Browsing Archives for July 2010

Even Stevphen

July 6th, 2010

Saw this at Unreasonable Faith and could not resist posting it here too.  Steve Carrel as an Islamic zealot.  TOO FUNNY!

Hand Cranked Ice Cream

July 6th, 2010

A few years ago I found an old ice cream maker at an antique store. I liked the color and I thought an old ice cream maker sitting on my porch might be cute. I imagined possibly filling it with flowers, but I never thought I would ever actually use it to make ice cream.

My sons thought differently.

They have wanted to put that old ice cream maker to use for quite a while.

So for the Fourth of July I found a recipe, bought an enormous quantity of high fat dairy products, scrubbed out the interior of that old churn and sanitized the innards in the dishwasher. Then I sat the boys down and explained how homemade ice cream works. Everyone has to turn the crank. Everyone. Even the sullen teenagers and the spoiled rotten eight year old toddler who usually gets whatever he wants and also gets out of whatever he wants. I estimated that if we all cranked for ten minutes each, we should end up with pretty good ice cream at the end. They agreed. We gave it a go. Here is the photographic evidence.

An absurd amount of high fat dairy.

One carton of half and half.

Another carton of half and half…

One carton of whipping cream…



Assembling the apparatus..

Initially we forgot to put this part in…

The Country Doctor who claims that he spent half his childhood making homemade ice cream was called in to consult…



I wasn’t able to find rock salt and so I bought a large bag of table salt.

Then Ethan said, “What about the salt in the water softener?”

Ding, ding, ding, ding, DING!

He is clearly a brilliant child.

If anyone needs any table salt, I have plenty.

Drew cranked…

Ethan cranked…

The Country Doctor cranked…

The infant cranked.

We took bets on how long he would last.

I said one minute.

Others said, three, five, two, twenty seconds.

He lasted six minutes.

Then he came back and did three more minutes…

And then he came back and did one more minute.

So I guess he got his ten minutes in.

It gets really hard to crank at the end.

Which is why the Country Doctor is sitting on it.

We stopped cranking after about forty five minutes.

Opened it up…



(That’s my grandmother Edna’s ice cream scoop too – the nostalgia in this little endeavor is practically burning my eyes out.)

It was really, really good.

We are already talking about trying new recipes.

Adding things in.

Experimenting with flavors.

It was a very nice way to bring everyone together.

I think that old, merely decorative ice cream maker just found itself a regular job.

First you have to measure the depth of the water in cubits.

So you know how big to make your ark.

And then you assemble a large vessel using a great amount of gopher wood.

This is Shem…


And Japeth.

(Japeth always was the thinker…)

And this is Caanan.

You know the one…

The grandson that grandpa Noah cursed when Caanan’s dad Ham saw Noah naked in his tent after an all night bender in the vineyard.

Because this demonstrates God’s mercy, justice, love and his divine and omnipotent insanity.

Finally the time came to see if the ark was seaworthy…

The sons of Noah gathered some inner-tubes.

They hoisted the ark out to the water…




Even deeper…

Yes… deeper.

The Country Doctor removed the inner-tubes.

For some reason he seems to think that this vessel is going to float on it’s own.

He really must be a man of astounding faith.

And then God shut the door.

So the Country Doctor decided to scrap the ark project and build a dock instead.

“If we are going to drown for our faithless iniquity, ” he said, “we might as well fry up a nice mess of fish caught from this here dock which we shall fashion with our own hands, in our own likeness, before we go.”

This is a weight.

One of the Country Doctor’s patients made this weight just for this ark project.

Which is now a dock project.

Because an ark is supposed to float, but a dock is not.

At least not this dock.  NO, no no… not THIS dock!

For some reason that I can’t really understand, the CD hates floating docks.  He hates them passionately.  He regards floating docks with the same disdain that I reserve for store bought salad dressing, Folgers coffee and Pioneer Woman.  Which explains why his dock looks like an ark… well… it looks more like an ark than a dock…because he designed it to stick into the bottom of the pond.  So that it won’t float.  There will be no floating with this dock.  None.  None at all.  Don’t even say the words ‘floating dock’ in front of him.  He will react like you just poured hot acid on his inner thigh. And yes… this dock seems to be missing the actual ‘dock part’ but that is only because… because… I have no idea why.  I guess he intended to build the ‘dock part’ later.

The trouble is that his dock did float.  He didn’t think that it would, but it did.  It was designed to be the extreme opposite of a floating dock , but it is a floating dock anyway.  Evidently wood floats.  Even really heavy, creosote soaked wood floats.  Who knew?

And since floating docks are the CD’s worst nightmare, this was not a good moment.

Fortunately, the Country Doctor had a solution.  He had a scrap metal weight.

He thought he would use the weight to sink the poles into the bottom of the pond and hold the dock in place during floods.

Instead, he is going to use it to keep the dock from floating.

They took the weight out to the dock on a hastily assembled mini-ark.

Drew got a little nervous.

He was worried that his dad was going to drown putting that weight on the dock.

I told him that his dad could just let go if he got into trouble, but Drew didn’t buy it.

He is one of little faith.

The CD and Calder attempted to attach the weight to a bolt that was sticking out of one of the poles.

They worked at if for ten minutes.

And then they dropped the weight.

And it rapidly slid to the bottom of the pond.

Never to be seen again.

I guess the boys are going to have to hold that dock in place for… like… probably… forever.

The Country Doctor kept trying to salvage his dock.

For one hundred years he labored.

But it was all for naught.

It began to rain.

It rained for forty days and forty nights.

His faithless family abandoned him for higher ground.

The promise of a rainbow was not enough for them.

It left them feeling empty… and hollow… and in need of a hot cup of tea.

“What’s a stupid rainbow when we could be playing COD on the X-box?” they said.

The next day the CD began to draw up plans for a new dock design.

This one will ALSO absolutely NOT FLOAT.

He may not have the gift of prophecy, nor speak with the tongues of angels, but once he sets his mind to something.

There ain’t no changing it.