God Drowns Babies and Toddlers To Put an End to Angel Sex

June 23rd, 2010

There are hundreds of reasons, mountains of evidence, ark-fulls of facts that instantly discredit the Noah’s Ark story from actually happening.  The neighboring Egyptians lived happily before, during and after the flood, writing their history uninterrupted by any forty day thunderstorm.  There are pyramids that pre-date the time that Noah would have been constructing his ark, and these structures show absolutely no water marks or other damage that would have been consistent with significant time under water.  The fossil record does not show a mixture of human remains with animal remains as if there were a sudden world wide catastrophe during which all life came to an end.  You can click here for many more reasons why a global flood that occurred somewhere between six and ten thousand years ago is complete lunacy.

But my reasons for rejecting the idea of Noah and his ark are much more inclined towards the human side of the story and all those babies who died in the alleged flood.  Why did Noah’s god feel the need to kill all those people again?  Oh yeah… because they were sleeping with angels.   They were having sex with angels and producing gigantic sized offspring!  Because that little detail only makes the story SO MUCH MORE BELIEVABLE DOESN’T IT!!!!

I have to tell you that according to the utterly ridiculous interpretation of the ‘Noah Show’ that we watched in Branson, Noah and his three sons were definitely NOT having sex with angels or with anything else, not even their wives! There was no sex going on there at all.  I think that Shem, Ham and Japeth were conceived in yet another instance of a god paying a visit to an undefiled girl and shooting his god seed into her through magic!  Because there was absolutely NO SEX going on in that show.

According to the Branson version of Noah, over the one hundred years that it took Noah’s family to build that ark, there was not one single infant born to any of the sons of Noah.  Not one!  Also, Mrs. Noah felt perfectly at ease to wake her sons and their sleeping wives in the morning with a motherly shake of their shoulders, singing to them in a Cinderella voice while bluebirds flew around her head.  She seemed very certain that she was not going to encounter anyone in… uh… compromised positions (missionary or otherwise).

At one point Noah and his sons visit the ‘evil city’ where all the sin is supposed to be going down.  The only way that ‘sin’ is depicted in the show was through the depraved medium of scarf swirling.  Female actresses draped in layers of robes covered from neck to ankle twirled scarves in front of the men throughout the city.  This scarf swirling was not accompanied by hip swirling, eye batting, boob thrusting, bottom shaking, pole dancing, nor even the horrifying removal of the bun pin and shaking of the hair loose.  Only scarf swirling and one mildly aggressive leader who kicked Noah and his sons out of the city when Noah went all ‘my god is the best god’ on him.  And for this, all of those people (and their babies) were drowned.

Oh!  And I guess they were also sleeping with angels too.

But they sure didn’t show us any of that.

It reminded me of a book I am reading right now called Crazy for God by Frank Schaeffer.  There is a story in that book when Frank is directing a film that gives an evangelical christian version of historical events including art history and they shoot some footage of Michaelangelo’s David for the film.  But due to David’s massive ‘man parts’, all of the scenes that show ‘David’ are cut.  The Christian producer of the film said something like, “Christians might tolerate one of Mary’s holy tits (in a Madonna and child painting) but they won’t be able to stand the sight of David’s massive cock.”  So David was castrated and film footage was used that showed him only from the waist up.  Because back in Bible times, men didn’t have cocks.  Which actually explains a lot doesn’t it?  And Noah’s evil city was filled with horrible women who spent their days swirling scarves.  And this angered Noah’s god so much that he decided to kill them all.

The babies, the toddlers, the five year olds, the six year olds, the seven year olds and the eight year olds and I am sure that there were a bunch of scarf swirling pregnant women that drowned too, making God responsible for the death of lots of unborn babies and we are supposed to believe that this same god, this same tyrant who drowns babies and toddlers and even the unborn – loves us SO MUCH that he DIED ON A CROSS to save us from the sin that he cursed us with to begin with?

Could there not possibly have been a different way to change things more to your liking oh omnipotent creator of the universe?

Maybe instead of having a man build a boat to save only his own family, you could have paid the people a visit yourself god!  Walked around!  Got to know them!  Swirled a few scarves!  Taught them that slave owing is a really bad idea!  Shown them how to prevent disease and maybe opened a really good birthing center!  Started a good school!  Introduced the idea of wind-power!  Told them that the world is round and that they shouldn’t ever kill anyone for having new ideas that might seem to invalidate holy writ.  Informed them that holy writ is a pile of beans and that what really matters is making sure that everyone has enough to eat, access to decent health care and education.

