I had to buy this magazine. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. It was like I was possessed or… or… hypnotized… or maybe I was channeling Sylvia Plath, but on a recent trip to the grocery store it jumped into my cart and I lacked the strength to pull it back out.
As a result I have been sucked into the latest chapter in the Bristol Palin/Levi Johnston love story – and by ‘sucked in’ I mean I have spent the past four days watching every interview, video, commercial and YouTube mash-up ever made about these two young people.
I think I might need an intervention.
I did take a small break today to take a few boys to go see Inception during which I fell asleep...twice. On the way home from the theater Ethan said, “I heard that the writer took ten years to finish that show”.
“Yeah – and it took ten years to watch it too.” I replied.
The movie is long.
And confusing.
And then you stop caring.
And then you fall asleep.
And then you get ‘jumped’ and you wake back up to find that they are shooting ‘projections’.
And then you remember how little you cared in the first place.
And you fall back to sleep.
And while you are sleeping you start having a dream, that is inside of a dream, that is inside of a dream and you loooooooong for someone to kill you so that your brain will be turned into scrambled eggs under a pile of dreams so deep that you can never climb out. But the dream lasts for fifty years which is 350 years in dog years, but only five minutes in reality and for some strange reason, Juno is in this movie – or the actress that played Juno. Or maybe Juno was in the dream, that was inside of the dream, that was inside of the dream. Either way, you arrive at the same conclusion which is that the actress who plays Juno belongs in a psychological thriller/action adventure type film about as much as I belong in a psychological thriller/action adventure type film, which I don’t. Because the actress formerly known as Juno lacks the necessary intensity for a psychological thriller as well as the upper arm definition for action adventure. Also her voice has that permanent ironic lilt that makes every word that comes out of her mouth drip with ridicule and she can’t really stop her face from looking sarcastic either. It makes about as much sense to put the actress formerly known as Juno in an action/adventure/thriller as it does to cast Bristol Palin in a love story with a red neck high school dropout who can’t keep a job.
Speaking of Bristol Palin.
Did you hear that she is back together with the father of her child redneck high-school dropout/ former playgirl model/pistachio ad man, Levi Johnston?
Also!
Did you know that at one point, Levi had the the name ‘Bristol’ tattooed on his wedding ring finger? Shortly after the baby was born, they broke up, so he had his ‘Bristol’ tattoo covered with something that resembles a big black… smudge? Someday his son will ask him what that big black smudge is and won’t he ever have a story to tell!
He will also have to explain why the name ‘Johnston’ is tattooed on his arm. Is that sort of like a reminder? Sometimes I write reminders on my hands, but they usually have more to do with grocery items or errands than they have to do with helping me to remember who I am. I can also usually remember who my husband and kids are too, so I have yet to tattoo their names on any of my body parts, but I do occasionally mix the names of my kids up calling Ethan, Calder or Drew, Jack – still I don’t see how a tattoo on my body would help me remember which kid is which. It would be better if the tattoos were on my kid’s bodies, preferably across their foreheads so that I could easily see their names when I was addressing them and therefore be less likely to call my sons by the wrong name. But ultimately, I think that this whole tattoo strategy of Levi has more to do with grizzly bear attacks than it has to do with memory loss. Levi shot his first grizzly bear when he was seven. I think maybe if you hunt grizzly bears in the Alaskan wilderness you might want to take steps to make it easier to identify your remains just in case the grizzly bear shoots back. And if the grizzly bear shoots back and eats both your face and your fingerprints, it really would be smart to have your name tattooed across your arm which the bear won’t eat because it is already full of face and fingerprints. However, the grizzly bear theory does not hold up in the case of Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede who has the name ‘Levi’ tattooed on her wrist. Because if she ever gets her face and fingerprints eaten off by a grizzly bear, everyone is going to think that it was actually Levi who was eaten. But then again, if Levi gets eaten by a grizzly bear and all that gets left behind is his ring finger, they might eventually discover the name Bristol under that black smudge and then everyone is going to think that Bristol was eaten by a grizzly bear. So now I am thinking that this whole ‘name tattoo thing’ to help people identify your remains in case your face and fingerprints are eaten by a grizzly bear while hunting in the Alaska wilderness is not very sound.
