Browsing Archives for June 2010

My father-in-law taught me a special trick for growing big onions. You might already know about it, but it’s new to me.

I also captured a few butterflies on film in my coneflowers.  They are just for pretty.  It’s all up at Farmhouse and Garden.

Ohio Jesus Burns

June 15th, 2010


Possible theories as to why God threw a bolt of lightning at his own statue...

1.  The statue made him look fat.

2.  He walks on the water.  On!  ON!  He does not wade chest high with hands extended begging for mercy!

3.  The cross was poking him in the clavicle.

4.  The whole nearby power line thing… it made his shoulders ache just looking at it.

5.  The quarter of a million dollars it cost to make this statue was just not impressive enough.

6. There weren’t any Haitians nearby.  

7.  To raise awareness.

8.  To create buzz.

9.  He was aiming for the ‘Jesus in the Wheat’ billboard on Interstate 70, but Gabriel bumped into his elbow right when he threw the bolt.  

10. Insert your own theory here internet and remember!  God is NOT MOCKED!

Putrescence in the Garden

June 14th, 2010

1.

I have a perennial bed on the South side of the house by the deck.  Along with flowers, I also have a few clumps of tall grass planted in this area.  Earlier this Spring, one of the clumps of grass died.  I dug it up leaving a large hole in the garden.  Over time, that hole seemed to fill in.  I added a bit of mulch to it as well, to even it out.

Last week, I decided to fill in all the bare places in that particular perennial bed by planting some sunflower seeds.  I had a handful of seeds and was smashing them into the damp earth in all the blank areas and I decided to also plant several seeds in the empty space left by the former grass clump.  Crouching in between several prickly perennials with a hand full of seeds, I poked my index finger into the hole to create a well for the seed, only to have my hand sink in to the ground to my wrist.  The dirt in that hole was completely different than the dirt in any other part of that bed.  It was ‘loose’.  Like a loose stool.  Because it was a loose stool.  Some animal had been using the grass hole as their own personal loo.  On my knees, wrist deep in excrement, a few sunflower seeds tumbled from my hand. As I pulled my hand back out, the seeds were properly buried.  You will be happy to know that they are thriving.

2.

We keep an old metal milk pail on the deck to collect food scraps for the compost pile.  Usually the pail is filled with vegetable parings, but this time that pail was also filled with rain water.  Last night, I carried the sloshing bucket to the compost pile careful not to let it spill onto my legs.  As I upended the bucket into the compost, a loud sucking sound was followed by a great gush of liquid. Evidently the veggies had formed a plug over a well of gritty, yellow water that smelled of sick baby diarrhea.  As I poured the bucket into the compost, it sloshed against my hands and arms landing on my shoes and ankles as it hit the uneven contents of the compost. I tried not to think about what it was that I had just been showered in as I turned on the hose frantically using the nozzle as a scrubber to GET THAT CRAP OFF OF ME!

3.

Both of these instances as well as a few others have made me want to walk away from gardening forever and move into an vacuum sealed container where shrink wrapped meals are delivered to me thrice daily by robots wearing rubber gloves and hair nets.  They reek of institutionalized soap and heavy duty bleach making my nostrils burn, but I am intoxicated by their scent.  I want to roll in it.  I want to SWIM in it!  Because I am just not sure that a garden fresh tomato is worth being regularly bathed in mother nature’s loamy shit.