Muskrat Neuters Husband

May 25th, 2010

We have a large, grotesque creature that lives in our pond.  I call it ‘the marsupial’ knowing full well that it is not a marsupial.  I just like to call it the marsupial because I am a weirdo. The Country Doctor calls it ‘the rat’ knowing full well that it is not a rat. He just likes to call it rat so that I will let him shoot it.

And it is working.

I don’t want him to shoot my marsupial…

But he sure can shoot his rat.

This would be an excellent example of the hypnotic power of branding.

The reason that he wants to shoot the rat is because it is digging big holes in our dam.  If we lose our dam, we lose our pond.  If we lose our pond, lots of fish, turtles, frogs and insects will die.  If lots of fish, turtles, frogs and insects die, then all the birds will leave and the show cats will have nothing to stalk.  If the show cats have nothing to stalk, they will spend EVEN more time stalking the brown chair in the living room which drives me insane.  If I go insane – WHO IS GOING TO FEED MY KIDS!

Do you see how the eco-system at MSFH is dangling from a delicate thread?  Do you see that shooting the rat might just be the best choice for everyone?  We are not shooting the rat for fun!  We are shooting the rat to SAVE LIVES!

In reality – the rat is a muskrat.

Here is the story of how the muskrat neutered my husband.

You may want to close your eyes while you read this.


Me – I saw the marsupial swimming around the pond again.

Him – You mean the rat?

Me – Yes, the rat.

Him – I’m going to shoot it when I get home.

Me – You won’t be able to shoot it.

Him – Why not.

Me – Because you can’t stand still long enough to shoot it.

Him – What do you mean.

Me – The ‘rat’ can stay under water for like fifteen minutes!  Then he comes up, takes another breath and dives back down for another fifteen minutes.  You will never out-wait him.

Him – Yes I will.

Me – No you won’t.

Him – Yes I will.

Me – No you won’t.  It’s the same reason that you can’t grill anything!  You have zero tolerance for standing and waiting.

Him – I can grill!

Me – No you can’t!  You can’t stand to watch what’s on the grill – which happens to be crucial to grilling.

Him – I can hunt and I can grill.

Me – No you can’t!  And you also can’t watch TV or a movie.

Him – I can watch TV.

Me – NO YOU CAN’T!  You can’t sit still long enough to make it to the first commercial!

Him -  You just neutered me!

Me – What?

Him – You just NEUTERED me!

Me – You mean because I said you can’t grill, hunt or watch TV?

Him – Yes!

Me – Oh… well… sorry about that honey.  You are uh… really good at uh… planting trees.

Him – I am going to come home and SHOOT that RAT!

Me – Okay babe.  You shoot it.  You shoot that rat.

Him – I will.


  • DirtyKSmama - Nikki:

    I’ve only seen one muskrat. Our black farm cat, Snowball, caught it last summer and left her gift to us on the back porch. No matter what you call them, those are ugly creatures and don’t need to be kept around. Fish, turtles and frogs are better and cuter.

    Hoping the CD has a successful hunt. Then you should thank with a tree to plant.

  • Brooke:

    Muskrat…that brings back memories. My dad shot/trapped/killed many of those when I was growing up! Oh how he hated those giant rats! My dad took great pride in his pond (it took up over an acre of land…and he dug it himself) and those creepy critters caused nothing but problems. Get to shooting CD, and save the world!

  • Carol the longwinded:

    Too too funny.

  • The muskrat neutered your husband?!?! I guess that’s Muskrat Love for ya!

  • Just so I’ll know–can you shoot a hole in a dam? Because I think I see where this is going.

  • km:

    No wonder he had to go to man camp :) Tell him go put hot sauce on everything and he’ll be fine again

  • Patricia:

    You are making me laugh every morning ! Thank you !!

  • sandy:

    Thanks for my morning laugh Rechelle!

  • LucyJoy:

    Priceless! Thanks for starting my morning off with a good laugh!

  • I’ll bet the Div of Wildlife would come out and trap it for you….but that wouldn’t be nearly as exciting. There would be less testosterone involved too.

  • J. Allen:

    I’m rooting for the muskrat

  • I spend a lot of time in streams, and I just love the muskrats I see. They swim straight at me, almost like playing chicken, then at the last possible moment they dive down, pull an amazing underwater somersault and swim away. They’ll play like this for quite a while, making it difficult to concentrate on, you know, my actual job out there!

  • I just thought of the song “Muskrat Love” by Captain and Tenille”. I’m old. Not sure how to spell her name either.

  • Nanc in Ashland:

    Shelley gets my vote for best comment!

  • Amy:

    I’m with birdgirl….have the DNR come out and remove the little guy in a humane way.

    He’s only doing what comes natural…it would be a shame for him to be killed just being himself :(

  • Joel Wheeler:

    Am I the only one who thought of UB40?

    “There’s a rat in the pond – whott AMM I gonna do?”

  • M.R.:

    The hole in the dam recitation reminded me of There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I suppose it should really have reminded me of a butterfly flapping its wings in Honduras, but I am much more of a nursery rhyme sort of person than a chaos theory sort of person.

  • Yick! Send that bugger packing! Let CD have a chance at him, then call GF&P to get it done right. : )

    Thanks for reminding me I need to get hubby to check the gopher traps tonight. Too bad those buggers didn’t drown in all the rain we’ve had.

    M.R. – me too! I don’t know why she swallowed a fly….perhaps she’ll die!

  • tess:

    I hope you post pics of the hunting adventure!


  • Shoot the rat.
    The ecosystem is not nearly as fragile as the environtards want you to believe.
    Patience will be required but it can be done..

  • Amy:


    Rechelle’s pond IS a fragile ecosystem and I understand why it’s important for them to be rid of the muskrat. My suggestion to call the DNR was an alternative to killing an animal.

    I think that it was very unkind of you to use such an ugly and insensitive word (“environtards”) regarding those of us who suggested a more humane way of dealing with their problem. I did not in any way, shape or form insult you, yet you felt that it was okay to be disrespectful not only to some of the posters here but to those people who are mentally challenged.

    If this is how you get through life I feel sorry for you.

  • Kiara:

    Maybe you could try a (humane) trap.

  • Clay:

    Muskrat! Mmm. Here is just the site you need.

    There is a to-die-for muskrat casserole.

    And the site says the muskrat is “reported” to be very tasty.

  • I hear that Possum is even better!!!!!!!

  • sd:

    I think that after he shoots it you should make him grill it. And you should take the fur and make it into a collar for that beautiful polyester outfit.

  • yvonne nc:

    Trap it and be done with it. They will cause major damage to the pond. And muskrat, IMHO, is not tasty. It tasted like the marsh smells at low tide.

  • susan:

    It resembles the very destructive nutria we have in Texas that have decimated areas.

  • susan:

    Also I would kill it quickly and humanely. An exterminator would cost money and the end result would be the same.