I can’t wait to see where they are going to have the name of their son tattooed!
On Bristol?
On Levi?
Or maybe they should just go ahead and tattoo the baby’s name on the BABY!
I would suggest right across the forehead. Especially if they decide to have any more kids.
In the meantime, Bristol has been actively involved in the Candie’s Foundation to prevent teen pregnancy. The catch phrase for this campaign is ‘pause before you play.” which does not exactly push abstinence does it? It does push ‘pausing’ but that is rapidly followed by ‘playing’ which falls far from the mark of demanding absolute abstinence. Yet Bristol continues to promise to maintain her pledge to remain abstinent from sex until she is married – which lucky for her appears to be right around the corner. The article in the Us magazine that I bought suggests a wedding this summer.
Phew!
That was a close one.
So I think Levi will be keeping his stick on the ice, but should he forget, there is always the baby to remind him of the consequences. And that baby’s name is Tripp. (I am just writing that as a helpful reminder to Levi, because he doesn’t have Tripp’s name tattooed anywhere on his body yet. At least not anywhere that I can see.)
More Candies Foundation ads to prevent teen pregnancy here.
Congrats to Levi and Bristol!
Have you seen Kathy Griffin’s show where she visits her “lover” Levi? Funny. But the young man is not what you’d call verbose.
You reminded me of how my grandmother couldn’t remember her grandkids’ names (10), and would run through the whole list plus her kids’ names (5), saying “no” after each wrong one. My dad and uncle “helped” by inserting bogus names, to which she’d have to stop and say “no” as well. It was a long and very amusing process. If they managed to EACH insert a name between each name she said, it was a REALLY long process. And she’d look up to realize we were laughing, but not get the joke. Good times!
That Kathy Griffin show was really funny. Have you seen her “break-up” video about him? It’s funny too.
Firstly, their kid is just a cutie !
Secondly, this is all very convenient, or am I very cynical?
Thirdly, doesn’t he look like Scott Petersen (of the horrible Laci Petersen murder?)
Fourthly, I am grateful that I only have two kids so I have a 50 50 shot of getting the name right.
Fifthly, I need coffee
There is that ancient euphenism ‘Johnson ‘ denoting penis – at least he spells his name with a T in it.
The Bristol/Levi saga is somewhat more interesting than the Lindsey Logan circus. I am so sick of seeing and hearing about her I could puke.
You really do make me laugh, still. Sometimes I just get sick of bloggers, but you are just so funny. I have to say, not a fan of the Palin clan, but I am happy those two crazy kids are getting married, only because I think Satah hates him so much and she just sort of deserves it to have a douche bag for a SIL. It’s all so Jerry Springer.
By the way, have you heard anything back from PW. She is becoming more annoying than ever. Now she is giving clothes away to readers , clothes from her closet. It’s just so revolting.
Thanks for keeping the laughs coming.
LOL, that’s exactly what I thought when I saw the magazine cover. As nasty as Sarah and Levi were to each other, now they’re just going to be one big happy family? And I doubt she could say much about it since she should be in complete support of “traditional family values”.
I’m also not entirely sure why Bristol Palin should be the face of teen abstinence. Couldn’t they find someone who actually practices what they preach? They should really just make teens watch back to back episodes of the Duggar show. Surely that would make anyone go running for the birth control, at least.
First: I watched Inception last night and like it a lot. So, I’m sorry that you didn’t like it (then again, I’m a nerd for science fiction and for nerdy movies, so this was kind of right up my alley). I will agree that Ellen Page could do more as an actress, I hope she get’s better because she’s shown that she can act (Hard Candy).
Second: STOP! Stop reading, stop looking, stop paying attention! You are way to smart to be spending your time on a couple of dumb kids from the sticks. If everyone just ignores them, maybe they’ll go away. I hope. (I also have a whole rant about Bristol and abstinence education, but she’s turned the corner and is actually trying to prevent pregnancy, and promote safe sex.)
