The Oracle Known as Steve Makes More Demands

June 8th, 2010

It’s been a while since we heard from the Oracle Known as Steve. He’s been uncharacteristically calm lately and I can only guess that his cunning wife Emily has been slipping sedatives into his morning brew. Or perhaps he has just been biding his time?  Waiting for the perfect time to exert his final plan for dominion over his entire extended family? Because he is back at it again.  In a series of fatal emails over the past few days, he has once again gained the top of the mountain and shows no signs of getting tossed off anytime soon.

The missives must have been laced with some sort of a jelly-like substance that slowly breaks down even the most stalwart of family members, because one by one… they all fell.

Except for me.

The Oracle’s magic doesn’t work on me.

I am somehow immune to it, forcing the Oracle to delve deeper and deeper into his dark arts to gain control. He even managed to shape shift this time in an attempt to break my will! Proving once and for all that his dangerous powers are growing! If someone doesn’t stop him soon, HE WILL RULE THE FAMILY! And every Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, Fourth of July, Presidents Day, Ides of March, Saint Patrick’s Day, Spring Equinox and Summer Solstice,  we will all be completely under his control! He will decide the menu, the cutlery, how many pieces of pie everyone gets, THE KIND OF PIE, the sleeping arrangements, the keg options, whether or not the brats have to be boiled prior to grilling or if they CAN JUST BE PLACED DIRECTLY ON THE GRILL!

And the constant cabbaging over Cajun cabbage?


I will be forced to pretend that the KU Mizzou game matters to me!

I will have to GO to football games!

My furtive escapes to explore downtown Lawrence during family gatherings after football games will come to a brutal end.

He will make all of my kids take naps when his kids take naps at which point, the SHUSHING will commence and I will have to GO ALONG WITH IT!

I have decided to print a few of the recent missives in an effort to leave some clues behind. So that maybe someday… someone will be able to put this all together… and find out what happened to this family?  Whose iron-fisted grip held us hostage until we surrendered even the birth-dates of our babies?

Several relatives were initially resistant to his plans to collect our personal information into one tidy spot, but one by one they were worn down to gelatinous nubbins through the Oracle’s hypnotic insistence, his campaign of chaos, and his non-stop whittling, whittling, whittling away of his victims viscera until they are left weak, bloodied, scattered, scared and struggling for breath.  These letters come at the end of the battle.  Almost everyone is broken.

Only I was left standing against him.

And in the end he got to me too…



Dear Family,

Please find attached the Data I collected on our family.  Please send me updates as you change your status and I will issue updates to the family.

Please note that if you change the date at the top of the spread sheet it will update the calendar calculations fun…!


(Please not how PARTICULAR he is about everything!  Is anyone else’s head about to explode here?  Because the fissures in mine are almost two inches deep!)



Dear Family,

Please find attached an updated Family Data Sheet.

I was notified of a couple of errors and anomalies in the addresses and the phone numbers.  I think I have them all cleaned up.  Please check your data and let me know if your information is not correct.

Sorry for any confusion.


(That apology is just a part of his ruse people.  Don’t believe it for a second.)



Dear Family,

Wait a minute, Steve did not require everyone else’s SSN’s and online banking passwords?????



Dear Steve,

A few days ago, a strange man in a white pickup truck (very similar to Mike’s and yet a different truck entirely) pulled up to the house.  Thinking it was my husband, I pointedly ignored it (like I always do) but when one of my children came panting out to the garden (where I was admirably pulling weeds) and told me that there was a MAN who wanted to TALK to me, I trudged up to the porch.  But as I was trudging towards the porch, the man was trudging towards the garden.  We met halfway (in front of the Dwarf Korean Lilacs) and it was then that I learned that he was collecting info for the US Census.

Which I willingly gave him.

And now I completely regret it.

Because I am worried that if the government is keeping track of how many kids I have and knows that they are all boys, they are far more likely to think of my family as draft-able into any war that might be cooking on the back burner.

Sorry if that was a bit too much paranoia for the average Malin to handle, but it is part of the story.

And all this is stated just to let Steve know that I freely gave out information to a perfect stranger in a white truck and yet still have not responded  to Steve’s email demanding my personal info.  As far as I can figure, the Malin’s know where we are.  And they certainly seem to be able to contact us.  Why then does Steve require this info yet again?

