Dear Charles

June 24th, 2010

When the design for the new blog is finished it is going to feature a section called ‘Dear Charles’.  Dear Charles will be an advice column written by my dear friend, Dear Charles.

And just who is Dear Charles, you might ask?

I must admit that I asked myself this question just a few weeks ago when Dear Charles friended me on Facebook.  Except that back then, he wasn’t Dear Charles.  He was just Plain Old, Regular Charles.  And to be honest, I wasn’t quite sure who Plain Old, Regular Charles was and I had to reach far back into my memories to figure it out and well, due to the four holes in my head where the babies came out, that was a lot more work than it should have been.

Charles?

Do I even know a Charles…????

Hmmmmmmm……

WAIT!

Charles…

CHARLES???

Oh My God CHARLES!

Once it dawned on me just who Charles was, I hastily friended him back hoping that my hesitation did not come across as some sort of a back handed insult or stony disregard.  But Charles graciously ignored my hesitation and so began a series of letters that have kept me entertained for weeks.  In fact, I became so addicted to Charles’s letters, that if a day went by without getting one, I lost my will to live and the Country Doctor had to hook me up to a respirator and pump me full of steroids.  Charles’s letters became a beacon for me, a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.  They shone into the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend them.  But I comprehended them!  And I was having so much fun catching up with Charles and reading his letters that I almost forgot I had a blog.  And that is REALLY SAYING SOMETHING!

But then!

One night!

There occurred a near fatal point in our communication!

Charles ran across a comment on my Facebook page that alluded to my blog.

“You have a blog?” Charles asked.  “Where can I find it?”  he inquired.

And that’s when I abruptly laid down my pen and stopped writing to Charles.

And no, it wasn’t really a pen, but surely you can see how saying ‘laid down my pen’ is much better suited to a post entitled ‘Dear Charles’ than the cold, blunt and thoroughly modern expression ‘closed my laptop’.  But I did close my laptop because I couldn’t write Charles back.

Because I didn’t know how to tell Charles about the blog.

I thought if I told Charles about the blog… somehow… someway…I was worried that… well… that maybe the magic letters from Charles would stop.

I was also just a tad nervous that Charles would hate my blog (as it certainly isn’t unusual for people to hate this blog).  I didn’t think Charles would hate the content… well… yes… maybe he would hate the content… but also he just might hate the uh… well…  sometimes… the occasional um… teensy… weensy… typo shows up in a post and and these typos have the annoying habit of … uh… multiplying whenever I turn my back.  It’s almost like they are breeding.  I guess I have devout Catholic typos… or maybe I have polygamous typos, because they seem to spawn a hundred-fold from the time I finish a post and the time I push the publish button and if I know one thing about Charles (other than that he is the best letter writer ever) it’s that he is an intolerable raging lunatic when it comes to typos.  It is somewhat amazing that he even managed to get through my letters at all without his brain exploding into bloody bits.  But he did.  And I owe him much for this.

And you dear reader, (even the dear readers who hate my guts) will also enjoy ‘Dear Charles’.  I know you will.  Not only because he is a typo Nazi and his writing will be stitched together so perfectly that you won’t even be able to see the stitches, but also because his writing will leave you in stitches.

But why should I try and convince you when I can just SHOW YOU!

Ahem!

I give you…

The first few letters that Charles and I exchanged after Charles friended me on Facebook and then I hesitated and finally friended him back.

Enjoy.

Please note – the letters may start off a bit slow, but if you give them time, they will slow down even more, at which point they will slowly swerve to a grinding halt and then begin to move backwards in imperceptible increments.  But they hugely entertained me.  I hope they will entertain you too.

If after reading the letters that I received from Dear Charles, you feel that you have finally come into contact with someone who is qualified to tackle a few prickly metaphysical issues in your own life,  please consider sending him a letter yourself.  I can only promise you this – should you receive a response from Charles, it is like being wrapped in a warm chocolatey blanket of care and concern with a decidedly nutty center.  You can reach ‘Dear Charles’ at ‘dear charles at live dot com’.

Comments

  • jamoody7:

    Absolute Awesomeness!! I can’t wait!

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    Welcome Dear Charles!