But Noah’s god didn’t do that did he?

Nope.

Instead he put a bunch of animals on a boat.

And those animals filled that boat with shit.

Piles and piles of shit.

Mountains of shit.

An entire ark that was full of shit.

Just like the whole Noah and the Ark story.

Just like Noah’s god.

Thank goodness I don’t have to believe in that particular boat load of shit anymore.


Okay version of David for evangelical Christians.


Not okay version of David for evangelicals.


Really, really, REALLY not okay version of David for evangelical Christians.

Comments

  • I can only imagine the search engine hits you are going to see on your tracker…

  • Nadine:

    Oh my god, this is the best. You…are just the best. So funny.

  • Dawn:

    Hi! :) I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now and love it. I have a question for you…..I know that when I first started reading your blog you would go to church and you believed. What happened? I know it is none of my biz-niss I’ve just been courious since I am going through my own ummmmm can we call it a test of faith. I haven’t been to church in months and not so sure I want to go back.

    This blog post gave me some things to think about today.
    hugs,
    dawn

  • Nanc in Ashland:

    Somewhere there’s a scarf swirling actress psyching herself up before every show by mentally chanting “it’s to pay of the BFA student loans” over and over and over! And after the show she’s sitting in the bar sobbing into a beer muttering “I have a BFA! I played Juliet my freshman year! And now I’m swirling a scarf in a show about a big boat with a shitload of animals!”

    At least that’s what springs to my mind. Funny entry. Nice pictures!

  • km:

    And again as Niterade boy would ask, how did he rustle up a platypus?

  • Dawn – it has been a long process for me. I was a christian for 41 years and struggled with many things about my faith for a long, long time. Last fall I started reading some books and web sites that finally allowed me to unhook myself from the matrix of mythological beliefs and start looking at life from a completely sane and realistic point of view. I still have a lot to learn and much to purge from my formely god pickled mind, but I am working on it. To read more about my de-conversion you might start here. mysistersfarmhouse.com/2010/01/how-i-became-an-atheist-a-parable/.

  • If I’m not mistaken, this shot of David looks like the one in the Getty Museum in California. We went there 20 years ago where one of my small daughters said……Mom……what is that thing…….I said….what thing honey?……..she said…..there….that thing…….It echoed in the hall and the woman next to us tried with all of her strength not to laugh but didn’t succeed. It was a great day.

  • OpenMind:

    Have I got a vacation destination for you, Rechelle! http://www.noahsarkwaterpark.com/.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh Rechelle, you religious anarchist, you! I was howling while reading about NoahLand yesterday, and got more of the same today. I hope you don’t take offense, but your style of writing brings to mind two of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut and Hunter S. Thompson, and I can’t get enough of it. PLEEEEEZ… keep doing exactly what you’re doing, fight the fight, pillory the insane membrane no-brained religious zealots, and THANK YOU for your efforts. WE… ARE… WITH… YOU.

  • LucyJoy:

    Again, I’ll say, you’re a HOOT and a half, Rechelle! Love the post! You’re my d

  • LucyJoy:

    ooops…As I was saying, You’re my daily tonic!

  • I know, I know, I have said it before. But again – I adore you lol. Epic post. Also… Davids cock? *Grins and nods*

  • Laura:

    Laughing, Spewing lemonade. Who knew you’d be talking about boobs and cocks today?????

  • Kait:

    Quite frankly he is not very well hung at all. I am sure he would be made fun of in the guys shower.

  • km:

    One would question Michaelangelo’s own endowment given David’s lack therof. Aside from that though David… obviously a soccer player.

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    Brilliant once again, Rechelle.

    And if any of the Rechelle bashers don’t like this post, maybe they should just go peruse this site instead…

    http://www.thebricktestament.com/genesis/noahs_insobriety/gn09_18-19.html

  • Rechelle,

    I imagine that one of the “shocking” things about your journey back to rationality has been realising how ridiculous and ludicrous – not to mention embarrassing – many of the things you believed actually are?

    I think it’s important to remember that we’re all born atheists – the crazy stuff has to be learned/forced into us.