My husband thinks this whole Sarah/Bristol/Levi thing was all planned…His reason, look how much money they’ve all made off the break-up…
I’m writing this through tears of laughter! You kill me! When I was in the store and saw that magazine, I laughed out loud. Especially since they did the interview before talking to Sarah. Seriously Rechelle, you kill me. I just so happened to see that movie you were talking about last night. Very confusing. And you’re right, Ellen Paige will forever be Juno. Rob loved it though. Okay, I can go about my day with a smile now. Thanks Rechelle!
JUNO! The movie is JUNO, not Juneau. There, I said it. All better now.
Yeah, I felt the same way about “Inception”. Way too complicated, too many layers, too much self-absorbed “Wow, look at the deep movie we’ve made”.
I do think that the starring actress in these films would make an excellent Lisbeth Salander in the Hornet’s nest movies, but the role has already been filled. Oh well.
Really? I guess I got it in my head wrong when I saw this –
http://henryjenkins.org/2008/09/photoshop_for_democracy_revisi.html
Then the whole Alaska/Bristol/Levi thing – it all added up to Junea and not Juno. Fixed now.
I was meeting a parent of a student for the first time – big meeting with teachers, parent, principal, etc. The Dad started talking about how wonderful his son was ( the kid is a sweetie!) and how much he loved him. He was telling us about a beautiful portrait he had made of his son when he was a baby – they thought they were going to lose him – and then he asked us if we wanted to see it. Without waiting for an answer, he quickly ripped open his shirt – with lightening speed – and revealed a very large and intricately detailed tattoo of his infant son on his chest. He informed us that he was putting one of his other son on his back, and now just after the birth of his daughter, he would have to find a spot somewhere for her portrait. The Principal then entered the room to two speechless teachers and a man with his shirt almost off. We were teased about it for months.
JJ – Great story. and to think of all the time I wasted keeping pictures of my kids in my wallet…
“…it really would be smart to have your name tattooed across your arm which the bear won’t eat because it is already full of face and fingerprints…”
Ba ha ha!
dizzy…after…reading……………wut?
I will comment if and when I can stop the tears of laughter. You kill me!
So are you saying you failed to enjoy Inception and would not recommend same due to confusedness and one note acting from the leading lady?
I needed that LOL! Thank you!
Best blog post I’ve read in ages…still trying to recover from the unfortunate grizzly accident identifying tattoos…though I do believe it’s really to remind him of his own name.
HAHAHAHA! I’m assuming the bear, when he eats face, he also eats teeth so that the victim cannot be identified by dental records.
btw, Those were really interesting ads. Thanks for the link!
Bloody crows woman! That was some stream of conciousness post! Of course my office mates are giving me sidelong looks I’m laughing so hard…
Can we hope that Levi IS eaten by a bear? It seems apropos…
Pistachios? Who knew?
The “Johnston” tattoo is there for Bristol to remember to scream out the name of the right guy. Not that they are having sex. Or anything.
Call me crazy, but is it just a coinky-dink that Levi is suddenly crazy to marry Bristol right after a judge ordered him to cough up something like $1750 a month in child support? Cheaper to keep ‘er. Bristol is much like her mother in that she just keeps finding ways to make money/fame off of her own stupidity. She doesn’t come from a long line of nurturers, so I really think they should at least get a phone # or return address tattooed on the baby. I co-chaired a heart association fund raising luncheon in Fairbanks during the blink of an eye that was Palin’s governorship. She had been invited but never RSVP’d, no big deal. Then the day of the luncheon she SHOWS UP….WITH TWO KIDS. We had to scramble to rearrange seating.meals/schedule/etc while she acted ignored her kids and they ran wild. Well, the little one did…Piper or Flipper or whatever her name is. This luncheon was held in a large hotel and the littlest girl was EVERYWHERE. Note: neither kid was even dressed nicely for an event. Dirty jeans and tennis shoes…come on! After Flipper was shooed out of the kitchens one too many times, a staffer asked “Honey, do you know your mommy’s cell phone number.” She did, it was called, and the self-proclaimed “hockey mom – mama grizzly” was totally P.O.’d that she was expected to watch her kid. It was later revealed that it was one of MANY trips where she charged her kids’ airfare, hotel, meals,etc to the state. Long story even longer….the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. Bristol will keep popping them out, but I don’t know if Levi is as easily cowed as Todd. That whole family is a hot mess.
snort! return address tattooed on the baby…thank goodness I hadn’t started drinking my coffee yet. I just cleaned my screen & don’t feel like doing it again.