    I’m so happy the two of you found each other!

    After 20 years, my Dear not-Charles and I reconnected through Facebook last July. Our relationship also started like a daily crack habit, we met in person in February, and now enlighten each other’s lives by writing every week or two. Each letter is like the perfect present, and usually keeps us smiling all day.

    You will find that, like all relationships, this one will change over time, but will remain warm and gracious. My Dear not-Charles and I have moved beyond such mundane topics as our houses, his job, and my uterus, but still find common interests to discuss. Just yesterday, we wrote each other about serial killers and sex with dead hookers. My life wouldn’t be the same without him.

    Rechelle and Dear Charles, congratulations on finding each other again, and thank you for sharing your letters. I look forward to reading more from both of you.

  • Yay! I can’t wait for Dear Charles’ section!

  • Martha in Kansas:

    I read, I laughed, I (nearly) cried. Welcome, Dear Charles!

  • A) I like him!
    B) I want one of my own.
    C) He needs to learn a most important grammatical skill–paragraph breaks! He can’t deride your writing until he fixes his.
    D) So there! Neener nanny boo boo.

  • Keep this one. (Yes, I read all the way through your letter exchange!)

  • Anoria:

    Here I thought at the beginning of your post that you were planning a “letters to Darwin” section :) I like this idea too, and will go and read those letters just as soon as it isn’t 2am and past my bedtime.
    Typo and grammar Nazis unite.

  • Action Squirrel:

    I am really pleased about this development, not least of all because I had totally lost touch with Rolf in Düsseldorf and I have a tremendous poodle in desperate need of the loving touch of his particular clippers. “Pudel mit dem Partikel Gottes abgeschnitten” as I always say.

  • Cheyenne:

    OMFSM, that was a long, yet entertaining read! I’m finding myself wanting to now talk/think in that humerous or facetious, or whatever you call it, manner. Ack! You’re in my head! Anyway, I’m looking forward to a new addition to the crazy roller coaster that is your blog, Rechelle. Welcome, Dear Charles (may we all call you that?)! Oh, and I’m blaming the two holes in my head where the babies came out for the fact that my grammar is really, really bad. At least I only write comments, and you can skip over them if it annoys you too much.

  • Kiara:

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading Charles’ letters and happily welcome him to the blog! :)

  • Ok. I’m jealous of those of you that have a Dear Charles or someone not named Charles. Where can I find my very own Dear Charles? Do they go on sale? Ever?

    Am very much looking forward to this new venture!

  • km:

    Even I with my ADD read every word of this exchange. I have many thoughts. Firstly Rechelle I think you are reclaiming yourself post-uterus renderings. Secondly, you write so well and thirdly, how much fun to meet someone again who remembers you before all the family/motherhood/christian detox happened ! Wecome Dear Charles

  • A hearty and hale yes to the “Dear Charles” advice-giving scheme.

    I read every word of every letter and enjoyed the exchange with an enjoyment bordering on bliss.

  • Emily:

    For some (odd) reason, that entire exchange with Dear Charles reminded me of watching You’ve Got Mail. All of your entries were read (in my head) in Meg Ryan’s voice. Maybe because you are both good at getting across emotion in things that are actually supposed to be written and lacking inflection. Welcome, Dear Charles!

    PS-I am now halfway through season 3 of Bones and I am liking it very much, especially season 2. Thanks for the recommendation :)

  • Kait:

    I am in love. Dear Charles needs to write a book. Or hell even a blog. Between the two of you I may die of laughter though. I may have to take my reading in small doses.

  • Sharon:

    If this were on facebook I’d click “like”. I think it’s going to be a great addition to your blog.

  • Carrie:

    Those letters are great… very entertaining. I second Kait on the book idea.
    Can’t wait for more Dear Charles.

  • Nici:

    Love it…cant wait

  • Kay in KCMO:

    We have to hear the house song. Make it so.

  • kelly:

    Very witty and entertaining. I read and laughed through all of the letters. Charles’ writing style reminds me of David Sedaris.

  • Nancy in PA:

    Thanks for sharing Rechelle. It seemed to me like a much more entertaining version of the play “Love Letters”. Looking forward to reading more from Dear Charles.