  • Joel Wheeler:

    My Rechelle-Love meter just redlined. I will be loling all day over “the depraved medium of scarf swirling.”

    I think “scarf-swirling” should enter the lexicon right behind “luggage-lifting.”

  • Carol:

    He’s definitely more balls than cock- but the rest of him is mighty fine. Remember- these are the SAME people who insist on covering up Justice’s boobs. For such a sex negative group of people, modern life is certainly one big persecution for all of them- which is just what they like since persecution = holiness or something.
    THANKS Rechelle!! So glad you survived your trip intact : )

  • Kiara:

    Angel sex? Really? I’ve never heard that part of the story. I shall have to go look it up.

  • Nanc in Ashland:

    Rechelle, I for one can’t wait to hear what your Google analytics tell you about the searches for boobs, balls and cocks. I can already picture the faces of cubicle dwellers who surf on office time wondering “where’s the porn?!”

  • tony:

    “And this angered Noah’s god so much that he decided to kill them all.” – rechelle

    nope, missed some:

    31 But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” 32 And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. 33 We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.” numbers 13:31-33.

  • In the Vatican, all statues are castrated. Even the poor little cherubs!

  • Kay in KCMO:

    Great points with the great funny. The angel’s gigantic offspring are what became Bigfoot and his northern cousin, the Yeti. And why did all the people in the New World have to be killed when they hadn’t even heard of the pissy Abrahamic god? Were they scarf swirlers, too? And, Rechelle, I noticed in your account that no men were swirling scarves. Does that mean they weren’t sinning? It was only the women?

    (I’ve seen the replica David at Ceasar’s Palace and he’s got a great tushie.)

    Another thing – why didn’t all the non-aquatic plants die? People who really believe this shit is literal/historical are just beyond my comprehension. But, then, I’ve been atheist since I was 10 years old.

  • Well I’ll be. I never heard that bit about the sex with the angels in MY bible class. HAHAHAHA. Oh, this stuff gets better all the time, and my resolve firmer and firmer. What kind of CRAZY TALK!!??!?

    Nevermind pointing it out to the Big C’s though. They’ll dismiss with some irrational jargon or other.

  • Mindy:

    Have you seen Eddie Izzard? He does some great work on biblical ridiculousness. Glorious is one of my favorite shows of his and it has some great stuff. This reminded me of a quote from it.

    “There’s a huge hole in the whole flood drama because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free and it was the idea to kill everything.
    He didn’t say “I will kill everything! Except the floating ones and the swimming ones who will get out due to a loophole.”"

  • Sara:

    You are so funny!

    Have you ever seen the movie Zeitgeist?

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-594683847743189197#

    The subject of religion starts about 11 minutes into the movie, I found it very interesting.

    Sara

  • Kim K. in Western PA:

    Tonight when I twirl my scarf for my husband I am going to pretend that he looks like David – or George Clooney.

  • Maybe David was a grower not a shower? I’m sure art students somewhere have had a discussion over the meaning of that not-so-prominent part of his anatomy.

  • This post and the comments are the best. A grower not a shower. I can barely type that through the laughter.

    This post is so funny. Thank you!

    Kim – hehehe

  • Spinny:

    km — Shrinkage! He was in the pool!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cUNNKzj_Nc

  • Kay in KCMO:

    Not sure if this is the best place to put this, but there’s a little bit of good news on the Texas education front:

    http://ncse.com/news/2010/06/legal-defeat-icr-005583

  • Kay in KCMO – that is good news.

  • Spinny, I was wondering how long it would be before someone brought that up.

  • Another Lee:

    Hmmmm… maybe he became an adulterer to overcompensate for being underendowed….

    I saw the original in Florence and I second the “nice butt” comment!

    This whole post zinged – so funny!!

  • Loving the “grower not a shower” comments! Is my immaturity showing? How embarrassing!

  • Carry:

    Once again you make me laugh and give me good ammo for the religious ones in my family. How did I never think of the whole Egyptian angle before??? Probably because it’s always felt like a fairy tale so I just didn’t feel like I needed to.

    Love the blog, keep it up!

  • I just started reading this blog this morning. I did find it through PW fake!! I googled PW fake cause all my Christian non thinking (love em but they are crazy) friends think she is the Bees Knees.

    Anyway loved the post. I was raised Christian and attended Christian School. The process to coming into enlightenment was not easy.