Oh geez – I typed that whole thing on my phone (which I suck at) and just saw all of the glaring typos and mistakes. Please forgive.
I heard Levi state in an interview that he wanted a woman who didn’t talk much or have too much of an opinion. Ugh. I really hope he was kidding.
He doesn’t look especially intellegent Mandy. Perhaps he doesn’t want his chosen mate to notice.
Not to worry Rechelle, I also have the Levi/Bristol monkey on my back… very sad. I have even been reading Levi’s sisters blog… I need an intervention. Everyone says they are trying to score a reality show and sadly I know I would be tuning in!!
it is bad enough that poor child has Sarah for a mother, without said mother having named her Bristol, which is slang for tits in the UK. is it not a bit late for her to be thinking about saving herself for marriage? I cringe with embarrassment, every time I see Sarah Palin and hear her. And I cannot for the life of me understand why she is so popular. I am ever so grateful though, that she was chosen as McCain’s running mate, because that ensured an Obama win.
Oh, that made me laugh out loud!
Let’s just hope they have that little boy’s best interest at heart. Sadly, however, I think they’ve decided reality TV is a profession.
Hearing Sarah’s spin on this over the next few weeks while be, at best, nauseating. It must be very difficult for Bristol to live in the shadow of her fame-seeking, money-grubbing, uneducated, phony mother. It’s sad that a pretty face, over-abundance of self-confidence and a few catch phrases can mask incompetency. Jimmy Kimmel has had some funny stuff lately about ole’ grizzly mama. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRENP2D55LQ&feature=player_embedded
That sweet little baby has dimwits for parents! Why did they name him ‘Tripp’? Is it some sort of hallucinogenic reference? I shudder to think at what names they may come up with for the rest of their brood. Might I suggest-
Twilight
Clapton (please don’t call the child ‘Clap’ for short)
Discus
Bartle
Jaymes (it’s a girl, you can tell because of the trendy ‘y’ spelling)
Camaro
I hadn’t seen that PSA with Bristol before, and I have to say I find it quite offensive. Is the message here that teen pregnancy is okay as long as you are rich, but poor girls should keep their pants on??
Sorry Rechelle……..I just cannot bring myself to read about these people, so I really cannot comment. I did look at the pictures though…..I think it’s sad……..just sad.
That’s the lamest video I have ever seen.
Pause before you play? That’s what our biology teacher told us too – and then she took out testing tubes and condomes and showed us how to put them on properly. Not one girl in my town had a baby as a teenager, I might add.
A group of my girls gathered recently, one of whom happens to have a child with Down Syndrome. She shared with us the avalanche of information doctors provided her with while she was expecting. The information explained in great detail that her baby had Trisomy G (or down syndrome) a chromosomal disorder, and all that entailed. Throughout her pregnancy and even when dealing with her pediatrician, it was not uncommon at all for them to reference “Tri-G babies” – i.e. “Tri-G babies often experience this or that… or “Tri-G babies normally do this or that…” That’s when our conversation turned to Sarah Palin and the name she chose for her latest offspring. Trig. I understand that her kids all have unique names – Track, Willow, Piper, that sort of thing. But she named the last one, her “Tri-G baby”…Trig. I’m just sayin’. She’s an idiot.
BREAKING NEWS: The engagement is off because Levi admitted he may have fathered yet another baby with some other Wasilla debutante.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128960758&ft=1&f=1001
Oh no, looks like The Wedding is off now ….
Apparently Levi the Lunkhead has supposedly gotten some OTHER girl pregnant now
AND, then he went off to make a video slamming Grandma Palin & the family
Shame for shame Levi
Bristol, what were you THINKING ???
Wonder what the Palin clan will do when Bristol starts showing…