  • sharon in Tx:

    Rechelle, I read your blog often and find it very interesting and funny. However, I have never posted a comment before (read many). After reading all of yours and dear Charles’s letter (the ones you posted anyway) I had to tell you how every much I loved them. Can’t wait to read more from dear Charles

  • Liz:

    Thanks for sharing “Dear Charles” with us!

  • Kathy:

    Dear Charles kicks ass!

  • Rechelle:

    Kathy – I know. He really is something ain’t he.

  • Kristin:

    I enjoy David Sedaris, but I have to say that I think Charles sounds mentally healthier. He sounds very centered, but maybe it’s just the exorbitant amount of time he spends composing his sentences that makes him seem that way. I look forward to his addition to your blog, & will have to be even more careful not to be drinking anything while I’m reading since I hate cleaning up “I laughed so hard I spewed tea all over my monitor” beverages.

  • GA in GA:

    Very entertaining. But I am not sure I can write to Dear Charles, as he will no doubt reference the same link for my writing.

    No wonder you have made your uterus off limits to the man!

  • Rechelle:

    GA in GA – That is a good point. It will be interesting to see just how many typos he can take in a ‘Dear Charles’ letter. No fear though! He may feel the need to correct an occasional error in a letter, but I feel certain that he will do it in a manner that will either be remarkably tolerable or horribly intolerable and either way will be entertaining.

  • Awesome! Where can I get a Dear Charles of my own?

  • Hallie:

    Bring on Dear Charles! Like you, Dear Rechelle, he is armed with wit and charm, and can dribble an idea down field with panache. Yes, indeedy, he’s a keeper.

  • Scherrie:

    Oh, my goodness! I think he would absolutely be a great addition to your blog. I really enjoyed your exchange of letters.

  • I will embrace Charles.
    I may not have questions for Charles, simply because I don’t think I’m bright enough to understand his answers. Remember: I am the bloggee who needs to be spoken to as you would a not so bright ten year old. Short words and pictures would be nice.
    Just so Charles understands me and my female anatomy before I embrace Charles: my uterus is no more. Yes. It’s true. I am spayed and have been spayed for some time so there is absolutely no reason for a discussion about my long, lost uterus. If someone else wishes to discuss their uteri with Charles, that is up to them.

  • dee:

    Sounds like a plan! Enjoy his wit!

  • I feel like my IQ bumps up a couple notches reading his letters AND he is very funny. Keep!

  • I completely enjoyed myself reading these letters and even forced myself to stop…twice…so I could think about what I read and look forward to reading more.

    Alas now I’m done, I heartily welcome Dear Charles.

    Rechelle I read your blog every morning with my coffee.

    thanks for writing ;)

  • Sue D.:

    Enjoyed the letters so much. Will you share who he was to you in your past life (out of the witness protection program)?

  • MichelleG:

    Rechelle, I’m thinking Charles is really you, since you couldn’t possibly have found such a perfect male counterpart…plus, his names is Charles Brown…as in Charlie Brown?! Either way, I read the whole thing and loved it! Please post more!!

  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    Rechelle, remember you have more than 3 friends. Don’t forget Moss and Richmond.

  • joanlvh:

    +1 for Michelle G, I too kept thinking as I read that Rechelle and Charles might be one. However, whether you are one or two, the exchange of letters was very entertaining. joanlvh

  • Rechelle:

    Nikki – Oh yeah! How could I forget Moss! Richmond and I are not quite as close, but Moss oh I love that guy.

    Michelle G – I wish I was Charles… or at least had his propensity for good grammar.

  • Kay in KCMO:

    I sent Charles an email and he responded!! Actually, I sent him a Monk-e-mail and he responded with the same! Thank you Charles, if you’re reading. I do indeed have great genes and an impeccable fashion sense. Excuse me while I adjust my tiara.

  • Jo:

    Highly entertaining repartee from Charles, I look forward to hearing more and learning the etiquette of commas, at which I think I am highly skilled already, not to mention exclamation marks!! Interesting to note that you are in the Witless Protection Program – sorry, Witness, hee hee – definitely not Witless.