Browsing Archives for June 2010

There are hundreds of reasons, mountains of evidence, ark-fulls of facts that instantly discredit the Noah’s Ark story from actually happening.  The neighboring Egyptians lived happily before, during and after the flood, writing their history uninterrupted by any forty day thunderstorm.  There are pyramids that pre-date the time that Noah would have been constructing his ark, and these structures show absolutely no water marks or other damage that would have been consistent with significant time under water.  The fossil record does not show a mixture of human remains with animal remains as if there were a sudden world wide catastrophe during which all life came to an end.  You can click here for many more reasons why a global flood that occurred somewhere between six and ten thousand years ago is complete lunacy.

But my reasons for rejecting the idea of Noah and his ark are much more inclined towards the human side of the story and all those babies who died in the alleged flood.  Why did Noah’s god feel the need to kill all those people again?  Oh yeah… because they were sleeping with angels.   They were having sex with angels and producing gigantic sized offspring!  Because that little detail only makes the story SO MUCH MORE BELIEVABLE DOESN’T IT!!!!

I have to tell you that according to the utterly ridiculous interpretation of the ‘Noah Show’ that we watched in Branson, Noah and his three sons were definitely NOT having sex with angels or with anything else, not even their wives! There was no sex going on there at all.  I think that Shem, Ham and Japeth were conceived in yet another instance of a god paying a visit to an undefiled girl and shooting his god seed into her through magic!  Because there was absolutely NO SEX going on in that show.

According to the Branson version of Noah, over the one hundred years that it took Noah’s family to build that ark, there was not one single infant born to any of the sons of Noah.  Not one!  Also, Mrs. Noah felt perfectly at ease to wake her sons and their sleeping wives in the morning with a motherly shake of their shoulders, singing to them in a Cinderella voice while bluebirds flew around her head.  She seemed very certain that she was not going to encounter anyone in… uh… compromised positions (missionary or otherwise).

At one point Noah and his sons visit the ‘evil city’ where all the sin is supposed to be going down.  The only way that ‘sin’ is depicted in the show was through the depraved medium of scarf swirling.  Female actresses draped in layers of robes covered from neck to ankle twirled scarves in front of the men throughout the city.  This scarf swirling was not accompanied by hip swirling, eye batting, boob thrusting, bottom shaking, pole dancing, nor even the horrifying removal of the bun pin and shaking of the hair loose.  Only scarf swirling and one mildly aggressive leader who kicked Noah and his sons out of the city when Noah went all ‘my god is the best god’ on him.  And for this, all of those people (and their babies) were drowned.

Oh!  And I guess they were also sleeping with angels too.

But they sure didn’t show us any of that.

It reminded me of a book I am reading right now called Crazy for God by Frank Schaeffer.  There is a story in that book when Frank is directing a film that gives an evangelical christian version of historical events including art history and they shoot some footage of Michaelangelo’s David for the film.  But due to David’s massive ‘man parts’, all of the scenes that show ‘David’ are cut.  The Christian producer of the film said something like, “Christians might tolerate one of Mary’s holy tits (in a Madonna and child painting) but they won’t be able to stand the sight of David’s massive cock.”  So David was castrated and film footage was used that showed him only from the waist up.  Because back in Bible times, men didn’t have cocks.  Which actually explains a lot doesn’t it?  And Noah’s evil city was filled with horrible women who spent their days swirling scarves.  And this angered Noah’s god so much that he decided to kill them all.

The babies, the toddlers, the five year olds, the six year olds, the seven year olds and the eight year olds and I am sure that there were a bunch of scarf swirling pregnant women that drowned too, making God responsible for the death of lots of unborn babies and we are supposed to believe that this same god, this same tyrant who drowns babies and toddlers and even the unborn – loves us SO MUCH that he DIED ON A CROSS to save us from the sin that he cursed us with to begin with?

Could there not possibly have been a different way to change things more to your liking oh omnipotent creator of the universe?

Maybe instead of having a man build a boat to save only his own family, you could have paid the people a visit yourself god!  Walked around!  Got to know them!  Swirled a few scarves!  Taught them that slave owing is a really bad idea!  Shown them how to prevent disease and maybe opened a really good birthing center!  Started a good school!  Introduced the idea of wind-power!  Told them that the world is round and that they shouldn’t ever kill anyone for having new ideas that might seem to invalidate holy writ.  Informed them that holy writ is a pile of beans and that what really matters is making sure that everyone has enough to eat, access to decent health care and education.

But Noah’s god didn’t do that did he?

Nope.

Instead he put a bunch of animals on a boat.

And those animals filled that boat with shit.

Piles and piles of shit.

Mountains of shit.

An entire ark that was full of shit.

Just like the whole Noah and the Ark story.

Just like Noah’s god.

Thank goodness I don’t have to believe in that particular boat load of shit anymore.


Okay version of David for evangelical Christians.


Not okay version of David for evangelicals.


Really, really, REALLY not okay version of David for evangelical Christians.

The Freaky Flower

June 23rd, 2010

I was walking across the meadow to my neighbor’s house the other day and I saw this flower.

And I was all like, what the…????

What is going on here?

It kind of looks like two or maybe even three Black Eyed Susans grew together.

But then I was all like – what if my neighbor is watching me photograph this flower right now?

She probably thinks I am a total freak!

But then I remembered that my neighbor already KNOWS that I am a total freak.

So I took all the photos that I wanted to take of this freaky flower in my neighbor’s meadow.

It’s nice to have a neighbor that is okay with the freakiness.

Blue Hydrangeas

June 23rd, 2010

This year I put some aluminum sulfate on the dirt around my hydrangeas to get a blue bloom.  I don’t do this every year because I have mixed feelings about gigantic blue blossoms.  I think they look a little goofy… a little clownish… a little bit like cotton candy at the fair.

Did you know that the best way to get blue blooms on a hydrangea is to plant one beside a house with a slate roof?  Rainwater that comes off of a slate roof contains mild doses of sulfuric acid that won’t damage a hydrangea’s roots, but will result in a nice blue flower.  Most people might find adding a slate roof to their homes for the sake of blue hydrangeas to be a bit beyond their budget so they can choose the more budget friendly option of sprinkling on a bit of aluminum sulfate.  Just be careful and maybe only add it to the soil every other year.  Give your amended hydrangeas plenty of water too, as aluminum sulfate is acid and well… need I say more?  Acid… roots… plants… these things must exist in a delicate balance.

And as goofy as the big blue blooms look to me on a shrub…

They are absolutely lovely in an arrangement on the kitchen table.