If Life Hands You Wax Lemons, Make Wax Lemonade

July 24th, 2010

Dear Charles,

I sometimes think that the whole world is made of wax… except for the people, who are made of regular old people material.  On the off chance that the world is not made of wax, what do you suggest?  I grow tired of scooping the waxen air out of my way and typing on a waxen keyboard only to grow hungry and be faced with either a wax apple or a waxy bowl of cornflakes.  Remember those tiny wax soda bottles that you chewed?  Well my whole world is tiny wax soda bottles Charles!  What do you suggest?

Waxed and Waned

Dear Waxed and Waned –

You don’t seem to be taking full advantage of your situation. You could be compressing bits of that wax air to create stairs that you could use to reach normally unreachable places, like the ceiling or places near the ceiling. It sounds like it would be much easier to pull off the old “footprints on the ceiling” (“it was then that I carried you”) gag than it would be under less waxy circumstances. Also, when you got up to the ceiling, you could let yourself fall and, instead of breaking a limb and having to be rushed to a wax emergency room in a wax ambulance, drift gently into an ever hardening wax blob, as the wax air beneath you became more and more compressed. On the off chance that the world is not made of wax, I suggest that you enjoy a real apple and refrain from letting yourself fall from heights of more than a couple of inches.

Charles

Dear Charles,

My hands slowly rise out of the water.  It’s like I am discovering them for the first time.  Like I never knew I had hands.  I have hands?  Where did these come from?  But it is also like I am sort of discovering myself.  Like I was just invented… or just made.  Like I have just figured out that I exist.  But it always starts with the hands.  What is this?  Am I trapped in some sort of B grade sci fi flick?  Can you give me a hand here Charles?

That weird hand person

Dear weird hand person –

I think you already have enough to contemplate with the two hands you just discovered, and the untapped potential and possibilities they represent. Investigate them thoroughly and find out what they can do. Experiment with them and test their limits. And just when you feel you have gone as far as you can go with them, let them rise once again from the water and repeat the process, enjoying the perpetual newness of the wondrous invention that is you. But be quick about it; film is not cheap, and it’s about time for the crew of the sci fi flick (A grade, I estimate) to break for lunch.

Charles

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Life been handing you lemons lately?  Can’t find the strength to make the required lemonade?  Why not ask Dear Charles to lend a hand (waxen or otherwise).  He’s been known to squeeze a right good lemonade out of the most vile of lemons.  You may contact him at Dear Charles at live dot com.

Comments

  • Dear Charles,

    I don’t have a question for you, at least not yet but by the time I get to the end of this comment I may!

    On the Dear Charles Explains Himself page you reminisce about a childhood memory about one of your earliest memories and how, because of it you now have a fetish (I know that fetish isn’t the word you used but I like it better because it’s more provocative), that involves movies, letter writing and voiceovers.

    As soon as I read that I thought of the opening scene from “The League of Gentlemen” (NOT to be confused with”The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”). I have spent a couple of hours searching for a clip of it, and victory is mine and now yours:

    http://www.leagueofgentlemen.co.uk/ns1ep11.wmv

    I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do! Of course I watched the entire series so I have a lot of laugh memories tied up in that clip so my expectations for you loving it as much as I do is probably not fair and out of proportion.

    Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoyed it!

    Also, I love Dan Savage and I see that you are a regular reader of his as am I.

    I thought of a question, it’s a four parter (probably 6 since question 2 is a three-parter – sorry I lied!) so you might want to sit down:

    1. Have you ever written to Dan Savage?

    2. If you have, what was your question and what was his answer and did you follow his advice?

    3. If you haven’t as of yet, what would you ask him?

    4. How would you (or did you if that’s the case), sign your letter to Dan?

    Thanks Charles, I feel much better already!!

    • Charles:

      Dear GreenInOC –

      I don’t yet have answers to at least a couple of your questions, but I hope to by the time I reach the end of my reply to your comment.

      Thanks very much for the “League of Gentlemen” clip, which first indulged my fetish for voiceover letter-reading scenes in movies and then indulged my fetish for comedic twists on any of my other fetishes. The two hours you spent searching for the clip makes me even more appreciative, but I would have enjoyed it (as I’m sure anyone else who stumbles upon your comment will also) even if you had taken just 30 seconds to bring it to us. It’s the first thing I’ve ever seen from “The League of Gentlemen,” and maybe now I’ll start checking out longer clips of the show and then perhaps work my way up to full episodes and eventually conquer the entire series, although that’s just a pipe dream for now.

      The answers to your first two questions are easy (even though question 2 is a three-parter), as I’ve never written to Dan Savage.

      However, it grieves me to report that even though I’m nearing the end of my reply, I still haven’t thought of anything I’d ask Dan about that he hasn’t already covered, but I’m sure he’ll cover something in his next column that I’ll wish I’d thought of and given you as my answer.

      Although the stench of failure now permeates the atmosphere surrounding me, there is one bright spot to my inability to come up with an answer to question 3: the lack of a question for Dan renders moot the question of coming up with a pseudonym whose initial letters will spell out a word or phrase that is relevant to the question, an exercise for which I lack talent. At the same time, there are many dark spots to it as well, chiefly that this must compound the disappointment you’re experiencing, since it means that not one, but two of your questions will go unanswered, and I hope you will forgive me.