    One of the stories that pushed me over the edge is the Exodus 10 Commandment story. If you haven’t blogged about it please do. I was so surprised when I first read that the real written 10th commandment was to not boil a baby goat in his/her own mothers milk.

    Enjoyed the post and will be back for more.

    Cheers

  • Mac:

    Excuse my ignorance but what is significant about the Exodus 10?

  • Emily:

    I second the Eddie Izzard recommendations; he is hilarious and so clever. “Dressed to Kill” is my absolute favorite.

    As far as the Exodus 10 thing…there are 2 (or is it 3?) separate accounts in the old testament that list the 10 commandments. The original set (which Moses broke in anger) contained the items that we typically think of: no killing, no stealing, honor your parents, etc. When they were “re-written”, some of them were the same but some were very strange, like the instruction not to boil a kid in its mother’s milk. It comes up sometimes because there are some people who would like to base state/national laws on “God’s law” or biblical law or the 10 commandments, which could make for some very odd laws. Plus, for all accounts things like slavery, rape and pedophilia were conspicuously absent, which makes one wonder about God’s priorities…

    I also thought the ancient Egyptians would be interested to know that they were totally wiped out by a flood right in the middle of their empire. Plus that one random day where the sun stood still in the sky. You’d think sun-worshippers would have remarked about that one.

  • Alison:

    Here is an interesting website for you to take a look at: http://biologos.org/blog There are several posts about the flood that I’ve been reading. As a Christian homeschooler who also has a Bachelor of Science, I was horrified when I started looking into science curriculum and found things like Apologia and Answers in Genesis. I knew I didn’t agree with these websites but I needed to have answers when other homeschoolers asked me how I could have faith but not take a literal interpretation of Genesis. I’ve struggled with this for the past year or two and have asked lots of questions–I have a Father in law who’s a Baptist minister and an Uncle who’s an archeologist. Thank you for pushing me to delve deeper. I appreciate your writing even if I don’t always agree with your conclusion.

  • susan:

    It’s the lack of logic in the religious beliefs that bugs the crap out of me. I think many are afraid to delve too deeply in case they have to face something they cant handle. Like my sister Nancy..Baptist to the core. Wait…its too early to get verklempt over my issues with her and our religious upbringing.

    Love your honesty and humor. Cock is the euphenism the Brits usually say dont they?

    And I love reading the comments. Shrinkage! I think SPINNY enjoys Seinfeld. Very funny.

  • Couldn’t God just have called an angel summit or something?

    God: “Yeah guys, about all the sex you’re having with humans….”

    And why did we get punished because the angels can’t keep it in their robes? Way to blame the victim, God.

  • bPer:

    Alison, Biologos is Christian apologist BS. To pay attention to anything they write is to abandon what you should have learned in your B.SC program. See Prof. PZ Myers’ take and Prof. Jerry Coyne’s take on that organization.

    I appreciate that you’re trying to reconcile the conflict between your interest in science and your faith, and to pass on both to your kids, but there is no way to do it honestly. You will either end up passing on lies and ignorance like the creationists do, or you will abandon one or the other.

    βPer

  • bPer:

    Aw, drat. That was poorly-written. By “one or the other”, I meant science or faith. Sorry about that.

    βPer

  • annie:

    I am extremely unhappy with my church. I am in a state and city that is seeping in Mormonism. I want out. I’m chicken though. I wish I had your balls….and David’s too. :)

  • Sorry to be vague I am not a writer myself but could imagine a very funny, logical and interesting post about the 10 Commandments. There are three versions in the King James version of the bible. The first Moses goes up the Mt. comes back down and SPEAKS the commandments the ones popularly known like covet and kill. Those it seems were not sufficient so he goes up again comes down and this times has the Commandments on tablets that he breaks in anger. Goes up a second time and God says I will give them to you the same as the first time. Leading one to believe that Moses went up the Mt. at least four times because this time the commandments are dietary laws. As the other poster said many laws were left out all together. The story in Exodus coupled with Jesus not knowing the 10 Commandments in Matthew and many other things similar with explanations that felt like I had swallowed a big pile of cow dung lead to more questions and ultimately to my leaving my parents religion behind. I ordered the Sam Houston book and I am looking forward to reading it. I currently am reading Richard Dawkins and it just feels so right.