If these questions are ever answered, I will happily participate.

Until then,



Dear Rechelle,

I am glad to report that my “man with a white truck” ruse worked.  I was able to issue the latest Malin Family Data by posing as a census worker and collecting data from those of you that are, somewhat dizzy gardeners, reluctant patriots and not yet all out separatists.

I regret to inform those of you who fell for my performance that another “real” census worker is likely to visit in the near future.  Just remember census worker don’t typically sport witty banter, dashing mustaches and ready access to your family trivia.  I mean really Rechelle, one of your sons names on the form you signed was filled in as Ethan Michael Motorcycle.

Oh, and relax Christi that information you gave me about JJ and his “time” in Costa Rico will never make it to the Department of Immigration or Justice for that matter, just as long as that little checky shows up on time each month that is… ;)

Jason, where was it that your mother was born again? And what was her maiden name?


Do you see!


I will work tirelessly to destroy him.


You can thank me later.


  • km:

    Never trust a ginger

  • bPer:

    He will decide … whether or not the brats have to be boiled prior to grilling or if they CAN JUST BE PLACED DIRECTLY ON THE GRILL!

    Psst … Rechelle … yes, as a newly-minted atheist, it may seem liberating to be finally able to admit your taste for eating babies (particularly these mis-behaving ones), but it’s bad PR for the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, so … shhh!


  • LOL – EVERY family has one. My Dad’s family had 9 kids, who have kids, and they have kids – so I have several aunts and at least 1 first cousin who are constantly trying to rope us all into submission. We will not be contained!

    Keep up the good fight :)

  • Fight the good fight, Rechelle!

  • AnnB:

    Km–that’s just too good!!!!

  • Martha in Kansas:

    I see what kind of pressure you’re up against. I suggest appearing to comply, but offering odd, random, useless data. Shoe sizes, hat sizes, sock color preferences. Be sure he notes your boys bat left. Aim to tangle his data to the point he’ll be forced to spend his time undoing your help. He’ll learn to be more cautious of you!

    He’s not working on a genealogical database is he?

    If he ever succeeds in his diabolical plan and you’re needing to get away from the family, tell him you need to meet up with the Kleins. That will throw him.

    “I Met Him by the Lilacs” sounds like a good romance title.

  • Why must someone always be in charge of everyone? I think every family has one. Dang fun-suckers.

  • sandy:

    Ha! I agree with MelissaD-every family has one. However, in my family we have two. Aaaaaand…… they happen to be married to each other! Oh my gravy! The stories I could tell….I just site the HIPAA privacy rules to them and turn around and run!

  • Action Squirrel:

    I wish our Oracle had a sense of humor like yours does. Does he do parties or special events?

  • sd:

    Poor, sweet Rechelle. Resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated.

  • If I had one in my family, which I don’t, that email address would be “Marked As Spam” Thank you Gmail!

  • GA in GA:

    Uh-oh . . . I am the one in the family who keeps the genealogical database. Running to hide!

  • Heidi:

    This reminds me of a situation in our family – though it was NOT funny at all. My brother, who happened to work with an agency that fell under the Department of Homeland Security was asking for all of our Social Security Numbers after my dad died. He was the executor of Dad’s estate and needed to finalize some documents. My sister, who I fear may someday be in a remote cabin surrounded by the ATF, refused to give him her Social Security Number for fear he was working for the corrupt government. He then went on to joke that he could red flag her husband’s name on his next business flight and she flew all over him like a Waco wife. Okay, I guess it was funny. He just went back to his office and confirmed her SS# through his own database. Evil government enterprise.
    If I sent an e-mail like Steve’s that to my sister, she’d start storing up bottled water and canned tuna in preparation for the big raid.

    I think I want to meet the Oracle.

  • Priss:

    bPer, I’ve been tickled by your comment since I read it yesterday. Just had to say how much you made me laugh.

  • bPer:

    Thanks, Priss. I was starting to worry that nobody got the joke. That would make me look either insane or like a psychopath. I assure you I’m neither (at least according to the dragon in my garage) :)