise to stay out of his way for a bit.

    You suffer from the COD curse at your house as well? I keep hoping that the bloom will fade, as it has for every other game costing $50 or more. But clearly the force of my hatred is working counter to the usual game-boredom forces and causing the allure to actually increase, even after six months. Sigh.

  • Now that’s working together! Er, something.

    I admit I much prefer stable sunken docks to floating docks. I always feel like the floating ones are going to flip on me. GO CD! : )

  • Kris – COD is a heinous affliction.

  • What is COD? Not “cash on delivery”?

  • Call of Duty, I’m guessing – very popular video game. I’m fortunate that my firstborn is young enough to be satisfied with older games which can be purchased cheaply second-hand. (His current preoccupation is Lego Star Wars.)

  • Years and years and YEARS of Lego Star Wars in this house. I miss those innocent days.

  • COD – Call of Duty – video game – violence, curse words, spurting blood, my boys LOVE IT.

  • I see. We’re still into Lego stuff here too and those dang things I always kill myself on, Bakugan. That may change this weekend as we’re going to Chicago to see the big city cousins.

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    Good luck to the CD and his crew on their project. That’s quite an undertaking! I’m currently looking up the instructions to disassemble a pool table so we can fit it down our stairs and get it to our rec room, where it will soon be covered with Legos and action figures.
    I wouldn’t worry too much about the violence, cursing and blood-spurting of COD – I think kids probably get used to such things while witnessing their parents take on big projects.

  • Kay in KCMO:

    This begs the question – why is the CD so opposed to floating docks? Why do they offend him so? Does their floatiness feel “less than” to him? Is an anchored dock more manly?

    Maybe you could steer him to one of the ads that came up. I went to Pier Genius and their docks look pretty cool and they say that even though they float they feel stationary. I’m sold! The courtyard of my building wants to be a pond anyway so one of these might come in handy.

  • Catherine McP:

    ‘ COD – Call of Duty – video game – violence, curse words, spurting blood, my boys LOVE IT.”

    My dang husband cant stop playing that. Also, I grew up in MN (State of 8 million lakes) When the new fangled floating docks were born, I couldnt stand them and still cant!

  • Sara:

    Oh my goodness, I have to admit I was feeling the same as Drew when I saw that weight and then your husband getting in the water!

  • p:

    Come to think of it, I have always considered floating docks to be a cheap “off brand” kind of dock… I do understand that they make the most sense for a lot of people/situations, but they’re just not as good.

    Of course I really prefer a solid pier. From the pictures, I assumed that was what he was going for anyway.