  • Wow I should proof read more often before hitting send. As I said not a writer a math girl. Hope you can muddle thru that!

  • Alison,

    Contrary to what ?Per just posted, I do think it’s possible to reconcile science and religion; it’s just that it requires a clear understanding of what science is and does, and (for most people) a revised assessment of what religion is and what it does. I’ve touched on this a couple of times in my own writing, notably here and here.

    Part of the problem is here: “…Other homeschoolers asked me how I could have faith but not take a literal interpretation of Genesis.” That’s like asking how you can be a Christian and not be a Fundamentalist. Yes, I know some fundamentalists don’t think that’s possible, but the fact of the matter is that people have been doing it for years, possibly even millenia. The insistence that the entire bible must be taken absolutely literally is a relatively new development.

  • bPer:

    Michael, you can generate my username using the expression “βPer”, or you can save yourself the hassle and just use the lower-case “b” as I do in the Name field.

    I took a quick look at your posts. I doubt that any of the theists posting here would accept the reassessment you have in mind for reconciling science and religion. I come from a very liberal church (United Church of Canada) that is on par with your Episcopalians as far as beliefs go, and even they couldn’t stop themselves from making faith claims that clearly cross the line into the material universe. As such, they can be examined scientifically. If scientific examination yields an explanation that contradicts the myth, believers have a decision to make – willfully ignore the contradiction or lie to themselves about it (typically by listening to ignorant apologists over experts in the field).

    As far as I know, only faith systems like deism stay away from making claims in the material universe, and people like Alison won’t likely find that palatable.

    βPer

  • Ah, so that’s the code. Thanks!

    “I doubt that any of the theists posting here would accept the reassessment you have in mind for reconciling science and religion.”

    You may be right. Not being a theist myself, I’m in no position to judge.

    “If scientific examination yields an explanation that contradicts the myth, believers have a decision to make – willfully ignore the contradiction or lie to themselves about it.”

    I think there’s a third option (or, at least, there should be): reconsider how you’re reading the myth. Are you making a truth claim out of something that’s meant as a parable, or an allegory? Are you interpreting a specific message as a universal rule? (Or, conversely, are you expecting too much scientific precision from a message that was, after all, delivered to bronze-age shepherds?) Are you mistaking a claim about human nature for a description of the natural world?

    ::shrugs:: I don’t know. I know there are people who are aware of the apparent contradictions within the Bible, and between some of the Bible’s apparent claims and the conclusions drawn by science, and who still manage to retain their faith. I don’t know how they manage it… but that may be precisely because I didn’t manage it myself.

    Anyway, thanks for looking at those posts.

  • Amy:

    Another Bible story that shows the Christian God as cruel and petty is the Ten Plagues he blasted Egypt with when Pharaoh refused to let “God’s Chosen” leave.

    God gets into a pissing contest with a mere mortal and then intentionally spreads death, disease and destruction upon a country full of innocent bystanders to prove that he’s king of the hill in the context of the Egyptian gods and mortals.

    There’s a loving and compassionate God if I ever saw one. If he’s truly “God” why didn’t he just skip all the drama, knock off Pharoah and free his people on his own?

  • Lisa:

    I am a Christian and home educate my 8-year-old son. About a month ago, he came upon a picture of David in the Children’s Illustrated Encyclopedia. Though you seem to think a person of my ilk stammered and blushed and banned the book, you would be wrong. We talked about art and nudity in art and how a lot of great sculptures were nude or partially nude. No drama. No panic. Just learning. I enjoy reading your blog even though we have such diverse feelings about religion and God.

  • Kay in KCMO:

    annie, here ya go: http://www.exmormon.org/

    These are some of the best people on the planet: smart, funny, honest, angry, frustrated, sad, you name it! Please read the stories first before you go to the bulletin board. The board has very little censorship so be prepared for that.

    If you want to leave there *is* a way out!

  • susan:

    That photo of David appears to be the original David located on Florence. How would I know? My Baptist sister and I (NOT Baptist….dont think I ever was) went on a trip (GRUELING!!!) with the Baptist University located here in Houston in 1997. Grueling yes, but cram packed with an awakening that there is a life out there other than Houston. Lost 10 pounds due to walking, walking, walking. It was the first time I had ever been to Europe and I just turned 50.

  • Roman:

    Flawless.